Can someone give me some reasons

[anonymous]

I was wondering if someone could give me some reasons to think that life is worth living? I am not suicidial, or so I don't think. I was wondering what do you live for? To me, it seems like the only reason I try is because of the people who love me. I don't know that that is good enough reason anymore. I either need to find a way to think life is worth living or something. I have become very depressed and hate life, I don't see why I should bother doing treatments if it is just prolonging the evident.

I am so sorry if this sound selfish, I don't have enough balls to leave my name cause Idon't want crap from my family that reads this. I have never felt this way before. Please spare me on how God has a plan for me, so far I have failed miserabley.

What I want to know is what is your reason for wanting to live, I don't have a love of my life, I don't have to much going for me and since I am going to end up dead no matter what, what is the point?


Sorry to be a drag, please keep God out of this, though I believe in him, I am mad at the moment. Dose anyone else live for someone else? I always have in the past but can't seem to think that that is a good enough reason to live. I am tired of doing treatments, tired of life in general and I wish that it would be over. I know that sounds selfish. but that is just where I am at

thanks,
no balls to leave name

 

[anonymous]

Wow, quite the post....

I just have to say that i wrote a similar post about depression in the other site, and so far I think I am depressed. I am not interested in the things i used to be, i'm overly tired, and just have a lot of negative, obsessive thoughts about my life and about cf...

However, I still find a reason to live. I am not that far gone yet. Although i have a hard time appreciating the smaller things in life, I still love my friends, my family, and my girlfriend. I think I still have a driving force to want to succeed in life, to prove myself, that i can do anything that i set my mind to do, and that helps me a lot. Ok so lately, i have been feeling down BUT I realize this, and so I can fight it.

You seem bright, aware, and more intelligent than the average ape running around out there. Are you ready to give up now? Depression is serious, and as much as we think we can keep a handle on it, we can't. I would suggest seeing someone, as I am going to. Perhaps we can stay in touch and correlate our experiences with this.

The last 6 months maybe, I have also had feelings of "why bother", but i know that this is not me. I am too young and too healthy to start getting thoughts like this. The thing is, if we let these thoughts go on, before you know it it's 10 years later, you did nothing you wanted to, and you never really got to appreciate things again....

I dunno, maybe i went off on a tangent, but there are just some thoughts....

hang in there, you're stronger than this
Kiel

 

[anonymous]

Have you ever considered transplant? That would give you a goal for a better life down road, as long as all goes well with the transplant.
I have a child, so that keeps me going on & doing the best I can for myself.

 

[anonymous]

Everyone is going to end up dead no matter what. We live, we die, that's how it goes, might as well enjoy the in between! Life is tough with CF, no doubt, but there is still a lot to be enjoyed. I don't live for someone else but I do focus on everyone else rather than myself and that's where I find contentment. Helping, giving, even listening to those around you, those you know and don't know takes the focus off of yourself. Helps with depression like you won't believe! You're then not living for them so that they don't have to be without you, you're living to be hopefully, an amazing part of their lives. You'll see the difference.

 

[DebbieC]

Yeah, I think we've all been here.

This is something I think about alot. Sometimes I look at my life and think it's a total joke, how am I every going to have a job that I can support myself with? One with benifits that will cover my meds, one that won't care that I'm sick all the time. There's so much that I know I'm mentally and spiritually able to do and I have so many tallents and I find myself to be a beautiful and smart woman, yet my body is going to put alot of restrictions on me. So unfair!! I work my butt off to finish college, and I'm a good kind person and yet I have to suffer physically all the time, why?

I live to have fun. I live to meet new people and do new things, and I'm always doing the things I love. I make sure that I set aside time to enjoy myself.

 

[Lilith]

You know, lately I've been having a fit of depression like this, too. Sometimes I also ask myself if living for my family is enough.

There was an episode of 'House' that was on last week (don't know if anyone watches it) that made me think about this even more. It was about a 9-year-old with cancer who was going to die if she didn't recieve a treatment for a blood clot, or die anyway a year later because of the cancer. Dr. House asked her if she would rather die now than later to save herself the agony of more cancer treatments, and that caused me to think of myself the same way. Why fight and bring more misery on ourselves if we're just going to kick the bucket anyway no matter how healthy we try to keep ourselves?

