Marital problems due to stress

[mltoliver]

My daughter has been diagnosed for 1 year and 3 months. This past year has been very rough on my marriage. My husband is having a very difficult time coping with the diagnosis and expressing his feelings about what is going on. Instead of saying he is sad or worried or scared he doesn't say anything and is increasingly irritable.

He is hyper-vigilant about germs - he can't stand for her to go to the park, or touch much of anything. I understand the concern as well, but also want to ensure that she isn't scared of the world around her.

We are just a world apart anymore and I don't know how long I can go on like this. I have asked him to go to therapy, which he has refused.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions?

 

[mltoliver]

My daughter has been diagnosed for 1 year and 3 months. This past year has been very rough on my marriage. My husband is having a very difficult time coping with the diagnosis and expressing his feelings about what is going on. Instead of saying he is sad or worried or scared he doesn't say anything and is increasingly irritable.

He is hyper-vigilant about germs - he can't stand for her to go to the park, or touch much of anything. I understand the concern as well, but also want to ensure that she isn't scared of the world around her.

We are just a world apart anymore and I don't know how long I can go on like this. I have asked him to go to therapy, which he has refused.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions?

 

[mltoliver]

My daughter has been diagnosed for 1 year and 3 months. This past year has been very rough on my marriage. My husband is having a very difficult time coping with the diagnosis and expressing his feelings about what is going on. Instead of saying he is sad or worried or scared he doesn't say anything and is increasingly irritable.

He is hyper-vigilant about germs - he can't stand for her to go to the park, or touch much of anything. I understand the concern as well, but also want to ensure that she isn't scared of the world around her.

We are just a world apart anymore and I don't know how long I can go on like this. I have asked him to go to therapy, which he has refused.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions?

 

[my65roses4me]

I do not have a child with cf so I cant give any advice as far as that goes.
But I have cf and have been married for almost nine years. We have had our ups and downs because of this disease. Marriages are hard work and then you add a disease and it complicates it a little more. We have never seperated though. We have toughed it out and worked on it together by not blaming each other and being open and honest.
I am not sure how your marriage was before your daughter was born but if it wasn't strong before she was born then it can surely make a wall between you two. If it was strong before just try to remember that your daughter being diagnosed with a disease might make your hubby feel less of a man. When he is able to work through this within himself then things might get better. From what I read on oyur post it sounded like you asked him to go to counseling alone. Maybe I misunderstood you. But if thats what you meant he might feel even more alone and not supported. Maybe make the suggestion that both of you can go together. These are just my ideas and my opinions. Take what you like and leave the rest.

But yes this disease can divide two people that love each other, it demands alot more love and patience than most marriages. I wish you the best and I hope it all works out. But if it doesn't just know we are here for you!!!

 

[my65roses4me]

I do not have a child with cf so I cant give any advice as far as that goes.
But I have cf and have been married for almost nine years. We have had our ups and downs because of this disease. Marriages are hard work and then you add a disease and it complicates it a little more. We have never seperated though. We have toughed it out and worked on it together by not blaming each other and being open and honest.
I am not sure how your marriage was before your daughter was born but if it wasn't strong before she was born then it can surely make a wall between you two. If it was strong before just try to remember that your daughter being diagnosed with a disease might make your hubby feel less of a man. When he is able to work through this within himself then things might get better. From what I read on oyur post it sounded like you asked him to go to counseling alone. Maybe I misunderstood you. But if thats what you meant he might feel even more alone and not supported. Maybe make the suggestion that both of you can go together. These are just my ideas and my opinions. Take what you like and leave the rest.

But yes this disease can divide two people that love each other, it demands alot more love and patience than most marriages. I wish you the best and I hope it all works out. But if it doesn't just know we are here for you!!!

 

[my65roses4me]

I do not have a child with cf so I cant give any advice as far as that goes.
But I have cf and have been married for almost nine years. We have had our ups and downs because of this disease. Marriages are hard work and then you add a disease and it complicates it a little more. We have never seperated though. We have toughed it out and worked on it together by not blaming each other and being open and honest.
I am not sure how your marriage was before your daughter was born but if it wasn't strong before she was born then it can surely make a wall between you two. If it was strong before just try to remember that your daughter being diagnosed with a disease might make your hubby feel less of a man. When he is able to work through this within himself then things might get better. From what I read on oyur post it sounded like you asked him to go to counseling alone. Maybe I misunderstood you. But if thats what you meant he might feel even more alone and not supported. Maybe make the suggestion that both of you can go together. These are just my ideas and my opinions. Take what you like and leave the rest.

But yes this disease can divide two people that love each other, it demands alot more love and patience than most marriages. I wish you the best and I hope it all works out. But if it doesn't just know we are here for you!!!

