Stressed out Mom needs advice. : (

SnickerJunky · Jan 13, 2009

Hi, everyone. I'm new to the board, but an old cf mom. My 20yr old daughter has cf. Most of her life, she has been predominately healthy. Overweight, few lung issues, infrequent hospitalizations.

In the past few years, her life turned upside down, thanks to a loser boyfriend who dragged her down to his mentality level.

She is now free of him, for the most part, but the damage has been done. She's lost 40 pounds, had a miscarriage, perforated colon resulting in 80% removal of it..she's had a colostomy bag, and not long after that, she went in for a feeding tube. She doesn't use the feeding tube, because she is sooo lax in her treatments and therapies.

I don't know what to do anymore. She has gone from being so healthy to being notified that they will be discussing the possibility of a lung transplant at her next appointment.

She has been to therapy, and insists nothing works. What makes her happy is doing what she wants, and NOT doing what she's supposed to. She's lost 4 of her cf friends this past year, and anyone would think that would be incentive enough for her to take care of herself, but she just won't. She's mad at me now and not speaking to me because SHE messed up her finances by partying first and waiting til it was too late to pay her bills, so she's out of money for the month, so she's deliberately not doing her vest or any treatments because she knows I worry about it, and all of her medicines are here at the house, and she's been staying at a friend's for the last 2 days.

I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much I can take.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

SnickerJunky · Jan 13, 2009

Hi, everyone. I'm new to the board, but an old cf mom. My 20yr old daughter has cf. Most of her life, she has been predominately healthy. Overweight, few lung issues, infrequent hospitalizations.

In the past few years, her life turned upside down, thanks to a loser boyfriend who dragged her down to his mentality level.

She is now free of him, for the most part, but the damage has been done. She's lost 40 pounds, had a miscarriage, perforated colon resulting in 80% removal of it..she's had a colostomy bag, and not long after that, she went in for a feeding tube. She doesn't use the feeding tube, because she is sooo lax in her treatments and therapies.

I don't know what to do anymore. She has gone from being so healthy to being notified that they will be discussing the possibility of a lung transplant at her next appointment.

She has been to therapy, and insists nothing works. What makes her happy is doing what she wants, and NOT doing what she's supposed to. She's lost 4 of her cf friends this past year, and anyone would think that would be incentive enough for her to take care of herself, but she just won't. She's mad at me now and not speaking to me because SHE messed up her finances by partying first and waiting til it was too late to pay her bills, so she's out of money for the month, so she's deliberately not doing her vest or any treatments because she knows I worry about it, and all of her medicines are here at the house, and she's been staying at a friend's for the last 2 days.

I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much I can take.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

SnickerJunky · Jan 13, 2009

Hi, everyone. I'm new to the board, but an old cf mom. My 20yr old daughter has cf. Most of her life, she has been predominately healthy. Overweight, few lung issues, infrequent hospitalizations.

In the past few years, her life turned upside down, thanks to a loser boyfriend who dragged her down to his mentality level.

She is now free of him, for the most part, but the damage has been done. She's lost 40 pounds, had a miscarriage, perforated colon resulting in 80% removal of it..she's had a colostomy bag, and not long after that, she went in for a feeding tube. She doesn't use the feeding tube, because she is sooo lax in her treatments and therapies.

I don't know what to do anymore. She has gone from being so healthy to being notified that they will be discussing the possibility of a lung transplant at her next appointment.

She has been to therapy, and insists nothing works. What makes her happy is doing what she wants, and NOT doing what she's supposed to. She's lost 4 of her cf friends this past year, and anyone would think that would be incentive enough for her to take care of herself, but she just won't. She's mad at me now and not speaking to me because SHE messed up her finances by partying first and waiting til it was too late to pay her bills, so she's out of money for the month, so she's deliberately not doing her vest or any treatments because she knows I worry about it, and all of her medicines are here at the house, and she's been staying at a friend's for the last 2 days.

I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much I can take.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

SnickerJunky · Jan 13, 2009

Hi, everyone. I'm new to the board, but an old cf mom. My 20yr old daughter has cf. Most of her life, she has been predominately healthy. Overweight, few lung issues, infrequent hospitalizations.

In the past few years, her life turned upside down, thanks to a loser boyfriend who dragged her down to his mentality level.

She is now free of him, for the most part, but the damage has been done. She's lost 40 pounds, had a miscarriage, perforated colon resulting in 80% removal of it..she's had a colostomy bag, and not long after that, she went in for a feeding tube. She doesn't use the feeding tube, because she is sooo lax in her treatments and therapies.

