Advice for a bad attitude-

[Jane]

Hi,

I wondered if anyone has advice for parents of son (14w/cf) and a HUGE attitude problem! He "forgets" to take his enzymes, he won't eat or drink, even to the point of becoming dehydrated, and he fights with us when we remind him about these things. He won't take PFTs seriously either. People say its a 14 yr old thing, but he's been stubborn and difficult since the moment he was born (breach)!

We have tried all different approaches, even saying "you can choose to help your body stay healthy or force it to get sicker" ie: live or die. Its almost like he's sabotaging his own health. Is this weird or what? I only understand this disease from a Mom's perspective.

Anyone else have an issue like this?

Thanks
Jane

 

[Jane]

Hi,

I wondered if anyone has advice for parents of son (14w/cf) and a HUGE attitude problem! He "forgets" to take his enzymes, he won't eat or drink, even to the point of becoming dehydrated, and he fights with us when we remind him about these things. He won't take PFTs seriously either. People say its a 14 yr old thing, but he's been stubborn and difficult since the moment he was born (breach)!

We have tried all different approaches, even saying "you can choose to help your body stay healthy or force it to get sicker" ie: live or die. Its almost like he's sabotaging his own health. Is this weird or what? I only understand this disease from a Mom's perspective.

Anyone else have an issue like this?

Thanks
Jane

 

[thelizardqueen]

All CFer's go through a rebellious phase. That being said - making a diligent effort is extrememly important in your youth and teens. I know that a lot of teens need counseling sometimes because they are that negative about their health. Have you thought about getting him to talk to a counselor? There's nothing that you can do to make him take better care of himself. He has to realize on his own that this is bad for him. I hate to say it, but its true.

 

[thelizardqueen]

All CFer's go through a rebellious phase. That being said - making a diligent effort is extrememly important in your youth and teens. I know that a lot of teens need counseling sometimes because they are that negative about their health. Have you thought about getting him to talk to a counselor? There's nothing that you can do to make him take better care of himself. He has to realize on his own that this is bad for him. I hate to say it, but its true.

 

[Jane]

Hi Liz,

We are on that route already, just thought there would be something we haven't tried. We know its something he has to do, but its hard to watch.

Thanks
jane

 

[Jane]

Hi Liz,

We are on that route already, just thought there would be something we haven't tried. We know its something he has to do, but its hard to watch.

Thanks
jane

 

[JennifersHope]

Hi Jane,

Sorry you are going through this.. To me, it sounds like thier is a major power play going on.. Teenagers without disease, usually like to have a sense of control or say in their lives, that is even more true for ppl with sickness.

Maybe because I am doing my pschy rotation at school that I feel this way, but really, I think two things. one is usually people in general when they are frustrated or hurt, take it on on the people they are closest to. Not an exuse, just reality sometimes.. If this is a new behavior you can maybe ask him if everything is alright with school, his teachers, friends etc. I think you should be specific with him... Maybe he is afraid of something, or something is bothering him causing him to act out.

The other thing that comes to mind is the control thing. Everyone in general likes to feel like they are in control of thier lives, and especially when we feel out of control, I will speak in for myself, when I feel out of control, I grasp for control of something. The out of control feeling for me can be fears of loneliness, dying, being pissed I have to do treatments or whatever, what I have learned working with patients as well as for my self, if the more choices (control) you give to the patient ( child) the more likely they are to comply with the treatment.

Work together with him, don't threaten him that he is going to die, or get sick if he doesn't do his treatments, at this point he doesn't seem to care. Try coming up with a plan with him, not for him. Ask him how you can help him accomplish getting his treatments done, ask him what he needs to help him do his treatments, give him a choice, like does he want to do it himself, or have you help him. Maybe reward the postive behavior, I don't mean bribe him. But arguing with him isn't going to get you anywhere.

Set rules, if he doesn't meet the rules, have consequences.....but before you come down hard on him, try to see what is going on. Give him as much power and control over anything that you can.

