I don't know how to feel, he died Tuesday. I watched his heart stop beating in ICU and the doctor looking for a heart beat and taking the ventilator out. I haven't had a good nights sleep since and I feel nothing but regret and depression. How do I cope with this? I can't find anything but alcohol to relieve the pain
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I lost my 20 year old best friend to CF
- Thread starter anonymous
- Start date
No one can tell you how to feel. Most likely it's a mix of emotions. And no two people grieve the same. I went through them all.
Alcohol is not the answer. If nothing else, get help. For me, talking about it helps, for you, maybe walking, or going out with friends, or music, or anything, anything that is not harmful and helps you is good.
If you DO want to talk, you can contact me through my profile.
Alcohol is not the answer. If nothing else, get help. For me, talking about it helps, for you, maybe walking, or going out with friends, or music, or anything, anything that is not harmful and helps you is good.
If you DO want to talk, you can contact me through my profile.
I spent a lot of time with him in the hospitial, I just thought he would pull through. Somehow he suffered brain damage and his pulse ox dropped and blood pressure wasn't steady. I sat their holding his hand and watched his heart stop, his services were Saturday and I was a pawlbarrior (spelling?) and this isn't how life is supposed to be. You don't burry your best friend when your 20, no matter what. I talked with him all the time and never dreamed it would come to this. The thing that bothers me most is he came out of his coma and could communicate, he could respond by nodding and give facial expressions. He didn't remember his brother or grandparents but he REMEMBERED ME! He tried to speak but I couldn't understand him because of the ventilator, he got really worked up and the nurse had to sedate him. If only I knew what he was saying to me...what kind of god could do this? He never hurt anyone
I thought my best friend was out of the woods, he was on the list for a lung transplant and said he would live a normal life. He never made it long enough to get moved up on the list, I just can't accept the funeral all those people showing up to pay their respects. I'll stop posting I guess I'm not trying to be a drama queen this is just haunting me.
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>what kind of god could do this? He never hurt anyone<hr></blockquote>
The best kind. He is now Breathing free in Heaven. I only hope I have a friend as great as you to be with me when I go. You are in my prayers. If you took offense to my comment, I am sorry.
The best kind. He is now Breathing free in Heaven. I only hope I have a friend as great as you to be with me when I go. You are in my prayers. If you took offense to my comment, I am sorry.
A
AllansGirl
Guest
Hey hon, I just recently went through this too... my fiance died in November at the age of 20. Contact me, or contact Allie if you talking about it would help, or to just chat about anything or everything.
It feels so, very, very wrong to watch someone you love suffer and die at such a young age. It's so unfair, and about the most helpless feeling in the world. And for you, it's just been a few days. Please try to remember, though, that you did not die with your friend, even though there may be moments when you feel like you should have. Your friend would want you to keep on living.
Alcohol is definitely not the answer. It's delaying the inevitable--you will have to face the hurt of losing your close friend. For me, what I found most helpful was sharing fond memories of him with others. I know that is too painful for some people who are grieving, though. Maybe you won't want to talk about your friend at all. But, maybe reminiscing on some of the fun times you shared with your best friend will help--if not now, perhaps in the near future. (A lot of people seem uncomfortable when mention Allan, though. If you experience that, you are welcome to share stories here.)
My family encouraged me to go back to work less than a week after Allan died. I hated it. Work was the last place I wanted to be (well, isn't that pretty much always the case? Heh.) What I really wanted to do was curl up in a fetal position and hide for an unspecified period of time. But, I told myself that if Allan were around, he'd kick my butt for it. He was adamant that I not let his death kill me. So, I forced myself to go to work and go through the motions of living, until I started to feel like I was living again. I'm not convinced this was the best course of action, but I think overall it was good for me. Anyway, that's how I've been dealing with his death so far. Distraction can be a good thing.
It'd be very easy to slip into the inescapable black hole of depression right now. Please, if you think you'll need help getting through this, seek it. Continue posting here, too. The people at this website are incredibly kind and sympathetic.
E-mail me if you want to talk at jessica.fadness@gmail.com, or you can find me on various IM programs. MSN: jfadness@hotmail.com, Yahoo: tandoori_magpie, or AIM: OneforSorrow84
Hugs,
Jessica
It feels so, very, very wrong to watch someone you love suffer and die at such a young age. It's so unfair, and about the most helpless feeling in the world. And for you, it's just been a few days. Please try to remember, though, that you did not die with your friend, even though there may be moments when you feel like you should have. Your friend would want you to keep on living.
