So I met this girl in school and she doesn't know anything about me having CF. I'm very lucky in that I've never had a hospitalization or anything major and I'm 20. I'm pretty close to "normal," but I know in the future what turns my life could take. I really want her to know because honesty is the most important thing in any relationship. I asked her out and we've gone on some dates, but it's certain that I want a long term relationship with this girl. We've only known each other for a couple weeks, but how do I tell her about it. Do I tell her before we committ to each other, after.....what? She's the same age as me, but is not nearly as knowledgable in the biological areas. I'm really scared of losing her because she's so understanding, but I'm not sure if I've known her long enough to tell her about it. I don't take my enzymes in front of her when we eat, bc i don't want it to come up...not taking enzymes doesn't make me sick luckily. If anyone can think of a smooth way to bring up the topic or when I should bring it up. I don't want to whip out the enzymes at dinner and have her ask me with a ton of people around, I'd rather it be more private.
How to tell her
- Thread starter anonymous
- Start date
well if she really likes you that should not be a problem for you to tell her becoz in a relationship u don't judge and if she gives you any trouble then she is not the right one for you and judt be honest about and if you would like to brack it to her nicely take her out to a nice resturant and then teel her.your little helper becstar
i think the longer you wait the harder it will get to tell her. And it's not worth jepardizing your health to try to deny it. As far as a smooth way to tell her. Well i think whipping out the enzymes at the dinner table might be alright. YOu know since you're not ill at the moment i don't think it will be a big issu, but if it is and she freaks; she may not hav an accepting personality type and it might be best to mov on; just don't approch the issue like youre going to die tomorow or she'll bolt
good luck
tom
good luck
tom
do not pop the pills in front of her and wait for her to ask-believe me-she will think of you as mannerless. You do owe her the courtsey of an explanation, and be prepared for lots of questions, you should refer her to this site for more information if you feel comfortable doing that.
I met my husband, who has CF, when I was 16 and he was 19. He told me right off the bat about his CF and I said, oh-ok because I had no idea what he was talking about. Eventually as we started getting more comfortable in the relationship-out came millions of questions. Some he could answer, some I had to research and some I just recently had answered on this site.
If you want someone to talk to and field questions through, who has been in the same situation that your new girlfriend is in, feel free to email me at division902@hotmail.com.
Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)
I met my husband, who has CF, when I was 16 and he was 19. He told me right off the bat about his CF and I said, oh-ok because I had no idea what he was talking about. Eventually as we started getting more comfortable in the relationship-out came millions of questions. Some he could answer, some I had to research and some I just recently had answered on this site.
If you want someone to talk to and field questions through, who has been in the same situation that your new girlfriend is in, feel free to email me at division902@hotmail.com.
Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)
In my opinion, you do NOT want to wait any longer. If you're looking to start any kind of serious relationship with her, she deserves to know right now. It's likely this illness <i>will</i> affect your life in a huge number of ways in the future, so give her a chance to mull over those risks, and decide if she likes you enough to accept them. You have nothing to lose--if she can't deal with them, it's far better to know now, than find out once you get really sick; and if she can, and really loves you, you won't need to be wracked by doubt once she's looked into your eyes and said she'll stand by you, no matter what. 
Once again kid, Do you want to take advice from a woman that doesn't have cf and married a guy she met when she was 16? I am a man who has CF and unlike those tragic love birds, I have done alot of dating on today's scene. So don't let these people make you feel sorry for yourself. For I truly believe that is there goal. I speak from expierience that is hard earned. If you really love or think you could love this girl, then your a sorry cat if you let CF stand in your way. CSE
Well, I do think a woman (or man for that matter if this situation were reversed) who has already been through what your girlfriend might have to "come to terms with" soon is a fairly reliable source if you are looking for serious and genuine advice and recommendations.
Also note, if you are looking for a long term committment, you might be better off listening to someone who is in a successful and long term relationship (in my case, 3 years of wonderful marriage) than some man who says "I have done alot of dating on today's scene" but doesn't give an indication of any successful relationships or marriage (if you are looking to reach that point someday). His lack of information only leaves me to fill in the blanks in this situation.
He is correct though in saying that if the CF matters to her, she isn't worth it anyways-you really don't want to spend your life with someone that shallow. But I can only imagine it's difficult to disclose something like that to someone for fear of rejection, shock on their part, or anything else that might occur. But you should talk to her about it.
Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF) and 5 years older than that when I met my husband at 16 and enjoying a very healthy and loving marriage.
Also note, if you are looking for a long term committment, you might be better off listening to someone who is in a successful and long term relationship (in my case, 3 years of wonderful marriage) than some man who says "I have done alot of dating on today's scene" but doesn't give an indication of any successful relationships or marriage (if you are looking to reach that point someday). His lack of information only leaves me to fill in the blanks in this situation.
He is correct though in saying that if the CF matters to her, she isn't worth it anyways-you really don't want to spend your life with someone that shallow. But I can only imagine it's difficult to disclose something like that to someone for fear of rejection, shock on their part, or anything else that might occur. But you should talk to her about it.
Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF) and 5 years older than that when I met my husband at 16 and enjoying a very healthy and loving marriage.
B
Biscuite
Guest
If she really likes you then once you tell her she will see nothing diffrenet about you she might be a little P.O for you not telling her soner but when you think the time is right you tell her but make sure its sometime sone cause you dont wont to lose her
Mockingbird
New member
I know how it is, being hard to tell people. I see a lot of advice, but nothing really helpful (sorry everyone, but none of that stuff would help me... of course, I'm not saying I'm gonna be that helpul, 'cause I rarely am. =-) Maybe it did, and that's great. i hope it went well.
If not, well, I don't really think there's a best way to tell anyone. Guaranteed, it's gonna change your relationship. =-) I don't mean it's gonna make her leave, it just, makes things different when people know. They tend to worry more about your health. Some people will even start to smother you. =-) of course, that just means they love you. =-) Or, some people get freaked out about it and don't know how to deal with it.
Of course it's gonna come up eventually, so it can't be avoided forever. of course, you knew that. =-) Granted the longer you wait, the harder it will be able to tell her, and the more upset she's gonna be, but I also understand how hard it is to tell her, anyway. For me, I always try to wait for the right moment (which I've come to believe the right moment doesn't exist 'cause I've never found one =-) It always ends up people find out because they inadvertantly see my many medication bottles at home, or they surprise me with a visit while I'm doing nebs, or i have to go into the hospital for a week, and they wonder why. Or, they find out from someone else. That really is a bad way for someone to find out, but it always opens the door. And of course people get upset with me, but they always get over it. =-)
Anyway, like I said I'm not that helpful. I just wanted to say there's really no right or wrong way. Sure, the best way is to just sit down and get it all out in the open, but I know hard that is. It's like your brain is telling your mouth what to say, but your mouth always convinces your brain that maybe tomorrow will be a better time. =-) It's never easy.. Well, for some people it is, but not for me. =-) I hope all goes well. Take care
Jarod
22 w/cf
If not, well, I don't really think there's a best way to tell anyone. Guaranteed, it's gonna change your relationship. =-) I don't mean it's gonna make her leave, it just, makes things different when people know. They tend to worry more about your health. Some people will even start to smother you. =-) of course, that just means they love you. =-) Or, some people get freaked out about it and don't know how to deal with it.
Of course it's gonna come up eventually, so it can't be avoided forever. of course, you knew that. =-) Granted the longer you wait, the harder it will be able to tell her, and the more upset she's gonna be, but I also understand how hard it is to tell her, anyway. For me, I always try to wait for the right moment (which I've come to believe the right moment doesn't exist 'cause I've never found one =-) It always ends up people find out because they inadvertantly see my many medication bottles at home, or they surprise me with a visit while I'm doing nebs, or i have to go into the hospital for a week, and they wonder why. Or, they find out from someone else. That really is a bad way for someone to find out, but it always opens the door. And of course people get upset with me, but they always get over it. =-)
Anyway, like I said I'm not that helpful. I just wanted to say there's really no right or wrong way. Sure, the best way is to just sit down and get it all out in the open, but I know hard that is. It's like your brain is telling your mouth what to say, but your mouth always convinces your brain that maybe tomorrow will be a better time. =-) It's never easy.. Well, for some people it is, but not for me. =-) I hope all goes well. Take care
Jarod
22 w/cf
Jarod, I am just curious, what kind of questions would you have if you were in his situation. I am just asking because I would like to help him out with this, coming from the recipient of the information-whether it be male or female.