I have always found that with teenagers, if you have clear boundries, but also treat them with respect, you will get the furtherest.

I can imagine how hard it is for you as a mom, knowing that he needs to get all his stuff done, and then watching him Not do it, must be real hard on you. I am sure you are tired of the fighting. I don't blame you..


Hope you are able to break through to him somehow,

Jennifer

 

[JennifersHope]

Hi Jane,

Sorry you are going through this.. To me, it sounds like thier is a major power play going on.. Teenagers without disease, usually like to have a sense of control or say in their lives, that is even more true for ppl with sickness.

Maybe because I am doing my pschy rotation at school that I feel this way, but really, I think two things. one is usually people in general when they are frustrated or hurt, take it on on the people they are closest to. Not an exuse, just reality sometimes.. If this is a new behavior you can maybe ask him if everything is alright with school, his teachers, friends etc. I think you should be specific with him... Maybe he is afraid of something, or something is bothering him causing him to act out.

The other thing that comes to mind is the control thing. Everyone in general likes to feel like they are in control of thier lives, and especially when we feel out of control, I will speak in for myself, when I feel out of control, I grasp for control of something. The out of control feeling for me can be fears of loneliness, dying, being pissed I have to do treatments or whatever, what I have learned working with patients as well as for my self, if the more choices (control) you give to the patient ( child) the more likely they are to comply with the treatment.

Work together with him, don't threaten him that he is going to die, or get sick if he doesn't do his treatments, at this point he doesn't seem to care. Try coming up with a plan with him, not for him. Ask him how you can help him accomplish getting his treatments done, ask him what he needs to help him do his treatments, give him a choice, like does he want to do it himself, or have you help him. Maybe reward the postive behavior, I don't mean bribe him. But arguing with him isn't going to get you anywhere.

Set rules, if he doesn't meet the rules, have consequences.....but before you come down hard on him, try to see what is going on. Give him as much power and control over anything that you can.

I have always found that with teenagers, if you have clear boundries, but also treat them with respect, you will get the furtherest.

I can imagine how hard it is for you as a mom, knowing that he needs to get all his stuff done, and then watching him Not do it, must be real hard on you. I am sure you are tired of the fighting. I don't blame you..


Hope you are able to break through to him somehow,

Jennifer

 

[Landy]

Jane
This is just a thought for what it's worth, but would your son ever come to the 'Teenagers' part of this forum and just vent and hopefully get support/encouragement from others that have been there, done that. Maybe it would help him to know that there are others out there that really don't like to take meds, do treatments, feel 'different' than their peers but know that it's in their best interest to do so???
It is hard with teenagers because it seems that the more you push, the more they want to resist.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

 

[Landy]

Jane
This is just a thought for what it's worth, but would your son ever come to the 'Teenagers' part of this forum and just vent and hopefully get support/encouragement from others that have been there, done that. Maybe it would help him to know that there are others out there that really don't like to take meds, do treatments, feel 'different' than their peers but know that it's in their best interest to do so???
It is hard with teenagers because it seems that the more you push, the more they want to resist.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

 

[hhhhhmom]

Hi Jane,

I don't know much about cf treatment, but I have 2 boys with Type I diabetes. One is 14 in a couple of weeks and one is 9. I've always made it very clear to my sons that it is their body, their choice--on certain issues. It isn't negotiable for them to take their shots, eat right, etc. but I let them make as many of the decisions as I can and try to step away. They are involved in chosing all of their supplies, syringes, ID bracelets, meters, etc. I've found that when you hover over them asking "Did you take your shot? What did you eat today? Are you okay?" etc. only makes it more of a battle. I have to step back and (to some extent) let them take control. It is, after all, them who pays for non-compliance in the way they feel. My sons have found that it isn't ME who is telling them they have to do this or that, it is their BODY/HEALTH that dictates what is best. Sometimes knowing that it's not "bossy mom" who is trying to force them do something makes all the difference in attitude.

