Emily65Roses
New member
I got the idea for this from my cousin Jenna. She's a military spouse (husband Rich spent last year in Iraq), and had this thing posted in her LJ about the differences between military spouses and regular ones. Here's a link to it if you're curious, it's worth reading, I think it's cute and certainly true:
<a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/frostypetals/31040.html
">http://www.livejournal.com/users/frostypetals/31040.html
</a>
Anyway, because of that, I've decided to copy some of the parts about regular spouses and write in my own CF responses in place of the military ones.
(I originally posted this in my LJ, but I linked Allie to it and she really liked it, and suggested some of you guys might too, so here it is)
<img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">
Other spouses get married and look forward to building equity in a home and putting down family roots. CF spouses get married and hope to share a home with their spouse for long enough to have a chance to put down family roots.
Other spouses decorate a home with flair and personality that will last a lifetime. CF spouses decorate a home carefully around the CFer's health. Nothing that will cause coughing fits, little or no stairs if possible. They make special room for nebulizers and Vests and endless pill bottles.
Other spouses say good-bye to their spouse for a business trip and know they won't see them for a week. They are lonely, but can survive. CF spouses say goodbye to their spouse to go on a business trip for a week, hoping they will be in the same health when they return home. They're lonely, but even more than that, they're worried. They hope that though they'll have their phone on in case of emergencies, that it won't ring in the middle of the night.
Other spouses, when something breaks or weather kicks in, know they can work together to get things done. CF spouses wi'll have to wake up earlier to get things done before work. To fix the broken appliance, or to shovel out the driveway. They know the CFer can't spend that much time out in the bitter cold air, especially working hard to do something as strenuous as shoveling. They know the CFer can't help with too much around the house. And though it's irritating and puts an unfair workload on them, they keep it to themselves because they know it's not on purpose.
Other spouses worry about whether their child will be class president next year. CF spouses worry about if they'll even be able to have children. If they're lucky enough to become parents, then they worry about what the precious children will do when the CFer parent dies young. If they'll remember their lost loved one.
Other spouses can count on spouse participation in special events... birthdays, anniversaries, and graduation. CF spouses hope to see those special occasions with their spouses still alive and well. Every new birthday is celebrated, because they made it another year. Anniversaries are celebrated because most CF spouses won't get any golden or silver wedding anniversaries. They'll be lucky if they get to double digits. They prepare for their child's graduation knowing that likely the CF parent won't be around. Maybe they make a tape with some words of wisdom before they die for the child to watch on their graduation day.
Other spouses pick up some NyQuil on the way home when their spouse is sick. CF spouses sacrifice much of their free time to add more physical therapy to the daily routine, or to help with IVs. When a CFer calls their spouse to announce they're sick, the CF spouse wonders whether this includes a collapsed lung, or coughing up blood. They ask when they need to be home to take their spouse to the hospital. They wonder if this is the beginning of the end.
Other spouses worry about being late for mom's Thanksgiving dinner. CF spouses don't worry about being late because mom knows there's a good reason. Therapy ran late, or they were walking too slow, or they had a coughing fit on the way out the door and had to stop and rest first. Then mom is happy to see them and tries to stuff their faces with as much food as possible, trying in vain to fatten them up. Moms even leave out a special salt shaker specifically for the CFer. (That one goes out to my second mom Louise).
And other spouses hardly notice when they can say "Happy 60th birthday." CF spouses mourn their spouse's birthday every year, knowing that that's one more year they missed out on.
I would never say CF spouses are better or worse than other spouses are. But I will say there is a difference. And I will say that no one really ever notices or appreciates what CF spouses go through. Because very few people are ever in that kind of position. Six months after the death of a CFer, family and friends are trying to get them to forget already, to move on. And they should know better. One doesn't forget about the missing half of their soul ever, let alone in six months. I can also guess that they never want to forget, even if they could. (That goes out to Allie and Jess).
And I will say, without hesitation, that CF spouses pay a higher price than even the CFer themselves. They suffer their whole lives, but it's all they ever know. Dying young isn't nearly as hard as loving someone who has died before their time, and having to live without them. Or having to explain to their children why their other parent isn't around. Neither is realizing the child was too young to remember their parent. And trying regardless to help them, because they should know how special their other parent was. Nothing is harder than losing half of yourself and trying to live the rest of your life, the next several decades, with such a big piece missing.
