Are you a (custodial) Step-Parent

Terry · Mar 24, 2008

Hi,

I am having a problem that I need suggestions for. I am Marissa's step-mother, but she lives with me (and her father), and I basically either administer all of her treatments, or on the times when I am not available tell another family member when and what to do to keep her on track.

I don't have any problems when it comes to compliance from her grandmother or a friend who she sometimes spends the night with, but her mother and step-father don't always do what they are supposed to do. In fact, out of the last 10 times they were supposed to give her meds (nebulizers) after school, they only did it once. I express my concerns to them, and either I get asked if she is sick (I tell them, well she has CF, which they look at me like I am silly for saying that, because they still want to know if she is sick, but Marissa is in the area and I can't explain that having CF means YOU ARE SICK), or I get told they will do it only to have Marissa come home at night and say she didn't do her meds. When we ask why she didn't, they will say they forgot or ran out of time.

I have called 10 minutes before they leave to get her off the bus to remind them, and still they will "forget." I know the hardest part of doing Riss's meds is getting her in the chair. It isn't like she throws fits or anything like that (99% of the time), it is that you actually have to stay with her until you hook her up or she will "escape."

She tries to avoid her meds, and she will end up doing anything but if you just tell her to go do them, and then she will say she "forgot" if you ask her why she isn't on her vest/nebulizer. I think this is probably what is happening there, because besides "Oh I forgot," we also get "We ran out of time." It isn't a matter of they went anywhere, they just ran out of time.

When Riss comes to me after school, she immediately gets on her nebs and does her homework, and then she cleans her room. She is done everything by 4:15. When she goes to her Mom's she comes home (to us) at 6:30pm (which is when we are supposed to start her evening round), homework not done, hasn't eaten dinner, and didn't do her meds because "they forgot" or "ran out of time."

I guess I really needed to rant this morning, but I am beside myself. I make sure my DH knows she is skipping at her Mom's, and he will call to complain and "threaten" to not send her over if they do not do her meds, but that is not a successful threat because we can't hurt Marissa that way, and they know it.

How do I, merely the step-mom, get them to understand that Marissa already "skipped" so much of her meds while she was not diagnosed that it is in her best interest to not do anymore skipping? How do I get them to understand that even if she is not dripping green gunk from her nose, she is SICK? That being the "nice parents" who don't make her comply with her doctor's orders is not being "nice" at all?

Anyone been here?

Sorry if I gave anyone a headache.

Terry

Terry · Mar 24, 2008

Hi,

I am having a problem that I need suggestions for. I am Marissa's step-mother, but she lives with me (and her father), and I basically either administer all of her treatments, or on the times when I am not available tell another family member when and what to do to keep her on track.

I don't have any problems when it comes to compliance from her grandmother or a friend who she sometimes spends the night with, but her mother and step-father don't always do what they are supposed to do. In fact, out of the last 10 times they were supposed to give her meds (nebulizers) after school, they only did it once. I express my concerns to them, and either I get asked if she is sick (I tell them, well she has CF, which they look at me like I am silly for saying that, because they still want to know if she is sick, but Marissa is in the area and I can't explain that having CF means YOU ARE SICK), or I get told they will do it only to have Marissa come home at night and say she didn't do her meds. When we ask why she didn't, they will say they forgot or ran out of time.

I have called 10 minutes before they leave to get her off the bus to remind them, and still they will "forget." I know the hardest part of doing Riss's meds is getting her in the chair. It isn't like she throws fits or anything like that (99% of the time), it is that you actually have to stay with her until you hook her up or she will "escape."

She tries to avoid her meds, and she will end up doing anything but if you just tell her to go do them, and then she will say she "forgot" if you ask her why she isn't on her vest/nebulizer. I think this is probably what is happening there, because besides "Oh I forgot," we also get "We ran out of time." It isn't a matter of they went anywhere, they just ran out of time.

