Discussing life expectancy with your spouse

B

Blessed4Times

New member
<P>This past weekend I made the mistake of picking the worst movie possible from the movie store. I grabbed the movie "P.S. I love you" from the "date night" section without even reading the info on the back. It's about a 30 year old woman whose 35 year old husband dies of a brain tumor right after they discuss having children and "starting" a life together. The woman becomes a widow at 30 and spends years honoring the memory of her husband and trying to figure out how to move on with her life. </P>
<P>My soon to be husband (30 y/o wth CF) looked at me and said "I will be surprised if I make it to 35." I am in my mid-twenties now and he said that he saw me in the movie as a widow at 30. This broke my heart. I don't think of life in a matter of how many days I have left with him. I think about our life together today, next week, next month, and sometimes next year, but nothing beyond that because things can change rather quickly with CF.  </P>
<P>For those of you CFers over 30 with husbands, wives, and children to take care of, how do you discuss life expectancy when your loved ones are approaching the "median" age for CF? When we were discussing this on Saturday I got very emotional and couldn't discuss it any more. Is there any rational way you have found to discuss the topic? How do you move on with life and plan for things like vacation and buying/selling a house or a car without letting CF rule your life? I let my fear take over more than I should, but I want him to live the fullest life he can. </P>
<P>Any thoughts are appreciated!        </P>
 
B

Blessed4Times

New member
<P>This past weekend I made the mistake of picking the worst movie possible from the movie store. I grabbed the movie "P.S. I love you" from the "date night" section without even reading the info on the back. It's about a30 year old woman whose35 year old husband dies of a brain tumorright after they discuss having children and "starting" a life together.The woman becomes a widow at 30 and spends years honoring the memory of her husband and trying to figure out how to move on with her life. </P>
<P>Mysoon to be husband (30 y/o wth CF)looked at meand said "I will be surprised if I make it to 35." I am in my mid-twenties now and he said that he saw me in the movie as a widow at 30. This broke my heart. I don't think of life in amatter of how many days I have left with him. I think about ourlife together today, next week, next month, and sometimes next year, but nothing beyond that because things can change rather quickly with CF. </P>
<P>For those of youCFers over 30 with husbands, wives, and children to take care of, how do you discuss life expectancy when your loved ones are approaching the "median" age for CF?When we were discussing this on Saturday I got very emotional and couldn't discuss it any more. Is there any rational way you have found to discuss the topic?Howdo you move on with life and plan for thingslike vacation andbuying/selling a house ora car without letting CF rule your life? I letmy fear take over more than I should, but I want him to live the fullest life he can.</P>
<P>Any thoughts are appreciated!</P>
 
B

Blessed4Times

New member
<P><BR>This past weekend I made the mistake of picking the worst movie possible from the movie store. I grabbed the movie "P.S. I love you" from the "date night" section without even reading the info on the back. It's about a30 year old woman whose35 year old husband dies of a brain tumorright after they discuss having children and "starting" a life together.The woman becomes a widow at 30 and spends years honoring the memory of her husband and trying to figure out how to move on with her life. </P>
<P>Mysoon to be husband (30 y/o wth CF)looked at meand said "I will be surprised if I make it to 35." I am in my mid-twenties now and he said that he saw me in the movie as a widow at 30. This broke my heart. I don't think of life in amatter of how many days I have left with him. I think about ourlife together today, next week, next month, and sometimes next year, but nothing beyond that because things can change rather quickly with CF. </P>
<P>For those of youCFers over 30 with husbands, wives, and children to take care of, how do you discuss life expectancy when your loved ones are approaching the "median" age for CF?When we were discussing this on Saturday I got very emotional and couldn't discuss it any more. Is there any rational way you have found to discuss the topic?Howdo you move on with life and plan for thingslike vacation andbuying/selling a house ora car without letting CF rule your life? I letmy fear take over more than I should, but I want him to live the fullest life he can.</P>
<P>Any thoughts are appreciated!</P>
 
K

Keepercjr

Guest
Remember what a median is. It is a middle point in a set of numbers. NOT an average. Medians can easily be skewed.

I think the bigger question here is why doesn't your husband think he will make it to 35??? I am 30 with CF, my husband is 33 and I don't envision him a widower in the next few years. BUT I do think good planning is important. When we get out of debt next year I plan to do some wise investing so that should something happen to me he will have some extra money to support himself and the kids. And if nothing happens to me then we will have plenty of money to retire on. After all, he got plenty of life insurance so that I could survive w/o him if he died early. Since I can not get life insurance other than the small policy my parents got for me when I was born and before I was diagnosed w/ CF we need to be a little more savvy with our financial planning. With things like buying a house I think it is important that you can do it on 1 income (yours). If it requires his job or other source of income, don't do it. We rent our house from my parents and instead of moving out to our own place we bought a townhouse to use as a rental since it just made more sense financially (and for long term investing). We got it in his name (we will add my name at some point) using only his income. I do get Social Security but he would not get that if I died. As for vacations, cars and other shorter term financial issues, just plan like any normal couple would.

