Nervous to tell a girl... advice

[mc]

Hi. I am a 30yr old male with CF. I cannot have children naturally.
I have been dating a girl for a while and she knows that I have CF and CF diabetes.
I have not told her yet that I cannot have children naturally.
I am really scared. She always says how she loves kids and I do not want to keep her from being able to have a husband that could give her this.
My issues with CF affect me so much in my head that I often stay away from the idea of marriage. But I really do care for this girl.
She has some health issues as well so I felt more comfortable telling her about my cf and other things and she completely understood and it did not affect how she felt.
But this is different. I almost feel as if I have no right to be with her.
I know that she deserves to have a man that could give her what she wanted
and often I feel like it is downright wrong for me to even consider being with someone and robbing them of these life expeirences.
I don't know how to tell her... and I don't even know if IVF would work... I have heard sometimes it does'nt.
I really need some advice and help with this.
Thank you so much.
MC

 

[mc]

Hi. I am a 30yr old male with CF. I cannot have children naturally.
I have been dating a girl for a while and she knows that I have CF and CF diabetes.
I have not told her yet that I cannot have children naturally.
I am really scared. She always says how she loves kids and I do not want to keep her from being able to have a husband that could give her this.
My issues with CF affect me so much in my head that I often stay away from the idea of marriage. But I really do care for this girl.
She has some health issues as well so I felt more comfortable telling her about my cf and other things and she completely understood and it did not affect how she felt.
But this is different. I almost feel as if I have no right to be with her.
I know that she deserves to have a man that could give her what she wanted
and often I feel like it is downright wrong for me to even consider being with someone and robbing them of these life expeirences.
I don't know how to tell her... and I don't even know if IVF would work... I have heard sometimes it does'nt.
I really need some advice and help with this.
Thank you so much.
MC

 

[mc]

Hi. I am a 30yr old male with CF. I cannot have children naturally.
I have been dating a girl for a while and she knows that I have CF and CF diabetes.
I have not told her yet that I cannot have children naturally.
I am really scared. She always says how she loves kids and I do not want to keep her from being able to have a husband that could give her this.
My issues with CF affect me so much in my head that I often stay away from the idea of marriage. But I really do care for this girl.
She has some health issues as well so I felt more comfortable telling her about my cf and other things and she completely understood and it did not affect how she felt.
But this is different. I almost feel as if I have no right to be with her.
I know that she deserves to have a man that could give her what she wanted
and often I feel like it is downright wrong for me to even consider being with someone and robbing them of these life expeirences.
I don't know how to tell her... and I don't even know if IVF would work... I have heard sometimes it does'nt.
I really need some advice and help with this.
Thank you so much.
MC

 

[JazzysMom]

IF you see this relationship getting serious enough that kids might be an issue you NEED to tell her. I would educate yourself completely first as you have started to do. There are ways for CF men to have biological children as well as adopting children. Both require finances which is probably more of an issue for many people. I have seen many relationships go down the tubes because of someone either being in denial or outright lying about their thoughts or abilities with having kids.

 

[JazzysMom]

IF you see this relationship getting serious enough that kids might be an issue you NEED to tell her. I would educate yourself completely first as you have started to do. There are ways for CF men to have biological children as well as adopting children. Both require finances which is probably more of an issue for many people. I have seen many relationships go down the tubes because of someone either being in denial or outright lying about their thoughts or abilities with having kids.

 

[JazzysMom]

IF you see this relationship getting serious enough that kids might be an issue you NEED to tell her. I would educate yourself completely first as you have started to do. There are ways for CF men to have biological children as well as adopting children. Both require finances which is probably more of an issue for many people. I have seen many relationships go down the tubes because of someone either being in denial or outright lying about their thoughts or abilities with having kids.

 

[Jennifer1981]

Dear MC,

You sound head-over-heels in love with this girl. I soooo happy for you! She loves you for all that you are or else she wouldn't be with you! This is the best advice that I can give you...

