CF relationship ended how do I deal?

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anonymous

New member
Hi all,

I joined this site because I am in need of support of other CF people and supporters. My boyfriend/fiancee' of a year and a half recently broke up and I have been on Auto-pilot the last three months without really realizing it. I just came out of the fog and I have realized what I've lost to CF. A great love in my life. Steve has struggled in our relationship because I have always wanted to be married and have children. Because of the CF, Steve has not wanted these things. I know at one time in our relationship he tried to believe, he loved me that much, that we were engaged until he said to me about the feelings of marriage and children with him have not gone away and will never go away. I struggled with that and I finally prayed. I wanted him in my life and I love him so much that I went back to him and said that I have to marry you for you not because I want to be married and have children. With that our relationship continued pretty good, of course with the ups and downs that CF health brings and we were good until he moved out of his parents place. Always fearing the worst I suppose and with all due respect I don't have a Chronic illness to say how he is to feel and how he is to live his life. We started having conversations about what he wants out of life and what I want out of life and every time we did we literally avoided certain things and from there.... our relationship struggled even more. and he got sucked into this depression once again that as long as I am with him I will never have what I want and he can't let our relationship cont. and I along the same line felt some resentment building and I love him too much to and so we both said we can't do this anymore.... and now I'm realizing that I want to be that person that he needs and now it's too late. How do you male CFers feel about the future, marriage, kids and etc...?????? tell me how I should react?

Ultimately it comes down to reality, did I fail him? It hurts to know that we broke up because we loved/love each other not because we stopped loving each other. He, because he didn't want to hold me back from living a life I've always wanted and I because I love him too much to ever resent him. I live with with regret either way; To stay with him I might regret it, to live without him I regret it. Which is worse?

Now that I'm dealing with my feelings I'm really confused. I'm angry with myself, I'm disappointed in myself, I'm angry at God in a perspective, I'm hurt, sad and yes lonely. I find myself losing my confidence in my ability to make decisions. I don't know where I'm going in life anymore and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life anymore. I know logically that I'll be fine and that life will move on, but how do I grieve a beautiful relationship that ended because the hope of living a life of happiness together died somehow. In someway it's ironic for me to move on in life because it somehow denies that that relationship ever happened. Does that make any sense?

Please I would like to hear from you all through this or through email. Email me at missmem@juno.com

Thanks missmem
 
A

anonymous

New member
wow

id really love to help you there but im kinda on the opposite end. I have cf, and my fiancee left because her stupid mother convinced her to leave me cause I wasnt able to have children and that I might die early. this is even after being with her for 8 years. I had a better outlook on the future. Being with her meant that I would do my damnedest to stay healthy and go on. Its a real punch to the face on my insecurity about living with cf and having a parnter that would stick with it through me. Even tho I am 28 and am still pushing 70+% lung function. I had a lot to give. it sucks that after 8 years she became superficial and shallow. Even tho I still gave her everything she wanted, cars, dogs, anything. WOW i jsut realized im on a rant and rave Ill stop now. So in light of your question, the best thing you could do would be to just try to be there for him. make him feel wanted.
 
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anonymous

New member
I think HE has the CF and knows that children most likely aren't in the future.
Maybe I'm not following it right?
 
A

anonymous

New member
For men with CF, biological children are possible. I just wanted to clear that up because there is A LOT of misconception about that-even with doctors.

To the initial poster, I know where you are and I have been there. When my husband and I were first dating, he always told me he never thought he'd live to be 18 so he never planned for things like college and marriage and especially not children. He is now a full time student going on his last year (this coming fall) in college, we will be married for three years this August and we are planning and In-vetro cycle for October. With a lot of hard times (a lot) it is possible!

We had times similar to what you were explaining on this website, he struggled with getting married because he didn't want to leave me alone when he died. And he didn't want kids because he didn't want to leave them fatherless plus we didn't know about the in-vetro options back then. It was especially difficult because all I have ever really wanted is to be a mother and he knew that, so I think it just put more pressure on him sometimes. And we broke it off a few times, once for about 4 months (that was so hard on me!) but eventually we just sat down and had a heart to heart. And for both of us, this is what it came down to. "it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". And we didn't mean "loved and lost" in the sense that we broke up, but in the sense that one of us passed on someday. We agreed that it is better to continue creating the memories we had been creating in the past few years (does that make sense?) than to just go our separate ways. And yes, although CF is a disease that will one day kill, it hasn't yet so why are we going to dwell on it. The reality of the situation is that I could die in a car accident, get killed in combat (I am in the military), or have something tramatic happen to me, or the same to him-and it might turn out to be the same short lifespan even without the CF factor in there. Or, they may find a cure in his lifetime, or at least medications that will allow him to live life as comfortably as he possibly can, for as long as he possibly can.

If you can't see your life without him, then you might want to see if you can try again-if that is what you want. It isn't going to be easy, but you know in your heart and your gut what is right.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to email me at division902@hotmail.com


Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)
 
A

anonymous

New member
Hi Missmem,

Well i am on the opposite side my BF broke up with me several times over the years due to the fact of having CF and possibly not being able to have children and an early death. i was devastated and heart broken and then i was so angry and upset because i would have never walked out like that due to my strong feelings and the love i felt. But what i have realised is that not everyone in this world is like me. I think regret is the worst thing to live with. My advice to you is if you truly love this person and you are willing to handle everything then i suggest you go back there and talk to him and make it work.What if you get into another relationship and god forbid this person gets a terminal illness or like Julie mentioned gets into a car accident-no one knows their journey in life, only God knows that.

I wish you the best!

A
 
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anonymous

New member
Hi Missmem,
I was diagnose with CF 1 month before my wedding. I was going to call off the wedding in fear of not being able to give my husband the life he always wanted. We had a long talk a few days after I was diagnosed because he felt I was being very distant towards him. I explained to him that I didn't want to marry him because of CF, which broke my heart tremendously. All I remember him saying is "We are going to fight this together." I will never forget those encouraging words of his. If you are meant to be together you will become each others support, along with your family and friends (and this website, of course!). My advice would be if you love this man with CF, be his best friend and be his encouragement. Try not to focus on the negative issues so much. If there's a will, there's a way! Good luck..

Janice 26w/cf, married & expecting for the first time <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
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anonymous

New member
Thanks for your response, I am really grateful to hear that you really wanted to the relationship to work. If you wouldn't mind, I'd really like it if I could email you directly...I have a question or two for you.
missmem@juno.com
 
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anonymous

New member
Thank you all for your responses, I am finding comfort in your words and thoughts. I am grateful for the internet to be able to interact with others that I might never have related to in everyday life. Especially all of you, I am inspired and uplifted that I will get through these hard times. We all have them and I am thankful that I can feel welcomed to express my thoughts and feelings.
As for my last reply. All of you are welcome to email me directly. I would love to add friends to my list of people to email, share thoughts with and in general be friends with. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

Take care,

missmem@juno.com

PS Anything worth having is worth fighting for. ( Just a thought I remembered from a long time ago.)
 
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