Needing Help

R

RememberingAngela

New member
When you're born 6 years after your sister who was diagnosed years before with CF you deal with it from day one, that battle and that constant fear of losing her. It's been 8 1/2 years since she died and I still can't move on. Life is all about acting...being the right Mom the right wife....but I'm empty. Nothing can replace that constant battle of taking care of her, praying for a cure, CPT, treatments, hospital stays, late night talks. Two years after her death was the worst and I almost died...that was so long ago. But what do I do now when I've put my life together and still feel so empty? I am considering making friends with others on the site who have CF, but would that replace the emptiness that I feel without her? When I lost her my whole family tore apart. We no longer meet for holidays or birthdays or for much of anything. My brother won't speak to me, and all I can guess is he's resentful it was her instead of me that left...I've asked but he won't tell. I do know that's the case with Mom since she told me so. All the praying I did growing up didn't make us switch as much as I'd have wanted and no matter how many times I've told Mom I would have given my life so she could have lived it hasn't healed the wound our family has in it. Mom's an alcoholic and has been for years...she's very abusive verbally with mood swings...it just isn't safe to try to have a relationship with her. This isn't a competition, I've told her. No one should outlive their child and there's nothing like the bonds of a child with their Mom and vice versa, but so can be said of the bonds between siblings and she just doesn't compute that or try to understand. But I miss having a family and you can't explain to a stranger who hasn't dealt with CF in their life what this hole in my life is like.

I was pretty cool...I really was...but the old me is gone and I don't know how to go on. Advice would be helpful. I tried anti depressants for years and they didn't help...talking about it doesn't help and I'm not here for sympathy. I just want to get better and fix this broken life and heart of mine. Can anyone guide me in the right direction? I've considered befriending others online with CF to talk to them, other family members, but will that help or can I even handle it after these years of clawing my way out of hell without her in my life? Can anyone even understand?

I've attached her picture. Thank you in advance for any suggestions you can give.
 
R

RememberingAngela

New member
When you're born 6 years after your sister who was diagnosed years before with CF you deal with it from day one, that battle and that constant fear of losing her. It's been 8 1/2 years since she died and I still can't move on. Life is all about acting...being the right Mom the right wife....but I'm empty. Nothing can replace that constant battle of taking care of her, praying for a cure, CPT, treatments, hospital stays, late night talks. Two years after her death was the worst and I almost died...that was so long ago. But what do I do now when I've put my life together and still feel so empty? I am considering making friends with others on the site who have CF, but would that replace the emptiness that I feel without her? When I lost her my whole family tore apart. We no longer meet for holidays or birthdays or for much of anything. My brother won't speak to me, and all I can guess is he's resentful it was her instead of me that left...I've asked but he won't tell. I do know that's the case with Mom since she told me so. All the praying I did growing up didn't make us switch as much as I'd have wanted and no matter how many times I've told Mom I would have given my life so she could have lived it hasn't healed the wound our family has in it. Mom's an alcoholic and has been for years...she's very abusive verbally with mood swings...it just isn't safe to try to have a relationship with her. This isn't a competition, I've told her. No one should outlive their child and there's nothing like the bonds of a child with their Mom and vice versa, but so can be said of the bonds between siblings and she just doesn't compute that or try to understand. But I miss having a family and you can't explain to a stranger who hasn't dealt with CF in their life what this hole in my life is like.

I was pretty cool...I really was...but the old me is gone and I don't know how to go on. Advice would be helpful. I tried anti depressants for years and they didn't help...talking about it doesn't help and I'm not here for sympathy. I just want to get better and fix this broken life and heart of mine. Can anyone guide me in the right direction? I've considered befriending others online with CF to talk to them, other family members, but will that help or can I even handle it after these years of clawing my way out of hell without her in my life? Can anyone even understand?

I've attached her picture. Thank you in advance for any suggestions you can give.
 
R

RememberingAngela

New member
When you're born 6 years after your sister who was diagnosed years before with CF you deal with it from day one, that battle and that constant fear of losing her. It's been 8 1/2 years since she died and I still can't move on. Life is all about acting...being the right Mom the right wife....but I'm empty. Nothing can replace that constant battle of taking care of her, praying for a cure, CPT, treatments, hospital stays, late night talks. Two years after her death was the worst and I almost died...that was so long ago. But what do I do now when I've put my life together and still feel so empty? I am considering making friends with others on the site who have CF, but would that replace the emptiness that I feel without her? When I lost her my whole family tore apart. We no longer meet for holidays or birthdays or for much of anything. My brother won't speak to me, and all I can guess is he's resentful it was her instead of me that left...I've asked but he won't tell. I do know that's the case with Mom since she told me so. All the praying I did growing up didn't make us switch as much as I'd have wanted and no matter how many times I've told Mom I would have given my life so she could have lived it hasn't healed the wound our family has in it. Mom's an alcoholic and has been for years...she's very abusive verbally with mood swings...it just isn't safe to try to have a relationship with her. This isn't a competition, I've told her. No one should outlive their child and there's nothing like the bonds of a child with their Mom and vice versa, but so can be said of the bonds between siblings and she just doesn't compute that or try to understand. But I miss having a family and you can't explain to a stranger who hasn't dealt with CF in their life what this hole in my life is like.