Sometimes I wish I could just stop doing my treatments and let nature take it's course, but I always find myself going back to them. Why, I have no clue. It's either because something deep down tells me to keep trying, or because I'm too chicken to kill myself. Not sure which...

I can't really answer why I keep going on, I just do. Maybe I like being miserable or something. I can't talk about it with my family because they just call me selfish for wanting to get life over with sometimes, and I really hate that. Aren't they the ones being selfish by wanting me to continue to suffer?

But, like I said, in the end I just keep on fighting. I try to distract myself as much as possible by writing, drawing, watching movies, whatever, until I feel somewhat better. It helps to have friends around you that tell you they need you, as well. If it weren't for simple things like that, I probably would have done myself in a long time ago.

 

[anonymous]

I don't have CF, but many times in my life I have found myself wondering why I'm here and feeling very hopeless. The worst time for me was my divorce, it was devastating and I did attempt suicide, my father found me in my bedroom unconcious from an overdose.
Looking back now I can't imagine what I was thinking. I think sometimes life can feel very unfullfilling, empty, lonely and not worth the pain. If for no other reason just live for what tomorrow might bring.
I wish I could say something spectacular, but truth be known there probably isn't anything anyone can tell you that will make that feeling go away. It boils down to the word you most likely don't want to hear...time.

 

[TCNJcystic]

I struggled for a long time about how I was going to reply to you because this is obviously such a sensitive topic. It's something that everyone deals with, and I believe that patients with any debilitative disease have to question their lives more than many other people. Cystic fibrosis is an especially unique condition when it comes to questions about life, religion, or philosophy because it is genetic.

CF patients, among those who suffer from other diseases, never get the chance to see the other side of life as opposed to cancer patients who may get to live until their forties or beyond before being diagnosed with their disease. This creates an absolutely horrifying situation that most of us don't even realize. We get one chance at life, and we drew the short stick before we even knew it. One chance.

Alright, so now we have the short stick. Something is wrong in our lives from day one. We're going to die before most of our friends, many quite unnecessarily before their own parents. Why? How many of us have had one or fifty nights lying in bed waiting to fall asleep wondering why? The reality is that we are never going to know why. This sucks. But there's good news. I just saved myself a bunch of money.........

No. Really. There is good news. The actual reality is that "why" doesn't matter in this lifetime. The "why" is such a waste of time. Sure it'd be great to understand it one of these days, but even once you do understand it, all that gets you is a reason, not a future. Figuring it all out will never give you more time, and it will never take cf away.

What matters now is now and tomorrow. There is another "why" worth thinking about, and that is "why keep going on"? This is the question that you originally asked, and it is the one worth answering.

Life is why you keep on living. There are too many breaths worth taking, too many sites worth seeing, and too much love worth sharing to call it quits. All that ever matters in life is being happy. That's what I tell every single one of my friends when they ask for advice on life. You have to do whatever it is that you have to do to keep yourself happy. Think about those Sunday afternoons in the spring when you walk outside and smell that fresh air when the sun shines down on your face and you have no cares in the world. Think of that person that you loved with your entire heart and how happy that love made you feel. Think about all the people who have told you that just by living, you are an inspiration to them.

Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around. Regardless of how bad things might look right now, you've got to realize that the people around you are letting you inspire them. I've been told that my life with cystic fibrosis has been the inspiration for some of my friends to quit smoking or to lead happier lives, and knowing that I can do that for people is more than enough to keep me happy. That is the answer to both of my "why's."

Right now I live for being at college and taking sober walks around campus at 2 AM with amazing people. I live for the kids that I teach and the people I teach with. I live because I love seeing my mom and dad on holidays and over the summer. I live because of the way the air smells sometimes, or the mornings that I walk outside and feel like I can make something incredible happen that day. I live because even though I'm scared shitless of getting a port one day or having another gosh darn picc put in, there is absolutely nothing worth giving up all the happiness in this world for.

Live to inspire. Live to be happy. Live because despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, there is still no reason not to.

And that's all I got for you. I hope something here was helpful.

It might be worth mentioning again that I am an atheist, so living because I don't want to let God down isn't my thing. All the happiness I find is happiness I find by myself.

