Relationship Advice Please...

[Melly527]

Hi!

I am 24f w/ CF. I've been with my boyfriend (who is 33) for 3 yrs now and been living w/ him for over 2 yrs. Lately thoughts of marriage have been a big issue...I'm ready, he's not. His stand point is that he'll probably be ready in another year or two. My problem is, that I can't help thinking about the CF "timeline" and I worry that if I decide to hang in there another year and he's still not ready I will have to move on. I don't want to give him some of the healthiest years of my life only to have to start over, but at the same time I don't want him to feel rushed. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Melanie

 

[Emily65Roses]

I've had this problem 1000 times over. But it's less realistic in my case, I'm only 20. And Mike is 18. Either way, my question would be... why the hell is he not ready now, but he will be in a year or two? What's that little bit of time going to make a difference? You've been together for three years, it's not as if you don't know each other well. I guess I don't really have any advice, but to ask him why the year or two will make such a difference that suddenly *poof!* he'll be ready for marriage when he's not now. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. Good luck. <img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

I have had those feelings too. It's hard not to, even when you don't want to rush yourself! Question: is there going to be any big changes after you get married since you have lived together for two years? If there aren't, then maybe you can point that out to your boyfriend. Some guys can be really scared of committment, but he might not be as scared if he realizes that not much will change! If he still backs away from it, then you need to tell him your concerns and let him know that if he wants to keep you in his life he needs to commit.

 

[jenhum]

that was me btw. forgot to log in first <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">.

 

[anonymous]

Melanie,

What if he told you that he doesn't want to get married, he still wants to spend his life with you but wants to live common law. What would you do?


Dave 29 w/cf

 

[anonymous]

That's a tough situation to be in. You know the old saying "Why buy the cow when the milk's free". It's hard to say w/o knowing your b.f. if that is the case here or not. At 33, though, he should be mature enough to know if he wants to be married & also to know if you're the right one or not.
With CF, you do feel a light urgency to get married & not waste time, etc. <img src="i/expressions/clock.gif" border="0">
I made the mistake of marrying my first husband knowing he wasn't really right for me, but he was willing to marry me--CF and all and I guess I didn't know if anyone else would, so I married him. Big mistake! After 4 years of hell, for lack of a better word, I finally decided that being single wasn't so bad after all & we divorced. I'm just glad we didn't have kids to make things more complicated. Long story short, there was someone else out there that married me, CF & all and I couldn't be happier<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
How does this relate to you? Probably not at all, but I wanted to share this in case anyone out there is in this situation, maybe I've helped them.
Keep us posted

 

[LindseyRose]

I just became engaged 3 months ago to my boyfriend of 3 years. In my opinion, if you absolutely know that you want to marry someone, you will stop at nothing to do it. In your case, something is stopping him. You are right- you are much healthier now than you will be in a couple years. And what a kicker that would be if in two years he is still not ready! It sounds to me that you have a good head on your shoulders; you realize that time is valuable to CF'ers and shouldn't be wasted waiting for someone who may not even be ready later on.

My social worker at the clinic talked to me about something else you may want to think about as well- It is much easier on a CF'ers body to have kids when you are healthier. If the two of you plan on having kids you may want to do it sooner than later. Depending on your personal beliefs, if getting married first is a priority, you should let him know that waiting might not be the better choice.

 

[Melly527]

Hmmm, good question Dave! I can't see that happening, only because he and I are both kinda traditional in the sense that we both want to be married before we have a child.

To <b>everyone</b> who has responded to my posting...thank you <b>SO</b> much for your input, you've given me a lot of helpful things to think about <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

Melanie

 

[anonymous]

My darling and I have lived together for 2 years in Feb. I am 29 CF he 30 non-CF. I would like to get married, but after an engagement to another 4 years ago and pulling out 2 months before big wedding-to-be, I am a bit reluctant to marry fast. As much as I would love to get married and be his wife, it's not really all that important so long as he loves me and I love him. The beauty of being with a wonderful person is not created by a marriage certificate and words (vows) taht everyone else says, and 50% of them break up. It's up to you, but I am not rushing anything, and a child is beautiful, and a cf carrier, if it is born out of wedlock. God loves all children remember, not just those born after marriage.

Another thing, I thought most CF men were sterile? Not wanting to offend anyone, but that's what I have been told by docs unless i heard wrong...Good luck and best wishes with your partner in life.

 

[dresapp]

Just because he doesnt wanna get married doesnt mean he doesnt love you and it doesnt mean your "wasting" your time. Maybe the reality of being married scares him. I know it does me and I have CF and im the one whos afraid to commit to my boyfriend! BUt I still love him and cant imagine being without him.

Is there perhaps other reasons why hes hesitant to be married? I know one of the reasons I am is because when i marry my BF, I will lose my disablility pension and he will have to support me which i am not comfortable with and I know he cant afford all my drugs and needs. He doesnt see that way but I do and I dont want to complicate things. Maybe you should talk to your man and see if perhaps there are issues that concern him. The best thing to do is be completely honest and open with eachother. Hes been with you this long so im sure he loves you or he wouldnt be "wasting his time either". The way I look at it is if your already living together than not much changes after marriage except the title and the finacial burdens. If you guys are happy the way you are now its worth waiting for. However if he knows that you feel like you have to rush to be married because of your health maybe hes worried about marrying you than having your health decline. If your worried about it than why shouldnt he. Be happy and live for today. IF you dwell too much about tommorow your gonna miss out on now! Good luck and who knows he may suprise and you change his mind!