I don't know what to do anymore. She has gone from being so healthy to being notified that they will be discussing the possibility of a lung transplant at her next appointment.

She has been to therapy, and insists nothing works. What makes her happy is doing what she wants, and NOT doing what she's supposed to. She's lost 4 of her cf friends this past year, and anyone would think that would be incentive enough for her to take care of herself, but she just won't. She's mad at me now and not speaking to me because SHE messed up her finances by partying first and waiting til it was too late to pay her bills, so she's out of money for the month, so she's deliberately not doing her vest or any treatments because she knows I worry about it, and all of her medicines are here at the house, and she's been staying at a friend's for the last 2 days.

I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much I can take.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

SnickerJunky · Jan 13, 2009

Hi, everyone. I'm new to the board, but an old cf mom. My 20yr old daughter has cf. Most of her life, she has been predominately healthy. Overweight, few lung issues, infrequent hospitalizations.
 
 In the past few years, her life turned upside down, thanks to a loser boyfriend who dragged her down to his mentality level.
 
 She is now free of him, for the most part, but the damage has been done. She's lost 40 pounds, had a miscarriage, perforated colon resulting in 80% removal of it..she's had a colostomy bag, and not long after that, she went in for a feeding tube. She doesn't use the feeding tube, because she is sooo lax in her treatments and therapies.
 
 I don't know what to do anymore. She has gone from being so healthy to being notified that they will be discussing the possibility of a lung transplant at her next appointment.
 
 She has been to therapy, and insists nothing works. What makes her happy is doing what she wants, and NOT doing what she's supposed to. She's lost 4 of her cf friends this past year, and anyone would think that would be incentive enough for her to take care of herself, but she just won't. She's mad at me now and not speaking to me because SHE messed up her finances by partying first and waiting til it was too late to pay her bills, so she's out of money for the month, so she's deliberately not doing her vest or any treatments because she knows I worry about it, and all of her medicines are here at the house, and she's been staying at a friend's for the last 2 days.
 
 I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much I can take.
 
 Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Mommafirst · Jan 13, 2009

My CF daughter is really young, so I cannot even presume to know what to tell you. I'm certainly not arogant enough to think that I couldn't be in your shoes someday despite everything I do. So instead, I'm just going to offer you some cyber hugs and support and let you know it breaks my heart hearing that you and she are struggling so much. (((HUGS))) I hope that your adult daughter will start to act her age and take responsibility for herself soon!!!!

Mommafirst · Jan 13, 2009

My CF daughter is really young, so I cannot even presume to know what to tell you. I'm certainly not arogant enough to think that I couldn't be in your shoes someday despite everything I do. So instead, I'm just going to offer you some cyber hugs and support and let you know it breaks my heart hearing that you and she are struggling so much. (((HUGS))) I hope that your adult daughter will start to act her age and take responsibility for herself soon!!!!

Mommafirst · Jan 13, 2009

My CF daughter is really young, so I cannot even presume to know what to tell you. I'm certainly not arogant enough to think that I couldn't be in your shoes someday despite everything I do. So instead, I'm just going to offer you some cyber hugs and support and let you know it breaks my heart hearing that you and she are struggling so much. (((HUGS))) I hope that your adult daughter will start to act her age and take responsibility for herself soon!!!!

Mommafirst · Jan 13, 2009

My CF daughter is really young, so I cannot even presume to know what to tell you. I'm certainly not arogant enough to think that I couldn't be in your shoes someday despite everything I do. So instead, I'm just going to offer you some cyber hugs and support and let you know it breaks my heart hearing that you and she are struggling so much. (((HUGS))) I hope that your adult daughter will start to act her age and take responsibility for herself soon!!!!

Mommafirst · Jan 13, 2009

My CF daughter is really young, so I cannot even presume to know what to tell you. I'm certainly not arogant enough to think that I couldn't be in your shoes someday despite everything I do. So instead, I'm just going to offer you some cyber hugs and support and let you know it breaks my heart hearing that you and she are struggling so much. (((HUGS))) I hope that your adult daughter will start to act her age and take responsibility for herself soon!!!!

Nightwriter · Jan 13, 2009

It's too bad her illness is becoming a power struggle between the two of you. My first question would be is this a lifelong issue or did things change when the boyfriend came along? Is she acting out because she is misplacing blame on you for losing the boyfriend? Even though the boyfriend was horrible for her, she chose him. If you were always criticizing him, she didn't want hear the truth, and is wrongly angry at you for him being gone. Or even if she's glad he gone, she probably misses him and out of depression doesn't care what happens to herself, because she feels bad to begin with.

