Dating

[sassypoo]

Ok. I am 26, I am pretty, (I would upload a picture but I want to
be anonymous). I am an actress, and have been pretty much single as
far as I can remember. Same pattern with every guy.  They want
to date me, we get along great, I tell them about CF, a few months
later they break up with me but want to continue to be friends. At
this point, I really feel like I am never going to find a partner.
I know that eventually my health will fail me, and no one will have
ever loved me.  <br>
<br>
I am paralyzed by this fear, I am completely depressed over it and
worry about the sadness' affect on my health.<br>
<br>
Have you ever been "here"- how did you climb out of it?

 

[anonymous]

You and me are in the same boat. I dated a girl for almost 2 years and we ended up breaking up because she couldnt handle the fact that i was sick. We are still friends but i have been very oh held back i would say because that really hurt me. I am only 23 but she is the only girl i ever had a serious relationship with so when u figure out how to get around this let me know...

 

[thelizardqueen]

I've had 2 serious relationships in my life - one for 1 year, and another for 2 years. In the end, my health became a problem for both of them. I'm turning 25 next month, and find the fact that I'm single again, and that this is as good as my health will get very scary. I try not to worry about the "timeline". My way of thinking is that things will work out in the end - I believe in destiny (as silly as that may sound). I'm positive that there is someone out there for everyone. You just have to keep faith. Obviously because these guys are dumping you for your health, means that they are not winners, and that they don't respect you as a person. You deserve better, and I'm sure you'll find better when you least expect it!

 

[Ender]

Ya exactly.

It all depends on how you approach your disease too. If you act like you are a sick death case, then ya, they are gonna get scared. If you are strong willed, confident and treat it like it's just something you have, I think they will be more inclined to think you are a strong willed fighter, rather than a sick depressed...sick person hahah. It's all how you hold yourself.

I'm sure you don't play the sick hand...so i dunno. I guess they just weren't ready for such a commitment. Cause it is. It just takes some weeding to find the person willing to accept cf and you for what it is. And trust me, when you find that person, your bond will be stronger than most others.

When it comes to telling people, i don't really mind (prospective dates mind you, I don't tell everyone). I view cf as something special...a part of the greatness that makes me me. I'm proud that i am who i am, still alive and well, with something that can potentially be not so good. I like being unique sometimes. Makes life interesting.

So ya...just hang in there, keep your head high, and it will come. Don't dwell on your health, and try not to scare them lo

Good luck,
Kiel

 

[NoExcuses]

.

 

[anonymous]

Hi All,

In all fairness, just because someone is dating you doesn't mean they owe you life long commitment. Dating is about spending time with someone to see if you want to take the relationship further, just like if you were dating someone and you discovered that they're not the person for you, that's all OK.

Maybe you've just been unlucky and the CF played no part, maybe you need to be love yourself first before you start demanding that someone else loves you, it's disasterous to rely on someone else for your own sense of identity.

LB (littlemisssilly)
29 / fm / CF / CFRD

 

[anonymous]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>anonymous</b></i>

Hi All,







Maybe you've just been unlucky and the CF played no part, maybe you need to be love yourself first before you start demanding that someone else loves you, it's disasterous to rely on someone else for your own sense of identity.



LB (littlemisssilly)

29 / fm / CF / CFRD</end quote></div>


This is true, I had a <i>very</i> pretty, sweet and kind co-worker who did not have CF and was in your boat at 29 years old. She always told me how she couldn't get more than a second date with guys. She was only meeting them in bars, so that may have been a factor...maybe not. I met my guy of almost 3years in a bar, all others before him too, he was the only one who has worked out. So my point is that life is RANDOM, there is no answer as to where to meet people and whether or not you are going to meet someone just because you have CF. You just have to keep positive and what is meant to be will come around. Enjoy what you DO have. I know how hard that can be when you long for a relationship. I felt the same way as you 3 years ago and actually gave up, telling my friends and convincing myself that "some people are meant to be alone" and decided to just enjoy my friends and family...then a couple months later I met my current BF. So , you never know what's going to happen or who your going to meet. Stay positive and don't worry, you're not alone. Sometimes it takes people (with CF and without CF) longer time to find their matches...<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

D@#M...that was me...Chantelfox, I forgot to sign in again...