If you are truly worried about this, a visit with a good financial planner would probably help a lot.
 
K

Keepercjr

Guest
Remember what a median is. It is a middle point in a set of numbers. NOT an average. Medians can easily be skewed.

I think the bigger question here is why doesn't your husband think he will make it to 35??? I am 30 with CF, my husband is 33 and I don't envision him a widower in the next few years. BUT I do think good planning is important. When we get out of debt next year I plan to do some wise investing so that should something happen to me he will have some extra money to support himself and the kids. And if nothing happens to me then we will have plenty of money to retire on. After all, he got plenty of life insurance so that I could survive w/o him if he died early. Since I can not get life insurance other than the small policy my parents got for me when I was born and before I was diagnosed w/ CF we need to be a little more savvy with our financial planning. With things like buying a house I think it is important that you can do it on 1 income (yours). If it requires his job or other source of income, don't do it. We rent our house from my parents and instead of moving out to our own place we bought a townhouse to use as a rental since it just made more sense financially (and for long term investing). We got it in his name (we will add my name at some point) using only his income. I do get Social Security but he would not get that if I died. As for vacations, cars and other shorter term financial issues, just plan like any normal couple would.

If you are truly worried about this, a visit with a good financial planner would probably help a lot.
 
K

Keepercjr

Guest
Remember what a median is. It is a middle point in a set of numbers. NOT an average. Medians can easily be skewed.
<br />
<br />I think the bigger question here is why doesn't your husband think he will make it to 35??? I am 30 with CF, my husband is 33 and I don't envision him a widower in the next few years. BUT I do think good planning is important. When we get out of debt next year I plan to do some wise investing so that should something happen to me he will have some extra money to support himself and the kids. And if nothing happens to me then we will have plenty of money to retire on. After all, he got plenty of life insurance so that I could survive w/o him if he died early. Since I can not get life insurance other than the small policy my parents got for me when I was born and before I was diagnosed w/ CF we need to be a little more savvy with our financial planning. With things like buying a house I think it is important that you can do it on 1 income (yours). If it requires his job or other source of income, don't do it. We rent our house from my parents and instead of moving out to our own place we bought a townhouse to use as a rental since it just made more sense financially (and for long term investing). We got it in his name (we will add my name at some point) using only his income. I do get Social Security but he would not get that if I died. As for vacations, cars and other shorter term financial issues, just plan like any normal couple would.
<br />
<br />If you are truly worried about this, a visit with a good financial planner would probably help a lot.
 
Y

yrmathews

New member
I am 33 yrs old with cf. My wife and I've been married for 12 yrs and have 3 kids. I've been sick a lot this yr so this topic is very fresh for us. But we always plan for the future so either one of us and the kids would be financially secure if the other dies. It's not an easy discussion but very important. We just signed life insurance policies for each of us and the kids last night and are investing some money each month in the market to save up for whenever that "time" comes. CF is unpredictable but you can plan and still enjoy each day.
 
Y

yrmathews

New member
I am 33 yrs old with cf. My wife and I've been married for 12 yrs and have 3 kids. I've been sick a lot this yr so this topic is very fresh for us. But we always plan for the future so either one of us and the kids would be financially secure if the other dies. It's not an easy discussion but very important. We just signed life insurance policies for each of us and the kids last night and are investing some money each month in the market to save up for whenever that "time" comes. CF is unpredictable but you can plan and still enjoy each day.
 
Y

yrmathews

New member
I am 33 yrs old with cf. My wife and I've been married for 12 yrs and have 3 kids. I've been sick a lot this yr so this topic is very fresh for us. But we always plan for the future so either one of us and the kids would be financially secure if the other dies. It's not an easy discussion but very important. We just signed life insurance policies for each of us and the kids last night and are investing some money each month in the market to save up for whenever that "time" comes. CF is unpredictable but you can plan and still enjoy each day.
 
K

Keepercjr

Guest
Yancee what type of life insurance did you get? I'm under the impression that I can not get life insurance due to having CF.
 
K

Keepercjr

Guest
Yancee what type of life insurance did you get? I'm under the impression that I can not get life insurance due to having CF.
 
K

Keepercjr

Guest
Yancee what type of life insurance did you get? I'm under the impression that I can not get life insurance due to having CF.
 
