An indirectly CF related problem

[Allie]

Long story short, my daughter had an event at school today for fathers in her preschool. She brought her uncle Darius as Ry's sort of 'stand in'. Unfortunately, I live in a bastion of 2 parent families, so she was the only one there without an actual father present. She withdrew from the entire thing, and spent most of it sitting quietly and looking at her Dad's picture that she had brought to show the class.

Later, her and I got to talking about how she didn't have a very good time. My daughter is incredibly quick and intelligent, and sometimes this is a problem. She, as before, asked me why her Dad had to die. I went on with my usual explanation about how he had been very sick, which usually placates her for the time being. Not so this time. She asked why he had to get sick. I told her the truth, I didn't know. She asked, heartbreakingly, if it was something she had done. Of course, I assured her it wasn't anything any of us did or didn't do. It just was. But this seems to really be upsetting her as to why this all happened only to her. She seems to feel very personally persecuted by the whole thing.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to say to her? I am out of ideas.

 

[Allie]

Long story short, my daughter had an event at school today for fathers in her preschool. She brought her uncle Darius as Ry's sort of 'stand in'. Unfortunately, I live in a bastion of 2 parent families, so she was the only one there without an actual father present. She withdrew from the entire thing, and spent most of it sitting quietly and looking at her Dad's picture that she had brought to show the class.

Later, her and I got to talking about how she didn't have a very good time. My daughter is incredibly quick and intelligent, and sometimes this is a problem. She, as before, asked me why her Dad had to die. I went on with my usual explanation about how he had been very sick, which usually placates her for the time being. Not so this time. She asked why he had to get sick. I told her the truth, I didn't know. She asked, heartbreakingly, if it was something she had done. Of course, I assured her it wasn't anything any of us did or didn't do. It just was. But this seems to really be upsetting her as to why this all happened only to her. She seems to feel very personally persecuted by the whole thing.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to say to her? I am out of ideas.

 

[anonymous]

Allie,
I wish I had some advice about how to help your daughter through this. Your story broke my heart, and my thoughts will be with you.
Mary

 

[anonymous]

Allie,
I wish I had some advice about how to help your daughter through this. Your story broke my heart, and my thoughts will be with you.
Mary

 

[debs2girls]

Allie, I am so sorry you two have to go through this...your story also broke my heart...I am having a brain lapse at the moment on titles but there are some really good books out that might help Ahava learn how to cope a little better and to understand the whys and what fors.....
I sure hope so...
Debbie

 

[debs2girls]

Allie, I am so sorry you two have to go through this...your story also broke my heart...I am having a brain lapse at the moment on titles but there are some really good books out that might help Ahava learn how to cope a little better and to understand the whys and what fors.....
I sure hope so...
Debbie

 

[littledebbie]

Ouch, that makes my heart hurt. At least you guys can talk about it. I will be praying for both of you.
**Big hug to you and Ahava**

 

[littledebbie]

Ouch, that makes my heart hurt. At least you guys can talk about it. I will be praying for both of you.
**Big hug to you and Ahava**

 

[luke]

wow...that is heart breaking. I have nothing to say....except I am sorry.

luke

 

[luke]

wow...that is heart breaking. I have nothing to say....except I am sorry.

luke

 

[JazzysMom]

I am so sorry Allie. Reality is setting in a bit more now for her. I hate to share more misery with her, but did you think of explaining about different illnesses or events (without too much detail of course) that left other children without a mom/dad so she knows she isnt the only one in the world? This might not work since her "world" is her school etc which makes her the only one...I realize this. There must be books available. I wish I had an easy solution for you & Ahava, I really do!

 

[JazzysMom]

I am so sorry Allie. Reality is setting in a bit more now for her. I hate to share more misery with her, but did you think of explaining about different illnesses or events (without too much detail of course) that left other children without a mom/dad so she knows she isnt the only one in the world? This might not work since her "world" is her school etc which makes her the only one...I realize this. There must be books available. I wish I had an easy solution for you & Ahava, I really do!

 

[Diana]

Your thread has certainly brought a tear to my eye....it's one of those ones where it leaves you thinking about your own family and all the 'what if's'.

Any advice given is obviously going to be easier said than done but my suggestion would be to really include Ry's memory as much as possible in your daughters day. Refer to past stories regularly because as sad as the situation is, it will allow your daughter to feel like he is still there in some shape or form. You may already do this and it will not remove your daughters sadness but she will know it is ok to talk about those things that get her down. It really is a hard topic for any young child to deal with and I don't think anything could significantly make it easier.

I can remember growing up believing nothing and no one could come close in comparison to my dad, yes I loved my mum dearly, but my dad was my hero. No doubt she feels the same but doesn't know how to fill the void now he is gone- so surround her in memories. Put up a new photo of Ry she may not have seen before and tell her the story behind it, tell her about the things he could do better than everyone else...I guess it might give her a reason to stand up in front of other kids and their fathers next time and tell them how great her dad was.

My love and prayers truly go out to you both. I can tell just by reading your comments that you are a wonderful person and Ahava will not be short of hero's to look up to as long as she has you.

 

[Diana]

Your thread has certainly brought a tear to my eye....it's one of those ones where it leaves you thinking about your own family and all the 'what if's'.

Any advice given is obviously going to be easier said than done but my suggestion would be to really include Ry's memory as much as possible in your daughters day. Refer to past stories regularly because as sad as the situation is, it will allow your daughter to feel like he is still there in some shape or form. You may already do this and it will not remove your daughters sadness but she will know it is ok to talk about those things that get her down. It really is a hard topic for any young child to deal with and I don't think anything could significantly make it easier.