When Riss comes to me after school, she immediately gets on her nebs and does her homework, and then she cleans her room. She is done everything by 4:15. When she goes to her Mom's she comes home (to us) at 6:30pm (which is when we are supposed to start her evening round), homework not done, hasn't eaten dinner, and didn't do her meds because "they forgot" or "ran out of time."

I guess I really needed to rant this morning, but I am beside myself. I make sure my DH knows she is skipping at her Mom's, and he will call to complain and "threaten" to not send her over if they do not do her meds, but that is not a successful threat because we can't hurt Marissa that way, and they know it.

How do I, merely the step-mom, get them to understand that Marissa already "skipped" so much of her meds while she was not diagnosed that it is in her best interest to not do anymore skipping? How do I get them to understand that even if she is not dripping green gunk from her nose, she is SICK? That being the "nice parents" who don't make her comply with her doctor's orders is not being "nice" at all?

Anyone been here?

Sorry if I gave anyone a headache.

Terry

Terry · Mar 24, 2008

Hi,

I am having a problem that I need suggestions for. I am Marissa's step-mother, but she lives with me (and her father), and I basically either administer all of her treatments, or on the times when I am not available tell another family member when and what to do to keep her on track.

I don't have any problems when it comes to compliance from her grandmother or a friend who she sometimes spends the night with, but her mother and step-father don't always do what they are supposed to do. In fact, out of the last 10 times they were supposed to give her meds (nebulizers) after school, they only did it once. I express my concerns to them, and either I get asked if she is sick (I tell them, well she has CF, which they look at me like I am silly for saying that, because they still want to know if she is sick, but Marissa is in the area and I can't explain that having CF means YOU ARE SICK), or I get told they will do it only to have Marissa come home at night and say she didn't do her meds. When we ask why she didn't, they will say they forgot or ran out of time.

I have called 10 minutes before they leave to get her off the bus to remind them, and still they will "forget." I know the hardest part of doing Riss's meds is getting her in the chair. It isn't like she throws fits or anything like that (99% of the time), it is that you actually have to stay with her until you hook her up or she will "escape."

She tries to avoid her meds, and she will end up doing anything but if you just tell her to go do them, and then she will say she "forgot" if you ask her why she isn't on her vest/nebulizer. I think this is probably what is happening there, because besides "Oh I forgot," we also get "We ran out of time." It isn't a matter of they went anywhere, they just ran out of time.

When Riss comes to me after school, she immediately gets on her nebs and does her homework, and then she cleans her room. She is done everything by 4:15. When she goes to her Mom's she comes home (to us) at 6:30pm (which is when we are supposed to start her evening round), homework not done, hasn't eaten dinner, and didn't do her meds because "they forgot" or "ran out of time."

I guess I really needed to rant this morning, but I am beside myself. I make sure my DH knows she is skipping at her Mom's, and he will call to complain and "threaten" to not send her over if they do not do her meds, but that is not a successful threat because we can't hurt Marissa that way, and they know it.

How do I, merely the step-mom, get them to understand that Marissa already "skipped" so much of her meds while she was not diagnosed that it is in her best interest to not do anymore skipping? How do I get them to understand that even if she is not dripping green gunk from her nose, she is SICK? That being the "nice parents" who don't make her comply with her doctor's orders is not being "nice" at all?

Anyone been here?

Sorry if I gave anyone a headache.

Terry

Terry · Mar 24, 2008

Hi,

I am having a problem that I need suggestions for. I am Marissa's step-mother, but she lives with me (and her father), and I basically either administer all of her treatments, or on the times when I am not available tell another family member when and what to do to keep her on track.

I don't have any problems when it comes to compliance from her grandmother or a friend who she sometimes spends the night with, but her mother and step-father don't always do what they are supposed to do. In fact, out of the last 10 times they were supposed to give her meds (nebulizers) after school, they only did it once. I express my concerns to them, and either I get asked if she is sick (I tell them, well she has CF, which they look at me like I am silly for saying that, because they still want to know if she is sick, but Marissa is in the area and I can't explain that having CF means YOU ARE SICK), or I get told they will do it only to have Marissa come home at night and say she didn't do her meds. When we ask why she didn't, they will say they forgot or ran out of time.

