Daughter considering marriage/having kids with CF carrier

[65rosessamurai]

I would agree with what Julie said.
Having a serious discussion about the 'risks' involved would give their future better odds of being happier. Yet, using such leverages to your advantage in order to have them "succomb" to your way of thinking is going to cause confict, and may give your daughter intentions to "hate" you, and moreso, perhaps rebel.
Dealing with your daughter as an adult, not a child, would increase the possibility of her wanting to listen to your concerns.

Also, excluding her fiance's possibility of CF, one concern would be whatever kind of career he has to support a family would add to the serious discussion regarding marriage (i.e. does his freeloading have something to do with his current lifestyle, habbits and work situation?)

Also, if her fiance IS a person with CF, the likelyhood he's already sterile (at least 98%, that about right, Julie) would solve issue No. 2!
Which brings on a suggestion to another problem, by suggesting he be tested for being a carrier, He'd inderectly be tested for sterility, as well (right?).

Of course, another contradiction to being sterilized before marriage (excluding the nasty connotations already mentioned by others here), would be that people get married TO HAVE children. Some couples that find out they're sterile tends to be after marriage (like in the case of my first marriage), and probably few are found before marriage, yet put that into consideration for what to do during their married life (Like my second marriage).
An added caution, the daughter may still marry the guy because of a force much stronger than that of "parental discression", it's called "Love", and that's why my second wife still wanted to marry me (we were fully aware of the "sterility" situation). So that's why educating them about "genetics" would be pertinent at this juncture.

(To the anonymous who posted whether the person is still there--Are you sure it's a woman?? )

 

[Purplelungz]

I'm just going to put my personal opinion. everyone has given good advice. regarding alternate routes and how to talk to the couple. Also i dont remember reading this but do you know if your daughter has researched cf?

Anyway this is the way i see it. CF aside, its not the point here right now. If your daughter is marrying him anyway even if he is the biggest jerk in the world, lazy, a finacial sponger off your daughter....then quiet frankly its your dauthers choice, she is making it good or bad. I have seen this happen before. A daughter even admitting a year later on her wedding day she was thinking of calling off the wedding but didnt just because alot of people showed up. She got pregnant. The man doesnt hold a job is worthless, so his is mother, got his mother to move in and she does nothing...this girl waits on these two hand and foot, bring in the money and takes care of the baby. Finally decided to leave, was good for a month, the day she got her paycheck, hubby showed back up (i wonder why) beggin for forgiveness....move back in together...again pregnant....he PUNCHES her in the stomach while pregnant....now the baby has learning disabilities....hmmm....her mother keeps trying to get her to leave....even offering her a place to stay, to pay for her rent and if she leaves (stipulation being she has to get a divorce which her mom would also pay for, lawyer too)....still nothing. she is choosing to stay in this situation no matter how much her mom is trying to help her....this lady is being stupid by choice....
my point is this....if your daughter wants to go into a from bad to worse....then thats her choice and she knows it probably just in denial and hoping it will get better....thats IF this man is a big free loading jerk....she knows what she is getting into...let her make a bad descion and hopefully she will learn.

now the other side is this....please dont get mad...but sometimes in laws think this worse at first...all they hear is bad rumors. or only hear of the little fights that happen between a couple, but never hear the good. thats just what happens sometimes people dont ever tell the good...only the bad so it seems bad all the time. sometimes in laws over react because they just are making excuses because their babies are growing up. not saying this is the case....just stating what happens.

now since none of us know the whole situation you have to ask yourself....is he really this bad for her, regardless of the cf thing. your daughters happieness is what your talking about. talk to your daughter just about everything, with out trying to sound judgemental, or pushy....you just want to learn about things and hear from her.

on the cf thing. dont pay for sterilization. i would pay for genetic counseling. get them both tested for carrier. thats the best thing. if they are BOTH carriers, go from there....its still their choice to have a kid it they are both carriers....who knows maybe if they have a child with cf, your daughter and future son in law will be the best parents ever...and your son in law will know how to handle things cf wise...which is great that he will have knowledge.

the other thing is...dont worry about things to soon. even if she does get pregnant soon. and the baby has cf, its not a death sentence anymore. even if a cf persons life is shortened....and yes alot harder than most...most of the time a person with cf never takes anything forgranted and teaches people around them the same thing. yes i do agree if you can prevent having a cf baby before getting pregnant...then thats great. but if there comes a cf baby...it will be loved and taken care of just like any other baby...and you know that.

 

[supermanfan]

Well I thought at first I would just read the posts here, but then I decided I wanted to say something... Man there are some rude people here, and at the same time some great helpfull posts.

I am 36 and I have CF. I am married (11.5 years now, thank you very much) and I am almost 9 years post transplant. I am greatful that I was born with CF. Here's why:

I am the baby of the family, and I have always been more responsible out of the three children my parents had. My other two sisters also don't have CF, and I was very fortunate to have a mild case as a kid... I played sports, rode horses, etc. I actually now have two horses of my own, and my husband and I own our own home in the beautiful local mountains of San Diego Callifornia. I have what I would call a rich life. I have recently been talking to specialists about my medications and pregnancy, and soon my husband and I will embark on that next step.