 

[Emily65Roses]

Dear No Balls... heh. My biggest reason is one of the things you said you don't have. A love of my life. Mike is definitely worth sticking around for, even when I feel lousy, even when I feel like giving up. If you wait (and I know waiting hardly seems worth it either), you may find someone just for you that will change your life for the better. Other than that, though, I do have stuff around that keeps me interested, keeps me going. My family. And then, as trivial as this stuff is, I love coming to my CF websites and talking to others, helping new parents, whatever else. I love talking to CFers on AIM. I don't really know what to tell you, and I know that's less than helpful. Have you ever thought of seeing a therapist, maybe going on meds? It's not for everyone, but it does help a lot of people, and it might be worth it to give it a try.

And to kind of go off of one thing Steve said... there's a lot of little things that I personally think are worth living for. Don't you ever just enjoy something and not really know why? One of my favorite things in the world is taking a walk in the middle of the night in a giant snowstorm. The world is so quiet, and it feels like I'm the only one left. It's a very peaceful feeling. Have you got any little things that you just feel at peace with/about?

 

[Mockingbird]

I used to live for other people in my life, but that is never enough. After all, the people in my life will go on living after I die; they might be sad for a while, but they'll get on with their lives weather i'm alive or not. I guess that's why it was never enough, andwhy I'd also go through the same periods of wondering ecactly what the point is.

Then i found Jesus! =-) Ha ha, I'm kidding. =-) I was a christian before that and it had nothing to do with anything in this case. =-)

I guess what holds me up now is I'm just too damn stubborn to give up. I mean, i've worked this hard to live this long... Other people have been there, too, of course, and sure, I guess i owe it to them to fight it out as long as I can, but mostly I just want to prove that it was all for a reason. I guess it helps to be a little bit selfish here. =-)

So i guess my attitude is if I had to struggle this hard just to get where I'm at... struggle not only against CF but against a society that can be so uncaring... I'm sure as hell gonna do everything I can to make it all worthwhile. =-)

Of course one might say they haven't gotten anywhere, so there's really nothing to make worthwhile in the first place, but it's all in how you look at it. No matter how old you are, that's how many years you've survived. Not lived; healthy people live, healthy people exist. We <i>survive</i>. While others simply strool down the road of life, we have a huge freakin' rock chained to our backs that we have to drag every step of the way. I'd say that's something to be proud of right there. =-)

Anyway, I don't know if anyone else shares this silly little motivation of mine, but I say fight on, 'cause life in all it's unfairness was especially unfair to you, but you're still standing; no matter how weary or broken or close to defeat you are, you've made it this far, and nothing can take it away. Sure that little punk CF demon will win eventually, but not yesterday, and sure as hell not today. Heh, that smug little demon is waiting each day; he'd like nothing better than for it to be tomorrow. I say, why not take tommorrow from him as well; just to piss him off. =-)

 

[Lilith]

<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>Mockingbird</b></i><br>No matter how old you are, that's how many years you've survived. Not lived; healthy people live, healthy people exist. We <i>survive</i>. While others simply strool down the road of life, we have a huge freakin' rock chained to our backs that we have to drag every step of the way. I'd say that's something to be proud of right there. =-)<hr></blockquote>

Mockingbird, I just wanted to let you know that what you said right there was actually quite motivational to me. That, and pissing off the CF demon ^_^ God, I wish I had your attitude more often. Reminds me of why I came to this site in the first place, so for what it's worth, thanks. I realize this topic wasn't about me, but I thought I'd let you know. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

I just want to say , I knew a young man by the name of Ricky Summers who was 17 yrs. old who had CF. He was trying his hardest to get all his hard subjects done his junior year in high school, so that his senior would be easy.And he would have so much fun. Well he died his junior year. He wanted more than anything to beat this disease. I know at times it's hard, But dammit don't give up to it.I also have two girls with CF, and they are fighters, even at times it gets hard. Ricky was such a good friend and a loving kid. At times I feel he gave up. We all have to beat this not just you. For the sake of all the other kids that lost their battle with CF, FIGHT IT AND BEAT IT. WE ARE.
FT

 

[spicyone18]

What keeps me going is my family, more so my nieces and nephews. There are soo many times i want to give up but then I think about my little nieces and nephews and I can't and dont want to imagine what it would be like if I weren't here for them. I know that one day I won't be here for them but at least they will know that I fought as long as I could, and i didnt just surrender to the troubles I had.

