So I get home last night after my shift, sit down to do my vest and notice real big ants walking upwards on the wall behind my computer desk. There were about 5 ants on the wall that I saw immediately, and then I noticed atleast 10 on the desk, and then atleast 20 under the desk. It was a full scale invasion of carpenter ants. We had them in the past, but only the occasional few scavengers. Orkin, and an independent exterminator came out at separate times and they went away for a while. But now they were back, and they had a whole legion of them. My fiance was asleep, and if I ignored this level of invasion and went to sleep, we both would have found ourselves underground, being some form of food source for their home city.
I ran to the kitchen and garage drastically looking for something to kill them with. After searching the kitchen and garage in vain, I found a two canister value pack of Raid's highest end "ant and roach killer". I released this questionable weapon from it's innocent cellophane sheath, and bravely ran back into the bedroom. There were now more there, and one larger one seated in my PC chair, browsing my PC's HD and looking at ant porn (embellishment for effect!). I remembered the crescendo of the movie Footloose, and how an evil unconfronted, will continue to fester (and look at your PC's ant porn), and I was not willing to stop dancing!!
I sprayed the entire wall, saturated under the desk, and even impregnated their apparent entry wound into my humble abode, my still naked wall outlet that I never covered as I should. This all took place with my head tilted masculinely upward at the ceiling (to show my neck veins, cause neck veins = you are buff and pissed off), while gutturally screaming like Stallone in every Rambo movie while firing off endless rounds of death into the air from his stolen bloody AK-47.
After the poison, propellant, death scream, and my blood lust ceased, I saw bodies as far as the eye could see (well ant eyes anyways, they are small ya know?). A few of them even gave me added pleasure with a cartoon like final moment of life leg quiver, before going lifeless. The brood mother felt her many childrens lives come to an end. I waited at the breach (my naked wall outlet)...All was quiet. Could this be a rouse? Did they find my fiance's connton balls in another room and made countless cotton ant slippers, and whole batallians were about to burst forth from the my naked birth canal of all things electronic and light bearing? I was not about to face such an end. I had to flank them, and bring the fight to my enemy.
I thought about grabbing my rusty Rambo knife that I had in fifth grade, and cutting my chest in an X pattern like Arnie did in Predator, but i'd probably get MRSA, so no way. Instead I did the next best masculine thing, and adorned my loins with proper battle regalia...Fruit of the loom sport boxers. I grabbed my still half full destroyer of ant life, and ran outside into the cover of night, pausing only briefly at the door of my lair to grab my 16 inch red mag light. I had just finished reading "Logic for dummies", and "The Ancient Art Of War" by Sun Tzu.
The knowledge bestowed upon me by these tomes gave me great tactical forethought...And I moved like a cat of the night, from shadow to shadow, directly behind the wall where my genocide had started. Upon removing the invaders shroud of darkness with my photon sword (mag lite), I saw what I was up against. The entire stucco brick wall, the soffit siding, roof edge, and the lower curtilage of my deep fern garden. I was vastly outnumbered, tired, holding a large pinkish can of Raid, my photon sword, and standing in my backyard at 3am in my sport boxers.
While contemplating what to do next, a local indigenous dweller came forth and started to parlay with me (My neighbor came out for a smoke, and asked me what the F*ck I was doing). I assured the native that I meant no harm, and was only avenging the befouling of the honor of my naked wall outlet. The native saw I had no intention to enter his hut with my photon sword, and returned to his hovel (Looked at me as if I was insane, stared at me blankly with no response, then cut his cig short and went inside).
