CFers who are married contemplating divorce?

[abloedel]

Hi everyone/anyone....I haven't really posted in a while, been busy with work, IV's, getting my port, my daughter, and trying to save my marriage.

I am at my wits end! I found out a little over a year ago that I had CF, and I have had to make drastic changes in my lifestyle. It was all a choice, but I feel that if I want to be around to see my daughter graduate from college, marry, and dare I say, "be around for my grandchildren?", these were necessary choices in changing my lifestyle.

My husband, however, has made in abudantly clear that he's not willing to make the choices that I feel are necessary for me to live.

I asked my husband to move out tonight; and he said he would start looking for a place tomorrow.

I am fortunate that I am in a place right now and healthy enough that I can work, have insurance, and can support me and my daughter. But, I have to admit that I questioned my choice tonight to ask my husband to move out on purely materialistic levels. What if I get so sick that I can't work? If we stay together, that is not an issue....

So, I have never been one to say don't stay with someone for monetary reasons, but now I find myself thinking thoughts like that....

I was just wondering if any of you are in an unhappy marriage/relationship, but contemplate staying because of financial reasons and the uncertainty of the future.

 

[JazzysMom]

I am divorced & remarried. My first husband was much older & one thing that helped me decide to actually marry him instead of just living together like we had been was his financial stability. He co owned a very successful business, owned his own home that was mortgage free etc. I did supply the health insurance after we were married, but I am sure if we would have been together when I stopped working that the health insurance situation would have worked out. When I left him I was scared. At that time I was still working fulltime & actually had to keep him on my health insurance as part of our seperation agreement. When I met my new husband, $$$ wasnt an issue. We both were starting over with the basics. We both were working & literally worked together to create a new life with new things. As I have gotten sicker over time I can say that I am 1000000000% grateful for my hubby & his job because the benefits are MUCH better than anything I ever had & I had some good jobs for our little, country town. I would love him no matter what. The $$ isnt as imporant. The health benefits are a BIG plus tho! Your peace of mind is essential. It might take some work or thinkng to get thru the financial aspect of stuff, but I am sure you will do fine!

P.S. When my first husband & I started having problems he relied on buying material things to make me happy. Which worked for the moment, but of course it didnt last. The last thing he bought me was a brand, new house. I left within a year of moving into that house. Material things dont cut it longterm unless you are TOTALLY shallow!

 

[skh]

Wow, you have sure been faced with quite a few changes in a short time. I believe that you know in your heart what is best for you and although making life changing decisions are scary because of the unknown you will do fine. If your husband wasn't willing to work with you on the changes that you feel are necessary then that doesn't leave you much choice. I am sorry that you have to be going through all of this.

How old is your daughter?

Sue

 

[anonymous]

quote:
My husband, however, has made in abudantly clear that he's not willing to make the choices that I feel are necessary for me to live

What are you referring to? Does he care about your health? I say if he cares about your cf then it is worth saving. To me when someone takes care of you then money or no money this person is worth all the weight in the world

Risa

 

[anonymous]

I believe I read your message too fast and replied too quickly as well

Since you have a daughter together try counseling. I would give it another try to make sure you have given it all a try before divorce. Many relationships can work if both parties agree to try.

I hope you can find peace and make your marriage work. It is not easy being alone when you have an illness. I did live on my own then got married then got divorced then got remarried all in twenty years.

I loved being single and hated being married to the first man then hated being alone when I was sick. When I got my first transplant, I met my husband six months after and we have been together for ten years.

if you are really unhappy then still go to counseling before the divorce.

Take good care of yourself
Risa

 

[luke]

Amy,

I too have been divorced and remarried. My ex wife was not supportive of me living and liked to focus more on me dying and how unfair it would be to her. I didn't take care of myself back then and I know have done irreparible damage to my lungs. I am remarried to a wonderful supportive woman now and am religious about my regimen. We don't go to bars, we don't hang around people who smoke, she evens tolerates that I fall asleep at 900 on friday nights(like last night) and is 100% behind me and my health.

Our lives are short and our time it too important to surround ourselves by negative people. Good luck on your journey of happiness.

 

[EnergyGal]

Luke

Your wife looks like a sweetheart

 

[65rosessamurai]

Amy,
As another CF'r who had recently divorced, I would have to agree with Risa. Finding out that, despite your husband may not be willing to make adjustments to the current lifestyle, does he care about you and your health, and will he support you when you become very sick (Till death do you part, etc.?)
The reason why I come to this question, is that my ex-wife NEVER would have, and it took me 10 years to realize, she already didn't abide by the "Through sickness, and bad times,...till death...", she had even told me several times throughout our last five years of marriage, if I were to be hospitalized, that would be the end of our marriage.
However, in your situation, if your husband IS willing to go through that, as part of the vows, you may still have a chance to "salvage" the marriage, in my opinion. Besides it being tough on the children, having to bring up a child, with your health complications, may be more complicated.
I didn't want to divorce, either, but when the most important part of the marriage breaks down (Trust, Communication, Love), there is no other choice than to take care of yourself.
Since counseling wasn't available here, I had to to to friends for support. I would also recommend counseling, before making such a big decision, it is a decision that will change your life, entirely.
Good luck with your decision.

Luke,
your marriage life sounds so parallel to mine!! My ex was similar in the thoughts of not caring about my health, just her own materialistic way of life, using my income.
My new wife, also a sweetheart, is totally supportive of my health!!
Good luck to us both!