I was pretty cool...I really was...but the old me is gone and I don't know how to go on. Advice would be helpful. I tried anti depressants for years and they didn't help...talking about it doesn't help and I'm not here for sympathy. I just want to get better and fix this broken life and heart of mine. Can anyone guide me in the right direction? I've considered befriending others online with CF to talk to them, other family members, but will that help or can I even handle it after these years of clawing my way out of hell without her in my life? Can anyone even understand?

I've attached her picture. Thank you in advance for any suggestions you can give.
 
R

RememberingAngela

New member
When you're born 6 years after your sister who was diagnosed years before with CF you deal with it from day one, that battle and that constant fear of losing her. It's been 8 1/2 years since she died and I still can't move on. Life is all about acting...being the right Mom the right wife....but I'm empty. Nothing can replace that constant battle of taking care of her, praying for a cure, CPT, treatments, hospital stays, late night talks. Two years after her death was the worst and I almost died...that was so long ago. But what do I do now when I've put my life together and still feel so empty? I am considering making friends with others on the site who have CF, but would that replace the emptiness that I feel without her? When I lost her my whole family tore apart. We no longer meet for holidays or birthdays or for much of anything. My brother won't speak to me, and all I can guess is he's resentful it was her instead of me that left...I've asked but he won't tell. I do know that's the case with Mom since she told me so. All the praying I did growing up didn't make us switch as much as I'd have wanted and no matter how many times I've told Mom I would have given my life so she could have lived it hasn't healed the wound our family has in it. Mom's an alcoholic and has been for years...she's very abusive verbally with mood swings...it just isn't safe to try to have a relationship with her. This isn't a competition, I've told her. No one should outlive their child and there's nothing like the bonds of a child with their Mom and vice versa, but so can be said of the bonds between siblings and she just doesn't compute that or try to understand. But I miss having a family and you can't explain to a stranger who hasn't dealt with CF in their life what this hole in my life is like.

I was pretty cool...I really was...but the old me is gone and I don't know how to go on. Advice would be helpful. I tried anti depressants for years and they didn't help...talking about it doesn't help and I'm not here for sympathy. I just want to get better and fix this broken life and heart of mine. Can anyone guide me in the right direction? I've considered befriending others online with CF to talk to them, other family members, but will that help or can I even handle it after these years of clawing my way out of hell without her in my life? Can anyone even understand?

I've attached her picture. Thank you in advance for any suggestions you can give.
 
R

RememberingAngela

New member
When you're born 6 years after your sister who was diagnosed years before with CF you deal with it from day one, that battle and that constant fear of losing her. It's been 8 1/2 years since she died and I still can't move on. Life is all about acting...being the right Mom the right wife....but I'm empty. Nothing can replace that constant battle of taking care of her, praying for a cure, CPT, treatments, hospital stays, late night talks. Two years after her death was the worst and I almost died...that was so long ago. But what do I do now when I've put my life together and still feel so empty? I am considering making friends with others on the site who have CF, but would that replace the emptiness that I feel without her? When I lost her my whole family tore apart. We no longer meet for holidays or birthdays or for much of anything. My brother won't speak to me, and all I can guess is he's resentful it was her instead of me that left...I've asked but he won't tell. I do know that's the case with Mom since she told me so. All the praying I did growing up didn't make us switch as much as I'd have wanted and no matter how many times I've told Mom I would have given my life so she could have lived it hasn't healed the wound our family has in it. Mom's an alcoholic and has been for years...she's very abusive verbally with mood swings...it just isn't safe to try to have a relationship with her. This isn't a competition, I've told her. No one should outlive their child and there's nothing like the bonds of a child with their Mom and vice versa, but so can be said of the bonds between siblings and she just doesn't compute that or try to understand. But I miss having a family and you can't explain to a stranger who hasn't dealt with CF in their life what this hole in my life is like.

