Please Please Help

[Wendy Stepps]

My Son is 25 years old and has CF. His dad and I both work full time jobs outside our home. We also have a family landscaping business which Craig helps with. We basically provide everything the business needs except for a few things that he has bought for the business. Craig gets all the $$ made with this business. Craigs whole life I have had a saving account for him and he has added to it himself. At this time he wants to buy some land-between 5-10 acres. If you purchase this land you have to put a 1700 square foot house or larger on the land. Only part of the land with perk. Just enough for 1 house. Craig again has some money to do this, BUT the majority of the $$$ we would have to come up with. We don't even have our home paid for yet.

We told Craig this is not a good idea and that we cant afford this. We can look around and try to find sthg more reasonable. He wants to move out really bad. He says he is 25 and its time. I understand how he feels. But we just cant afford this. He is really mad at us right now. He is not speaking to us. He is very DISRESPECTFUL and HATEFUL to us.!!!! He says he doesn't have time to wait and find sthg else for two reasons. He said he is getting this land at a great price and if it goes on the market it will go up 20,000.00 and he says he doesn't have much longer to live. This ALL BREAKS OUR HEARTS for him to act and say these things!!!! We want to help him of course. But it has to be on his TERMS!!!!!!! He says if we can live with it-good. He also said we can consider him DEAD TO US.

Please Please what do we do. We proved him a home to live in-food to eat-gas for his truck-the business he works for-insurance for his truck and medical-we pays his Dr. bills-his cell phone bill-everything. All he has to pay for is his Truck-clothes and going out to eat, movies etc. We did provide him with a brand new truck when he turned 16-paid for. But when he turned 20 he bought another one and then last year he traded and got another one. I know what everybody is going to say-CUT HIS BUTT OFF. But that is easier said than done. What if we do and he cant afford things-his health gets worse and sthg happens to him.

Plus Craig does not take care of himself. He doesn't take his meds or do his treatments like he is suppose to. He was not raised like this. I always made sure he took his meds and did his treatments we made sure he went to the Dr like he was suppose too, but now he wont go.

Please Please HELP US with and Advise,
Craig's mom

 

[Aboveallislove]

Dear Mom,
I know how heart broken and scared you are. I strongly suggest you immediately read the Love & Logic book on parenting children with chronic health issues. It gives you ideas on how to have the conversation that might reach him which isn't a "cut his butt off" but asks him questions, gives him choices, listens, empatheses etc. I don't know if it is an ebook or not, but seriously read it in one night and you'll get some great ideas on how to handle this. I am so sorry and will keep him and you in my prayers.

 

[Wendy Stepps]

Thank You so much. I def will get that book tomorrow. You know TUFF LOVE is hard but even HARDER when you have a child with a chronic illness. You want to make his life as wonderful as possible. They already go through so much daily just to stay alive. But I cant just give in to him with his actions toward us and especially if we cant afford it. But I don't want any regrets either.

 

[Aboveallislove]

PS after reading the book, in the talk, I'd really ask him why he thinks he isn't going to live much longer? The average age TODAY is like 40 and the new drugs coming out in the next year, will add to that and in 5-10 years they will have really great drugs, so that will be when he's in his 30s. I also love the ending line the book suggests of something along the lines of "is there anything else we might say that can help you decide to take care of your health because we'd hate in five years when they have a cure for you to be so sick it won't help you?" Totally paraphrasing but the idea is there.... make them think of what they are doing now and the future effect. Because it is true.

 

[Cherylwithone]

Hi Wendy, This is a hard one. My daughter has used the CF card on me. She is now in her 20's and I have learned to just say no. I got to the point that during one of the guilt cards and
I responded that everybody dies at some point. I think we as parents feel so guilty that we spoil them out of guilt. But, at some point we need to parent them as we would our other children.

When your son can pay for everything on his own then he is ready to purchase land and build a home on it. Let him be mad. He will get over it. Sometimes we as parents need to take a step
and realize we are doing more harm then good. Hang in there.

 

[welshwitch]

Cut him off. When I became financially independent I also took control of my health. I'm 34 and pay ALL my bills and medical expenses. Also, what's wrong with renting before buying? Most of us aren't home and land owners until our 30's at least. Good luck to you -- this will all work out!!!! It's what I call the "CF Adult Blues."