Hey Demention, I hope today is going better for you.
It sounds like you have a lot of deep anger - I agree with the other posters that you need to turn that anger away from you (by hurting yourself) and toward your therapist. She's there to help you get a handle on that pain and find healthy ways to cope with it. Start by telling her exactly what you've told us. I think it's normal to not get along with a therapist at first because it takes some time for them to understand what it is your are going through (not just your story, but how you deal with things emotionally) so they know how best to help. By helping her out and telling her what it is you need from her, it might help. If not, tell her you want to see someone else.
When I was a kid in grade school, I would bite myself. Not enough to bleed, just to hurt. I would also break things on purpose just to watch them break. As I got older, I stopped biting, but continued to be destructive of my things and was mean to my brother and sister. It seemed like any little thing would make me mad. I would tear things up that I liked and then be sad about it - it was like I HAD to do it, and didn't have any control over it. One day (I was in my teens) I realized that there was no reason to be so mad. My dad was the one who was always mad, but I realized that didn't mean that I had to be too. It felt really good to know that. I was always a real quiet kid at school and had trouble talking in class, so the school had me see a therapist for a little while. As a kid, I didn't realize what everything was about (and I didn't talk to her either), but I did know that I despised the idea of talking to a therapist. My problems were my business, and I was pretty well trained to not talk about the family to other people (dad was a drug addict and alcholic).
I find now that as the years have gone by and I have spent so much time away from my family, I have had the opportunity to look back and see things in a different light. I still love my family - I am sad at some of the decisions that they made for their own lives, but it is not my duty to help carry that weight. I am such a different person now than when I was younger. I always felt that I needed to go through life on my own and not share my problems with anyone - cf related or not. Now I realize how great it is to have people to share my problems with. I even have a boyfriend (my first at the age of 30) who is so supportive of me. I always thought of myself as a burden, but I was wrong.
The reason I am telling you all this, is that even though you may not like where you are right now in life, things do change. It can be very hard, and I can't promise that you will wake up next week and everything will be better. Take it slow, one day at a time, and do babysteps. I know you hate your therapist, but take advantage of the fact she is there. Don't be afraid to open up and let some of that anger get out of your system. It sounds like you've already held it in for way too long.
Ask about a group that fits your needs where you can vent and relate to other people in your same situation and age group. It might take some of the pressure off to not be in a one-on-one situation, and to see others who share the same pain that you do. You can also be asked to be put in a mentor program if your city has one. It pairs you up with an adult (like a big sister) who can help you discover life outside of your situation.
Don't give up - fight it and win so you can come back here some day and help someone else.