I am a happily married 25-year-old female with CF and am currently trying to conceive. I too told my husband, not long after meeting him, that I had CF. He had no problem with it either, like your girlfriend. After 6 months, we became serious, and I knew that engagement was surely heading in my direction. However, I wanted to make absolutely sure that I mentioned about the chance of sterility that I may have had. I too didn't want him to feel like, "I was a burden since I may not be able to provide him with children". He is perfectly normal with no health problems. I sat him down in our bedroom and talked about it for around an hour. To my surprise, he already knew. He said that he had looked into every aspect of CF from the moment I told him! He accepted it without a hitch, and we ended up getting engaged 1 month later and married 6 months later.

Today, my CF is in excellent condition; however, I'm am unable to conceive. I have been trying now for 1.5 years. However, the fertility issue may NOT be related to me at all. IT MIGHT BE HIM! So you NEVER know.

But anyway, back to you. It sounds like she really loves you for you. And it sounds like this is getting VERY serious. I would advise you to sit down, face-to-face, without any possible interruption and tell her. Explain everything leaving no doubt of a question or else there may be problems in the future. It really seems to me that she loves you! I really think that she will accept this. AND YOU DO DESERVE HER! Just b/c you have CF doesn't mean that you don't deserve the right to find true love, get married, and be happy. And if you really want children, there is IVF or adoption. There is something out there for everyone. My husband and I intend to adopt if we don't conceive naturally.

Please take care. If you have any other questions, please feel free to contact me!

Jenny <img src="i/expressions/heart.gif" border="0">

 

[Jennifer1981]

Dear MC,

You sound head-over-heels in love with this girl. I soooo happy for you! She loves you for all that you are or else she wouldn't be with you! This is the best advice that I can give you...

I am a happily married 25-year-old female with CF and am currently trying to conceive. I too told my husband, not long after meeting him, that I had CF. He had no problem with it either, like your girlfriend. After 6 months, we became serious, and I knew that engagement was surely heading in my direction. However, I wanted to make absolutely sure that I mentioned about the chance of sterility that I may have had. I too didn't want him to feel like, "I was a burden since I may not be able to provide him with children". He is perfectly normal with no health problems. I sat him down in our bedroom and talked about it for around an hour. To my surprise, he already knew. He said that he had looked into every aspect of CF from the moment I told him! He accepted it without a hitch, and we ended up getting engaged 1 month later and married 6 months later.

Today, my CF is in excellent condition; however, I'm am unable to conceive. I have been trying now for 1.5 years. However, the fertility issue may NOT be related to me at all. IT MIGHT BE HIM! So you NEVER know.

But anyway, back to you. It sounds like she really loves you for you. And it sounds like this is getting VERY serious. I would advise you to sit down, face-to-face, without any possible interruption and tell her. Explain everything leaving no doubt of a question or else there may be problems in the future. It really seems to me that she loves you! I really think that she will accept this. AND YOU DO DESERVE HER! Just b/c you have CF doesn't mean that you don't deserve the right to find true love, get married, and be happy. And if you really want children, there is IVF or adoption. There is something out there for everyone. My husband and I intend to adopt if we don't conceive naturally.

Please take care. If you have any other questions, please feel free to contact me!

Jenny <img src="i/expressions/heart.gif" border="0">

 

[Jennifer1981]

Dear MC,

You sound head-over-heels in love with this girl. I soooo happy for you! She loves you for all that you are or else she wouldn't be with you! This is the best advice that I can give you...

I am a happily married 25-year-old female with CF and am currently trying to conceive. I too told my husband, not long after meeting him, that I had CF. He had no problem with it either, like your girlfriend. After 6 months, we became serious, and I knew that engagement was surely heading in my direction. However, I wanted to make absolutely sure that I mentioned about the chance of sterility that I may have had. I too didn't want him to feel like, "I was a burden since I may not be able to provide him with children". He is perfectly normal with no health problems. I sat him down in our bedroom and talked about it for around an hour. To my surprise, he already knew. He said that he had looked into every aspect of CF from the moment I told him! He accepted it without a hitch, and we ended up getting engaged 1 month later and married 6 months later.

