Jokes

anonymous

New member
There doesnt seem to be anywhere for random jokes, so anyway heres mine, Shamrock, x

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching
for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died.

Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly,
a source for water.

Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.

"Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some
water."

"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of
these fine ties."

"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked.

"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."

The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that
he would find refuge from the scorching sun.

His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance.
Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the
place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway.

As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually
existed.

The doorman stopped him before he entered.

"Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "But you can't come in here without a tie!"
 

anonymous

New member
This is a true story from an Amoco Christmas party in Australia last
year.

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull
a practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious
practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they
went through his wallet and found his Tatts Lotto Ticket. Then, they
wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a
little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone
wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers then proceeded to read them out aloud, before setting the numbers on the table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his from his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again,and checked the numbers, very carefully.

Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to
the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something.I've been
having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you
and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell
cause I've just won a ****-load of money, and I'm leaving"

End of job.
End of marriage.
End of story
 

buggygurl321

New member
One time there was a man jumping up and down on the train tracks, saying, "twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one..."
A blond girl walked by and asked, "What are you doing?"
But he didn't reply- he just kept jumping up and down saying, "twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one..."
So the blond girl asks, "Can I join you?"
Again, he doesn't reply, but just keeps going.
So the blond stands next to him and now they're both jumping up and down on the train tracks saying, "twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one..."
Suddenly, a train comes roaring up the track. The man jumps out of the way just in time to avoid being hit, but the blond girl isn't as lucky.
So, the man dusts himself off, and goes back on the train tracks, saying, "twenty-two, twenty-two, twenty-two..."<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 

buggygurl321

New member
How do you kill a dumb blonde?
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!
(I apologize to all of you blonds out there- no offense!)<img src="i/expressions/devil.gif" border="0"><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 

buggygurl321

New member
Once there were two men who wanted to get into a restaurant, but they wouldn't be allowed in since they had their dogs with them.
One of them had a german sheperd, the other had a chiauhuaua.
The man with the german sheperd said, "Hey, just follow my lead!"
He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks in with his dog. When the waitress tells him about the "no dog" policy, he says, "I know, I'm sorry, but this is my seeing-eye dog." And he gets to go inside.
So, the man with the chiauhuaua puts on a pair of sunglasses, and starts to walk through the doors. When he gets stopped by the waitress, he says that this is his seeing-eye dog.
"A chiauhuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" the waitress asks.
And the man says, "What!? They gave me a chiauhuaua?!"

<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 

SugarCakes

New member
a guy was mowing his lawn and a blonde went outside to get mail, a few minutes later she walked back out and yet again walked back empty handed...a few more times she did this and the guy finaly asked her "may i ask what your doing?" she responded "my computer keeps saying "you got mail" but i dont have anything!!!i think its broken..."
 

buggygurl321

New member
how do you kill a one-armed, dumb blonde whos hanging in a tree?
wave! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 

buggygurl321

New member
once there was a dumb blonde who walked into a barber shop wearing headphones.
the haircutter asked her how she would like her hair cut and she replied, "around the headphones".
well, during the haircut the headphones fell off and so the blonde died.
the hair cutter picked up the headphones to listen to what the blonde had heard.
and the headphones were repeating, " breathe in, breathe out."
<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 

buggygurl321

New member
there were three girls in the desert- a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.
and they each had to bring something to keep themselves cool.
the red head brought a bucket of water, the brunette brought a fan, and the blonde brought a car door.
"whats the car door for?" the others asked her.
and she replied, "if it gets hot, we can always roll down the window!"
 

anonymous

New member
there were three girls stuck on a desert island- a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. A genie came along and offered them one wish each.
The brunette wished to be back at home with her family, so the genie zapped her away.
Then the red-head said, I too want to go home to my family and off this island,so the genie zapped her away.
Then the genie said to the blonde, 'and whats your wish?' and she replied, ' I'm lonely, I wish for my two friends to be back here with me!' Shamrock
 

shamrock

New member
Paddy-Englishman, Paddy-Scotsman and Paddy-Irishman were all on the edge of a cliff. A witch cam along and told them to all jump off. The three men begged the witch to let them stay so she came to a compromise with them. They were to run and jump and the last word they shouted, thats the thing they would land on.
So Paddy-Englishman ran and jumped and shouted 'PILLOWS!' and landed on lots of pillows
Paddy Scotsman ran and jumped and shouted 'FEATHERS' and landed on a nice pile of feathers
Then Paddy-Irishman went to take a running jump, and as he got to the edge he tripped and fell and shouted ' OH S**T!!'
 

buggygurl321

New member
There were three chinese men- two of them spoke english well, the other did not.
They were staying in a hotel.
So the maid goes to the first one who speaks good english and asks, "do you want large, medium, or small sheets on your bed?"
And he replies, "large please."
then she goes to the other one who understands english and asks, "do you want large, medium, or small sheets on your bed?"
and he replies, "medium please."
then the maid goes to the last man who speaks bad english, and asks, "do you want large, medium, or small sheets on your bed?"
And he replied, "you sheet on my bed, i sheet on yours!"
<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 

anonymous

New member
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!
Draw yourself together man!

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live!
Hang on, I'll see you in a minute!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards!
I'll deal with you later!

Shamrock, x
 

anonymous

New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>buggygurl321</b></i><br>Doctor Doctor I think I'm invisible!

Who said that?<hr></blockquote>

This reminds me of a similar joke:

Receptionist to Doctor: Dr., there's a gentleman in the waiting room who claims he's invisible.

Doctor's reply: "Tell him I can't see him right now"



Have a good Monday, Kathy (Colleen's mom)
<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 

perky79

New member
John Kerry was jogging down the street and sees these kittens in a pet store window. He asks the owner, "What kind of kittens are these?"

The owner replied "They're democrats."

The next week Kerry is jogging down the street with Joe Liberman and Kerry sees the kittens and tells Joe, "You gotta' see this!"

Kerry walks up to the store owner and asks, "What kind of kittens are these?"

"Republicans" the store owner replies.

"But last week you said they were democrats! Whats the difference between them then and now?" Kerry proclaims.

"They opened their eyes." The store owner responds.
 

NoDayButToday

New member
This isn't really a joke, but it makes me laugh (and as long as we're putting politics on here):

"[waves]"- George W. Bush greeting Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder is blind.
 

buggygurl321

New member
This isn't a joke its more like a riddle:

If a plane crashed on the borderline of Canada and the USA, where would you bury the survivors? In Canada, or the USA?






<i>You don't bury the SURVIVORS!!</i>
 
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