Chantel,
24 w/CF

 

[anonymous]

I had NO luck with guys until I met Mike and I don't have cf. Dating is hard no matter what the circumstances.
I knew Mike had cf from our very first date (it was a blind date and he was totally open and honest with me from the begining). I was impressed by his drive and determination. I didn't know very much about cf. To tie into the other thread... he wasn't working at the time but he was volunteer counseling at his cf clinic and told me he wanted to switch to a career in counseling after his transplant (he was going through the evaluation... he was listed a few months after we started dating). He kept busy and had a game plan for his future so I was fine with that. He was worried my family would think he was a "bum" but my family LOVES him and are excited for him to get his transplant so he can dp the things he has always wanted to do.
I forget what my point was, I am exhausted. He is in the hospital and I can't sleep well when he's not there.
-Katy (at work, not signed in)

 

[EnergyGal]

If I sound too personal just ignore my comment. I would not have sex with them until they get to know you and your cF and show acts of love and commitment. Sex is way to easy these days. This was my way of keeping a relationship going. I need respect and trust before I would give it away.

 

[tonrsoul82]

Well on this topic It is kind of touchy with me, but since most all
of you have CF and deal with probably the same stuff here it goes
heh.<br>
I am 23 years old and have one relationship that I would consider
serious.  It lasted about 8 months.  When I met the girl
it was a sort of the "spur of the moment" thing.  I
started talking with her and within a few days we were hanging out
quite a bit and going on dates a few times a week.  But as I
got sicker I found my self secluding myself more and more.
 When I went in the hospital She was there with me EVERYDAY
for 4-6 hours depending on what her work schedule was.  BUT
for the first 3-4 days (until the antibiotics started kicking in
and upping my functions) I really didn't pay much attention to her.
 I talked to her about it told her what I was going through.
 Asked her what she thought and what she was thinking/going
through ( about me secluding myself)  We were both ok with it
and kinda brushed it off.  Well about 5 months after that I
started getting sick again and was getting nearing to a
hospitalization.  She decided then that she did not want to go
through with the whole affair again.  So here I am about 2
years later and still single.<br>
But it don't matter who it is my mom dad sisters friends work
anyone I still seclude myself kind of draw my self into my own
world when I get sick.   Is this normal for any of you??

 

[littledebbie]

This is a toughy because it could be numerous things... I whine
about this frequently in my blog so I know your pain..I am a
catch..what can I say?  Cute, funny, smart, stylish...humble.
 But than there's the CF thing...and you know it's more than
just "do I tell them about it and when"(which is a huge
deal of course).  CF and other life experience has helped make
me me (wonderful, oh wait we already covered that) and I find I'm
in a weird situation.  I think I would best be suited to
someone who's a bit older, more mature, ready to settle down and
who knows life is not easy and no one is perfect etc.
 However, I look even younger than I am so I think older guys
don't know I'm even on their menu.  <br>
<br>
And because of the Cf I know I need someone who is reliable who
will come through for me when I need them, not flip out so that I
have to be reassuring them etc.  Like Mr. Montana when I get
sick I pull in a little bit because when I'm sick. I have to narrow
my field of focus to taking care of myself.  That means I
can't "be what people need me to be" and I need someone
who can either show that they are all right with dealing with my
prickly attitude, but want to be in the loop; or who is alright
just giving me space to do my thing and will be there when I'm
ready for them.<br>
<br>
I also know I need someone with a great sense of humor because I
can't get through all this without laughing at it and if that's
going to make someone uncomfortable or they want to try to make me
"be serious" we're not going to work.  So I guess
like every American girl I have a laundry list of qualifications.
 And I'm not settling for a warm body...well I mean I'll DATE
a warm body <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> but I'm not putting the word
"relationship" on a warm body.  I would truly rather
be alone.  I do chose to just hold on to my crazy romantic
faith that there is someone out there for me but you know he's like
a Jimmy Choo in a world of Reebok and luckily I'm a persistent
shopper, I will find him.  <br>
<br>
I get discouraged though (just see blog....).  And I am SURE
sometimes I get dumped for reasons other than my health
*gasp*...what idiots!  But such is life and who wants to be
with a idiot?  Oh I should say I know I have been dumped
because of my health and I know I have been dumped because the boy
was a dummy and I have done the dump a few times because they were
not right for me.  So see... I guess it's all just very HARD
and complicated and frustrating...I have no answers this was just a
long post to say ...I feel your pain! 