 

[Mockingbird]

Lilith, thank you, too. Even though it's probably gonna give me a big head, it always lifts my spirits when people say stuff like that. =-)

 

[anonymous]

I actually agree with everything that Steve said (TCNJcystic). I life is why we live. It is worth living to see the beauty in the world. To enjoy the fun times, to laugh (one of my favorite things to do), to be with friends, to see a sunset, to watch the leaves change color in the fall. I would do anything to be on this earth for as long as possible. It is such a wonderful place and we have such a unique position to be able to change other people's lives. Teach somebody something about life. It will make you happy to see that you have affected the world in some way.
Margaret
Double lung tx 11.11.04

Steve--nice quote from Vanilla Sky...actually one of my favorite movies. If you'd like to chat sometime e-mail me at lapsansm@lafayette.edu...i liked what you had to say

 

[JazzysMom]

Although its easier to say I want to live for my daughter, husband, family, friends etc.......I cant say that its 100% true. There is just something inside me. Something that says.....hell I am not ready to quit nor do I see a need. Does my life suck sometimes because of CF, yes......have I made it thru each bout of suckiness (such a word?), yes. When my first husband & I split up, I attempted suicide by overdose. After I started feeling the affects of the meds, I got scared & said to myself......Self what the devil are you doing? You have worked too hard to kill yourself over something like this. I called for help & havent done something so stupid since. Maybe there is more in me then I realize. More things I enjoy then I realize. Its basically not something I can put into words as well as many others have. Its a feeling within.

 

[princessgiggles]

the experience, the challenge, the love, the lessons, the freedom, the faith, the excitement, the laughter, the moments, the memories, the learning and the ability to <b>teach</b> people what that have is what they should treasure! Reasons i often doubt life...like anybody else self-pity, but i soon learn my lesson, i might not have the health of my friends but they don't have my...charm bracelet, for example! no one ever said life was easy " anon" but it's only hard if you let it be, you control you remember! Hope you feel encouraged!xxx

 

[TCNJcystic]

Thanks for the positive feedback Margaret. I really appreciate it.

 

[wallflower]

My strongest motivation to keep going is to prove my doctors wrong. My parents were always told that I would die young, and I thought how arrangent to tell me when and how I was going to die. Doctors don't decide that - life does. So my biggest motivation to keep going is to thumb up my doctors who didn't have faith in my health by living as long and healthy as I can.

"We all end up dead, no matter what." Death doesnt care how sick we are or how smart (there are reasons for those warnings on hair dryers), eventually everything comes to an end. Having cf is not a guarantee that your going to die. You have to live each day for that day, and try to find the little things that make you happy and allow you to get by. Its different for everyone - I'm a nature freak. To be able to go outside and feel the breeze or touch a soft plant - to chase the geese out of the driveway or wonder at the blue in the sky (gay, I know). My family and boyfriend are certainly reasons that I need to stay healthy, and they help motivate me when I am down.

Anon - you may feel like you are failing at life, but you are not. Every day is a new start, and the fact that you posted this is an indication that you do want to go on. It takes a lot of strength and courage, and we are all here to help support you (along with your family). Just start small...babysteps (from What About Bob - I always watch that when I am down and it makes me laugh everytime).

 

[anonymous]

I dont have Cf but I have a very close friend who does. If only we had more people out there like him. He is one of the most confident funniest fun person to be with. yea at times he may get the worst of it, but in no way would he let one lil hiccup get in the way. Cf isnt his life, its just one extra gift God has givin each and every one of you. From someone without Cf to someone with, you are all very encouraging, and the fact that you know that much more about life is an awesome gift in itself. Some people take life for granted and ive learned each day to appreciate all life has to offer. There will be a cure for CF one day, and if you hold on that much longer, you will live for that cure, and the rest of your life with that feeling we are all searching for. The answers are all in your heart, sometimes the answers come when your not even looking for them! And believe me when I say this, "miracles happen"! Try not to be so hard on ureself and pick up that rock dragging behind you and walk with it. Walk with pride,self-confidence,self-love and most importantly self-acceptance....

Thank you'

- L.