Adoption *warning* maybe controversial

[Purplelungs]

I think I am about to start a controversial topic. But I just have to know.
Why is it some people want a baby so badly they will spend tons of money on fertility and the like to get pregnant when there are thousands of babies out there not lucky enough to have parents, babies that need homes.
I can understand more in the case of a cf man wanting a baby witha non cf woman, although there is still a risk of children with CF or passing the gene...And yes I have thought how neat it would be to be pregnant....but I would rather adopt because I couldnt live with myself if I passed CF on to my children.
Why is it you are willing to spend lots of money to have another "genetically altered" child if the parents have the genes and a cf child already....but not spend money to give a needy child a home?
I am serious...I dont understand....maybe I dont have enough mother instinct (although I am told I am a "mother hen"). Can someone explain this to me? Do some people have such a strong parenting instinct?

 

[anonymous]

I don't think it can be explained or needs to be. Some people just want offspring that are their own flesh and blood.

 

[anonymous]

I think it's great that you know how you'd prefer to have kids if and when you do. The simple answer to your question: not everyone thinks as you do. The long answer:

1. Fertility treatments are great options for some people - Some people would pay anything to have a child of their own
2. Adoption is a great option for some people
3. Having no children is a great option for some people

From my research on adoption, it is not as simple as there being an abundance of unadopted babies out there. There are more parents-to-be on wait lists than there are available healthy babies. If someone has tens of thousands of dollars, is able to make multiple week-long trips to a foreign country (or wait longer on a US list), and is ok with adopting a child that may be a toddler or school age child - adoption is for them! If they'd be willing to bring a child with special needs in their home they'd have no wait and may even be able to adopt a newborn. There are many people that have the strong desire to have influence on their child from the beginning (which is the womb to some) - adoption's not going to cut it.

It takes all of the above people to make the world go round. There's no right way. I'm guessing by your comment about "pregnancy would be neat" and your insistance on not passing on the gene that you're in the #2 or #3 category? I'm curious of your age and if you have a significant other? I thought as you did before I fell in love and got married. I also used to think transplant was a rediculous idea - talk about genetically altering . . . My beliefs have changed.

Best of luck in any event!

Jason 30 w/cf

 

[JennaB]

I used to feel the same way you used to. I didn't understand why even fertile people would want to have a baby when there were so many out there to adopt.

But now, I'd give anything to be able to have a baby.

 

[anonymous]

It also comes down to people being scared of getting a child that may grow up to be something that they may not "bargain for". Yea, this may seem awful because anyone can have a child that can turn out that way, but the "real" parents can take the blame for being genetic....adoptive parents may blame the genetic parents....there is much more to consider than adopting (and spending a lot of money) or doing PGD with invitro (and spending a lot of money). This probably didn't help you at all, but this is how I think......best of luck to all those out there that are planning on adopting AND those that are planning otherwise!!!!!!!!!!<img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0"><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"><img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">

 

[Emily65Roses]

Well Mike and I are aware of our options, when it comes down to wanting to have kids. We are first going to look into IVF and surrogacy, for reasons I will tell you shortly. But after that, if we can't afford it, or it's just too much, adoption will be where we go.

As far as trying for IVF and surrogacy first... I personally want "my own" kids. I know that sounds terrible. But ever since I've been robbed of carrying kids myself, I've wanted it more than ever. Besides, if my sister or someone carries my baby, I can at least be there for the pregnancy. And also, having discussed the issue with Mike... He knows I won't be around for as long as I "should" be. I guess the best way to put it, is that he wants a little piece of me in our kids running around after I'm gone. A little boy or girl who has my eyes, or my hair, or my smile. You know?

That's the best I can do to explain it from here. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

I also think people do it just to have a child of their own, especially if they have a deep love for their partner, they want to share that gift of life with him or her. It just depends on the person I guess. Like me, I thought about adopting for a long time, but that was because I was scared that if I had children, it would kill me, but I finally realized I wanted a child of my own flesh and blood and I was willing to take the chance and it worked out great.

 

[serendipity730]

I have never really understood why people go to such great lengths to have a child of their own, either. I plan to try to have my own children, but I am pretty sure I wouldn't try IVF if that's what is necessary. Thankfully, my fiancee isn't a carrier, so I won't have to worry about the baby having CF. I would like have two children. I hope that I am able to conceive once, and then depending on how the pregnancies goes, I might adopt the next time around.

 

[anonymous]

I have to go along with some of what emily said. My husband may not be around until old age (then again he might be) and I would like to have a little reminder of him (or reminders) running around my house. I would totally consider adoption, although I would also love to be pregnant, feel that baby grow in my stomach over 9 months, believe it or not I DO want to experience labor and see my newborn and hold them first (myself or my husband).