<a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/frostypetals/31040.html
">http://www.livejournal.com/users/frostypetals/31040.html
</a>
Anyway, because of that, I've decided to copy some of the parts about regular spouses and write in my own CF responses in place of the military ones.
(I originally posted this in my LJ, but I linked Allie to it and she really liked it, and suggested some of you guys might too, so here it is)
<img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">
Other spouses get married and look forward to building equity in a home and putting down family roots. CF spouses get married and hope to share a home with their spouse for long enough to have a chance to put down family roots.
Other spouses decorate a home with flair and personality that will last a lifetime. CF spouses decorate a home carefully around the CFer's health. Nothing that will cause coughing fits, little or no stairs if possible. They make special room for nebulizers and Vests and endless pill bottles.
Other spouses say good-bye to their spouse for a business trip and know they won't see them for a week. They are lonely, but can survive. CF spouses say goodbye to their spouse to go on a business trip for a week, hoping they will be in the same health when they return home. They're lonely, but even more than that, they're worried. They hope that though they'll have their phone on in case of emergencies, that it won't ring in the middle of the night.
Other spouses, when something breaks or weather kicks in, know they can work together to get things done. CF spouses wi'll have to wake up earlier to get things done before work. To fix the broken appliance, or to shovel out the driveway. They know the CFer can't spend that much time out in the bitter cold air, especially working hard to do something as strenuous as shoveling. They know the CFer can't help with too much around the house. And though it's irritating and puts an unfair workload on them, they keep it to themselves because they know it's not on purpose.
Other spouses worry about whether their child will be class president next year. CF spouses worry about if they'll even be able to have children. If they're lucky enough to become parents, then they worry about what the precious children will do when the CFer parent dies young. If they'll remember their lost loved one.
Other spouses can count on spouse participation in special events... birthdays, anniversaries, and graduation. CF spouses hope to see those special occasions with their spouses still alive and well. Every new birthday is celebrated, because they made it another year. Anniversaries are celebrated because most CF spouses won't get any golden or silver wedding anniversaries. They'll be lucky if they get to double digits. They prepare for their child's graduation knowing that likely the CF parent won't be around. Maybe they make a tape with some words of wisdom before they die for the child to watch on their graduation day.
Other spouses pick up some NyQuil on the way home when their spouse is sick. CF spouses sacrifice much of their free time to add more physical therapy to the daily routine, or to help with IVs. When a CFer calls their spouse to announce they're sick, the CF spouse wonders whether this includes a collapsed lung, or coughing up blood. They ask when they need to be home to take their spouse to the hospital. They wonder if this is the beginning of the end.
Other spouses worry about being late for mom's Thanksgiving dinner. CF spouses don't worry about being late because mom knows there's a good reason. Therapy ran late, or they were walking too slow, or they had a coughing fit on the way out the door and had to stop and rest first. Then mom is happy to see them and tries to stuff their faces with as much food as possible, trying in vain to fatten them up. Moms even leave out a special salt shaker specifically for the CFer. (That one goes out to my second mom Louise).
And other spouses hardly notice when they can say "Happy 60th birthday." CF spouses mourn their spouse's birthday every year, knowing that that's one more year they missed out on.
I would never say CF spouses are better or worse than other spouses are. But I will say there is a difference. And I will say that no one really ever notices or appreciates what CF spouses go through. Because very few people are ever in that kind of position. Six months after the death of a CFer, family and friends are trying to get them to forget already, to move on. And they should know better. One doesn't forget about the missing half of their soul ever, let alone in six months. I can also guess that they never want to forget, even if they could. (That goes out to Allie and Jess).
And I will say, without hesitation, that CF spouses pay a higher price than even the CFer themselves. They suffer their whole lives, but it's all they ever know. Dying young isn't nearly as hard as loving someone who has died before their time, and having to live without them. Or having to explain to their children why their other parent isn't around. Neither is realizing the child was too young to remember their parent. And trying regardless to help them, because they should know how special their other parent was. Nothing is harder than losing half of yourself and trying to live the rest of your life, the next several decades, with such a big piece missing.