A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya' see! , I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat." Yes, sir. What size? And style?"
"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for You?"
No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as
the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and
asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is
bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied.....!
"From the floor ma'am.................From the floor."
*********************************************
>A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was
on the
>verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful
>hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became
an auto
>mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was
involved,
>signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all
he
>could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the
gynecologist
>prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous
skill.
>
> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained
> a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying,
"I
> don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but
I
> wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
>
> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
> perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the
engine back
> together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The
> instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of
> it through the muffler."
*****************************************************************
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!
i'm having a hard time coming up with redneck jokes...
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat." Yes, sir. What size? And style?"
"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for You?"
No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as
the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and
asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is
bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied.....!
"From the floor ma'am.................From the floor."
*********************************************
>A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was
on the
>verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful
>hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became
an auto
>mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was
involved,
>signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all
he
>could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the
gynecologist
>prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous
skill.
>
> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained
> a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying,
"I
> don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but
I
> wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
>
> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
> perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the
engine back
> together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The
> instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of
> it through the muffler."
*****************************************************************
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!
i'm having a hard time coming up with redneck jokes...