birthday problems

anonymous

New member
does anyone else get really sad on their birthday? i turned 19 today, and I can't help but think that now i'm living on borrowed time. my parents were told i might make it to 18 if i was lucky, and now here i am at 19, still pretty damn healthy. i got engaged last month, and started planning my life...planning my career, where i'm going to school, when i'm getting married, when i'm gonna have kids. but my birthday has just reminded me that this disease could turn on me at any moment and i'll end up dying in a hospital thinking about all the dreams i had that will never come true. i always tried not to dream about the future. but when you start planning to have kids...you have to think about the future and dream of giving them a good life. what if i die when they're little? i'm not going to not have them because of cf, but i'm always going to feel bad when i get sick, that i am not good enough for them. the same goes for my finace...it's not fair of me to put him through this. i've honestly never been happier in my life, then i have been since i went to africa. but my birthday has just brought a reality check, that i'm not always going to be this healthy.

maggie
18 w/cf
engaged as of july 2006
 
J

Jade

Guest
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>parents were told i might make it to 18 if i was lucky, and now here i am at 19</i></end quote></div>

Don't pay a lot of attention to that or it will consume the way you think...<b>trust me I know that well.</b> How you feel right now is what you should listen too, not median ages.

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i> the same goes for my finace...it's not fair of me to put him through this</i></end quote></div>

Life with CF is an experience. If we can find someone we can share that experience with it no longer looks so much like a problem or so bleak at times. It seems you have found that person if your engaged so I wouldn't worry unless there is a real reason too. As far as birthdays go I've never liked'em myself and I always get depressed around the holidays. I think this is just part of what having CF does to us at times, we ask <u>what if </u>too much. Hope this helps in some way<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 

coltsfan715

New member
Hi Maggie,

I do know how you feel at times. I have felt the way you feel about "borrowed time" for many years. When I was first diagnosed my parents were told they would be lucky for me to live to be 12. I turned 24 last month. I am happy for my birthday, but it always makes me feel so old. Not like "OMG 24 is old" old lol, but like OMG I am 24 and I either can't or have a very hard time doing things other 24 yr olds I know can do kind of old. My body sometimes feels like an 80 yr old body while mentally I feel 24 or what have you.

I would try not to let it get you long term. Everyone has their moments where things seem to hit us and really sink in. When I graduated high school I really had the "borrowed time" mentality. Then I realized I will die when I am supposed to die, whether I have a disease or not. If I am supposed to die at 99 I will die at 99 and no sooner. If I am supposed to die tomorrow I will die tomorrow. I am lucky to look at everyday that I have lived, beyond what my family was told, as a gift. I have enjoyed those days (most of them). Honestly though, everyday before I turned 12 was a gift too.

I will add this though. You may be thinking alot about this because you just got engaged too - on top of the birthday thing. I was mentally fine with things after my high school feelings on the subject - then when I got engaged last yr it brought all those felings back up. Before that, I had accepted that I would never marry or find a guy that would "take me on" along with my issues full time. I wouldn't have kids and so on. Then when my b/f popped the question I was so upset and absolutely didn't believe he was serious (it took me over a day before I stopped asking him if he was for real - and threatening that if it was a joke I would kill him). He kept asking why I wouldn't stop crying and doubting him and I told him I never thought anyone would want to marry me because of CF. After we talked I realized ... all these things that I had written off for myself (because of CF) didn't have to be written off unless I WANTED them to be.

I know it is hard to not think about getting sick and possibly not being around for your loved ones, especially as you get older and those things are shown to you more often. Take it one day at a time, take care of your self the best you can, stay as healthy as you can and enjoy every minute you have that way there will be nothing for you to regret. We can see projected age and average life exp. numbers all day, but it really doesn't mean much - unless we let it.

Hope you are able to shake the sad feelings and enjoy being the ripe old age of 19 <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">.

Take Care,
Lindsey
 

lightNlife

New member
I too can relate to your feelings about borrowed time and stuff.
Here's something I wrote awhile back as I was reflecting on my own
thoughts and feelings about being married, having CF, and looking
toward the future. Part of this will be appearing in my book
entitled "Dear Future Husband" which should be available
by the end of the year.<br>
<br>
I hope you can relate to part of it. If you'd like to read more of
what I've written, you can always check out my blog:
http://livingwellwithCF.blogspot.com<br>
<br>
<h2>Connecting on Every Level</h2>

<div class="blogpost">
<div style=" clear: both;"></div>

<a href=
"http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6730/506/1600/piggyback.0.jpg"
onblur=
"try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img
border="0" alt="" src=
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style=
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<br>
<blockquote>Whatever our souls are made of,<br>
his and mine are the same. <span style=" font-style: italic;"><br>
--Emi<span style=" font-style: italic;">ly
Bronte</blockquote>