I can remember growing up believing nothing and no one could come close in comparison to my dad, yes I loved my mum dearly, but my dad was my hero. No doubt she feels the same but doesn't know how to fill the void now he is gone- so surround her in memories. Put up a new photo of Ry she may not have seen before and tell her the story behind it, tell her about the things he could do better than everyone else...I guess it might give her a reason to stand up in front of other kids and their fathers next time and tell them how great her dad was.

My love and prayers truly go out to you both. I can tell just by reading your comments that you are a wonderful person and Ahava will not be short of hero's to look up to as long as she has you.

 

[anonymous]

Hi Allie

Perhaps you could call up your local CFF office and see if you can take her to a support group and possibly meet children. She can learn about CF that way. Then after she is old enough to understand the concept of age with disease she will understand that her Dad did live his adult life and wanted to have children no matter what the circumstances would be. I think eventually she will have a greater appreciation for him and not feel like it could be her fault or whatever the case may be.


Maybe a few of us could write a letter to her explaining what CF is like and how we look at life.

here goes from me

Dear Ahava

I only know about you from your Precious Mommy and she loves you so much dearly. Your Mom really helps out here with our Cystic Fibrosis. She is very special because she understands what we go through each day. She was the BEST wife to your DADDY and is a great example for other Woman who are just like her who also have a child who's Daddy is in heaven. Please Know that your Daddy was very proud to have you and he is still watching and protecting you from Heaven. He is very strong now and can breathe once again. He is right with G-D and one day you and your Mommy will join him again.


Just trying to help
Risa

 

[anonymous]

Hi Allie

Perhaps you could call up your local CFF office and see if you can take her to a support group and possibly meet children. She can learn about CF that way. Then after she is old enough to understand the concept of age with disease she will understand that her Dad did live his adult life and wanted to have children no matter what the circumstances would be. I think eventually she will have a greater appreciation for him and not feel like it could be her fault or whatever the case may be.


Maybe a few of us could write a letter to her explaining what CF is like and how we look at life.

here goes from me

Dear Ahava

I only know about you from your Precious Mommy and she loves you so much dearly. Your Mom really helps out here with our Cystic Fibrosis. She is very special because she understands what we go through each day. She was the BEST wife to your DADDY and is a great example for other Woman who are just like her who also have a child who's Daddy is in heaven. Please Know that your Daddy was very proud to have you and he is still watching and protecting you from Heaven. He is very strong now and can breathe once again. He is right with G-D and one day you and your Mommy will join him again.


Just trying to help
Risa

 

[Allie]

Thanks for your concern, you guys, it really does mean a lot.

Ry moved his business home as soon as she was born to stay home with her. So they were very close, which made it harder to accept what's setting in now, that we won't see him again for a very, very long time.

Last year, Ahava took him to the fathers function at scholl and she was so proud of him. She had one of the few dads that always had enough time for her, no matter what. I remember how excited she was telling me about it last year. Ry was absolutely golden, beaming with pride. WHen Ahava had introduced him, she had said all kinds of important things, like the fact that he can do a frech braid and makes excellent hmemade pudding, but forgot that he had CF, regardless of the fact that he was on o2 at that point. I remember Ry being very touched by the fact that she didn't see that when she looked at him.

Risa, thank you for the letter, I'm going to print it off for Ahava tonight. I still am having trouble thinking of ways to tackle this problem, but it's got to be done somehow. I don't want her to feel like it's her fault or that God is picking on her. Some things just are, unfair though they might be. Thank you guys for your suggestions and support.

 

[Allie]

Thanks for your concern, you guys, it really does mean a lot.

Ry moved his business home as soon as she was born to stay home with her. So they were very close, which made it harder to accept what's setting in now, that we won't see him again for a very, very long time.

Last year, Ahava took him to the fathers function at scholl and she was so proud of him. She had one of the few dads that always had enough time for her, no matter what. I remember how excited she was telling me about it last year. Ry was absolutely golden, beaming with pride. WHen Ahava had introduced him, she had said all kinds of important things, like the fact that he can do a frech braid and makes excellent hmemade pudding, but forgot that he had CF, regardless of the fact that he was on o2 at that point. I remember Ry being very touched by the fact that she didn't see that when she looked at him.

Risa, thank you for the letter, I'm going to print it off for Ahava tonight. I still am having trouble thinking of ways to tackle this problem, but it's got to be done somehow. I don't want her to feel like it's her fault or that God is picking on her. Some things just are, unfair though they might be. Thank you guys for your suggestions and support.

 

[Emily65Roses]

I still like that you explained to her that maybe god needed Ry up in heaven and her response was "That's stupid... god doesn't need story time." Hehehehee.

I'm sorry she's having a rough time, but she's an awesome kid. She'll come out of it okay, once you find a way to explain it to her. Books are a good idea, they have books for *everything* now (I think there's one called Heather's Two Mommies, and another called Daddy's New Roommate about gay parents). I'm sure you can find one about mommy or daddy dying.

 

[Emily65Roses]

I still like that you explained to her that maybe god needed Ry up in heaven and her response was "That's stupid... god doesn't need story time." Hehehehee.

I'm sorry she's having a rough time, but she's an awesome kid. She'll come out of it okay, once you find a way to explain it to her. Books are a good idea, they have books for *everything* now (I think there's one called Heather's Two Mommies, and another called Daddy's New Roommate about gay parents). I'm sure you can find one about mommy or daddy dying.