I started my assault by creating a line of impenetrable toxins behind their front line (3 feet off the ground across the wall), and joining this force field of doom along the vertical sides of my castle, essentially encircling them, like the great African war chief, Shaka Zulu, and his fabled two prong Horn attack pattern. They were fully unaware of their deaths, approaching rapidly. Realizing I was not able to reach the vertices's or apex of this battlefield without my mount, I grabbed the next best thing at 4am...My home improvement step up limited edition alluminum ladder. I flanked them with a steady stream of death particulate, continuing until I not only fully encircled them from all directions, I also created a defensive line that none of their kind would be able to pass in the future (KEEPS KILLING FOR UP TO 4 WEEKS!!). I had just enough of my WMD to directly spray them as well. I noticed they were fleeing from my toxic cloud, and briefly questioned my desire to kill all of them. We both paused. Them in their panic to flee their demise, and me in a Raid induced second hand exposure hesitation. Their many fear ridden compound eyes met my eyes, we both pondered our next action. Out of the deepest recesses of my hippocampus came a moment from the movie The Life of Brian "All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. .... ". After digesting this meaningless thought, and realizing my naked electrical outlet was no longer vestally pure, I realized I had no whistle to blow, and her honor, and my vengeful blood lust was not yet sated.
I cleansed the last of the vermin. Exoskeletons lay upon the soil. No maidens in waiting shall sing the praise of these fallen invaders. I discovered a second, more undisciplined enclave to the southern wall, and cleansed them as well. This fight lasted well into the night. In my call for blood, I failed to see I was stolid enough to not see I was standing on a ladder, looking up, and spraying my deadly mist upwards, exposing my entire torso and respiration to a fairly strong mixture of carcinogens. My skin started to blaze, and itch. At what sacrifice had my vengeance cost? Would I no longer die of CF consumption, instead, cancer consumption?
So I showered, itched, coughed up a ton of goo that i'm sure was ridden with two nasty cancer causing insecticides (exposure to which by humans says to wash and contact a poison control center btw). And went to bed. Tonight coming home, I checked the walls again, and not a single ant. I also called terminix to come out and do a proper extermination for 360 bucks for a year. I feel fine today. Though it makes me wonder, I have a joke shirt that I wear often that says "I BEAT CANCER....BY CANCER I MEAN CHILDREN". So maybe God would levee an interesting irony death upon me in that way.
That all out of the way, here is a picture of me at universal studios as The Terminator (yeah it's really me). I got home tonight and she had written a note "For my terminator" with a heart, and put it on this pictures frame, and there were two new cans of ant death sitting beside it. It's little things/experiences like this, even though highly odd, dangerous (to us anyways), and laugh out loud funny while you are doing them, that make life worth living.
(now lets try to post the pic of me being the terminator at universal studios. Ill try attachment also)
<img src="http://img372.imageshack.us/img372/5287/terminatorjb4.jpg">
Shot with HP psc1310 at 2007-07-24
I ran to the kitchen and garage drastically looking for something to kill them with. After searching the kitchen and garage in vain, I found a two canister value pack of Raid's highest end "ant and roach killer". I released this questionable weapon from it's innocent cellophane sheath, and bravely ran back into the bedroom. There were now more there, and one larger one seated in my PC chair, browsing my PC's HD and looking at ant porn (embellishment for effect!). I remembered the crescendo of the movie Footloose, and how an evil unconfronted, will continue to fester (and look at your PC's ant porn), and I was not willing to stop dancing!!
I sprayed the entire wall, saturated under the desk, and even impregnated their apparent entry wound into my humble abode, my still naked wall outlet that I never covered as I should. This all took place with my head tilted masculinely upward at the ceiling (to show my neck veins, cause neck veins = you are buff and pissed off), while gutturally screaming like Stallone in every Rambo movie while firing off endless rounds of death into the air from his stolen bloody AK-47.
After the poison, propellant, death scream, and my blood lust ceased, I saw bodies as far as the eye could see (well ant eyes anyways, they are small ya know?). A few of them even gave me added pleasure with a cartoon like final moment of life leg quiver, before going lifeless. The brood mother felt her many childrens lives come to an end. I waited at the breach (my naked wall outlet)...All was quiet. Could this be a rouse? Did they find my fiance's connton balls in another room and made countless cotton ant slippers, and whole batallians were about to burst forth from the my naked birth canal of all things electronic and light bearing? I was not about to face such an end. I had to flank them, and bring the fight to my enemy.
