Advice please

[SmokeyJoe]

Here is my first question for everyone. Now thet my nephew is nearing the end of his time what else can I expect to happen to him.
He seems to spend more and more time in the hospital. He has become increasing angry and angrier and angrier making him a real burden to be around. Is there anything my family or I can do to deal with him without getting so frustrated. It's getting to the point where I'd really like to pop him one. I know this isn't the way I should feel, but it can be so hard some times. I love the guy but it is just aggravating. Thanks in advance.

Joe<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-frown.gif" border="0">

 

[Allie]

I'm sort of confused by what you're asking, but anger is very common when it becomes evident that things aren't going to get any better. And 19 is so young to be going through that, he's mourning his life. All you can do is love them through it, even when they seem to make you insane, try to think about what they are going through. Just talk to them. Eventually, they'll melt, and things will be okay.

 

[JennifersHope]

<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>SmokeyJoe</b></i><br> He has become increasing angry and angrier and angrier making him a real burden to be around.


HI Joe,

I am glad that you came here for advice. When I first read your post.. I wanted to pop you one just like you said you wanted to do for your nephew...... but I decided that wouldn't get me anywhere... I know that you are frustrated by your nephews behavior.. but let me tell you.. I don't know one single Cfer that isn't afraid that they are going to be a burden to their family.. I am sure your nephews behavior has nothing to do with you... Think of the hell that this kid is facing knowing that he is going to die soon... I don't think I would be that pleasurable to be around either.. Try to not take it personal.. he may not have very good coping or communication skills.. and his behavior may be the only way he can get his fears out....

Please be patient with him and put yourself in his shoes......


Jennifer

 

[anonymous]

I appreciate the advice. I just wish he would finaly consent to go to a therapist, he realy needs it. I sufferede a traumatic brain injury a little over 11 years ago when I had a brain annurysm burst at the age of 22. I survived it and reurned to nearly my old self again, practicaly the full 100%. As a result I had some defecits in different things. What happened to me was I refused to admit that anything was wrong with me, then I got angrier and angrier at myself when those things appeared. after 9 yrs. of suffering thru this 2 wonderful things happened. First I found a neuro phycologist that was very familiar with these sort of injuries, not neccesarily annuerysms, but brain injuries. The other thing was I found a neuro physciatrist who also had some knowledge. By some very great counseling and later getting my medication adjusted properly I was able to accept myself defecits and all. I'm sorry if I offended anybody with my comments it's only he knows how much we really love and I just wish he could be a little less nasty to the people that really care for him the most.<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-blush.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

Hi that was me smokeyjoe I had the wrong e-mail when I first joined and after changing it the swiched my password and I'm having logging in now so I posted my last reply from annoymous (sp?), but I really didn't intend to offend anyone.



smokey

 

[JennifersHope]

Joe.. I personally was not really offended after I thought about where you were coming from.. Just the fact that you see him as a burden... I know for a fact..in my case it is harder for the ppl who love me to see me sick then it is for me to be sick...and I can't stand that thought..and it makes me feel like a burden, anyway their isn't anything I can do about it...except do my best to take care of myself..

I know it is quite painful to be yelled at or treated poorly.. I am sorry that you are being mistreated but again.. if he can't control himself because of where he is at in life.. and you are getting so mad at him that you want to pop him... maybe you can set some boundries with him and tell him ..its okay to be mad and whatever but that it is not okay to be rude to me..and tell him if he is rude.. what you are going to do about it.. Like not see him or whatever.. It is up to you what you will tolerate... but just remember it is really hard to deal with this disease.. and my best advice is love and more love.......


Jennifer

 

[Allie]

Sometimes it helps to put the ball back in their court too. Just telling them " I know you're mad/upset, and you have every right to be, but unless you're mad at me, don't take it out on me." That usually got theball rolling for talking about whatever he was really upset about.

A burden, that's a harsh word. Especially since I know Ry felt like one every day. I know what you're talking about, the stress of trying to take care of them and yourself and .....the world. But when they're gone, you'll wish you could take care of them, it's a weird thing to miss, I feel strange saying it, but you will. And you'll realize..it wasn't a big deal, for all the time I with them.

