Guilt

[Blue]

I've recently had an epiphany about the guilt and shame I've felt...

Every 3 months I go to a checkup and wait anxiously until I do my pft's and compare the results to my previous visit. I've realized those results determine the level of success or guilt and shame I feel. These feelings don't usually linger, but this roller coaster of emotion in always there. I know that it is my responsibility to do my med's like I'm advised (which I faithfully do) and to exercise and do some form of airway clearance... but even after all my efforts there is always more that can be done. This disease isn't simple. So I go to these apts and I get my results and if my numbers have dropped a couple % pts, I feel shame. It's like these numbers somehow define me.

I'm not sure why I do this to myself. I'm learning that I don't have ultimate control over this disease (and I'm not saying that to let myself off the hook) but to be confident in my efforts and then accept the results for what they are.

I'm not sure any can relate, just thought I'd share about my journey.

 

[Blue]

I've recently had an epiphany about the guilt and shame I've felt...

Every 3 months I go to a checkup and wait anxiously until I do my pft's and compare the results to my previous visit. I've realized those results determine the level of success or guilt and shame I feel. These feelings don't usually linger, but this roller coaster of emotion in always there. I know that it is my responsibility to do my med's like I'm advised (which I faithfully do) and to exercise and do some form of airway clearance... but even after all my efforts there is always more that can be done. This disease isn't simple. So I go to these apts and I get my results and if my numbers have dropped a couple % pts, I feel shame. It's like these numbers somehow define me.

I'm not sure why I do this to myself. I'm learning that I don't have ultimate control over this disease (and I'm not saying that to let myself off the hook) but to be confident in my efforts and then accept the results for what they are.

I'm not sure any can relate, just thought I'd share about my journey.

 

[Blue]

I've recently had an epiphany about the guilt and shame I've felt...
<br />
<br />Every 3 months I go to a checkup and wait anxiously until I do my pft's and compare the results to my previous visit. I've realized those results determine the level of success or guilt and shame I feel. These feelings don't usually linger, but this roller coaster of emotion in always there. I know that it is my responsibility to do my med's like I'm advised (which I faithfully do) and to exercise and do some form of airway clearance... but even after all my efforts there is always more that can be done. This disease isn't simple. So I go to these apts and I get my results and if my numbers have dropped a couple % pts, I feel shame. It's like these numbers somehow define me.
<br />
<br />I'm not sure why I do this to myself. I'm learning that I don't have ultimate control over this disease (and I'm not saying that to let myself off the hook) but to be confident in my efforts and then accept the results for what they are.
<br />
<br />I'm not sure any can relate, just thought I'd share about my journey.

 

[nmw615]

I think I know what you mean. I'm a very competitive person, especially against myself, and I'm always trying to improve my pft's. When I improve a few % pts, I feel amazing and proud, but when I lose even 2%, I feel horrible and like I wasn't even trying.

A couple years ago I was around 110%, but I had to have part of my lung removed and I dropped to 75%. I logically knew that my pft's would drop significantly, but it still really hurt and made me feel guilty for not being able to reach even 100% again. I'm still working on getting over it, but it's pretty hard.

 

[nmw615]

I think I know what you mean. I'm a very competitive person, especially against myself, and I'm always trying to improve my pft's. When I improve a few % pts, I feel amazing and proud, but when I lose even 2%, I feel horrible and like I wasn't even trying.

A couple years ago I was around 110%, but I had to have part of my lung removed and I dropped to 75%. I logically knew that my pft's would drop significantly, but it still really hurt and made me feel guilty for not being able to reach even 100% again. I'm still working on getting over it, but it's pretty hard.

 

[nmw615]

I think I know what you mean. I'm a very competitive person, especially against myself, and I'm always trying to improve my pft's. When I improve a few % pts, I feel amazing and proud, but when I lose even 2%, I feel horrible and like I wasn't even trying.
<br />
<br />A couple years ago I was around 110%, but I had to have part of my lung removed and I dropped to 75%. I logically knew that my pft's would drop significantly, but it still really hurt and made me feel guilty for not being able to reach even 100% again. I'm still working on getting over it, but it's pretty hard.

 

[Melissa75]

Interesting... I think I lean more toward anger and self pity.
One of the biggest challenges for me is figuring out what is and isn't in my control, so I understand where you are coming from.
((HUGS))

 

[Melissa75]

Interesting... I think I lean more toward anger and self pity.
One of the biggest challenges for me is figuring out what is and isn't in my control, so I understand where you are coming from.
((HUGS))

 

[Melissa75]

Interesting... I think I lean more toward anger and self pity.
<br />One of the biggest challenges for me is figuring out what is and isn't in my control, so I understand where you are coming from.
<br />((HUGS))

 

[Shine]

I totally understand this feeling. As I get this feeling too <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0"> Some weeks your working your butt off to stay healthy and fit in your lungs, so you can see that lung function go up a few %s...only to find it's gone down or hasn't moved at all.

I know it seems hopeless, but please don't lose hope Blue. Praying for you.

Very BIG hugs your way...

Shine <3

 

[Shine]

I totally understand this feeling. As I get this feeling too <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0"> Some weeks your working your butt off to stay healthy and fit in your lungs, so you can see that lung function go up a few %s...only to find it's gone down or hasn't moved at all.

I know it seems hopeless, but please don't lose hope Blue. Praying for you.

Very BIG hugs your way...

Shine <3

 

[Shine]

I totally understand this feeling. As I get this feeling too <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0"> Some weeks your working your butt off to stay healthy and fit in your lungs, so you can see that lung function go up a few %s...only to find it's gone down or hasn't moved at all.
<br />
<br />I know it seems hopeless, but please don't lose hope Blue. Praying for you.
<br />
<br />Very BIG hugs your way...
<br />
<br />Shine <3

 

[juliesdreamteam]

The Precious Present
Spencer Johnson M.D. (Author)

About $5 on Amazon. Can be read in about 10 minutes. If you can, you should try to get a copy. This book changed my life. Keep pushing forward. We're praying for you.

 

[juliesdreamteam]

The Precious Present
Spencer Johnson M.D. (Author)

About $5 on Amazon. Can be read in about 10 minutes. If you can, you should try to get a copy. This book changed my life. Keep pushing forward. We're praying for you.

 

[juliesdreamteam]

The Precious Present
<br />Spencer Johnson M.D. (Author)
<br />
<br />About $5 on Amazon. Can be read in about 10 minutes. If you can, you should try to get a copy. This book changed my life. Keep pushing forward. We're praying for you.

 

[Jeana]

I know just how you feel. In addition, I feel like I let down my family when I drop. If only I'd done my treadmill, etc. I always feel like I have to explain it, even though I know the disease is progressive.

 

[Jeana]

I know just how you feel. In addition, I feel like I let down my family when I drop. If only I'd done my treadmill, etc. I always feel like I have to explain it, even though I know the disease is progressive.

 

[Jeana]

I know just how you feel. In addition, I feel like I let down my family when I drop. If only I'd done my treadmill, etc. I always feel like I have to explain it, even though I know the disease is progressive.