My husband on the other hand is resistant to the idea of adoption. He never really has disclosed exactly why to me, other than telling me his PERSONAL experiences with adopted kids and the problems that they had growing up. I have explained to him, everybody has problems, but HIS opinion is that adoption makes some people feel rejected (by their birth parents), makes them resentful, makes them act out and lash out.... and I can see his point because although I do know people who have been adopted and think it's the best thing in the world, I also know others who are angry, hate the world... whether this is related to the adoption or not nobody will really ever know, but that is his stance and I respect his opinion and don't want to "push" him into something he doesn't want.

Julie

 

[tessa55454]

You know, I think Jason is right on it, that it's different for everyone. We all come from different experiences, and we usually go towards something that we had a really good experience with, or we do it because the other options could have been something we experienced, either by people we know or heard and want to go the other route. If that makes sense..

I have always personally have had a difficult time understanding why people want to get pregnant so terribly. I can understand parts of it: genetically looking like a parent, being pregnant and the amazement of that, etc.

My heart goes out to the kids out there that don't have any homes, and that could have one. I understand it's hard an expensive to apopt, which is unfortunate. Then there are so many people out there not planning and get pregnant willy-nilly and there kids go through a hell of a lot. A lot of things in life don't make sense.

Myself personally have always known that I will not have children. I rememer when I was really young and telling my mom for she understood that she wasn't going to have grandchildren from me personally, posssibly adoption. She still gets that. Before my partner, and I was dating boys, even though that was my destined future in the long run, I got my tubes-tied when I was in my early 20's. People kept saying what a big decision that was, and it wasn't for me. I did it, and it was done. The reason I believe is because I have known for ever really that I could bare to possibly bring a child into this world that could have CF. My health is so difficult to keep regulated as is, I think it would be very traumatic for my body. With the surgery even, they almost kept me overnight, even though it was suppose to be routine. I understand there's always possibly of problems occuring, of course, but my oxygen stats were all over the place. I didn't get out of the post surgery room for almost 10 hours, which was 5pm, and I was suppose to be home at noon. I didn't get home until after 7pm. That was just a little forshadowing for myself and how delicate my body is to change. It's hard for me to travel in a car, let alone to go through a pregnancy.

Tessa 27 w/cf

I wish everyone the best though if they want to get pregnant. All these challenges you know...good times. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[Purplelungs]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really was curious and didnt want to start anything.
Jason I am 22 and happily married for 3 years. Before we got married we had discussed children. For now we are the number 3 category....and probably will stay there. I would love to have kids....yes I know "pregnancy would be neat" was the wrong phrase to use, I should have elaborated. Like others here I would love to experience pregnancy, life growing in me, taking care of my baby, watching them grow up, helping them with homework. But like Tessa my health is to up and down and I always knew that no matter how badly I would want to be pregnant it wouldnt happen...and if it did I probably wouldnt last long after the pregnancy and I didnt want to leave a child with out a mom at a young age. I know that we dont know the future and kids out there lose their parents all the time...but if you know your chances before hand, I guess I am not a risky person. I know I said before and still say I would be devestated if I knowingly went through a pregnancy and passed cf on to my child. PGD (is that right) sounds like an awesome way to hopefully get a CF free child. I was just really curious why more people dont adopt. I guess I was under the impression that PGD and all that feritily stuff was just as expensive as adoption, obviously I am wrong.
Please no one get upset at my question. I was just wondering what drove people with this subject. Mainly because I talked to a person once before, not here and not even sick....that they were having problems getting pregnant and all their reasons to do the fertility sounded so selfish....nothing like i want a peice of my spouse/bf/gf....not I want the joy of pregnancy and raising my child...they sounded more like they just wanted the attention...and they did (family member that did this). I know not everyone is like that, it just distrubed me she wanted a baby just for attention. Like I said I just wanted to know what others thoughts were.

 

[supermanfan]

The most important thing I see here is that you shouldn't be afraid to pass on the CF gene. As long as your spouse is tested negative, and as long as people are tested for such there isn't a problem with passing the gene on. We know more than we ever did. Any body should have a test done before thinking of having a baby first!!!

 

[anonymous]

Hi everyone,

I too experienced that maternal urge to try and have our own biological child. Given that, I would have never had the experience of adopting our little girl. In our case, the experience was so rewarding that had we known it would have turned out this way, we would have completely side-stepped fertility treatments.

Yes, adoption is just as expensive as fertility treatments. But the sure thing is that in the end you are guaranteed a child.

Yes, it is highly likely that my daughter will experience pain from knowing that her biological parents abandoned her. However, don't we all live with some sort of pain in our lives (for example, living with CF).