Today, my CF is in excellent condition; however, I'm am unable to conceive. I have been trying now for 1.5 years. However, the fertility issue may NOT be related to me at all. IT MIGHT BE HIM! So you NEVER know.

But anyway, back to you. It sounds like she really loves you for you. And it sounds like this is getting VERY serious. I would advise you to sit down, face-to-face, without any possible interruption and tell her. Explain everything leaving no doubt of a question or else there may be problems in the future. It really seems to me that she loves you! I really think that she will accept this. AND YOU DO DESERVE HER! Just b/c you have CF doesn't mean that you don't deserve the right to find true love, get married, and be happy. And if you really want children, there is IVF or adoption. There is something out there for everyone. My husband and I intend to adopt if we don't conceive naturally.

Please take care. If you have any other questions, please feel free to contact me!

Jenny <img src="i/expressions/heart.gif" border="0">

 

[mc]

Thanks for the advice.
I will tell her. I did'nt take care of myself that well when I was in high school.
Especially the diabetes part. I know am watching my kidneys.
They are not as good as they should be by any means.
I know that someday I may have to have a kidney transplant.
But one of my specialists seems to think I am ok for now and that I may never need one.. but from what I read on the internet.. once you develop kidney probs with diabetes.. it is inevitable. One of my specialists says this is untrue so I go back and forth worrying about it ALL THE TIME. I guess I can always get a transplant if it is ever needed. I hope that won't have to happen though.

I told her straight up that I have alot of problems and that one day I might not be here. She has a health problem, I won't say what it is out of respect but I have no idea whether it will shorten her life or not.. and frankly it does not matter to me ONE BIT. Of course I want her around for as long as I am around but I guess since I can relate to life threatening problems... I don't push her to talk alot about it. I will be there for her nomatter what.
I do know that there is a chance that even within the next ten years I could have real kidney problems. I pray that this won't happen every night but I am prepared as I can be if it does. I just want to enjoy life for as long as I can.
I really have no idea what to expect in the future.. and I won't lie, it scares me.

But I must be honest with this girl. She is a total sweetheart and deserves nothing less. She keeps saying how she can't believe that she found someone like me and I cannot comprehend what makes her think that. She could find any other guy with no problems at all and have them melt to her.
I am the one who can't believe I met someone like her.
But I am scared of the future. I am scared what she will think. I am scared that I will not be around to give her what she needs. I am scared of HOPING that I will be there.

I will tell her though.
One more question.. does insurance cover IVF? I have blue cross and also medicaid. But if they do not cover it I will need to know that way I can make finacial plans just in case the issue becomes more of a reality.

Thanks for the support and help.
M.C.

 

[mc]

Thanks for the advice.
I will tell her. I did'nt take care of myself that well when I was in high school.
Especially the diabetes part. I know am watching my kidneys.
They are not as good as they should be by any means.
I know that someday I may have to have a kidney transplant.
But one of my specialists seems to think I am ok for now and that I may never need one.. but from what I read on the internet.. once you develop kidney probs with diabetes.. it is inevitable. One of my specialists says this is untrue so I go back and forth worrying about it ALL THE TIME. I guess I can always get a transplant if it is ever needed. I hope that won't have to happen though.

I told her straight up that I have alot of problems and that one day I might not be here. She has a health problem, I won't say what it is out of respect but I have no idea whether it will shorten her life or not.. and frankly it does not matter to me ONE BIT. Of course I want her around for as long as I am around but I guess since I can relate to life threatening problems... I don't push her to talk alot about it. I will be there for her nomatter what.
I do know that there is a chance that even within the next ten years I could have real kidney problems. I pray that this won't happen every night but I am prepared as I can be if it does. I just want to enjoy life for as long as I can.
I really have no idea what to expect in the future.. and I won't lie, it scares me.

But I must be honest with this girl. She is a total sweetheart and deserves nothing less. She keeps saying how she can't believe that she found someone like me and I cannot comprehend what makes her think that. She could find any other guy with no problems at all and have them melt to her.
I am the one who can't believe I met someone like her.
But I am scared of the future. I am scared what she will think. I am scared that I will not be around to give her what she needs. I am scared of HOPING that I will be there.

