a bit of advice(please look)

[anonymous]

hi all,
i need a bit of advice. I recently broke up with my fiancee of 3 yearsI(on and off for 5) a little while ago and i really need some advice. we split up becuase i found out she cheated on me. Now i wish i could just walk away and have a normal break up but i can't becuae she is very sick and starting to go downhill. I've Stuck by her since day one wich is nearly 5 years ago and asked about EVERY single hospital visit and whenever she was in hodpital i would visit everyday i learnt how to do her iv's so that i could do them for her when she was tired i and i just can't switch off being concerned about her health.

She has said that she didn't fight for me(when i found out that she had cheated)becuase it will be easier for me in the long run, she said she's trying to protect me.Now don't get me wrong i can see her side of it and why she feels like it but i really don't care what happens in the long run.I know what will eventually happen but once i'm with her and to hold her hand when she's scared i didn't care. My one thing that would get me through her death(whenever it came)was the comfort of knowing i was there with her and holding her hand and being a comfort and now thats been taken away. I don't have the one thing that was going to get me through it. I pushed my feelings aside so i could make her happy and not scared and be there for her. I have since told her this and she said she never knew this(well i was hardly going to say oh this is how i'm gonna cope with your death). She said she thought she was doing the right thing but she has now reallised that what she has done is going to hurt me 10 times more as i won't be there/ i hope this makes sense.

Anyways i have about a millions things in my head
A) just have no contact at all that try get over her.--however by doing this i could regret it whenever the time comes and she dies and we never cleared the air to a person i was engaged to and loved so so much.
B)stay friends and ask about hospital visits and go visit her--however she has a new bf(the person she cheated with)--which also brings another problem i CAN'T and WON't stick by her and be concern over her health and visit her if she is going to still be with that other bf(anyone else but him-who she also got with a week after we split and when i said u got over me prety quick she said no i'm just not wasting the time i don't have(i'm not taking that crap)) i wont be second place and a fool.
C) things have also been make extra complicated as she came over the other day for a chat and we ended up kissing.The following day she came over again to sort out the kiss and well we ended up going even further. I couldn't help myself after everthing she's done to cheat on my while we where engaged and to now be witht hat persona nd i gave in so easily but its because i'm so in love with her.
D) she was recently told that she is now resistant to all the meds and nothign will kill of her infections witch makes it even harder to walk away.

So i need a cfer's point of view.what is she doing.what is she feeling. I know she's very deprest (so am i )and she knows what shes lost, as she says her soulmate and that she will never find anyone who cared and did so much for me as i did. So should i have a clean break and regret it when the end comes or stay friends and be concerned. oh i just don't know. I will never ever get back with this person i was willing to give my life and know that she wouldn't be there for all of it and she threw everythig back in my face.

Please please when you reply i don't want any bad comments(why i'm saying this i don't know but i'm a mess and don't know what to say) or i'm being stupid or anything like that my heads a mess and i'm in a terrible state and i just ned advice not critism.
thanks and i hope it made sense
:-(

 

[anonymous]

I do not have CF but my daughter did. She passed away last year and she had a boyfriend that she pushed away because she knew she was dying. In the end he was there and he understood that she pushed him away. Maybe that is what your girlfriend is doing also. I know this is hard for you to understand but I know my daughter thought she was protecting him at her own expense. I don't know if this is true in your case but it is something to think about.

 

[anonymous]

Hi,

You sound like such a sweet and amazing guy. Your GF was very lucky to have you. I hate cheating above all things in this world. I am sorry that that happend to you. Really this is your choice what you are willing to put up with. I am not sure how sorry she is since she is still with the other guy. In all fairness to your GF, I don't know her, and I don't know what her reasons were for doing what she did.

I have CF and I would never want someone to stay with me because they felt like I was dying. (which I am not btw) Just because someone has CF does not negate the fact that they are responsible for their actions. She should not have cheated on you for any reason period. If she wasn't happy she should have opened her mouth and talked about it. I think the best thing you can do for a person with a chronic disease is treat them with the same expectations (emotionally speaking not physically) that you would of a non chronically sick person.

I am not saying that she is or has in the past, but I hope she doesn't use her sickness as an excuse for her actions. What ever you decide, it has to come from within, don't sell yourself short and don't put your lifes desires and lifes plans on hold for someone who is not giving to you as much as she gives to you.

Good luck,

Jennifer 32 w/ CF and Addison's

 

[anonymous]

She said that she was just really drunk when it happened however she also meet up with him a second time. she went to visit him in hospital he has cf to and they kissed again.
I'm defo not staying with her or getting back with her cos she's dying. She sometimes used her sickness to break plans cos she wasn't well but i took that all in. it was fine.
I just so so scared that if i stop contact that i will regret it in the long run and things haven't been cleared.

 

[Purplelungs]

Then dont break contact. If you think its going to bother you so badly then still talk to her. After all its hard for anyone to just forget everything and stop loving after 5 years. Just be sure your protecting yourself from getting hurt more. If that means only phone calls and thats it. That may help you to ease off and break off contact. Who knows. But I agree with Jennifer. Whatever happens has to come from your own heart even though it is aching now.

 

[wallflower]

Annon, this would be hard for anyone to go through, with or without the cf. Having cf, it can be very hard to know that you will cause heartache to someone you love because of health complications, and that they may have to give up time and interests to help care for you or watch you pass. However, it is also a lame excuse to keep someone on a leash so they can draw comfort whenever they want, and fool themselves that you are actually "free" to go your own way so that your sadness is not her fault.

Part of being in a committed relationship is that both partners are emotionally mature enough to handle all the aspects of what the future may bring - good and bad. This means dealing with issues by talking to your partner about fears and the unknown. If that is uncomfortable, then seeking a social worker or counsler. Resorting to an affair shows an inability to face and deal with problems, putting the burden on your shoulders.

Please remember that you are important too. Until she can commit to you (I don't care who you are, staying friends with someone you cheated with is poor taste and will always cause you to doubt), you need to distance yourself and move on to someone that values you as much as you value and love them.

Because it seems like you want to work things out, you need to have a serious talk with her about what your relationship will be. Do it somewhere public so you won't be tempted to give in and get physical. Then, give each other a break so that you both can really think about it. A break means no vists or calls, but doesn't mean that you are offically "broken up." Not having contact (whatever the timeframe), can help you clear your mind to think without being distracted by knowing that shes going to call in an hour, etc.

I am a little disturbed that she cheated with another cfer, especially since she is so ill. That kind of contact with a cfer in her state of health can make her even sicker <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-frown.gif" border="0">

BE STRONG and best of luck.

33 w/cf fully committed to a wonderful man <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">