And parent would be sick to see a boyfriend bring their daughter down. But even here you called him her loser boyfriend, etc. So no one likes to see themselves proved wrong. It's embarrasing and they feel stupid for making such a poor choice for the world to see. So I were you I would never bring the boyfriend up again ( you did write she is free for the MOST PART). My attitude would be that "I love you, I am always here for you and while it is hard for me to watch you do things that may cost you your life, you are an an adult. I cannot nag you like when you were six. You are the only one that can turn your life around and if you want my help great. I think we can use a cooling off period. Then I'd like to get us help to put ourselves back on track."

Be aware that she is trying to punish you, so you have to put a stop to this right away. She knows she is getting to you. You can't stop her from destroying herself, but you have to learn to deal with her differently. When you react differently to her and her antics, she will change her behavior towards you. There is a type of therapy called family systems (at least that's what they used to call it) where they get to the heart of the family disfunction. I had a friend from an estranged family that become whole again. If she won't go with you, go alone and they will teach you how to deal with this.

Just my opinion or maybe I am completely off-base.

Nightwriter · Jan 13, 2009

It's too bad her illness is becoming a power struggle between the two of you. My first question would be is this a lifelong issue or did things change when the boyfriend came along? Is she acting out because she is misplacing blame on you for losing the boyfriend? Even though the boyfriend was horrible for her, she chose him. If you were always criticizing him, she didn't want hear the truth, and is wrongly angry at you for him being gone. Or even if she's glad he gone, she probably misses him and out of depression doesn't care what happens to herself, because she feels bad to begin with.

And parent would be sick to see a boyfriend bring their daughter down. But even here you called him her loser boyfriend, etc. So no one likes to see themselves proved wrong. It's embarrasing and they feel stupid for making such a poor choice for the world to see. So I were you I would never bring the boyfriend up again ( you did write she is free for the MOST PART). My attitude would be that "I love you, I am always here for you and while it is hard for me to watch you do things that may cost you your life, you are an an adult. I cannot nag you like when you were six. You are the only one that can turn your life around and if you want my help great. I think we can use a cooling off period. Then I'd like to get us help to put ourselves back on track."

Be aware that she is trying to punish you, so you have to put a stop to this right away. She knows she is getting to you. You can't stop her from destroying herself, but you have to learn to deal with her differently. When you react differently to her and her antics, she will change her behavior towards you. There is a type of therapy called family systems (at least that's what they used to call it) where they get to the heart of the family disfunction. I had a friend from an estranged family that become whole again. If she won't go with you, go alone and they will teach you how to deal with this.

Just my opinion or maybe I am completely off-base.

Nightwriter · Jan 13, 2009

It's too bad her illness is becoming a power struggle between the two of you. My first question would be is this a lifelong issue or did things change when the boyfriend came along? Is she acting out because she is misplacing blame on you for losing the boyfriend? Even though the boyfriend was horrible for her, she chose him. If you were always criticizing him, she didn't want hear the truth, and is wrongly angry at you for him being gone. Or even if she's glad he gone, she probably misses him and out of depression doesn't care what happens to herself, because she feels bad to begin with.

And parent would be sick to see a boyfriend bring their daughter down. But even here you called him her loser boyfriend, etc. So no one likes to see themselves proved wrong. It's embarrasing and they feel stupid for making such a poor choice for the world to see. So I were you I would never bring the boyfriend up again ( you did write she is free for the MOST PART). My attitude would be that "I love you, I am always here for you and while it is hard for me to watch you do things that may cost you your life, you are an an adult. I cannot nag you like when you were six. You are the only one that can turn your life around and if you want my help great. I think we can use a cooling off period. Then I'd like to get us help to put ourselves back on track."

Be aware that she is trying to punish you, so you have to put a stop to this right away. She knows she is getting to you. You can't stop her from destroying herself, but you have to learn to deal with her differently. When you react differently to her and her antics, she will change her behavior towards you. There is a type of therapy called family systems (at least that's what they used to call it) where they get to the heart of the family disfunction. I had a friend from an estranged family that become whole again. If she won't go with you, go alone and they will teach you how to deal with this.

Just my opinion or maybe I am completely off-base.

Nightwriter · Jan 13, 2009

It's too bad her illness is becoming a power struggle between the two of you. My first question would be is this a lifelong issue or did things change when the boyfriend came along? Is she acting out because she is misplacing blame on you for losing the boyfriend? Even though the boyfriend was horrible for her, she chose him. If you were always criticizing him, she didn't want hear the truth, and is wrongly angry at you for him being gone. Or even if she's glad he gone, she probably misses him and out of depression doesn't care what happens to herself, because she feels bad to begin with.