I will tell her though.
One more question.. does insurance cover IVF? I have blue cross and also medicaid. But if they do not cover it I will need to know that way I can make finacial plans just in case the issue becomes more of a reality.

Thanks for the support and help.
M.C.

 

[mc]

Thanks for the advice.
I will tell her. I did'nt take care of myself that well when I was in high school.
Especially the diabetes part. I know am watching my kidneys.
They are not as good as they should be by any means.
I know that someday I may have to have a kidney transplant.
But one of my specialists seems to think I am ok for now and that I may never need one.. but from what I read on the internet.. once you develop kidney probs with diabetes.. it is inevitable. One of my specialists says this is untrue so I go back and forth worrying about it ALL THE TIME. I guess I can always get a transplant if it is ever needed. I hope that won't have to happen though.

I told her straight up that I have alot of problems and that one day I might not be here. She has a health problem, I won't say what it is out of respect but I have no idea whether it will shorten her life or not.. and frankly it does not matter to me ONE BIT. Of course I want her around for as long as I am around but I guess since I can relate to life threatening problems... I don't push her to talk alot about it. I will be there for her nomatter what.
I do know that there is a chance that even within the next ten years I could have real kidney problems. I pray that this won't happen every night but I am prepared as I can be if it does. I just want to enjoy life for as long as I can.
I really have no idea what to expect in the future.. and I won't lie, it scares me.

But I must be honest with this girl. She is a total sweetheart and deserves nothing less. She keeps saying how she can't believe that she found someone like me and I cannot comprehend what makes her think that. She could find any other guy with no problems at all and have them melt to her.
I am the one who can't believe I met someone like her.
But I am scared of the future. I am scared what she will think. I am scared that I will not be around to give her what she needs. I am scared of HOPING that I will be there.

I will tell her though.
One more question.. does insurance cover IVF? I have blue cross and also medicaid. But if they do not cover it I will need to know that way I can make finacial plans just in case the issue becomes more of a reality.

Thanks for the support and help.
M.C.

 

[blondelawyer]

My husband has CF and I actaully can't remember if the infertility issue was something that he told me, or something that I found through my research (it was a long time ago). Anyway, I completely agree that you must tell her and tell her soon. I know that when I found out, I thought "Man that really sucks", but it didn't change how I felt about my husband or whether I wanted to marry him, etc. We have struggled with the issue of whether to have kids, whether through adoption or IVF, and it has been really difficult. But the way I see it, you could have problems with having children without CF--at least with CF you know that it will be an issue up front and can "plan accordingly"--as much as that is possible. For us, the more difficult issue is not the "how" of having kids, it is whether we want to go that route because of my husband's health and the issues that raises.

For your other question--sometimes insurances covers IVF, but many insurance companies do not cover IVF, you will have to look at your plan. The cost also varies, but I have heard that $10k to $15k a try is a good benchmark. Check out Julie's site that is posted above, she has a lot of very helpful information about IVF.

Good luck with everything!

Lisa

 

[blondelawyer]

My husband has CF and I actaully can't remember if the infertility issue was something that he told me, or something that I found through my research (it was a long time ago). Anyway, I completely agree that you must tell her and tell her soon. I know that when I found out, I thought "Man that really sucks", but it didn't change how I felt about my husband or whether I wanted to marry him, etc. We have struggled with the issue of whether to have kids, whether through adoption or IVF, and it has been really difficult. But the way I see it, you could have problems with having children without CF--at least with CF you know that it will be an issue up front and can "plan accordingly"--as much as that is possible. For us, the more difficult issue is not the "how" of having kids, it is whether we want to go that route because of my husband's health and the issues that raises.

For your other question--sometimes insurances covers IVF, but many insurance companies do not cover IVF, you will have to look at your plan. The cost also varies, but I have heard that $10k to $15k a try is a good benchmark. Check out Julie's site that is posted above, she has a lot of very helpful information about IVF.

Good luck with everything!