I have called 10 minutes before they leave to get her off the bus to remind them, and still they will "forget." I know the hardest part of doing Riss's meds is getting her in the chair. It isn't like she throws fits or anything like that (99% of the time), it is that you actually have to stay with her until you hook her up or she will "escape."

She tries to avoid her meds, and she will end up doing anything but if you just tell her to go do them, and then she will say she "forgot" if you ask her why she isn't on her vest/nebulizer. I think this is probably what is happening there, because besides "Oh I forgot," we also get "We ran out of time." It isn't a matter of they went anywhere, they just ran out of time.

When Riss comes to me after school, she immediately gets on her nebs and does her homework, and then she cleans her room. She is done everything by 4:15. When she goes to her Mom's she comes home (to us) at 6:30pm (which is when we are supposed to start her evening round), homework not done, hasn't eaten dinner, and didn't do her meds because "they forgot" or "ran out of time."

I guess I really needed to rant this morning, but I am beside myself. I make sure my DH knows she is skipping at her Mom's, and he will call to complain and "threaten" to not send her over if they do not do her meds, but that is not a successful threat because we can't hurt Marissa that way, and they know it.

How do I, merely the step-mom, get them to understand that Marissa already "skipped" so much of her meds while she was not diagnosed that it is in her best interest to not do anymore skipping? How do I get them to understand that even if she is not dripping green gunk from her nose, she is SICK? That being the "nice parents" who don't make her comply with her doctor's orders is not being "nice" at all?

Anyone been here?

Sorry if I gave anyone a headache.

Terry

Terry · Mar 24, 2008

Hi,
 
 I am having a problem that I need suggestions for. I am Marissa's step-mother, but she lives with me (and her father), and I basically either administer all of her treatments, or on the times when I am not available tell another family member when and what to do to keep her on track.
 
 I don't have any problems when it comes to compliance from her grandmother or a friend who she sometimes spends the night with, but her mother and step-father don't always do what they are supposed to do. In fact, out of the last 10 times they were supposed to give her meds (nebulizers) after school, they only did it once. I express my concerns to them, and either I get asked if she is sick (I tell them, well she has CF, which they look at me like I am silly for saying that, because they still want to know if she is sick, but Marissa is in the area and I can't explain that having CF means YOU ARE SICK), or I get told they will do it only to have Marissa come home at night and say she didn't do her meds. When we ask why she didn't, they will say they forgot or ran out of time.
 
 I have called 10 minutes before they leave to get her off the bus to remind them, and still they will "forget." I know the hardest part of doing Riss's meds is getting her in the chair. It isn't like she throws fits or anything like that (99% of the time), it is that you actually have to stay with her until you hook her up or she will "escape."
 
 She tries to avoid her meds, and she will end up doing anything but if you just tell her to go do them, and then she will say she "forgot" if you ask her why she isn't on her vest/nebulizer. I think this is probably what is happening there, because besides "Oh I forgot," we also get "We ran out of time." It isn't a matter of they went anywhere, they just ran out of time.
 
 When Riss comes to me after school, she immediately gets on her nebs and does her homework, and then she cleans her room. She is done everything by 4:15. When she goes to her Mom's she comes home (to us) at 6:30pm (which is when we are supposed to start her evening round), homework not done, hasn't eaten dinner, and didn't do her meds because "they forgot" or "ran out of time."
 
 I guess I really needed to rant this morning, but I am beside myself. I make sure my DH knows she is skipping at her Mom's, and he will call to complain and "threaten" to not send her over if they do not do her meds, but that is not a successful threat because we can't hurt Marissa that way, and they know it.
 
 How do I, merely the step-mom, get them to understand that Marissa already "skipped" so much of her meds while she was not diagnosed that it is in her best interest to not do anymore skipping? How do I get them to understand that even if she is not dripping green gunk from her nose, she is SICK? That being the "nice parents" who don't make her comply with her doctor's orders is not being "nice" at all?
 
 Anyone been here?
 