So, a bit about my situation-I can't imagine how hurt I would have been if my husband waited long to tell me about his CF. I would have felt like he had no faith in the love that I had/have for him (even back then, I knew I loved him) and been very offended and frustrated that he felt he needed to wait to tell me. When he told me though, he didn't tell me in person. WE use to chat a lot on AIM because we lived about 1hour+ away from eachother, and we had been friends for a few months, gone out to lunch a few times every month, gone to movies and just hung out. Then we started flirting a lot, talking more...One night on AIM he told me that he really liked me and would like to date me. I told him that I had the same feelings for him. and we chatted fora while about that. Then he said, "before we go any further though, I have to let you know something and I hope it doesn't scare you" and I was like "what, do you have a kid, a baby...what?" and he said "I have Cystic Fibrosis, do you know what that is?" and I said "No, I have no idea what that is, but I don't really care if you have it. Although, I am curious so I am going to do some research and might have lots of questions for a while if that is ok" and he said "Questions are fine, I am just relieved that you will still be with me". I did some research, talked to my mom (who is an RN) about it and read some books I found in the library. Only then did I go back to him with questions like, "how many enzymes do you take", "what happens if you don't take them", " what is chest Physiotherapy, what do you have to do for it", "I understand it effects the lungs, digestive system and sometiems reproductive system, does it affect all that on you" and many other questions that came up as the days, weeks and months went on.
I guess though, you should consider not only how you feel about her, but how she feels about you. I was taking to my husband about this tonight and he reminded me that he knew I was head over heels for him before we were even "official" so that's why he told me. If you feel that the feelings you have for her are mutual I really think that you should tell her.
Also, I posted my email before in case you told her and she had questions, or you had questions before you told her, but I failed to mention that my husband also uses that email address so if you wanted to talk to him, his name is Mark. division902@hotmail.com
Best of luck with your decision,
Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)
So, a bit about my situation-I can't imagine how hurt I would have been if my husband waited long to tell me about his CF. I would have felt like he had no faith in the love that I had/have for him (even back then, I knew I loved him) and been very offended and frustrated that he felt he needed to wait to tell me. When he told me though, he didn't tell me in person. WE use to chat a lot on AIM because we lived about 1hour+ away from eachother, and we had been friends for a few months, gone out to lunch a few times every month, gone to movies and just hung out. Then we started flirting a lot, talking more...One night on AIM he told me that he really liked me and would like to date me. I told him that I had the same feelings for him. and we chatted fora while about that. Then he said, "before we go any further though, I have to let you know something and I hope it doesn't scare you" and I was like "what, do you have a kid, a baby...what?" and he said "I have Cystic Fibrosis, do you know what that is?" and I said "No, I have no idea what that is, but I don't really care if you have it. Although, I am curious so I am going to do some research and might have lots of questions for a while if that is ok" and he said "Questions are fine, I am just relieved that you will still be with me". I did some research, talked to my mom (who is an RN) about it and read some books I found in the library. Only then did I go back to him with questions like, "how many enzymes do you take", "what happens if you don't take them", " what is chest Physiotherapy, what do you have to do for it", "I understand it effects the lungs, digestive system and sometiems reproductive system, does it affect all that on you" and many other questions that came up as the days, weeks and months went on.
I guess though, you should consider not only how you feel about her, but how she feels about you. I was taking to my husband about this tonight and he reminded me that he knew I was head over heels for him before we were even "official" so that's why he told me. If you feel that the feelings you have for her are mutual I really think that you should tell her.
Also, I posted my email before in case you told her and she had questions, or you had questions before you told her, but I failed to mention that my husband also uses that email address so if you wanted to talk to him, his name is Mark. division902@hotmail.com
Best of luck with your decision,
Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)
purpleangel28282
New member
I would say just sit down some night and explain to her that you have something important to tell her; then tell her. You migh also explain that you didn't tell her sooner because it's hard to tell someone that you care for that you have this disease; also any other things you might be feeling...such as being scared she might not want to be with you because of the disease. I hope it all works out, as a last note I agree with what the posters are saying, you should tell her soon.
Yeah, I told my girl--on AIM, as it happens, since she was 3000 miles away at the time--as soon as I realized what I felt for her was more than a grade-school crush. I had an easy catalyst for that decision; got hospitalized, and didn't want to make up a white lie about where I'd be going, like I'd done to explain my absence when others asked. I've never been gladder about trusting someone in my life.