So to the original poster at hand; At first I didn't think you actually suggested sterilization, but I went back and read... Well here's some infor for you; only 2% of men with CF are fertile. The mucos in the reportuctive system creates havoc on the sperm, and therefore the men don't produce enough. On the women, their cervical mucos can act as a birth-conttol to an extent... the thick mucos blocks the sperm from getting where it needs to go. In any case if you think 'he' should be sterilized you might want to reconsider what you are saying. It is wrong to suggest such a thing, and as you can see offensive to some. I personally think it's funny, but then you'd have to know my sense of humor. Living with CF can give you a different angle on things...

As far as your daughter. She is an adult, and many adults make wrong choices; that is just a part of live, and unfortunately there's not really a whole lot you can do, but the one thing you don't want to do is push her away. Before even suggesting what her fiance does, ask her to be tested... research the information yourself... plenty of people have given you sites to look at. Show her some of the information you come up with, and talk to her as an adult, ask her to be tested, and if she is negative as a carrier then that's it. No chance of their kids having the disease. However, even if she is, living with CF doesn't have to be terrible. If they love each other, and want to spend the rest of their lives together then who's to say she is making a wrong choice about being with him.

I thank my mom and dad for being the best parents to me. When I was diagnosed at age 7 they quite smoking cold turkey, and never looked back. My mom didn't baby me, and do everything for me. She taught me to do things for myself so that when I became of age I could do those very things; even though when I was diagnosed the doctors said I probably would not live past age 13. You also have to remember that there is great medical advancements... medications, transplantation, etc. When my husband first proposed to me, we wanted to tell my parents first. He surprised me by telling my dad he wanted my hand in marriage, and asked if he would acept (what a romantic). My dad had to take a double take lol they had no idea what was coming... them my mom said to him, "Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" My mom had told me later that she really was nervous about the whole thing because of my CF, and that it can take a toll on you... but he stuck with me every second of it. Stayed over night in the hospital with me, did the house chores for me when I couldn't. He is what a parent would call a perfect son-in-law. My parents loved him when they met him, and they love him even more today. So I consider myself lucky even though I had some hard times. That's what makes me me, and what has made me a better person.

Good luck with everything, and I hope it all turns out well for you and your family
<img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">

 

[julie]

<blockquote>Quote
<hr>The mucos in the reportuctive system creates havoc on the sperm, and therefore the men don't produce enough<hr></blockquote>

Supermanfan, I know it's a tad off topic of the post, but I wanted to take a moment to guide you in the right direction on this one.

For men with CF who are considered "sterile", the mucos has absolutely nothing to do with sperm production. Men with CF who are "sterile" (about 97-98%, your percentages were right on) actually COMPLETELY LACK the vas deferens that carrier the sperm from the testicles (where it is produced normally, just without anywhere to go) to the point of ejaculation. Contrary to prior medical "thinking" the vas defrens isn't blocked, clogged, slimey.... or so on. It is actually completely absent. I just wanted to point that out because there is such confusion about this topic, even with medical professionals and I am doing all I can to make sure that the correct information is getting passed. So that as more young men with CF grow older and into a parenting age, they know what avenues are available to them to start a family.

My websites a pretty good place for more information if you were ever interested: <a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.cysticfibrosismaleinfertility.com">www.cysticfibrosismaleinfertility.com</a> as is HollyCathery's website on Female fertilty and CF ( I see you mentioned looking into your family options....) <a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.geocities.com/murrensnaturemama/index.html">http://www.geocities.com/murrensnaturemama/index.html</a> I personally find the male and female aspects of CF in relation to reproduction quite fascinating. The body is an interesting thing!

 

[supermanfan]

Julie, thank you for correcting me on that. I'm old (haha) what can I say; I have that prior medical 'thinking'.

I'm female, and my husband does not have CF, nor is he steril so guess I haven't had the need to research anything new on that in a long time. Thank you for giving me that information.


<img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">

 

[julie]

I just wish doctors would do a better job of education regarding male/female reproduction and CF. There is so little that is passed from the medical field to "us". I think they (doctors/medical professionals) could do a much better job.

Did you have a chance to check out hollycatheryn's site for yourself? I know that when you and your husband achieve a pregnancy, she'd love to add your "success" story to her pages.

Take care,

 

[supermanfan]

Yes, I agree... I must admit that since I have been nearly 9 years post transplant sometimes I feel out of touch with issues on CF as well...

I'm going to check out her site right now. It sounds wonderful! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[thefrogprincess]

I will admit that I didn't read all of the replies to this...not even most. But I just had to put in my two cents. If my parents had considered the 25% chance of me having CF unacceptable I would not be here today. My parents knew that my brother had CF before they got pregnant with me. This is flat out bigotry. Replace all the "CFs" in this person's posts with "black" or "asian" and see how it sounds! I am personally offended by this and if I was these people's daughter I would tell them where to stick their trust fund!

 

[kybert]

why get so offended? its not your life OP is talking about. if 25% chance is unacceptable to them then it is unacceptable. quite frankly i dont give a damn if i was here or not, because if i wasnt here i wouldnt even know! there is also a BIG difference between a life threatening diseases and a race. now calm down.