A Yuk or 2

Brad

New member
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I'm going to RUN!!!

The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should.)

She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.

He was not to lift or drive his car.

For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)

An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)

Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)

She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she's actually 6 foot 2.)

The patient has no temperature today. (Really?? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)

The patient has a questionable cousin with colitis. (Yeah, I have a questionable cousin, too.)

She slid on some oil and her feet flew out from under her, landing on her left arm and back. (Try to picture that!)

She was a restrained driver in the back seat.

The bulldog clamp was removed from the mammary artery and allowed to run for about a minute. (Very active clamp!)

The patient is confused, but the family states that she has been intermittently confused for some time and particularly about...she has been intermittently, intermittently been increasingly confused over the last 3 months. (WHO is confused??)

Excess debris was removed. (And the necessary debris remained.)

He feels just as tired when he goes to bed as when he gets up in the morning.

She complains of no hearing loss. (Well, I don't mind not having a hearing loss.)

(Mothers, you will love this one.) The patient takes care of four children, does not work.

He has one brother and two half-female siblings.
 

Brad

New member
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I'm going to RUN!!!

The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should.)

She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.

He was not to lift or drive his car.

For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)

An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)

Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)

She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she's actually 6 foot 2.)

The patient has no temperature today. (Really?? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)

The patient has a questionable cousin with colitis. (Yeah, I have a questionable cousin, too.)

She slid on some oil and her feet flew out from under her, landing on her left arm and back. (Try to picture that!)

She was a restrained driver in the back seat.

The bulldog clamp was removed from the mammary artery and allowed to run for about a minute. (Very active clamp!)

The patient is confused, but the family states that she has been intermittently confused for some time and particularly about...she has been intermittently, intermittently been increasingly confused over the last 3 months. (WHO is confused??)

Excess debris was removed. (And the necessary debris remained.)

He feels just as tired when he goes to bed as when he gets up in the morning.

She complains of no hearing loss. (Well, I don't mind not having a hearing loss.)

(Mothers, you will love this one.) The patient takes care of four children, does not work.

He has one brother and two half-female siblings.
 

Brad

New member
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I'm going to RUN!!!

The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should.)

She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.

He was not to lift or drive his car.

For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)

An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)

Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)

She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she's actually 6 foot 2.)

The patient has no temperature today. (Really?? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)

The patient has a questionable cousin with colitis. (Yeah, I have a questionable cousin, too.)

She slid on some oil and her feet flew out from under her, landing on her left arm and back. (Try to picture that!)

She was a restrained driver in the back seat.

The bulldog clamp was removed from the mammary artery and allowed to run for about a minute. (Very active clamp!)

The patient is confused, but the family states that she has been intermittently confused for some time and particularly about...she has been intermittently, intermittently been increasingly confused over the last 3 months. (WHO is confused??)

Excess debris was removed. (And the necessary debris remained.)

He feels just as tired when he goes to bed as when he gets up in the morning.

She complains of no hearing loss. (Well, I don't mind not having a hearing loss.)

(Mothers, you will love this one.) The patient takes care of four children, does not work.

He has one brother and two half-female siblings.
 

blopunky

New member
thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I needed that laughter today!<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
anyone tell you your a nut? please keep them coming!
blopunky's mom
 

blopunky

New member
thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I needed that laughter today!<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
anyone tell you your a nut? please keep them coming!
blopunky's mom
 

blopunky

New member
thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I needed that laughter today!<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
anyone tell you your a nut? please keep them coming!
blopunky's mom
 

Brad

New member
Blopunky's Mom

Yep I get called a nut all the time.....

Crazy Wild Man is another name

for a 49 year old man who has Cf : )

And thats just from My Doc's
 

Brad

New member
Blopunky's Mom

Yep I get called a nut all the time.....

Crazy Wild Man is another name

for a 49 year old man who has Cf : )

And thats just from My Doc's
 

Brad

New member
Blopunky's Mom

Yep I get called a nut all the time.....

Crazy Wild Man is another name

for a 49 year old man who has Cf : )

And thats just from My Doc's
 
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