Good luck!

 

[hhhhhmom]

Hi Jane,

I don't know much about cf treatment, but I have 2 boys with Type I diabetes. One is 14 in a couple of weeks and one is 9. I've always made it very clear to my sons that it is their body, their choice--on certain issues. It isn't negotiable for them to take their shots, eat right, etc. but I let them make as many of the decisions as I can and try to step away. They are involved in chosing all of their supplies, syringes, ID bracelets, meters, etc. I've found that when you hover over them asking "Did you take your shot? What did you eat today? Are you okay?" etc. only makes it more of a battle. I have to step back and (to some extent) let them take control. It is, after all, them who pays for non-compliance in the way they feel. My sons have found that it isn't ME who is telling them they have to do this or that, it is their BODY/HEALTH that dictates what is best. Sometimes knowing that it's not "bossy mom" who is trying to force them do something makes all the difference in attitude.

Good luck!

 

[anonymous]

I know what your son is going thorugh i am/was the same way....Just i had a liver transplant also and i dont want to take pills i take 4 antibiotics tto keep the CF down to a miminal cough im so sick and tired of taking these meds becasue i feel like my life is cut short...but i do it anyway to keep my around my girlfreind and best freinds....Your son will snap out of this soon...MAby give him a reward for taking them.....I know that you shouldnt have to but to some point as a kid you want something in return for doing it..ive gone thorugh this taking over 18 pills a day not CF related and i havent been rewarded bt nevre hurts to try...

 

[anonymous]

I know what your son is going thorugh i am/was the same way....Just i had a liver transplant also and i dont want to take pills i take 4 antibiotics tto keep the CF down to a miminal cough im so sick and tired of taking these meds becasue i feel like my life is cut short...but i do it anyway to keep my around my girlfreind and best freinds....Your son will snap out of this soon...MAby give him a reward for taking them.....I know that you shouldnt have to but to some point as a kid you want something in return for doing it..ive gone thorugh this taking over 18 pills a day not CF related and i havent been rewarded bt nevre hurts to try...

 

[Jane]

Thanks everyone, in my heart I know he will snap out of it soon and in my head I know I shouldn't hover, but it's a daily internal battle for me.

Laura, You are very wise to have your sons participate in their own health care. You mentioned taking meds is non-negotiable, so what happens if they don't?

No Linda, he's never been to the teenage forum. He feels right now that he wants to have as little as possible to do with CF and how it affects his "normal" daily life. I will suggest it to him again.

Jennifer, I know this is a control issue and I know a lot of it stems from his fear of the unknown. That is what perplexes me the most. IF, he knows it will help and IF he wants to feels better, and he's afraid of what's to come, then WHY doesn't he just do it?

His counselor told us one time that the more we do for him, the less control he will have. The longer we have control, the more he will feel that we don't think he has the capability to cope. Viscious circle. Good advice, but again, hard to follow every day.

Liz, we have a decent counselor but not one who is knowledgable about cf issues, maybe we should look for one.

Thanks for letting me vent!
jane

 

[Jane]

Thanks everyone, in my heart I know he will snap out of it soon and in my head I know I shouldn't hover, but it's a daily internal battle for me.

Laura, You are very wise to have your sons participate in their own health care. You mentioned taking meds is non-negotiable, so what happens if they don't?

No Linda, he's never been to the teenage forum. He feels right now that he wants to have as little as possible to do with CF and how it affects his "normal" daily life. I will suggest it to him again.

Jennifer, I know this is a control issue and I know a lot of it stems from his fear of the unknown. That is what perplexes me the most. IF, he knows it will help and IF he wants to feels better, and he's afraid of what's to come, then WHY doesn't he just do it?

His counselor told us one time that the more we do for him, the less control he will have. The longer we have control, the more he will feel that we don't think he has the capability to cope. Viscious circle. Good advice, but again, hard to follow every day.

Liz, we have a decent counselor but not one who is knowledgable about cf issues, maybe we should look for one.