I thought about grabbing my rusty Rambo knife that I had in fifth grade, and cutting my chest in an X pattern like Arnie did in Predator, but i'd probably get MRSA, so no way. Instead I did the next best masculine thing, and adorned my loins with proper battle regalia...Fruit of the loom sport boxers. I grabbed my still half full destroyer of ant life, and ran outside into the cover of night, pausing only briefly at the door of my lair to grab my 16 inch red mag light. I had just finished reading "Logic for dummies", and "The Ancient Art Of War" by Sun Tzu.
The knowledge bestowed upon me by these tomes gave me great tactical forethought...And I moved like a cat of the night, from shadow to shadow, directly behind the wall where my genocide had started. Upon removing the invaders shroud of darkness with my photon sword (mag lite), I saw what I was up against. The entire stucco brick wall, the soffit siding, roof edge, and the lower curtilage of my deep fern garden. I was vastly outnumbered, tired, holding a large pinkish can of Raid, my photon sword, and standing in my backyard at 3am in my sport boxers.
While contemplating what to do next, a local indigenous dweller came forth and started to parlay with me (My neighbor came out for a smoke, and asked me what the F*ck I was doing). I assured the native that I meant no harm, and was only avenging the befouling of the honor of my naked wall outlet. The native saw I had no intention to enter his hut with my photon sword, and returned to his hovel (Looked at me as if I was insane, stared at me blankly with no response, then cut his cig short and went inside).
I started my assault by creating a line of impenetrable toxins behind their front line (3 feet off the ground across the wall), and joining this force field of doom along the vertical sides of my castle, essentially encircling them, like the great African war chief, Shaka Zulu, and his fabled two prong Horn attack pattern. They were fully unaware of their deaths, approaching rapidly. Realizing I was not able to reach the vertices's or apex of this battlefield without my mount, I grabbed the next best thing at 4am...My home improvement step up limited edition alluminum ladder. I flanked them with a steady stream of death particulate, continuing until I not only fully encircled them from all directions, I also created a defensive line that none of their kind would be able to pass in the future (KEEPS KILLING FOR UP TO 4 WEEKS!!). I had just enough of my WMD to directly spray them as well. I noticed they were fleeing from my toxic cloud, and briefly questioned my desire to kill all of them. We both paused. Them in their panic to flee their demise, and me in a Raid induced second hand exposure hesitation. Their many fear ridden compound eyes met my eyes, we both pondered our next action. Out of the deepest recesses of my hippocampus came a moment from the movie The Life of Brian "All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. .... ". After digesting this meaningless thought, and realizing my naked electrical outlet was no longer vestally pure, I realized I had no whistle to blow, and her honor, and my vengeful blood lust was not yet sated.
I cleansed the last of the vermin. Exoskeletons lay upon the soil. No maidens in waiting shall sing the praise of these fallen invaders. I discovered a second, more undisciplined enclave to the southern wall, and cleansed them as well. This fight lasted well into the night. In my call for blood, I failed to see I was stolid enough to not see I was standing on a ladder, looking up, and spraying my deadly mist upwards, exposing my entire torso and respiration to a fairly strong mixture of carcinogens. My skin started to blaze, and itch. At what sacrifice had my vengeance cost? Would I no longer die of CF consumption, instead, cancer consumption?
So I showered, itched, coughed up a ton of goo that i'm sure was ridden with two nasty cancer causing insecticides (exposure to which by humans says to wash and contact a poison control center btw). And went to bed. Tonight coming home, I checked the walls again, and not a single ant. I also called terminix to come out and do a proper extermination for 360 bucks for a year. I feel fine today. Though it makes me wonder, I have a joke shirt that I wear often that says "I BEAT CANCER....BY CANCER I MEAN CHILDREN". So maybe God would levee an interesting irony death upon me in that way.
That all out of the way, here is a picture of me at universal studios as The Terminator (yeah it's really me). I got home tonight and she had written a note "For my terminator" with a heart, and put it on this pictures frame, and there were two new cans of ant death sitting beside it. It's little things/experiences like this, even though highly odd, dangerous (to us anyways), and laugh out loud funny while you are doing them, that make life worth living.
(now lets try to post the pic of me being the terminator at universal studios. Ill try attachment also)
<img src="http://img372.imageshack.us/img372/5287/terminatorjb4.jpg">
Shot with HP psc1310 at 2007-07-24