My first reaction to you was I felt bad for you.. but if you are like me at all that is the last thing that we need or want.. I totally understand how you feel and in fact was thinking the same way last night. My PFTS are quite high but I have a ton of other medical conditions which make me feel like crap.
I can relate so much to what you were saying about standing outside and the energy it takes to just do things that everyone else is so able to do so easily. At work last night two girls my age are now pregnant and one is engaged. I was and always am surrounded by ppl living and finding their dreams, while my dream is to please let my ankel swelling go down so no one notices or please let me be able to take care of this patient without them noticing I am breathing heavy.. and for once can I laugh without it turning into a coughing spell for petes sake.
Quite different hopes and dreams than most ppl my age....and if I kept looking and comparing myself I would for sure end up crying and depressed. Sometimes we can't help but compare ourselves to other ppl. We are human after all.. But for me, what I do is start thinking of all the things that I do have. I have a lot of ppl who love me, yes I have lost a few friends that don't want to be slowed down, but then again were they really friends?? I think not. I try to focus on what I do have, l have so many ppl who love me and care about me. I think of the things that I am able to do such as love ppl back, and care for others and I try to do it to the best of my ability.
Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to minimize the fact that it sucks so bad not to be able to keep up with others our age, heck sometimes 90 year olds with walkers look in better shape then me. and I do understand as I am looking at graduating nursing school next year and not being able to work full time.. which makes it very unlikely for me to be able to get a job, considering new nurses around here are only hired full time.. and part of me wants to quit and give up and really be depressed that life is so unfair.
I guess we have a choice of two roads to take one is going down the road that leads to emotional suicide, where we are constantly berating ourselves for out limitations and living in fear of the things we are going to lose; or we can choose to look at the things we do have that our good in our life..
If you have true friends they are not going to leave you no matter what happends to you. If they do leave you then I say let them go they were not true friends to begin with.even though it still hurts.. I do hope that you feel better emotionally and that you can find some good things that you do have and focus on them...
Keep posting your feelings sometimes just talking about them helps so much and since you are a member here you can see how wonderful and caring the ppl are here...I am amazed at the depth that ppl will go to to help each other here.. It is so wonderful.
Jennifer