Lisa

 

[blondelawyer]

My husband has CF and I actaully can't remember if the infertility issue was something that he told me, or something that I found through my research (it was a long time ago). Anyway, I completely agree that you must tell her and tell her soon. I know that when I found out, I thought "Man that really sucks", but it didn't change how I felt about my husband or whether I wanted to marry him, etc. We have struggled with the issue of whether to have kids, whether through adoption or IVF, and it has been really difficult. But the way I see it, you could have problems with having children without CF--at least with CF you know that it will be an issue up front and can "plan accordingly"--as much as that is possible. For us, the more difficult issue is not the "how" of having kids, it is whether we want to go that route because of my husband's health and the issues that raises.

For your other question--sometimes insurances covers IVF, but many insurance companies do not cover IVF, you will have to look at your plan. The cost also varies, but I have heard that $10k to $15k a try is a good benchmark. Check out Julie's site that is posted above, she has a lot of very helpful information about IVF.

Good luck with everything!

Lisa

 

[wanderlust]

I'm so happy for you - sounds like you found your one. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">

My husband has CF, but we only found out about it after we were married. If she loves you, she'll be in it for the long haul, CF or IVF be damned.

On the IVF front, fewer than 10% of insurance companies cover it. Typically, the IVF itself is $10,000, meds for her $3000, sperm retrieval for you $1000. She'll need to get tested to see if she's a carrier (if it's not covered, could be up to $1000); if she is covered, you'll want to do PGD on the embryo to make sure that your child is just a carrier and doesn't have two mutations (another $5000).

I know it sounds daunting, but there are ways. For instance, some clinics get meds donated back to them (from couples who didnt need them)... we're in the Midwest, but I found a clinic in New York that does IVF for $5500 - nearly half what we would pay here. You know the saying: where there's a will, there's a way.

For us, we invested in some rental property 3 years ago - we'll likely sell it in two years to cover the cost of IVF as well as pay off my student loans. It sounds like you've got some time to lay the groundwork for all this - I wish you all the best!

Jen

 

[wanderlust]

I'm so happy for you - sounds like you found your one. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">

My husband has CF, but we only found out about it after we were married. If she loves you, she'll be in it for the long haul, CF or IVF be damned.

On the IVF front, fewer than 10% of insurance companies cover it. Typically, the IVF itself is $10,000, meds for her $3000, sperm retrieval for you $1000. She'll need to get tested to see if she's a carrier (if it's not covered, could be up to $1000); if she is covered, you'll want to do PGD on the embryo to make sure that your child is just a carrier and doesn't have two mutations (another $5000).

I know it sounds daunting, but there are ways. For instance, some clinics get meds donated back to them (from couples who didnt need them)... we're in the Midwest, but I found a clinic in New York that does IVF for $5500 - nearly half what we would pay here. You know the saying: where there's a will, there's a way.

For us, we invested in some rental property 3 years ago - we'll likely sell it in two years to cover the cost of IVF as well as pay off my student loans. It sounds like you've got some time to lay the groundwork for all this - I wish you all the best!

Jen

 

[wanderlust]

I'm so happy for you - sounds like you found your one. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">

My husband has CF, but we only found out about it after we were married. If she loves you, she'll be in it for the long haul, CF or IVF be damned.

On the IVF front, fewer than 10% of insurance companies cover it. Typically, the IVF itself is $10,000, meds for her $3000, sperm retrieval for you $1000. She'll need to get tested to see if she's a carrier (if it's not covered, could be up to $1000); if she is covered, you'll want to do PGD on the embryo to make sure that your child is just a carrier and doesn't have two mutations (another $5000).

I know it sounds daunting, but there are ways. For instance, some clinics get meds donated back to them (from couples who didnt need them)... we're in the Midwest, but I found a clinic in New York that does IVF for $5500 - nearly half what we would pay here. You know the saying: where there's a will, there's a way.

For us, we invested in some rental property 3 years ago - we'll likely sell it in two years to cover the cost of IVF as well as pay off my student loans. It sounds like you've got some time to lay the groundwork for all this - I wish you all the best!