 

[LisaV]

I am not a parent. I am a widow and an outlaw aunt. from obseration of the family and friends over the years, I think what you are experiencing is very common. In general, men and women grieve differently - and you are both grieving. Women tend to need to express their feelings during the grief process while men typically "take action" against whateer caused the grief or throw themselves into their work. I have seen this with couples who have lost children and with couples who have a kid with CF. I saw it with my husband and myself as he experienced losses caused by his illnesss.

I think you have to respect and honor the difference. There is no one right way to procfeed after diagnosis. When one spouse insists that the other deal with grief or fear exactly as they do there is almost always bad conflict - conflict that I've seen end in divorcfe many times. (I can't tell you how many couples that I know have divorced after loosing a child.)

I guess my suggestion would be for you to see a counselor together if your husband is willing and if not to see one by yourself. It's possible that after you talk to a counselor for some time you might see ways that you can change your behavior so that he doesn't drive you so crazy (and it would give you a safe place to really express your feelings), or maybe the counselor can help you frame the idea of couples counseling (as a way to form a firm partnership to fight the illness) so that yur husband will go with you - and later (when your child is old enough) so that you can expand couples counseling into family counseling.

Keeping you in my heart

 

[LisaV]

I am not a parent. I am a widow and an outlaw aunt. from obseration of the family and friends over the years, I think what you are experiencing is very common. In general, men and women grieve differently - and you are both grieving. Women tend to need to express their feelings during the grief process while men typically "take action" against whateer caused the grief or throw themselves into their work. I have seen this with couples who have lost children and with couples who have a kid with CF. I saw it with my husband and myself as he experienced losses caused by his illnesss.

I think you have to respect and honor the difference. There is no one right way to procfeed after diagnosis. When one spouse insists that the other deal with grief or fear exactly as they do there is almost always bad conflict - conflict that I've seen end in divorcfe many times. (I can't tell you how many couples that I know have divorced after loosing a child.)

I guess my suggestion would be for you to see a counselor together if your husband is willing and if not to see one by yourself. It's possible that after you talk to a counselor for some time you might see ways that you can change your behavior so that he doesn't drive you so crazy (and it would give you a safe place to really express your feelings), or maybe the counselor can help you frame the idea of couples counseling (as a way to form a firm partnership to fight the illness) so that yur husband will go with you - and later (when your child is old enough) so that you can expand couples counseling into family counseling.

Keeping you in my heart

 

[LisaV]

I am not a parent. I am a widow and an outlaw aunt. from obseration of the family and friends over the years, I think what you are experiencing is very common. In general, men and women grieve differently - and you are both grieving. Women tend to need to express their feelings during the grief process while men typically "take action" against whateer caused the grief or throw themselves into their work. I have seen this with couples who have lost children and with couples who have a kid with CF. I saw it with my husband and myself as he experienced losses caused by his illnesss.

I think you have to respect and honor the difference. There is no one right way to procfeed after diagnosis. When one spouse insists that the other deal with grief or fear exactly as they do there is almost always bad conflict - conflict that I've seen end in divorcfe many times. (I can't tell you how many couples that I know have divorced after loosing a child.)

I guess my suggestion would be for you to see a counselor together if your husband is willing and if not to see one by yourself. It's possible that after you talk to a counselor for some time you might see ways that you can change your behavior so that he doesn't drive you so crazy (and it would give you a safe place to really express your feelings), or maybe the counselor can help you frame the idea of couples counseling (as a way to form a firm partnership to fight the illness) so that yur husband will go with you - and later (when your child is old enough) so that you can expand couples counseling into family counseling.

Keeping you in my heart

 

[Jane]

I agree with Lisa, yes it is very common and yes you should see a counselor by yourself. It is very difficult for a couple to maintain a marriage in stressful times. Then add the parenting part and the chronic illness part- its amazing if anyone's marriage can survive that!

You need to be able to work as a team for your daughter even if you have different opinions of how to help her. My husband and I mostly have a similar vision, but do argue about parenting especially at times when there is more illness. Sometimes we need to step back and remember what the goal is.

You also need to take care of yourself. Go to counseling to help YOU deal with your stress, disappointment, guilt and anger about this nasty disease. Your marriage and your parenting will be stronger for it. Your husband may come around, but if he doesn't, counseling will help you cope.

Its not easy, I understand where you are.

 

[Jane]

I agree with Lisa, yes it is very common and yes you should see a counselor by yourself. It is very difficult for a couple to maintain a marriage in stressful times. Then add the parenting part and the chronic illness part- its amazing if anyone's marriage can survive that!

You need to be able to work as a team for your daughter even if you have different opinions of how to help her. My husband and I mostly have a similar vision, but do argue about parenting especially at times when there is more illness. Sometimes we need to step back and remember what the goal is.