Good luck.
Good luck.
I realize I don't have much place to speak but I thought that you could benefit from a perspective of a person without CF. I just wanted you to know that you should tell her and don't be afriad because you may be pleasantly surpirsed. I have met the most wonderful, amazing man in the world who happens to have CF. He told me at the very, very beginning of our friendship and sadly I had never heard of it before so I really didn't know what to say to him about it. I went home and did as much research as possible and was shocked to find out the details of CF. The thing is though instead of turning away from him because of the harsh realities of the disease it made me love him that much more. In my eyes, this disease has made him the sweet, deep, mature, sensitive and loving person that he is. Do I like the fact that he has CF? No. But I like who is has become through this trial in his life. I love him and it just doesn't matter. One other thing I caution, please, please, please don't make any decisions for her. What I mean when I say this is don't just assume she won't love you, or assume that she'll not want to be with you and pursue the relationship when she finds out so then you don't give her the oppurtunity. Tell her the truth and then let her decide. This man that I love I fear is trying to make choices for me that just aren't his to make. We are good friends but I know that he is scared to go further assuming that I may not want to share in the life he lives. Well, that just isn't his choice because it's mine and I choose him no matter what, CF and all! I can only imagine how hard it is but just remember we all have insecurities, that's what makes us human, and give her the choice. Who knows, maybe she has some big insecurity that she is hiding too? I am glad that he told me at the beginning because I am still digesting it all so tell her sooner than later just so that she can digest it. You are who you are because of this trial, if she loves you for you she will recognize that. Be grateful for who you are and who you have become through this trial- if its not her there will be someone who will see that and support you 100%! Have faith, it will all work out!
I have to completely agree with how this last anonymous poster feels. You might be surprised at her reaction-and in a wonderful way, and if she is somebody who will really love you for who you are, it will just bring you two closer.
Best of luck whatever you choose to do!
Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)
Best of luck whatever you choose to do!
Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)
hello,
i think you will know when the time is right you will just have a feeling, you prob. want another answer right <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> ok well ummm when you say it dont sound really desperate enough to make her feel that she is wanted but dont save it for like 3 months then she will get mad and say "why didnt you TELL ME" you dont want that<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> just say what you told us and that you really like her and you ummm well? and say you are afraid of loosing her and you dont want what you have to stop your relationship and say that you are not trying to scare her if she looks scared and then say i told you because i wont to be with you and i wanted to tell the truth. and say that your not trying to presser her in any whey . but say this the whey you feel is right if you want to talk to me more my IM is "funnygirl995" or if you have Yahoo than it is "pink_pop rocks995". ttyl buhbi <a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="mailto:nobody@nowhere.com">Text</a><a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="mailto:Tashina@ptd.net">to you </a>
i think you will know when the time is right you will just have a feeling, you prob. want another answer right <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> ok well ummm when you say it dont sound really desperate enough to make her feel that she is wanted but dont save it for like 3 months then she will get mad and say "why didnt you TELL ME" you dont want that<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> just say what you told us and that you really like her and you ummm well? and say you are afraid of loosing her and you dont want what you have to stop your relationship and say that you are not trying to scare her if she looks scared and then say i told you because i wont to be with you and i wanted to tell the truth. and say that your not trying to presser her in any whey . but say this the whey you feel is right if you want to talk to me more my IM is "funnygirl995" or if you have Yahoo than it is "pink_pop rocks995". ttyl buhbi <a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="mailto:nobody@nowhere.com">Text</a><a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="mailto:Tashina@ptd.net">to you </a>
i truly understand where you are coming from because everytime i get in a new realtionship im confronted with the issue of when to tell the guy im with that i have cystic fibrosis, im 18 and have had CF my whole life, but my conditon is a little worse off then yours. in my opinion i would tell this girl as soon as possible insteaad of waiting because its a serious part of your life and she needs to know. but i think the best way to tell her is to make sure its just the 2 of u and no one else is around so the 2 of u can have time alone and not be interruppted. just explian to her what exectly cf is and let her talk too and ask any questions that she might have. if this girl really cares about u they way she should then her view of you will not change and hopefully she will want to help take care of you and see that you are staying healthy. i hope that i have helped you out and good luck with this girl!!!! -Vanessa