And parent would be sick to see a boyfriend bring their daughter down. But even here you called him her loser boyfriend, etc. So no one likes to see themselves proved wrong. It's embarrasing and they feel stupid for making such a poor choice for the world to see. So I were you I would never bring the boyfriend up again ( you did write she is free for the MOST PART). My attitude would be that "I love you, I am always here for you and while it is hard for me to watch you do things that may cost you your life, you are an an adult. I cannot nag you like when you were six. You are the only one that can turn your life around and if you want my help great. I think we can use a cooling off period. Then I'd like to get us help to put ourselves back on track."

Be aware that she is trying to punish you, so you have to put a stop to this right away. She knows she is getting to you. You can't stop her from destroying herself, but you have to learn to deal with her differently. When you react differently to her and her antics, she will change her behavior towards you. There is a type of therapy called family systems (at least that's what they used to call it) where they get to the heart of the family disfunction. I had a friend from an estranged family that become whole again. If she won't go with you, go alone and they will teach you how to deal with this.

Just my opinion or maybe I am completely off-base.

Nightwriter · Jan 13, 2009

It's too bad her illness is becoming a power struggle between the two of you. My first question would be is this a lifelong issue or did things change when the boyfriend came along? Is she acting out because she is misplacing blame on you for losing the boyfriend? Even though the boyfriend was horrible for her, she chose him. If you were always criticizing him, she didn't want hear the truth, and is wrongly angry at you for him being gone. Or even if she's glad he gone, she probably misses him and out of depression doesn't care what happens to herself, because she feels bad to begin with.
 
 And parent would be sick to see a boyfriend bring their daughter down. But even here you called him her loser boyfriend, etc. So no one likes to see themselves proved wrong. It's embarrasing and they feel stupid for making such a poor choice for the world to see. So I were you I would never bring the boyfriend up again ( you did write she is free for the MOST PART). My attitude would be that "I love you, I am always here for you and while it is hard for me to watch you do things that may cost you your life, you are an an adult. I cannot nag you like when you were six. You are the only one that can turn your life around and if you want my help great. I think we can use a cooling off period. Then I'd like to get us help to put ourselves back on track."
 
 Be aware that she is trying to punish you, so you have to put a stop to this right away. She knows she is getting to you. You can't stop her from destroying herself, but you have to learn to deal with her differently. When you react differently to her and her antics, she will change her behavior towards you. There is a type of therapy called family systems (at least that's what they used to call it) where they get to the heart of the family disfunction. I had a friend from an estranged family that become whole again. If she won't go with you, go alone and they will teach you how to deal with this.
 
 Just my opinion or maybe I am completely off-base.

fourkidsmom · Jan 13, 2009

My cf'er is also young- only 7. I worry about this one day-I work so hard to keep him healthy and he does sooo good at all his med's and treatments. I see how being with the wrong person could bring them down, not to meention losing 4 friends in the past year to cf. Just keep doing what you are doing, you sound like a great mom and hopefully she'll get past this stage. I wish I could help you more. Keep us posted!

fourkidsmom · Jan 13, 2009

My cf'er is also young- only 7. I worry about this one day-I work so hard to keep him healthy and he does sooo good at all his med's and treatments. I see how being with the wrong person could bring them down, not to meention losing 4 friends in the past year to cf. Just keep doing what you are doing, you sound like a great mom and hopefully she'll get past this stage. I wish I could help you more. Keep us posted!

fourkidsmom · Jan 13, 2009

My cf'er is also young- only 7. I worry about this one day-I work so hard to keep him healthy and he does sooo good at all his med's and treatments. I see how being with the wrong person could bring them down, not to meention losing 4 friends in the past year to cf. Just keep doing what you are doing, you sound like a great mom and hopefully she'll get past this stage. I wish I could help you more. Keep us posted!

fourkidsmom · Jan 13, 2009

My cf'er is also young- only 7. I worry about this one day-I work so hard to keep him healthy and he does sooo good at all his med's and treatments. I see how being with the wrong person could bring them down, not to meention losing 4 friends in the past year to cf. Just keep doing what you are doing, you sound like a great mom and hopefully she'll get past this stage. I wish I could help you more. Keep us posted!

fourkidsmom · Jan 13, 2009

My cf'er is also young- only 7. I worry about this one day-I work so hard to keep him healthy and he does sooo good at all his med's and treatments. I see how being with the wrong person could bring them down, not to meention losing 4 friends in the past year to cf. Just keep doing what you are doing, you sound like a great mom and hopefully she'll get past this stage. I wish I could help you more. Keep us posted!

Stressed out Mom needs advice. : (

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