 

[anonymous]

Lets see, out of all the relationships I've had there were only two guys that I dated the longest, one you already know and thats my husband, and the other I dated for about three months. I cant exactly remember when I told him about my cf, but I do remember that his mom was a nurse so she new what cf was all about, he, i dont think had a clue, but his mom told him about it. When he broke up with me I wasnt sure if it was because I was going to be TOO expensive for him, meaning by bills and meds and such, or if he broke up with me because I wasn't the party/drinking type.

My husband I remember the day I told him, we was in his truck going somewhere, and I remember telling him I had a doc. appointment and he asked why, and thats when I told him. I think he didnt realize how searious this disease could be, he didnt even know what this disease really was or what it consisted of, I dont think. It wasnt until we got married and he went into the room with me at the doc appt. and the doc was saying something to the effect of, well since you have psuedomonas you'll only be expected to live another 10 years. Talk about a big blow! I didnt even like hearing that, but after hearing the doc say that, thats when Mike realized how serious it really was. I hate to bust that doctors bubble but I have more than 10 years to live, I have until Im 75 years old to live. (The doc that told me that was my doc when I was a little girl, not the doc I have now).

If my husband knew more about cf and what it came with, then there would of been a chance of him breaking up with me, i believe. I've asked him about this before but cant remember what he said.

PrincessJDC

 

[miesl]

I didn't meet Jeremy until he was almost 26. He hadn't had any girlfriends before that.

Sometimes it just happens that you don't find someone worthwhile until you're older.

-Michelle, (Just married!)

 

[anonymous]

I TOTALLY agree with the poster why said that they seclude themselves when they get sick. I do that all the time. I make it seem like I am fine until I can't hide it anymore so I just shut down and don't really talk to anyone. My boyfriend now is only trying to help but I refuse to tell him if i am sick. Makes me think that if he really knew he would leave me.

he did tell his friends and that made me feel horrible too. I just don't like the feeling that people think I am just this sick person.

Ah what is the CFer to do?<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

Sue 24w/CF

 

[katyf13]

Before I met Mike I was pretty sure I was going to be alone forever. Well, not alone, but maybe the only human in a house full of stray animals. I had a few relationships of about 6 months to a year but I was never happy with them. They were all pretty shallow and never really knew me.
Then I met Mike. He had 3 long term relationships before me (with psychos... he tended to settle) I was instantly comfortable with him. I have never been so close with anyone and I never imagined feeling that way about anyone. So it's kind of cliche to hear "It will happen when the time is right" or "There is someone out there for you" but it is indeed true. You have to put yourself out there though. I will "out" myself and admit I met Mike on match.com. And I would now reccomend it to everyone!!! Hang in there.