Alcohol is definitely not the answer. It's delaying the inevitable--you will have to face the hurt of losing your close friend. For me, what I found most helpful was sharing fond memories of him with others. I know that is too painful for some people who are grieving, though. Maybe you won't want to talk about your friend at all. But, maybe reminiscing on some of the fun times you shared with your best friend will help--if not now, perhaps in the near future. (A lot of people seem uncomfortable when mention Allan, though. If you experience that, you are welcome to share stories here.)
My family encouraged me to go back to work less than a week after Allan died. I hated it. Work was the last place I wanted to be (well, isn't that pretty much always the case? Heh.) What I really wanted to do was curl up in a fetal position and hide for an unspecified period of time. But, I told myself that if Allan were around, he'd kick my butt for it. He was adamant that I not let his death kill me. So, I forced myself to go to work and go through the motions of living, until I started to feel like I was living again. I'm not convinced this was the best course of action, but I think overall it was good for me. Anyway, that's how I've been dealing with his death so far. Distraction can be a good thing.
It'd be very easy to slip into the inescapable black hole of depression right now. Please, if you think you'll need help getting through this, seek it. Continue posting here, too. The people at this website are incredibly kind and sympathetic.
E-mail me if you want to talk at jessica.fadness@gmail.com, or you can find me on various IM programs. MSN: jfadness@hotmail.com, Yahoo: tandoori_magpie, or AIM: OneforSorrow84
Hugs,
Jessica
ONe thing I thought of, and this may or may not help you, we're all different. Let yourself cry. I don't mean sniffle. I mean walls of Jerico crumbling hysterical hyperventilating out of tears crying. Once I did that, and I really let out all my rage at the world, I was able to put one foot in front of the other and see the sun.
Eventually, I had to seek help for depression, don't be ashamed or afriad if you have to do that. Yoou've been through something that no one shoudl ever have to experience in their lives.
I'm a horrible example, really, I remember so very little of the first month after Ry's month, I was so numb I blocked huge chunks of it out. Please don't let it get out of hand like I did. It takes longer to reclaim your life that way. I got the point where I realized I no longer cared if I had dinner for Ahava or not, and that's when I knew I had to go get help.
Don't mask your pain, let it be, and then let it go...it took me far too long to learn that. And it will never truly go away, just get less raw with time. If you think helping with Cf related charity would help, than do. I answer a lot of questions about living wills and end of life care for people, and knowing that I help people in that way helps me. I've also talked to people who have lost kids and spouses, same principle. Whatever your way of honoring his memory is, do that.
I hope you find peace with this....it's terribly unfair.
Eventually, I had to seek help for depression, don't be ashamed or afriad if you have to do that. Yoou've been through something that no one shoudl ever have to experience in their lives.
I'm a horrible example, really, I remember so very little of the first month after Ry's month, I was so numb I blocked huge chunks of it out. Please don't let it get out of hand like I did. It takes longer to reclaim your life that way. I got the point where I realized I no longer cared if I had dinner for Ahava or not, and that's when I knew I had to go get help.
Don't mask your pain, let it be, and then let it go...it took me far too long to learn that. And it will never truly go away, just get less raw with time. If you think helping with Cf related charity would help, than do. I answer a lot of questions about living wills and end of life care for people, and knowing that I help people in that way helps me. I've also talked to people who have lost kids and spouses, same principle. Whatever your way of honoring his memory is, do that.
I hope you find peace with this....it's terribly unfair.
I hate that you are having to go through this, but just so you know you do not have to know how to feel. I have had several friends pass of this disease, I have never actually witnessed it but it was hard none the less. I have also had several friends die of non-CF related things (car accidents and such) either way it is hard. I have felt everything. I had my best friend die about 10 years ago (even though I was very young at the time it still affects me) at first I was in disbelief, then I was angry, then I cried -- like Allie said uncontrollable crying, I was sad, lonely, I hated everything I thought God was punishing ME and took them away to teach me a lesson. I still cry sometimes, because I feel guilty for being here when I had an illness that was supposed to end my life when I was so young and my best friend at the time died instead and she did not have CF. I know it was not my time I still have things I am supposed to do and my friends have/had done everything they were sent here to do, but I still get that feeling on bad days. When friends with CF have passed I cry for them, but I also thank God. I know that sounds horrible, but coming from someone with CF I know it can sometimes be exhausting to fight this disease and the problems it brings. I know that my friends were in pain and now they are with God and everything that seemed so difficult here is nothing to them now that they have passed.