I was pretty cool...I really was...but the old me is gone and I don't know how to go on. Advice would be helpful. I tried anti depressants for years and they didn't help...talking about it doesn't help and I'm not here for sympathy. I just want to get better and fix this broken life and heart of mine. Can anyone guide me in the right direction? I've considered befriending others online with CF to talk to them, other family members, but will that help or can I even handle it after these years of clawing my way out of hell without her in my life? Can anyone even understand?

I've attached her picture. Thank you in advance for any suggestions you can give.
 
S

Skye

New member
Wow, you are carrying a VERY heavy burden. It sounds like your family is placing some very unfair thoughts in your head and I am sorry that you don't have some of them to lean on. I do think that getting involved with some other CFers here on the forum or going to some of the local fundraisers might empower you to honor her memory. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor. Sometimes burdens are just sooooo heavy we all need someone to help us think through things and look at things in a different way. Especially if you are dealing with an alcoholic mother. My mom's mother was an alcoholic and I know that is not an easy thing to deal with. Feel free to share here any time. It is a very safe place to be.
 
S

Skye

New member
Wow, you are carrying a VERY heavy burden. It sounds like your family is placing some very unfair thoughts in your head and I am sorry that you don't have some of them to lean on. I do think that getting involved with some other CFers here on the forum or going to some of the local fundraisers might empower you to honor her memory. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor. Sometimes burdens are just sooooo heavy we all need someone to help us think through things and look at things in a different way. Especially if you are dealing with an alcoholic mother. My mom's mother was an alcoholic and I know that is not an easy thing to deal with. Feel free to share here any time. It is a very safe place to be.
 
S

Skye

New member
Wow, you are carrying a VERY heavy burden. It sounds like your family is placing some very unfair thoughts in your head and I am sorry that you don't have some of them to lean on. I do think that getting involved with some other CFers here on the forum or going to some of the local fundraisers might empower you to honor her memory. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor. Sometimes burdens are just sooooo heavy we all need someone to help us think through things and look at things in a different way. Especially if you are dealing with an alcoholic mother. My mom's mother was an alcoholic and I know that is not an easy thing to deal with. Feel free to share here any time. It is a very safe place to be.
 
S

Skye

New member
Wow, you are carrying a VERY heavy burden. It sounds like your family is placing some very unfair thoughts in your head and I am sorry that you don't have some of them to lean on. I do think that getting involved with some other CFers here on the forum or going to some of the local fundraisers might empower you to honor her memory. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor. Sometimes burdens are just sooooo heavy we all need someone to help us think through things and look at things in a different way. Especially if you are dealing with an alcoholic mother. My mom's mother was an alcoholic and I know that is not an easy thing to deal with. Feel free to share here any time. It is a very safe place to be.
 
S

Skye

New member
Wow, you are carrying a VERY heavy burden. It sounds like your family is placing some very unfair thoughts in your head and I am sorry that you don't have some of them to lean on. I do think that getting involved with some other CFers here on the forum or going to some of the local fundraisers might empower you to honor her memory. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor. Sometimes burdens are just sooooo heavy we all need someone to help us think through things and look at things in a different way. Especially if you are dealing with an alcoholic mother. My mom's mother was an alcoholic and I know that is not an easy thing to deal with. Feel free to share here any time. It is a very safe place to be.
 
R

Rickiesmom

Guest
First I want to tell you how sorry I am of your loss...I can say that I do understand losing a sibling...I too have lost both of my only siblings my two brothers.

Your right you never get over it, you just learn how to cope and try to move forward. What helps me is to think of what they would of wanted for me...they would be soooo mad if I wallowed in self-pity (which I have) My parents have gone through hell burying two sons in five years. They didn't have cf but their loss was huge their children. Please pm me if you would like to talk...it's a journey that you have to get through this is our only life we have to move forward- no matter how hard- you are in my thoughts tonight...I am here if you need to talk.

HUGS Carey
 
R

Rickiesmom

Guest
First I want to tell you how sorry I am of your loss...I can say that I do understand losing a sibling...I too have lost both of my only siblings my two brothers.

Your right you never get over it, you just learn how to cope and try to move forward. What helps me is to think of what they would of wanted for me...they would be soooo mad if I wallowed in self-pity (which I have) My parents have gone through hell burying two sons in five years. They didn't have cf but their loss was huge their children. Please pm me if you would like to talk...it's a journey that you have to get through this is our only life we have to move forward- no matter how hard- you are in my thoughts tonight...I am here if you need to talk.

HUGS Carey
 
R

Rickiesmom

Guest
First I want to tell you how sorry I am of your loss...I can say that I do understand losing a sibling...I too have lost both of my only siblings my two brothers.