 

[lightNlife]

I don't know if the article linked below is helpful to anyone
specifically, and since I'm married and not part of the dating
pool, I don't have a whole lot to add on the topic. For the record,
I had reservations about posting this link since it's about sex and
the topic thread is about dating. My personal opinion is that sex
outside of marriage only complicates things. CFers have enough to
deal with without the added frustration of heartache and deflated
self-esteem that can result when sexual intimacy is not reserved
for marriage. This is not a value judgment on anyone's way of life,
only my point of view.<br>
<br>
<a href=
"http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/2006/03/breaking_the_ice_on_sex_intima.php#more">
Breaking The Ice on Sex and Intimacy</a> by Keesha Meyes<br>
<br>
My personal experience with letting people (including potential
dates) know about CF is that I did what I could to let them
see me before they saw CF. I didn't hide the fact that I had CF; I
didn't downplay it either.  I was frank about it. People who
know me well know that CF is not who I am, but something that I
have.<br>
<br>
Brad (my husband) began a relationship with me knowing full-well
that I had CF. He found out about it, did all sorts of reading on
the subject and asked me out anyway! I think that's a large part of
why he never faltered in his commitment to me. He didn't have to go
through a "trial by fire" so to speak when my health took
a turn. He had a reasonable degree of understanding at the outset.
As we progressed in our relationship and he gradually learned more
of the realities of CF, the circumstances we faced served to cement
our relationship. I think I'm one of the lucky ones and I wish more
people with CF could have the experience that I did when it came to
finding someone with whom I share my entire life. <br>
<br>

 

[Jennifer1981]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your past relationship. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I am a 24-year-old female with CF. I started dating when I was 16, which was stupid. See I felt like I was always on a "timeline". I had to "rush" everything. I wanted more than anything to have a husband someday so I started dating young.

At first the guy seemed okay. We met at school and lived about 3 miles from each other. He was 18. I told him upfront about my CF. The first year was great. And yes, I was in the hospital once, but it didn't matter. After that, he started treating me differently. I didn't know it at the time, but he started cheating. He called less, stopped by less, and was just a "jerk" in general. He didn't want to break up, though. And I was too stupid to dump him. I had it in my head that "no one else would even want me". Finally, after <b>5 </b>years, I dumped him. I wasted five years with a "jerk" and "threw away" time I could have had with my few friends or family. That was and still is depressing!!! I wish I could turn back time.

However, it did work out for me. Six months later I met my husband. And get this, we met in Philadelphia when I was there for a <b>CF check-up</b>. Talk about the odds. Today, I'm happily married for nearly 3 years. My husband never leaves my side if I'm in the hospital. I was in the hospital for 4 days in July, and he took some vacation time so he could be with me day and night. His employers are great. They have a relative with CF so they know the drill.

My point is don't rush it. It will happen. I always believed in happy-endings. There is someone out there for everyone. When I left my ex after 5 stupid years, my attitude was "so I have CF, but I'm not going to but up with sh*t either". Then I met my husband. Keep a positive attitude and keep faith. It usually happens when you are not looking. <b>Trust me</b>!!! Good luck!!!

Jenny 24 W/CF

 

[coltsfan715]

I am currently in a wonderful relationship with Kurt (my future hubby), but have had 3 serious relationships in the past. Each of my prior relationships ended for reasons that really did pertain to CF, but I was the one to end them.

The first relationship I had was at 16/17 - the wonderful H.S. b/f lol. He knew I had CF though I never really came right out and told him. We had mutual friends and everyone just knew. Well I ended up being diagnosed with CFRD while we were together. I thought he was just amazing at that time. He came to the hospital everyday and went through the diabetes education with me. We figured he would be spending a large portion of time with me - so he needed to know this stuff too. Well 3 months later I was still getting the hang of CFRD and had a situation where we had gone to the beach and I had left my insulin at home. I took 2 shots a day breakfast and dinner and had been told we would be home by 5pm, so I had no reason to think to bring it (in my mind). Well turns out my b/f/ had said 5pm, but he had other plans. He took me to another friends house. Then decided to stay for dinner and thus didn't get me home til almost 9pm. I was starved and had been waiting to eat until I had my medicine. He didn't care at all. He treated me like it was my fault and that I was over reacting and so on. Then he had the nerve to say .. I didn't even know you had to take insulin at dinner time. I about killed him - knowing he had sat through the education and been there for EVERYTHING and he knew exactly what I had to do. We broke up 2 days later, after we finally decided to talk to one another.