Of course, your milage may vary, and all of that, but that was my experience. But please try to talk to him...I bet he needs that more than you know. Let him cry, scream, rage, whatever he needs. What he's going through is psychologically difficult, not saying that what we go through isn't. It is, I know. But it's not the same.

I make little to no sense....

 

[anonymous]

Jo
This all sounds so familiar to me as I went through this with my son for the longest time before he passed away this May. I was so frustrated at times and did lose my temper with my son many times but I also knew how much he loved me and only took it out on me because I was the closest person to him. There were times that within 5 minutes of me visiting him in the hospital we would start to argue over absoutley nothing but I know he was just so frustrated with everything. I look back now and would give anything to be able to argue with him once again and I think it was the fear of losing him that put me into denial about the progression of his disease. Now that he is gone, I have the guilts so badly, thinking of how I tried so hard to get him to do things like a little more excersising, or getting out of the house a little more, trying to be a little more understanding, but I just didn't want him to give into this horrible disease. Six months later I have learned so much more about him from his journals that he used to write in while he was in the hospital. He is the bravest person that I will ever know in my lifetime for going through life with this disease and having the courage to have a lung transplant. I am so glad that, even through our arguing, we always made sure we told each other how much we loved one another.

I know it is so difficult but please try to put yourself in his shoes and think of how you would feel knowing that you might not be with your family for much longer.

Sandy
Mom to my Hero, Matt

 

[anonymous]

hi
i think sandy is so right! im not new to this forum. i lurk around cant seem to stay away its part of my life,
i lost my daughter in march.reading what sandy wrote just made me cry.and i can only imagine what cfers go through.
just be there for him no-matter how angry he is! sandy im so sorry to hear about your loss as well.just trying to get through a day really sucks.
happy holidays to everyone!
gail
RIP TRACI.2-2-88-3-24-05

 

[anonymous]

Hi Gail
Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your daughter. Like you, I also can't stay away from these cf sites and most lurk. Cf has been part of our lives for such a long time, we can't just turn off that part of our lives that we were a part of for such a long time can we?

If you would like to "lean on each other's shoulders" I would love to hear from you.

Sandy
mcbrash1@rogers.com

 

[Allie]

I know about not being able to turn of that part of your life too, it seems impossible to imagine Cf not being in your life, as strange as that might sound.

I lost my Husband, not my child, but you can always turn to me, either of you, if you need anything

Ryallieahava@yahoo.com

 

[anonymous]

The end of life is very difficult, both on the person and the family. When I think back to my husband's last months, I wonder how we both kept it together. Taking care of him was stressful and exhausting, but I can't imagine what he went through. Many nights when I was up adjusting O2, connecting feeding tubes and checking his bipap- or just thinking about what was about to happen- I thought I would go crazy . I wasn't the one dieing and I had anger, can't imagine what a terminally ill person feels or thinks. I always found the shower to be a great place to release my frustrations- I would cry and sometimes even scream. My husband was very open about his feelings so I never really experienced the anger stage with him. There are many books availbable for family members of terminally ill people. It may give you some insight as to what your nephew is going through.

I wish you the best
Melissa

 

[thelizardqueen]

Anger is not the solution. I know it may be hard to deal with his anger, but he is dieing. Everyone is entitled to their feelings. In this case, I think you have to put aside your feelings for a while, and just be there for him. I can only imagine what he is going through - I'm a somewhat healthy 24 CFer, but the thought of dieing is always on my mind. Think about it this way - 1 minute of anger is 60 seconds of happiness lost.

 

[anonymous]

hi again,
sandy thanks so much i can use someone .i have no family support, i have my husband and son but were all in hell right now! family would have been nice but...........
anyways allie and melissa i see a lot of your post as well. and im very sorry .
please i can use all the support i can get right now.....please feel free to -email me. i would love to hear from all of you!
sorry we went off subject here in this thread.
gail (mom of traci!)and PROUD!
e-mail addy......maptcb@comcast.net
thanks everyone!