Please understand that I am not trying to impose adoption on anyone. This is just my view based on our adoption experience.

Dxat35.

 

[anonymous]

23, married female with CF. My greatest dream is to be a parent. My husband and I both love the idea of adoption. One thing I'll say, you both have to be united on this topic as husband and wife. Whether you have a biological child, or adopted one. We decided for us, we don't want to pass on my genes. Additionally, pregnancy and labor could seriously tire and damage my lungs and organs. Why strain my body in such a way, when it could prevent me from being able to play, run after, and be with my child in the first place? I was adopted when I was 6, by parents who knew fully of my CF. This is one of the most personal decisions you can make.

However, I am baffled as to why people here are describing biological children as "their own." I am my parent's "own" child. And my children will be the creation of me and my husband's "own" hearts.

 

[Allie]

I have an adopted daughter too, and I struggle with this same question. I know that my daughter has a better life with me than if she had stayed with her mother, young as she was, and sometimes it makes me feel....bad almost, that people consider adoption a 'last resort'. Like my daughter and I's relationship is somehow, 'last' , and it does hurt me in a weird way when people descirbe their biological children as their 'own' , because I consider Ahava to be mine in every way.

And yes, I don't understand the fertility treaments thing, really. It's so expensive, and no guarantees, and I can't concieve it in my head. But it's not my life, I guess.

And not wanting to pass on your genes isn't stupid, it's just a different choice than some of you choose. Ry was the same way, he wanted to make sure this thing didn't show up in his grandchildren, etc.

Just some thoughts....

 

[kybert]

people want mini me's, simple as that. like some people here and cant fathom why people waste big bucks on fertility. to me, a defenceless child needing a home is far more important than bringing an extra child into this world just so it can have my genes. not that id ever be a parent as im too far gone, but if i did want to be one adoption is the first and only choice for me. a child is a child regardless of whether it is blood or not and they all need the same thing.

 

[thelizardqueen]

I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and say that some women want to go through the actual childbirth. They want to carry that child inside of them for 9 months, feel it grow, go through all the things that pregnant women do. I know that's why I want to have a child of my own.

 

[Faust]

I have no real idea (I read his post like 3 times) what point he is trying to make. Tomorrow I will wake up, with a hangover, but sober, and read this thread again, and then give some kind of opinion. But I seriously have no idea what he was trying to say. I know adoption was the main idea of the post, but aside from that, no idea. I hope he made more sense to others.

 

[JazzysMom]

Having never thought I wanted a biological child until I got pregnant I can say that the pregnancy & chilldbirth (although in my case c section) are just a fraction of what motherhood is all about. I was fortunate to enjoy my pregnancy & have no major problems. What took its toll on me was when the "real" mothering began. Getting up all hours of the night, calming a sick infant, a scared toddler or injured youngster. My husband has adopted children from his first marriage & I have to say although he doesnt dodge his responsibilities (they are grown & he is a Grandpa now), it is quite evident to me that in his mind they are definitely different relationships. I realize that my daughter has lived with her Dad all of her life of 7 years where his other daughter didnt have that benefit. He & his ex split shortly after the adoption went thru. That seperation added to the lack of bonding. I can also say that I have known many people who have had foster kids &/or adopted & they are just as much of the family as their biological kids. I at this point am interested in adopting an older child. My main reason for that is seeing how hard it is to get these older kids homes compared to newborns & infants. There is no right or wrong answer, but I do ??? the fertility stuff also. I have friends from high school that didnt pregnant as their planned time frame dictated so they went with fertility. One girl lost 2 sets of twins before finally giving birth to a health set of twin girls. It just amazed me that she went thru all of that. I am not her & she is not me so there you have it!!!!!

 

[anonymous]

Amanda, This is the same discussion I have had with my husband, "a baby is a baby, there are millions of needy babys who NEED a family...". His explanation to me is this: "I want to try for a biological baby first, just once and if it works, wonderful! If it doesn't, then lets look into our options of adopting".

At this point I would adopt in heartbeat, seriousl, but I think that there is also a lot of time involved in the process, just as much money if you go with an agency vice a family that you know where a teen is giving birth or something, (like in Allie and Ryan's situation, that would be ideal). You have to have "home" visits, you get a credit check, a criminal background check and it takes time, lots of time sometimes. Additionally, I want a BABY, 2 months or younger. That is VERY difficult and pricey to find, many of those available for adoption in the near future or immediate adoption are 3, 4, 5 year old kids.

Not at all offended by your question though nor do I thin it should turn into a controversial topic but it always seems to <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">. Hopefully this might give you a bit of insight into why someone would consider a pricey medical procedure first.