Second b/f was my first love. I thought for sure he was it and I would have married him in a heart beat (at the time) had he only asked. I had told him about my having CF on our second date. Well he was in the military and we had a long distance thing going for over a year. Then he decided he was going to get out of the military and move back to Michigan. I told him I couldn't go to Michigan. I have grown up in a humid tropical climate- so when I am in extremely cold areas I get sick much easier. I told him I could compromise and maybe move somewhere in the middle, between Florida and Michigan, but he wouldn't budge. I finally just ended it. Instead of waiting another year for him to get out of the military and find out then that he absolutely would not compromise. I figured I would save myself from wasting time.

Third b/f was just an a- hole. I was simply with him, so I wasn't alone. At least that is how it turned out. I liked him at first, but as time passed it was miserable. My insecurities made me think that I couldn't do any better and this was what I deserved. I finally got the word from my doc when I was with ex number 3 that I should start thinking about not having kids. Well I told him about it cause it had upset me and so on. Then being the loving b/f he said I don't know if I can be with you long term if you can't have kids. We had already been unhappily involved for almost a yr. I was thinking WHAT?!? we have been together somewhat long term - this isn't a one night stand kind of thing. About 2 months later I ended things because his attitude became even worse and I couldn't handle it at all.

Then I met Kurt and everything just fell into place. I can honestly say that I found Kurt right after I stopped looking for someone else to make me happy and make me feel whole. I started looking for things I enjoyed. I loaded myself up with classes at college. I was taking 6 classes - mostly history classes and loving it. Kurt and I became friends before my relationship ended with ex#3. I had already told him I had CF because I was getting sick and going to be missing class and I didn't want everyone wondering where I was. I told him and he was okay with it. Partly because he didn't know what it was but even when he looked into it - he respected me for it and didn't hold it against me.

I had also gotten to a point where I thought I would be destined to be in short "going nowhere" relationships. To be honest I even started to feel that way about me and Kurt. All of my prior relationships lasted about 1 - 1 1/2 yrs. As Kurt and I started nearing that mark I just knew it was going to come to an end. We surpassed that and made it to 2 years, and he proposed the day before our 2 yr aniversary. I was in total disbelief. It was so upsetting to me because I had been given something that I never thought I would have. I honestly never felt someone would want me with CF. Not that I wasn't worth it, but I didn't think I would find anyone with enough character to take on CF voluntarily or because they loved me enough.

I just have been in your situation and felt the way you feel. Even though the relationships I have been in have lasted a decent amount of time I was alone a good portion of those - mentally alone and fighting my fight against CF on my own. The sadness that comes from this can effect your health in the long run, so I would try to find a way to get out there and get your mind off of it. I also agree with everyone that said alot of how CF is perceived is how you perceive it for yourself. If you think it is awful and that no one is going to want you because of it - it may become a self fulfilling prophecy and you will be right. Whereas if you try not to think about it and just focus on things that make you happy you may come across the person that is perfect for you.

Good Luck - and it will happen when the time is right. Also to add, open yourself up to love from any and every possible source. I know for me I found true love with Kurt and I never in a million years pictured myself with someone like him - personalitywise and lookwise, but now I can't picture myself without him. Sometimes you find love in unexpected places.

Good Luck,
Lindsey

 

[Giggles]

I think for what it is worth, that you gotta love yourself before someone can love you. If you tell a guy that you have CF and he walks then he was NOT the right man for you and you would not want him anyway. You need someone special that is gonna stand by you thru thick and thin. Sounds like you have alot going for yourself and I would just be happy with yourself, the friends in your life, what you do in your life and the guy will come. It is like the old saying, and watched pot will never boil. You WILL find the right man and he will be wonderful, he is out there just be patient and in the meantime love that your health is great now and take in all of life that you can! A man should not define you or create your happiness. You should be a happy adjusted person and the right man will follow.

I do hope this helps and hang in there. Dating could be hard, frustrating and disappointing.


Jennifer 34 years old with CF and CFRD