Jen

 

[julie]

It sounds as though you already know what you need to do. You really do need to tell her about the infertility factor. As difficult as it is for you to share, it's not fair of you to knowingly keep that from her.

I remember when we foung out about my husband. I won't lie, I was devistated, heartbroken. Of all the things, now this is added to "his/our" pile, as if CF by itself isn't enough, now this is another CF factor... It just isn't fair. But I would never leave him because of that. As someone else put, where there is a will there is a way. It may not happen as soon as you want, but you can make kids a part of your life someday.

Ultimately it will be her choice to stay or go, but don't ever feel that you are keeping her from a man "who can give her what she wanted" (in your words). It's her choice and if she stays, it's because she WANTS to be there. This is something that I know my husband struggles with. But the point that I have to drive into his head is that I want to be with him. And if I didn't, I would leave. But I WANT to be with him. And I can guarantee you that if this woman really loves you, she will WANT to be with you regardless as well. It doesn't mean the truth about the infertility won't hurt and be hard for her, but if she's there for the right reasons now, she'll stay.

Guide her to this site too. There are many wives/partners here who can help her and support her and give her advice. We are all here going through many of the same things all together.

As far as your questios about IVF not working. If it is a male factor infertility ONLY issue, then the success rate is high for a pregnancy. If you look at most of the statistics provided on infertility related websites and or Dr.s offices who provide their success rates, 99% of those are from female factor infertilty. And female factor infertility is a LOT more complicated than CF male factor infertilty. There are so many variables and unknowns with most female infertility. With male factor infertility, there is a clear and concise reason.

Of the 4 families I know personally who've done IVF for male factor infertility, only 1 familiy had to do a frozen embryo transfer after the first "fresh" cycle didn't work, the frozen cycle did. They went on to do another fresh cycle that didn't work either, and did another frozen cycle that DID work. So 2 failed fresh cycles and 2 successful frozen cycles. More than likely that had to do with HER body.

if you have any specific IVF questions that you can think of now, I'm happy to anser them.

 

[julie]

It sounds as though you already know what you need to do. You really do need to tell her about the infertility factor. As difficult as it is for you to share, it's not fair of you to knowingly keep that from her.

I remember when we foung out about my husband. I won't lie, I was devistated, heartbroken. Of all the things, now this is added to "his/our" pile, as if CF by itself isn't enough, now this is another CF factor... It just isn't fair. But I would never leave him because of that. As someone else put, where there is a will there is a way. It may not happen as soon as you want, but you can make kids a part of your life someday.

Ultimately it will be her choice to stay or go, but don't ever feel that you are keeping her from a man "who can give her what she wanted" (in your words). It's her choice and if she stays, it's because she WANTS to be there. This is something that I know my husband struggles with. But the point that I have to drive into his head is that I want to be with him. And if I didn't, I would leave. But I WANT to be with him. And I can guarantee you that if this woman really loves you, she will WANT to be with you regardless as well. It doesn't mean the truth about the infertility won't hurt and be hard for her, but if she's there for the right reasons now, she'll stay.

Guide her to this site too. There are many wives/partners here who can help her and support her and give her advice. We are all here going through many of the same things all together.

As far as your questios about IVF not working. If it is a male factor infertility ONLY issue, then the success rate is high for a pregnancy. If you look at most of the statistics provided on infertility related websites and or Dr.s offices who provide their success rates, 99% of those are from female factor infertilty. And female factor infertility is a LOT more complicated than CF male factor infertilty. There are so many variables and unknowns with most female infertility. With male factor infertility, there is a clear and concise reason.

Of the 4 families I know personally who've done IVF for male factor infertility, only 1 familiy had to do a frozen embryo transfer after the first "fresh" cycle didn't work, the frozen cycle did. They went on to do another fresh cycle that didn't work either, and did another frozen cycle that DID work. So 2 failed fresh cycles and 2 successful frozen cycles. More than likely that had to do with HER body.

if you have any specific IVF questions that you can think of now, I'm happy to anser them.