You also need to take care of yourself. Go to counseling to help YOU deal with your stress, disappointment, guilt and anger about this nasty disease. Your marriage and your parenting will be stronger for it. Your husband may come around, but if he doesn't, counseling will help you cope.

Its not easy, I understand where you are.

 

[Jane]

I agree with Lisa, yes it is very common and yes you should see a counselor by yourself. It is very difficult for a couple to maintain a marriage in stressful times. Then add the parenting part and the chronic illness part- its amazing if anyone's marriage can survive that!

You need to be able to work as a team for your daughter even if you have different opinions of how to help her. My husband and I mostly have a similar vision, but do argue about parenting especially at times when there is more illness. Sometimes we need to step back and remember what the goal is.

You also need to take care of yourself. Go to counseling to help YOU deal with your stress, disappointment, guilt and anger about this nasty disease. Your marriage and your parenting will be stronger for it. Your husband may come around, but if he doesn't, counseling will help you cope.

Its not easy, I understand where you are.

 

[ktsmom]

We are about 2 months into our diagnosis. I know exactly what you are going through. Our relationship (20 years!) was VERY strong prior to having kids and that had continued on throughout parenthood. But Katy's diagnosis has been an incredible strain.

We have argued bitterly more in the past two months then we ever had before in our whole relationship. We are both grieving. I can cry; I can talk about it with people; this has helped me to process it. He wants to but he can't. He feels guilt for having 'done this to our daughter' (i.e. we gave her the genes, unknowingly of course). I tried to direct him at first as to how to grieve (LOL!), but he has to do that in his own way.

A stereotypical role for the Dad is to fix everything for their children, especially daughters! They can't fix this! He is not sleeping. He is not eating. He is barely functioning. His family is not very supportive because they have no idea what to say or do. And he has driven them away by insisting that all of the cousins get tested to see if they are carriers.


God love him, he is trying. We are seeing a therapist together. We have both been told to get on anti-depressants but we haven't done it yet and probably won't. He is such a great father and a wonderful man that I know we can work through this together.

The previous posters have all given excellent advice. I don't have anything new to add as far as advice, but I wanted to share my story and tell you that you are not alone.

I sincerely hope that you can work it out to the best for you and your family.

Dana
Mom to Katy (3, cf) and Kyra (6, no cf)

 

[ktsmom]

We are about 2 months into our diagnosis. I know exactly what you are going through. Our relationship (20 years!) was VERY strong prior to having kids and that had continued on throughout parenthood. But Katy's diagnosis has been an incredible strain.

We have argued bitterly more in the past two months then we ever had before in our whole relationship. We are both grieving. I can cry; I can talk about it with people; this has helped me to process it. He wants to but he can't. He feels guilt for having 'done this to our daughter' (i.e. we gave her the genes, unknowingly of course). I tried to direct him at first as to how to grieve (LOL!), but he has to do that in his own way.

A stereotypical role for the Dad is to fix everything for their children, especially daughters! They can't fix this! He is not sleeping. He is not eating. He is barely functioning. His family is not very supportive because they have no idea what to say or do. And he has driven them away by insisting that all of the cousins get tested to see if they are carriers.


God love him, he is trying. We are seeing a therapist together. We have both been told to get on anti-depressants but we haven't done it yet and probably won't. He is such a great father and a wonderful man that I know we can work through this together.

The previous posters have all given excellent advice. I don't have anything new to add as far as advice, but I wanted to share my story and tell you that you are not alone.

I sincerely hope that you can work it out to the best for you and your family.

Dana
Mom to Katy (3, cf) and Kyra (6, no cf)

 

[ktsmom]

We are about 2 months into our diagnosis. I know exactly what you are going through. Our relationship (20 years!) was VERY strong prior to having kids and that had continued on throughout parenthood. But Katy's diagnosis has been an incredible strain.

We have argued bitterly more in the past two months then we ever had before in our whole relationship. We are both grieving. I can cry; I can talk about it with people; this has helped me to process it. He wants to but he can't. He feels guilt for having 'done this to our daughter' (i.e. we gave her the genes, unknowingly of course). I tried to direct him at first as to how to grieve (LOL!), but he has to do that in his own way.

A stereotypical role for the Dad is to fix everything for their children, especially daughters! They can't fix this! He is not sleeping. He is not eating. He is barely functioning. His family is not very supportive because they have no idea what to say or do. And he has driven them away by insisting that all of the cousins get tested to see if they are carriers.


God love him, he is trying. We are seeing a therapist together. We have both been told to get on anti-depressants but we haven't done it yet and probably won't. He is such a great father and a wonderful man that I know we can work through this together.

The previous posters have all given excellent advice. I don't have anything new to add as far as advice, but I wanted to share my story and tell you that you are not alone.