Thanks for letting me vent!
jane

 

[JazzysMom]

Your son is looking for IMMEDIATE control. The long term affects are somewhat in his control if he does his treatments & takes his meds, but that is the future & isnt a gaurantee. His "need" to feel in control can be satisfied NOW & gauranteed if he choose not to do his treatments. I am not saying this is a wise decision. Hell, I am going to be 38 next month & only in the last few years have I TRULY realized the consequences of my lax care for myself. Even now I would probably ignore it if I didnt have my daughter. I choose to be controlling in many ways in life to make up for the lack of control I have with CF. Its the nature of the beast. I didnt realize HOW much I was controlling or why until last year tho. I dont have any real advice for you except to try & give him responsibility & independance in some decisions. Explain to him that you want his input & want him to have that independance, BUT you wont sick back & let himself make decisions that will harm him in the long run. Thats the best I have for ya! KIDS....

 

[JazzysMom]

Your son is looking for IMMEDIATE control. The long term affects are somewhat in his control if he does his treatments & takes his meds, but that is the future & isnt a gaurantee. His "need" to feel in control can be satisfied NOW & gauranteed if he choose not to do his treatments. I am not saying this is a wise decision. Hell, I am going to be 38 next month & only in the last few years have I TRULY realized the consequences of my lax care for myself. Even now I would probably ignore it if I didnt have my daughter. I choose to be controlling in many ways in life to make up for the lack of control I have with CF. Its the nature of the beast. I didnt realize HOW much I was controlling or why until last year tho. I dont have any real advice for you except to try & give him responsibility & independance in some decisions. Explain to him that you want his input & want him to have that independance, BUT you wont sick back & let himself make decisions that will harm him in the long run. Thats the best I have for ya! KIDS....

 

[hhhhhmom]

Hi Jane,

I know its scary, and it's our parental nature to worry about our kids, but the more you do, the less they do. If my kids don't eat right or "forget" to take a shot, they pay for it for usually a couple of days. BUT, I have allowed them to find this out for themselves and it's a lot more effective for them to know that it makes them feel yucky rather than to be doing what they're supposed to because I say so. BUT, my son was "forgetting" to test his blood sugars but saying he had been. When I found that out, I explained that because he CHOSE to be irresponsible, I had no other CHOICE than to stay on his back about it. He quickly learned that if he does what he should, then I'll stay in the background with only gentle reminders.

Also, when we have problems, I will ask them how they would like things to change. Sometimes it has a lot more to feeling like they don't get to make the decisions about their own life. I try to be flexible--Yes, you HAVE to have a shot, but you can decide where to give it, you HAVE to test your blood, but you can decide how/where as long as it gets the job done, you can go ahead and have that candy, but you HAVE to have an extra shot, etc.

Last but not least, remember our kids can do so much more than we give them credit for.

Good luck again!

 

[hhhhhmom]

Hi Jane,

I know its scary, and it's our parental nature to worry about our kids, but the more you do, the less they do. If my kids don't eat right or "forget" to take a shot, they pay for it for usually a couple of days. BUT, I have allowed them to find this out for themselves and it's a lot more effective for them to know that it makes them feel yucky rather than to be doing what they're supposed to because I say so. BUT, my son was "forgetting" to test his blood sugars but saying he had been. When I found that out, I explained that because he CHOSE to be irresponsible, I had no other CHOICE than to stay on his back about it. He quickly learned that if he does what he should, then I'll stay in the background with only gentle reminders.

Also, when we have problems, I will ask them how they would like things to change. Sometimes it has a lot more to feeling like they don't get to make the decisions about their own life. I try to be flexible--Yes, you HAVE to have a shot, but you can decide where to give it, you HAVE to test your blood, but you can decide how/where as long as it gets the job done, you can go ahead and have that candy, but you HAVE to have an extra shot, etc.

Last but not least, remember our kids can do so much more than we give them credit for.

Good luck again!