marriage

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anonymous

New member
So I have a question. Mike and I want to get married someday but there are complications. He will be getting his transplant anyday now. After that will be recovery, lots of meds, and eventually he wants to go back to college to become a counselor for other CF patients. I have a good fulltime job as a speech-language pathologist, but my income and health insurance won't be good enough for two. While he is recovering and in school, it's best for him to stay on disability and get state coverage, which he'd lose by marrying me I think. So here's my question. Can we get "married" (have a wedding) but just not make it legal by signing anything. Nobody needs to know really. I just would be proud to call him my "husband". Anyone know?
-Katy (at work)
 
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Faust

New member
You could get non legally married to a fire hydrant if you wanted to. Anyone can have a non legally binding ceremony of "marriage" to anyone/thing if they want to. Like how many gay couples do it in states that don't recognize gay marriage. Just come up with some neato romantic vows, have some food and drinks, invite friends and family over, and have some person good at reciting such stuff "marry" you guys.
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
Of course you can do that. Have a wedding, have a ceremony, have a reception. Just don't get legally married, no marriage license, etc. Gay people are doing that a lot right now, since they can't get married. It's not legally recognized (which will save Mike for his $ and insurance), but it'll give you and your families a chance to celebrate the "union" (for lack of a better word). You can even wear wedding rings, and stuff. You can call each other husband and wife. As long as when it comes to legal forms, you make sure to check the "single" box, not the "married" one.

For all legal purposes, you'll be single. But among family, friends, your social life, coworkers, etc, you can be "married."
 
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julie

New member
Yes you can do that, a lot of people do and choose to tell only their parents that they aren't really getting married and the financial reasons why (depends on how close one is to their family though). If you are able to do it that way you can still have a wedding and reception that everyone comes to.

As far as his disability though, is he on SSI or SSDI? A person is automatically elgible for disability for 12 months after a lung transplant, but if he's on SSI, that would depend on your income. If he's on SSDI and has medicare that won't be affected by a marriage and your income.
 
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anonymous

New member
What if your spouse or future spouse has access to health coverage that you can get, but a) it is more expensive than medicare and/or b) it is not a good as medicare. By having access to insurance of some kind, does this disqualify you from being able to get medicare?
 
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catboogie

New member
great question!

i know that if i get married i will not be eligable for my state CF program. however, me staying on this program also means that i will never be eligable for any kind of insurance at any time during my life! everyone has to weigh the risk/reward.

laura
 
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anonymous

New member
If you are legally married then all benefits that <i>are</i> based on income become based on the family income (the income of both you and your spouse). Thus (assuming you have a working spouse) you would no longer be eligible for SSI or Medicaid or most of the Medicare/Medicaid waivers.

However, being married does <i>not</i> effect benfits that are <i>not</i> based on income like SSDI and Medicare. So if you are married you can continue to receive SSDI and Medicare A & B as my late husband did. If your spouse has health insurance through work and you can be added to that then how that works depends on how big the company is. If the company is large (I believe over 100, but don't quite remember) and the health insurance is part of an ERISA (cafeteria) benefits plan, then the company health insurance is primary and Medicare is secondary. In all other cases, Medicare is primary and the spousal health insurance plan is secondary.

The other area that can be adversely effected by being legally married is home health care. If you are not legally married then your "spouse" is considered a roommate (not a family member) and insurance never considers them as someone that they can train to do home IVs etc. Consequently, if you can't do the IVs yourself, insurance will pay for a home health nurse to come in and do the IVs. If you're married, lots of luck. The spouse can say "no. I won't do that." In which case, since insurance can't make a spouse do anything, they might get you home health, but they will try to play hardball and threaten hospital/nursing home etc or most anything as emotional blackmail to get the spouse to do something - whether or not the spouse is working fulltime, raising kids, etc etc.. (Can you tell I'm still angry?) Also the Medicare waiver programs (for getting home PCAs etc) consider the total family income and assets (waiver programs vary from state to state), and in this case too, being married to someone with their own income can make you unqualified.

What ever kind of ceremony you decide to have.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!
 
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Lilith

New member
Rick and I plan to get married the 'non-legal' way. We plan to hold a little ceremony here at my house, and just invite family and friends. I'm on SSI, so we decided its the best choice...unless either one of us wins the lottery or something! LOL! It's about the only way we could afford the meds on our own!
 