Your right you never get over it, you just learn how to cope and try to move forward. What helps me is to think of what they would of wanted for me...they would be soooo mad if I wallowed in self-pity (which I have) My parents have gone through hell burying two sons in five years. They didn't have cf but their loss was huge their children. Please pm me if you would like to talk...it's a journey that you have to get through this is our only life we have to move forward- no matter how hard- you are in my thoughts tonight...I am here if you need to talk.

HUGS Carey
 
R

Rickiesmom

Guest
First I want to tell you how sorry I am of your loss...I can say that I do understand losing a sibling...I too have lost both of my only siblings my two brothers.

Your right you never get over it, you just learn how to cope and try to move forward. What helps me is to think of what they would of wanted for me...they would be soooo mad if I wallowed in self-pity (which I have) My parents have gone through hell burying two sons in five years. They didn't have cf but their loss was huge their children. Please pm me if you would like to talk...it's a journey that you have to get through this is our only life we have to move forward- no matter how hard- you are in my thoughts tonight...I am here if you need to talk.

HUGS Carey
 
R

Rickiesmom

Guest
First I want to tell you how sorry I am of your loss...I can say that I do understand losing a sibling...I too have lost both of my only siblings my two brothers.

Your right you never get over it, you just learn how to cope and try to move forward. What helps me is to think of what they would of wanted for me...they would be soooo mad if I wallowed in self-pity (which I have) My parents have gone through hell burying two sons in five years. They didn't have cf but their loss was huge their children. Please pm me if you would like to talk...it's a journey that you have to get through this is our only life we have to move forward- no matter how hard- you are in my thoughts tonight...I am here if you need to talk.

HUGS Carey
 
R

RememberingAngela

New member
Skye - No dealing with my Mom isn't easy but it's been so many years since Angela died and all this came about that I've pretty much resigned myself that Mom is going to self destruct and there's nothing I can do about it. All I wanted to convey with that for others to understand my situation and isolation and how everyone went from smiling and happy bonds to no family at all. You know what I mean? I did see counsellors and they wanted me to talk about all of it and I did..it helped..but it hasn't really fixed anything or my feelings. I want to thank you for your advice, maybe I should see one again, it's something I'll consider. Thank you again, it really does help to not be alone.
 
R

RememberingAngela

New member
Skye - No dealing with my Mom isn't easy but it's been so many years since Angela died and all this came about that I've pretty much resigned myself that Mom is going to self destruct and there's nothing I can do about it. All I wanted to convey with that for others to understand my situation and isolation and how everyone went from smiling and happy bonds to no family at all. You know what I mean? I did see counsellors and they wanted me to talk about all of it and I did..it helped..but it hasn't really fixed anything or my feelings. I want to thank you for your advice, maybe I should see one again, it's something I'll consider. Thank you again, it really does help to not be alone.
 
R

RememberingAngela

New member
Skye - No dealing with my Mom isn't easy but it's been so many years since Angela died and all this came about that I've pretty much resigned myself that Mom is going to self destruct and there's nothing I can do about it. All I wanted to convey with that for others to understand my situation and isolation and how everyone went from smiling and happy bonds to no family at all. You know what I mean? I did see counsellors and they wanted me to talk about all of it and I did..it helped..but it hasn't really fixed anything or my feelings. I want to thank you for your advice, maybe I should see one again, it's something I'll consider. Thank you again, it really does help to not be alone.
 
R

RememberingAngela

New member
Skye - No dealing with my Mom isn't easy but it's been so many years since Angela died and all this came about that I've pretty much resigned myself that Mom is going to self destruct and there's nothing I can do about it. All I wanted to convey with that for others to understand my situation and isolation and how everyone went from smiling and happy bonds to no family at all. You know what I mean? I did see counsellors and they wanted me to talk about all of it and I did..it helped..but it hasn't really fixed anything or my feelings. I want to thank you for your advice, maybe I should see one again, it's something I'll consider. Thank you again, it really does help to not be alone.
 
R

RememberingAngela

New member
Skye - No dealing with my Mom isn't easy but it's been so many years since Angela died and all this came about that I've pretty much resigned myself that Mom is going to self destruct and there's nothing I can do about it. All I wanted to convey with that for others to understand my situation and isolation and how everyone went from smiling and happy bonds to no family at all. You know what I mean? I did see counsellors and they wanted me to talk about all of it and I did..it helped..but it hasn't really fixed anything or my feelings. I want to thank you for your advice, maybe I should see one again, it's something I'll consider. Thank you again, it really does help to not be alone.
 
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