<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Saturday night we went out to dinner with friends. We've known this
couple for slightly less than a year, and don't get to spend much
one-on-one time with either of them, so much of our conversation
was aimed at getting to know them a bit better. Kate and Joel got
married just two weeks after we did, so they are very much on the
same "newlywed" page that Brad and I are. My favorite
part of the conversation that evening was hearing Joel tell his
version of their engagement story. His grin was unmistakable and
his eyes shone brightly even in the dim light of the restaurant, as
he described the events that led up to his proposal to Kate.<br>
<br>
Brad and I also told our story about our engagement. Hearing Brad
tell it always makes me smile and laugh a bit. Mostly I laugh at
myself when he gets to the part about how we would have been
engaged a day sooner if I had only cut my midterm studying short. I
also laugh when he describes how my jaw dropped when I realized
that he was down on one knee actually proposing to me. Brad still
teases me that I never said "yes" but instead managed to
say "yeah."<br>
<br>
God has been very good to us throughout our entire relationship. We
have endured some very heart-wrenching trials, but more
importantly, we have rejoiced in God's provision and His goodness.
Brad is a tremendous source of strength and support for me, and
this is because he constantly looks to our Heavenly Father for
direction and wisdom. Brad teaches me a lot about how to be less of
a control freak, and how to just sit still sometimes.<br>
<br>
When we were dating, something we often discussed is that it's not
enough for both of us to be Christians. Being equally yoked meant
that we had to be on relatively the same page when it came to our
personal convictions and our individual relationship with God. Our
backgrounds are so similar in almost every way, and this makes it
less daunting to fuse our individuality into common goals for our
two-person family.<br>
<br>
To be honest, I never thought I would find someone who would want
to marry me. I thought that having Cystic fibrosis was quite
possibly the biggest turn off ever. I couldn't imagine that there
was a man in the world who would be willing to sleep beside me each
night, sometimes having to listen to the wheezes and gurgles that
go along with the various lung infections. I thought that no parent
would ever want their son to marry a woman whose lifespan was
decidedly shorter than average.<br>
<br>
This just goes to show that nothing is too much of a challenge for
God. I am dumbstruck to realize that during all my self-deprecating
teenage years, God was working to prepare the heart of the man I
would one day marry. All the things I thought were undesireable
about me are the very things that have tempered my character and
molded me into the God-fearing woman that I am. God has used each
of my personal struggles to shape me into a woman who is worthy of
the godly man who wakes up beside me each morning.<br>
<br>
God must really love me to have put me where I am today.</div>
 

sarabeth87

New member
Hi Maggie,
That's kinda weird. I turned 19 today too. Anyways, there was a really a really dark period in my life where I felt just like you. In fact this is the first birthday in like 3 years that I didn't think to myself "this is gonna be my last" I haven't even been sick and I don't know why I felt like this. I've always wanted to have kids, even before I met Jack, my now husband (we got married in February of this year and we've been together for over 3 years). Well anyways, I have now stopped feeling like this so much. I learned that if I dwell on myself dying, then my life will be miserable. And I realized that because I was miserable. But anyways I hope you have a happy birthday and feel free to talk to me if you ever feel like you need to.
 

Jane

Digital opinion leader
Happy Birthday Maggie!

Birthdays are always turn out to be less than we expect. Naturally we reflect on the number and quality of years ( I do this on New Year's Eve as well).

Try to enjoy your day and celebrate you where you are right now.
 

anonymous

New member
The man for whom time stretches out painfully is one waiting in vain, disappointed at not finding tomorrow already continuing yesterday.

--Theodor Adorno
 

Allie

New member
Ry got sad around his birthday too. Not usually on, because his family makes a big production of birthdays, both his and Darius'. But around it, he'd always wonder "How many more?" I think it's normal for Cfers. You've been growing up with the knowledge of your fragile mortality, a knowledge than many adults ignore. You're not crazy. You have the opportuinity to plan what is important to you, now. Focus on the amazing things you have done, and can still do. You've been to Africa! that's amazing, most people who live to 80 never do that! Live what you have to the fullest, despite the suckiness of having less time.

Happy birthday to you, my dear.
 

anonymous

New member
I can't speak from personal experience because it is not me who has CF but my 2 year old son. But I am always going to stress the positives about his life. I am a special ed teacher and have worked with students with devastating disabilites. Sometimes CF does not seem so bad. Not to downplay the seriousness of CF but I want my son to grow up with a strong sense of confidence in his life. Any one of us can die at any time. Everyday for each of us is a gift. There are no guarantees in life CF or not so we are going to live each day to the fullest
 

julie

New member
Happy birthday to you Maggie.

I recall Mark telling me he had some feelings like this when he graduated HS and turned 19. His parents were always told that 18 would be a great life for him, and that's probably all he'd make it to. I've never been in your shoes, so I can't advise or share based on that, but I remember what he's told me... He decided to do something since it looked like he was sticking around (his words). That summer he started some major work outs in the gym and started focusing on his weight and considering a career. He decided to go to college, but then didn't know what he wanted to do so he decided to work for a while. Then he knew what he wanted to do (after wrokfing for 2 years) and 4 years ago he went back to school (when he was 21).

Maybe finding your niche will make you feel better.....

I hope you have a better birthday!! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 

anonymous

New member
required bithday reading?
<a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.newmobility.com/review_article.cfm?id=198&action=browse">http://www.newmobility.com/rev...m?id=198&action=browse</a>
sounds like it is too late to die young
 
I used to just be amazed that I had lived this long, and be so happy that I was blessed to be on this earth for this many years. But last year was different, I had a child and things change when you have a husband and a child. I panicked and wondered how many more years would I have. I cried for a minute and then it passed. But it made me wonder what the future holds.
 
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