There are so many ways to feel, no one way is right or wrong it is just how you feel. Please do not let it keep you down. Once again like Allie said, it will never fully go away, but it will get easier to handle over time. Also even if you did not understand what your friend was trying to say to you, don't let that drive you crazy. Speaking from experience, take it for what it was worth. I had a father figure pass and before he did he grabbed me and said that he wanted me to build wings on my car(which he gave me for my 16th bday) and fly to heaven, and then he tried saying something else and just lapsed back to unconsiousness. I wanted to know what he was going to say so badly for a while, but I figured when I finally get the wings built on my car and can fly to heaven I will find out <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">.
Your friend will never fully die. He may not be here physically, but he is in your thoughts and in your heart. You still have memories that hopefully will make you smile if not now again someday. I still go to my best friends gravesite on special days and when I am upset or if I have something big happen. It is my way of hanging out with her. It has been 12 1/2 years and I still do this. I also write letters. If there is anything you feel was left unsaid by you before your friend passed write it down and read it to him or just say it out loud. If you don't believe in an afterlife that may make no sense to you, but I have done it when several of my friends had passed. I put everything I had ever wanted to say but been scared to say or ever wanted to do with them, inside jokes, stories and memories. Anything that stood out to me as something that I loved or would miss now that it wasn't in my life anymore. It helped me to feel that I was still connected to them even though they weren't here anymore.
I am sorry to ramble, I do hope something that I said is helpful to you. Please feel free to email me if you would like if you just need someone to talk too or anything - xiao07@hotmail.com.
Lindsey
23 w/CF and CFRD
There are so many ways to feel, no one way is right or wrong it is just how you feel. Please do not let it keep you down. Once again like Allie said, it will never fully go away, but it will get easier to handle over time. Also even if you did not understand what your friend was trying to say to you, don't let that drive you crazy. Speaking from experience, take it for what it was worth. I had a father figure pass and before he did he grabbed me and said that he wanted me to build wings on my car(which he gave me for my 16th bday) and fly to heaven, and then he tried saying something else and just lapsed back to unconsiousness. I wanted to know what he was going to say so badly for a while, but I figured when I finally get the wings built on my car and can fly to heaven I will find out <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">.
Your friend will never fully die. He may not be here physically, but he is in your thoughts and in your heart. You still have memories that hopefully will make you smile if not now again someday. I still go to my best friends gravesite on special days and when I am upset or if I have something big happen. It is my way of hanging out with her. It has been 12 1/2 years and I still do this. I also write letters. If there is anything you feel was left unsaid by you before your friend passed write it down and read it to him or just say it out loud. If you don't believe in an afterlife that may make no sense to you, but I have done it when several of my friends had passed. I put everything I had ever wanted to say but been scared to say or ever wanted to do with them, inside jokes, stories and memories. Anything that stood out to me as something that I loved or would miss now that it wasn't in my life anymore. It helped me to feel that I was still connected to them even though they weren't here anymore.
I am sorry to ramble, I do hope something that I said is helpful to you. Please feel free to email me if you would like if you just need someone to talk too or anything - xiao07@hotmail.com.
Lindsey
23 w/CF and CFRD
i have cf and i have lost lots of friends from it but you got to look at it in a positive way they may be gone but what you go through here is alot worse then where they are now. I am on the list for a lung transplant and i am scared to death of death. but you always got the friends that you need and they will always be in your heart so think of all of us that are still fighting and smile for us and him. it will get better i promise you that!
Stephanie Bratton
23/kokomo
Stephanie Bratton
23/kokomo
Hey Anonymous,
I'm really sorry to hear your pain. I have CF, and I've lost some to this disease too. I'm a Bible study teacher, and help people with death/grief. If you want to talk, I'm here. I don't know what you believe, but pray for understanding. You are in my prayers. You can reach me at kerrys81@hotmail.com.
"Keep on asking and it will be given you, keep on seeking, and you will find"-Matthew 7:7
I'm really sorry to hear your pain. I have CF, and I've lost some to this disease too. I'm a Bible study teacher, and help people with death/grief. If you want to talk, I'm here. I don't know what you believe, but pray for understanding. You are in my prayers. You can reach me at kerrys81@hotmail.com.
"Keep on asking and it will be given you, keep on seeking, and you will find"-Matthew 7:7