 Sorry if I gave anyone a headache.
 
 Terry

pjspiegle · Mar 24, 2008

I'm sorry for your situation, I would be so frustrated!

It is so hard to understand why some people are so self-centered and never seem to just grow up. My friend has similar problems with her step daughteres mother but at least Jess is healthy with no diseases to deal with so I know she would feel for you.

Has she ever gone to any of the CF center appointments? Sometimes the CF docs can get through, sometimes not, but they may be able to give her some education about CF that you can't or they just won't hear from you.

Sorry I don't have any first hand experience but I sooooooooooo feel and understand your frustration from the point that often times other family and friends do not always understand the importance of things, but it has to be worse when it is the birth mother your dealing with.

I personally would want to just throtle her and would have a very hard time keeping my big mouth shut and from saying something I would probably regret later. You must be more patient than average! So go ahead, rant all you want! I'm, as are others I am sure, are on your side!

pjspiegle · Mar 24, 2008

I'm sorry for your situation, I would be so frustrated!

It is so hard to understand why some people are so self-centered and never seem to just grow up. My friend has similar problems with her step daughteres mother but at least Jess is healthy with no diseases to deal with so I know she would feel for you.

Has she ever gone to any of the CF center appointments? Sometimes the CF docs can get through, sometimes not, but they may be able to give her some education about CF that you can't or they just won't hear from you.

Sorry I don't have any first hand experience but I sooooooooooo feel and understand your frustration from the point that often times other family and friends do not always understand the importance of things, but it has to be worse when it is the birth mother your dealing with.

I personally would want to just throtle her and would have a very hard time keeping my big mouth shut and from saying something I would probably regret later. You must be more patient than average! So go ahead, rant all you want! I'm, as are others I am sure, are on your side!

pjspiegle · Mar 24, 2008

I'm sorry for your situation, I would be so frustrated!

It is so hard to understand why some people are so self-centered and never seem to just grow up. My friend has similar problems with her step daughteres mother but at least Jess is healthy with no diseases to deal with so I know she would feel for you.

Has she ever gone to any of the CF center appointments? Sometimes the CF docs can get through, sometimes not, but they may be able to give her some education about CF that you can't or they just won't hear from you.

Sorry I don't have any first hand experience but I sooooooooooo feel and understand your frustration from the point that often times other family and friends do not always understand the importance of things, but it has to be worse when it is the birth mother your dealing with.

I personally would want to just throtle her and would have a very hard time keeping my big mouth shut and from saying something I would probably regret later. You must be more patient than average! So go ahead, rant all you want! I'm, as are others I am sure, are on your side!

pjspiegle · Mar 24, 2008

I'm sorry for your situation, I would be so frustrated!

It is so hard to understand why some people are so self-centered and never seem to just grow up. My friend has similar problems with her step daughteres mother but at least Jess is healthy with no diseases to deal with so I know she would feel for you.

Has she ever gone to any of the CF center appointments? Sometimes the CF docs can get through, sometimes not, but they may be able to give her some education about CF that you can't or they just won't hear from you.

Sorry I don't have any first hand experience but I sooooooooooo feel and understand your frustration from the point that often times other family and friends do not always understand the importance of things, but it has to be worse when it is the birth mother your dealing with.

I personally would want to just throtle her and would have a very hard time keeping my big mouth shut and from saying something I would probably regret later. You must be more patient than average! So go ahead, rant all you want! I'm, as are others I am sure, are on your side!

pjspiegle · Mar 24, 2008

I'm sorry for your situation, I would be so frustrated!
 
 It is so hard to understand why some people are so self-centered and never seem to just grow up. My friend has similar problems with her step daughteres mother but at least Jess is healthy with no diseases to deal with so I know she would feel for you.
 
 Has she ever gone to any of the CF center appointments? Sometimes the CF docs can get through, sometimes not, but they may be able to give her some education about CF that you can't or they just won't hear from you.
 
 Sorry I don't have any first hand experience but I sooooooooooo feel and understand your frustration from the point that often times other family and friends do not always understand the importance of things, but it has to be worse when it is the birth mother your dealing with.
 