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Diane

New member
When i got married i had just gotten on disability a few months before. I had no idea they would base what i got in my disability by how much he made. We couldnt possibly make it on just his salary so i realized i had to come up with something. What i did was, waited about a month and a half and called my case worker and told her we had separated. Then i got back my full amount plus my food stamps. It was tricky because i would have to keep lieing, but i felt i had no choice. We did separate for real a few years later and got divorced . If i ever got married again, i would definitely go for the non-legal marriage.
 
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JazzysMom

New member
Stick with the non legal way unless you have some real moral or religious reason why you cant. A thought depending on the state & insurance carrier is that both of you could be considered "Domestic Partners" where as long as you can prove that you both reside at the same residence & are both responsible for bills there.......then many insurnce carriers will allow the "boyfriend or girlfriend" go on the others insurance plan. As far as I know they have to be currently unmarried tho so if a divorce or something is pending it wont work.
 
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anonymous

New member
Make sure your boyfriend gets a living will, health proxy and will ( if he hasn't already) since you will have no legal rights in the eye of the law
 
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anonymous

New member
cool! I just wanted to hear that's what other people do too. Thanks!!
-Katy
Maybe we'll throw a fire hydrant into the mix too.
 
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julie

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>anonymous</b></i>

What if your spouse or future spouse has access to health coverage that you can get, but a) it is more expensive than medicare and/or b) it is not a good as medicare. By having access to insurance of some kind, does this disqualify you from being able to get medicare?</end quote></div>

Medicare has nothing to do with having another insurance. You can have medicare and 1 through your spouse and if you work part time (and for some strange/lucky reason you qualify for your own insurance as a Part timer) and have your own insurance. MediCAID on the other hand is based on income in order to qualify. Your "family" that you live with could earn a million dollars and you would still get your mediCARE coverage provided you had been on SSDI for over 24 months.

Those A and B questions are more difficult. A. Is the coverage more expensive because they cover more? At the end of the year will you have less out of pocket because they cover 100% of EVRYTHING but the premiums are higher....?
B. If it's not as good as medicare and you are on SSDI and have been on it for 24 months or more you automatically qualify for medicare. You can still opt for a spouses coverage in addition to medicare.

Good luck to everyone with these choices. I personally think if a non-legal wedding suits your situation so you can do more than just "survive" on your income, then do it. It's nobody elses business nor should they judge you. I've known many people to do this and GOOD FOR THEM!!! Love is love and just because our govt. bases benefits on income the way they do (for some programs) doesn't mean you should have to suffer and forego the much needed income to be "married" to someone.
 
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CJTexas71

New member
Here in TX we also have "common law" marriage. That is if
you address yourselves as "husband, wife" or use your
spouse's last name, it is validated as legal. This is only between
male/female and legal age. Everything else, like common property
etc is the same as a legal document.<br>
<br>
My fiance wanted to get married in Vegas, or Mexico, but I am not
sure if the different states "share" requests for
marriage documentation. I would not change my last name legally, so
I would not need to report it to the social security office etc,
etc. I am thinking that the states do not share because of the ppl
that get into trouble for having multiple marriage partners!
lol<br>
<br>
It drives me crazy all the limits you are put on when you really do
need medical help. Ugh.
 
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thelizardqueen

New member
I know here in Canada, that if you live with your boyfriend/girlfried for 1 year, then you are known as "common-law" in the eyes of the law, and have the same rights as if you were married.
 
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Grendel

New member
The lizardqueen bring a good point to the discussion. Won't the Government consider you married through "common-law" marriage?

Also, would getting a divorce in order to receive benefits be uncommon, or morally or religiously inappropriate?

Is marriage an institution of the State or religion?


Thanks.
 
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IG

Guest
"common-law" marriages were brought up previously.
Anyway having done some research about this previously for my uncle and his (then live in) girlfriend (and now my aunt through the legality of marriage).

<a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.unmarried.org/common.html
">http://www.unmarried.org/common.html
</a>
If you are in one of these states you need to see a lawyer and sign an affidavit stating that you have no desire or intension to marry.

I know PurpleLungz (I hope this is ok to post manda) got married to her hubby, couldn't make it financially, got divorced but continues to live together with him as man and wife. I personally have no qualms against that, they have made a commitment to each other to love and cherish.. really I have to say who needs the government telling you that is legal or not. But that's my own personal beliefs.

Grendel what you're asking is something that is not going to be solved by general consensus. For these kinds of questions I believe it's better to go with what <i>you</i> believe.

*edit*
really I have too much fun with wikipedia.
Seems like this has even more info, including that of a Putative spouse. Def. worth reading.
<a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_law_marriage">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_law_marriage</a>
 
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