I sincerely hope that you can work it out to the best for you and your family.

Dana
Mom to Katy (3, cf) and Kyra (6, no cf)

 

[Caleblove0802]

I am sorry you and your husband are having a difficult time. My son is going to be 15 mos old on 11/2. He was diagnosed at 3 weeks of age and he is our first. It is very difficult to care for a child with a chronic illness. I remember right after Caleb was diagnosed we were told that our marriage was super important to the clinic because 8 in 10 marriages fail when there is a child involved who has a chronic illness. That scared me to death. My husband and I have had several discussions about our son and our marriage. We have promised eachother that we will conquer this...that all in all not too many families end up with a CF diagnosis-and therefore we will be the 20% that make it. I am not going to play this up...I do see why marriages can fail....it is so hard. Our son was hospitalized for over a month total the first year of his life and my husband has a pretty demanding job-plus all the illness that Caleb caught and was not hospitalized for-and the money. You both have one major thing in common-the well-being of your child. I know this may not help. My biggest point I wanted to make is that you are not alone. If at all possible take an evening and go out to dinner or have a little time to yourselves...somewhere where you and him can talk without any interuptions. We have seeked help from our Pastor-therapy/counseling is okay-this is a tragic thing in your lives that has taken place. Therapy/counseling is not just for the crazies <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> It is also for those who have experienced something so traumatic that they just need a little help getting through it.

Melissa
Caleb CF 15 mos

 

[Caleblove0802]

I am sorry you and your husband are having a difficult time. My son is going to be 15 mos old on 11/2. He was diagnosed at 3 weeks of age and he is our first. It is very difficult to care for a child with a chronic illness. I remember right after Caleb was diagnosed we were told that our marriage was super important to the clinic because 8 in 10 marriages fail when there is a child involved who has a chronic illness. That scared me to death. My husband and I have had several discussions about our son and our marriage. We have promised eachother that we will conquer this...that all in all not too many families end up with a CF diagnosis-and therefore we will be the 20% that make it. I am not going to play this up...I do see why marriages can fail....it is so hard. Our son was hospitalized for over a month total the first year of his life and my husband has a pretty demanding job-plus all the illness that Caleb caught and was not hospitalized for-and the money. You both have one major thing in common-the well-being of your child. I know this may not help. My biggest point I wanted to make is that you are not alone. If at all possible take an evening and go out to dinner or have a little time to yourselves...somewhere where you and him can talk without any interuptions. We have seeked help from our Pastor-therapy/counseling is okay-this is a tragic thing in your lives that has taken place. Therapy/counseling is not just for the crazies <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> It is also for those who have experienced something so traumatic that they just need a little help getting through it.

Melissa
Caleb CF 15 mos

 

[Caleblove0802]

I am sorry you and your husband are having a difficult time. My son is going to be 15 mos old on 11/2. He was diagnosed at 3 weeks of age and he is our first. It is very difficult to care for a child with a chronic illness. I remember right after Caleb was diagnosed we were told that our marriage was super important to the clinic because 8 in 10 marriages fail when there is a child involved who has a chronic illness. That scared me to death. My husband and I have had several discussions about our son and our marriage. We have promised eachother that we will conquer this...that all in all not too many families end up with a CF diagnosis-and therefore we will be the 20% that make it. I am not going to play this up...I do see why marriages can fail....it is so hard. Our son was hospitalized for over a month total the first year of his life and my husband has a pretty demanding job-plus all the illness that Caleb caught and was not hospitalized for-and the money. You both have one major thing in common-the well-being of your child. I know this may not help. My biggest point I wanted to make is that you are not alone. If at all possible take an evening and go out to dinner or have a little time to yourselves...somewhere where you and him can talk without any interuptions. We have seeked help from our Pastor-therapy/counseling is okay-this is a tragic thing in your lives that has taken place. Therapy/counseling is not just for the crazies <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> It is also for those who have experienced something so traumatic that they just need a little help getting through it.

Melissa
Caleb CF 15 mos

 

[LisaV]

I'd just like to add that an addditional cause of stress is that you are both missing your major support person. I bet in the past when bad things happened to one of you then the other was there for support. This time the bad thing has happened to both of you so both of you are wounded and therefore unable to offer support to one another. That's another reason why your going to a counselor can help you get the support you need without asking for it all from your husband who just plain is unable to give you enough support right now (and vice versa).

 

[LisaV]

I'd just like to add that an addditional cause of stress is that you are both missing your major support person. I bet in the past when bad things happened to one of you then the other was there for support. This time the bad thing has happened to both of you so both of you are wounded and therefore unable to offer support to one another. That's another reason why your going to a counselor can help you get the support you need without asking for it all from your husband who just plain is unable to give you enough support right now (and vice versa).