Kris
22/CFRD, CFR liver disease, waiting for lungs and liver
"im still not done living yet"

 

[anonymous]

Hi,
why do you want to get married? I´m living together with my boyfriend for 8 years now and I don´t want to marry him, it wouldn´t change anything. We don´t want kids and if I should die, it doesn´t matter to me any more if being married or not...
If you like each other, stay together, if the most important thing is a contract, go.

Good luck
Uli,42,cf/cfrd

 

[anonymous]

If you're with someone in a committed relationship, why wouldn't you want to get married? To those who don't care for marriage, it's only a piece of paper to them. To those who value marriage and all it stands for, it's much much more than that. I understand there are legitimate reasons for not getting married ie losing benefits/state-federal aid etc. Insert argument against marriage by rattling off divorce statistics here _____________________________. Anyway, just my opinion.<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">

Funny story: A friend of mine had the same girlfriend for a number of years. Had a beautiful son with her, just bought a new house and when I asked him why he didn't marry his girlfriend? His response was "because that's a commitment!" Hmmm, has a 30 year mortgage with her, has child with her (dad for life)... because marriage is a commitment?! LOL <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif" border="0">

-the 1revsleep

 

[anonymous]

Melanie,
Let me give you some advice from a married woman (I have CF). Oh my gosh, there are times I really sit here and wonder what I have done with my life. Having a spouse is the most stressful thing I have done. I really feel that I have aged a lot since getting married, it has not been easy. I'm not saying that your marriage would be this way, but make sure he is the one for you!!! Having all of this stress is horrible on my body and I don't feel very supported when I'm in the hospital, it's very lonely! And truly heart-breaking at times.
So just be careful, because from the other side of it, being single looks SO appealing! Enjoy what you have.
Best wishes to you on your decision and confrontation.

_______________________
Just my opinion

 

[anonymous]

This is to the the person who wrote "Just my opinion" I totally agree with you......I was dating a man for the last 4 years (I have CF)we just recently broke it off as he just could not handle it all. He thought way too into the future etc... guess some men are not strong enough and just can't seem to deal. It was very upsetting to me because if the roles were reversed i would do anything for him. I mean he loved me and all that but it was just an obstacle that he could not over come. He also lost his mom 4 years ago when we first started going out so that set the stage for our relationship. It just had him so scared and the fear of getting close to someone and possibly losing them just was too much. He would actually have anxiety attacks. I found myself more worried about him for awhile and then said hey wheres my support. So we decided to go our own way and that he needs to deal with his issues and if we meet again then fine if not life goes on. But my point here is i would rather be by myself than dealing with stress like that and not knowing if he is going to have an anxiety attack over it all this week or next.

 

[anonymous]

Why would you think because he's not ready in a year you would have to move on. You said that these are the healthiest years so it doesn't seem right to me to think you may have wasted time with this person you say you want to spend the rest of your life with. But your willing to give all that up if he's not ready in your timeframe. I'm not married either and I went through that stage where you are but then I thought you know if I say I'm wasting my time with this person I'm really not being fair to him or me. The simple fact being life is precious to us and if we demean our relationships to one event is that right. No. So I now live my life to the fullest without the wedding. I still have all the support, I still live with my best friend. Isn't that what's important. Instead of looking at it like a timeline. If you want to start a family then maybe discuss the fact that you want to be married before the baby. Because the baby would be more of a timeline then the marriage. I myself don't want to have children so I'm happy with life the way it is. I have lots of neices and nephews. Good luck. Just another perspective. Eva

 

[anonymous]

if your worried about not haveing enough time then just remember thatyour happy with this guy and you should just live life as is and not worry about what is comming tomorrow. live for today, this day!

---------------------------
nina 17 w/ cf

 

[anonymous]

Hi,
Im 20 female with cf. I totally understand where you are coming from. Although I am young I cant help but wonder when will my time come. My biggest thing is to be married. I think the best thing to do is just sit down and talk with him and explain to him how you are feeling. I think to be honest and get your feelings off your chest will help you feel better. Cf is not an easy thing to deal with, but sometimes talking about it will make both of you feel better. Maybe he just needs to be re-assured. I have no clue...lol i am a youngin, but i hope what i have said helps a little bit!
Well good luck!
*~Ash~*

 

[Sunnie]

I'm not sure what kind of help I can be. I am 23 years old. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. We were friends for eight years before that. He and I have talked about marriage quite a bit. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. He has let me know that he isn't ready for marriage at the moment and I understand his reason as to why. While I come from a divorced family, his parents stayed together. Yet they are no longer a true couple. You can feel the tension every time you visit. They won't separate because they took a vow. My boyfriend does not wish our relationship to be like their's. I don't doubt his love for me. When I am sick he is there. I am the one going to school and he is the one providing the mental, emotional, and financial support. We may never marry but at least people know when they see us that our love for one another is real.