 

[Scarlett81]

All I can say is I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now. Very hard-and then the health problems on top of it.
I can't really give you any advice, other than try to work it out. If he's willing. You have a child together, so obviously you'll be linked to each other forever. Regardless, only you two know the intimate details between you both. I think it's hard to get advice from anyone else on this situation.
As someone who's been through therapy, and counseling, maybe talking to someone would help. Whether he's for it or not, go by yourself. People underestimate how difficult separations are, and especially how complicated they get when serious health issues are present. Talking to someone who really understands will let you get it all out. (therapist, doctor, pastor, bible counselor) And even if you feel ok now, you can always revisit the issue later if you need to.
Wishing you and your child the best!

 

[abloedel]

Thanks for everyone's replies. I'll share a little more detail on my situation...

My daughter is 17, a senior in high school, and heading off to college in the fall. She is a huge help to me now as my husband is rarely home.

Prior to me getting really sick, my husband and I were quite the partiers...lots of drinking, smoking, late nights, etc). Since my last pneumonia, CF diagnosis, and major loss of lung function, I have quit smoking, rarely drink, and have a hard time now staying awake past 9pm.

Initially, I wasn't religious about my treatments, but am now; especially since getting my port put in. Additionally, I have joined a health club, signed us up for the "family" membership. My daughter goes with me all fo the time, but my husband still chooses to go to the bars to hang out and drink. He did recently quit smoking, but I feel like if I want to see him, I have to go to the bar and hang out in all of the smoke.

I have talked to my husband about this over and over, but either he doesn't get it or he doesn't care. I feel it is to the point where I can't tell.

As far as the "til death to us part", he would be one that would hang in there with me, I know he would, but I think out of a sense of obligation rather than desire.

I will check into counseling...I doubt he will go, but maybe I can express my feelings better speaking rather than writing.

I hope everyone is well tonight!

 

[65rosessamurai]

Amy,
I'd like to thank you for the extra feedback.
I know the obligation part of staying together seems kinda tough, but if there are still other things within the marriage that still hold well (communication, trust), perhaps the obligation is worth a try.
Hoping that a sense of happiness, or "well off" feelings during the marriage can be found, and he can eventually support your wish for a change in lifestyle.
I had nearly an entire family who smoked, and I complained often, to no avail. Most peoples understanding happens when THEY, themselves have a similar crisis come at hand. After my dad had a major heart attack, he apologized left and right about smoking around me from those days.
Good luck, and BTW, it's not evening for me!! It's actually Monday noontime!
so, when you read this reply....good morning! some days tend to get better with support from around you.

 

[sarabeth87]

OMG, i just came on the off topic forum to post about this exact same thing. i dont have kids and we just got married 2 months ago. i was so stupid for marrying him and before we even got married, i knew it would be a mistake. well he is sure to let me know everyday just how stupid I am. he is always mad at me and calling me stupid and a f**king idiot. we've been together for 3 years and he has always treated me like this. he smokes, so since i've been with him, my pfts have went down. i know this is my fault because i chose to be with him and stay with him, but i want to leave soooooooo bad, i just can't bring myself to do it.

 

[julie]

Amy,

I don't have any advice to offer you, I really wish I did. I've been complating what to post since I first saw you create this thread, but I have nothing of great benefit to you.

I do want to let you know that I will be praying for and thinking of you through all of this and some of the rather hard decisions you might have to make. I'm not sure what your desires are regarding this relationship, and really it's none of my business... maybe you aren't even sure what will be best. But I will be praying for the outcome that will be the best for you and for your family! That's really all I have to offer you.

Take care of yourself.

 

[LouLou]

I will pray for both Amy and Sara to change the things they can and accept the things they can not change. Follow your heart!

 

[anonymous]

Risa here

Too lazy to log on

I was married to a nice guy but he had a hot temper and my cf at the time was moderate and I knew that the stress made my cf worse so I divorced him. I told myself if I had to be single for ten years i would. By the way, I was ruthless and threw him out of my house after he pushed my huge button. IT just got to be too much and I knew I deserved better. Later on, I met his new wife and she told me she took over where I left off (funny joke)

So it took me a long time to meet my Husband today as I just casually met him and it just happened to work out. I always lived alone and loved the single life at times. When I got sick I realized how much better I would have been to have found someone. After my transplant I took meeting another man seriously and about four months later I found my perfect guy. We are now married for one year and been together for ten. We did not rush the marriage thing. We were living together for many years prior to marriage. He was with me every step of the way during my second transplant.

I lived on my own from the age of 20 got married at 26 to the first guy then got divorced at 31. I started a serious relationship at the age of 36 and been with the same man since. In between my marriages, I did not take dating seriously as I was getting sicker.

I think it is a good idea if you are not that sick CF wise if you are miserable get a divorce. If you cannot make the relationship work move on so you can find a devoted man. staying in an unhappy relationship is pure torture.

What motivated me to get my divorce- I wrote a list of things he did to me or things that I perceived as wrong and it took me ten minutes to complete the list of two hundred things. I put this list in my jewelry box just in case one day I would miss him. I never missed him.

I learned not to look for looks as they fade. I found a cute huggable man who is very clean and very healthy and he is also handsome.

When looking for a man it is best to find one who lives a healthy life style someone who works out, eats healthy and takes his work seriously. Being very affectionate is a plus. Someone who loves to hug and not jump your bones lol

Good luck and I am sure you will find your mr. Right
Risa

 

[thelizardqueen]

I've been in a situation where I had to rely on my partner for financial support, etc. We had been together for about a year, and 6 month in I became miserable. I know this isn't the same as a marriage, but I did have to rely on my ex for financial support, so I can understand the 'not sure what you should do' aspect. The way I looked at it, was did I want to be miserable for the rest of my life, or would I be willing to yes perhaps move back in with my family for awhile, and be single, but be happy and healthy. I choose being healthy and happy. But this is a decision that everyone has to make themselves. Sometimes you have to decide what is most important to you - happiness and health, or financial support from the person you hate? Do you not have family that maybe you could stay with for awhile? Friends maybe?