 I personally would want to just throtle her and would have a very hard time keeping my big mouth shut and from saying something I would probably regret later. You must be more patient than average! So go ahead, rant all you want! I'm, as are others I am sure, are on your side!

Ratatosk · Mar 24, 2008

Frustrating... Sounds like you're doing all you can. I get so annoyed when I read things like this. On another site there was a step-mom who was complaining about the custodial parent (mom) giving too much medication to the CFer. Apparently didn't believe the child was sick -- thought they were making it all up and went so far as to stop all meds/treatments when the child was visiting.

Ratatosk · Mar 24, 2008

Frustrating... Sounds like you're doing all you can. I get so annoyed when I read things like this. On another site there was a step-mom who was complaining about the custodial parent (mom) giving too much medication to the CFer. Apparently didn't believe the child was sick -- thought they were making it all up and went so far as to stop all meds/treatments when the child was visiting.

Ratatosk · Mar 24, 2008

Frustrating... Sounds like you're doing all you can. I get so annoyed when I read things like this. On another site there was a step-mom who was complaining about the custodial parent (mom) giving too much medication to the CFer. Apparently didn't believe the child was sick -- thought they were making it all up and went so far as to stop all meds/treatments when the child was visiting.

Ratatosk · Mar 24, 2008

Frustrating... Sounds like you're doing all you can. I get so annoyed when I read things like this. On another site there was a step-mom who was complaining about the custodial parent (mom) giving too much medication to the CFer. Apparently didn't believe the child was sick -- thought they were making it all up and went so far as to stop all meds/treatments when the child was visiting.

Ratatosk · Mar 24, 2008

Frustrating... Sounds like you're doing all you can. I get so annoyed when I read things like this. On another site there was a step-mom who was complaining about the custodial parent (mom) giving too much medication to the CFer. Apparently didn't believe the child was sick -- thought they were making it all up and went so far as to stop all meds/treatments when the child was visiting.

JORDYSMOM · Mar 24, 2008

"Ran out of time." What?? If I could live a thousand years, I'd never understand how any parent, and especially a mother, who carried that child inside of her, can have such disregard for their child's health.

This attitude of non-compliance is certainly sending the wrong message to your SD. She needs to understand the importance of her treatments, and learn the responsibility of doing them herself. I think dad needs to put his foot down on this one.

Stacey

JORDYSMOM · Mar 24, 2008

"Ran out of time." What?? If I could live a thousand years, I'd never understand how any parent, and especially a mother, who carried that child inside of her, can have such disregard for their child's health.

This attitude of non-compliance is certainly sending the wrong message to your SD. She needs to understand the importance of her treatments, and learn the responsibility of doing them herself. I think dad needs to put his foot down on this one.

Stacey

JORDYSMOM · Mar 24, 2008

"Ran out of time." What?? If I could live a thousand years, I'd never understand how any parent, and especially a mother, who carried that child inside of her, can have such disregard for their child's health.

This attitude of non-compliance is certainly sending the wrong message to your SD. She needs to understand the importance of her treatments, and learn the responsibility of doing them herself. I think dad needs to put his foot down on this one.

Stacey

JORDYSMOM · Mar 24, 2008

"Ran out of time." What?? If I could live a thousand years, I'd never understand how any parent, and especially a mother, who carried that child inside of her, can have such disregard for their child's health.

This attitude of non-compliance is certainly sending the wrong message to your SD. She needs to understand the importance of her treatments, and learn the responsibility of doing them herself. I think dad needs to put his foot down on this one.

Stacey

JORDYSMOM · Mar 24, 2008

"Ran out of time." What?? If I could live a thousand years, I'd never understand how any parent, and especially a mother, who carried that child inside of her, can have such disregard for their child's health.
 
 This attitude of non-compliance is certainly sending the wrong message to your SD. She needs to understand the importance of her treatments, and learn the responsibility of doing them herself. I think dad needs to put his foot down on this one.
 
 Stacey

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