T

TleighsHusband

Guest
Some good advice already given -- much of the decisions and looking forward is just like any other couple should be doing regardless of the CF. I would encourage folks to put together a living trust that spells out some of the issues raised above and is especially important if you have children and for some reason both parents pass away due to an accident. We made long term life plans as if Tiffany would outlive me and then lived daily life in light of CF realities. We made vacation plans but let folks know that those plans could change at the last minute if health issues came up. We traveled across the country, traveled internationally, and had some great vacations with most of them at a quiet spot in the mountains. We also worked hard on living on one income because we knew that Tiffany would be out of work for periods of time and that she would have to leave work all together on short notice most likely. We also did not talk about it constantly. We usually took one day of our vacation and evaluated the last year and then came up with goals for the next year. These goals would cover everything from our relationship, to finances, to health issues, to educational goals, to work goals. It was our time of getting on the same page again. We did talk through "end stage" CF so when it came we didn't have to dwell on it and we knew what we were wanting to do (we also made sure her parents knew so that it would not cause any conflict down the road). BTW - we also had one of the those movie moments but with the movie My Sister's Keeper -- talk about a cry fest! It was good though because it helped us talk through some of what she was feeling and gave me greater understanding of the pressure she was feeling with her health. Keep talking and Keep listening!
 
T

TleighsHusband

Guest
Some good advice already given -- much of the decisions and looking forward is just like any other couple should be doing regardless of the CF. I would encourage folks to put together a living trust that spells out some of the issues raised above and is especially important if you have children and for some reason both parents pass away due to an accident. We made long term life plans as if Tiffany would outlive me and then lived daily life in light of CF realities. We made vacation plans but let folks know that those plans could change at the last minute if health issues came up. We traveled across the country, traveled internationally, and had some great vacations with most of them at a quiet spot in the mountains. We also worked hard on living on one income because we knew that Tiffany would be out of work for periods of time and that she would have to leave work all together on short notice most likely. We also did not talk about it constantly. We usually took one day of our vacation and evaluated the last year and then came up with goals for the next year. These goals would cover everything from our relationship, to finances, to health issues, to educational goals, to work goals. It was our time of getting on the same page again. We did talk through "end stage" CF so when it came we didn't have to dwell on it and we knew what we were wanting to do (we also made sure her parents knew so that it would not cause any conflict down the road). BTW - we also had one of the those movie moments but with the movie My Sister's Keeper -- talk about a cry fest! It was good though because it helped us talk through some of what she was feeling and gave me greater understanding of the pressure she was feeling with her health. Keep talking and Keep listening!
 
T

TleighsHusband

Guest
Some good advice already given -- much of the decisions and looking forward is just like any other couple should be doing regardless of the CF. I would encourage folks to put together a living trust that spells out some of the issues raised above and is especially important if you have children and for some reason both parents pass away due to an accident. We made long term life plans as if Tiffany would outlive me and then lived daily life in light of CF realities. We made vacation plans but let folks know that those plans could change at the last minute if health issues came up. We traveled across the country, traveled internationally, and had some great vacations with most of them at a quiet spot in the mountains. We also worked hard on living on one income because we knew that Tiffany would be out of work for periods of time and that she would have to leave work all together on short notice most likely. We also did not talk about it constantly. We usually took one day of our vacation and evaluated the last year and then came up with goals for the next year. These goals would cover everything from our relationship, to finances, to health issues, to educational goals, to work goals. It was our time of getting on the same page again. We did talk through "end stage" CF so when it came we didn't have to dwell on it and we knew what we were wanting to do (we also made sure her parents knew so that it would not cause any conflict down the road). BTW - we also had one of the those movie moments but with the movie My Sister's Keeper -- talk about a cry fest! It was good though because it helped us talk through some of what she was feeling and gave me greater understanding of the pressure she was feeling with her health. Keep talking and Keep listening!
 
W

wskirchner

New member
It's so funny, I'm going through my own issues this Spring into Summer and now Summer into Fall. My health has drastically declined and myself and my husband have really had to think this over. We had a family meeting at the hospital the last time we really had a good talk about it with me, my husband, my mom and my sister (my dad passed away 3 years ago). We sat down and talked about everything. Transplant, lobectomy, disability, etc. Suffice it to say it was not a fun conversation BUT necessary. My husband and I have been married for 4+ years and he is the optimist and I think this was good for him to come floating back to Earth a little and for my realistic self to grow a little wings (hope doesn't hurt anything). Anyway like everyone is saying; talk, plan, write it down and for goodness sakes get a living will!! And write down everything in your will. I recently started a blog to talk about CF life and the downhill slide and we invested in a video camera so everyone has videos of better days should things slide faster than expected. Plan, plan and LIVE while you can!!
 
W

wskirchner

New member
It's so funny, I'm going through my own issues this Spring into Summer and now Summer into Fall. My health has drastically declined and myself and my husband have really had to think this over. We had a family meeting at the hospital the last time we really had a good talk about it with me, my husband, my mom and my sister (my dad passed away 3 years ago). We sat down and talked about everything. Transplant, lobectomy, disability, etc. Suffice it to say it was not a fun conversation BUT necessary. My husband and I have been married for 4+ years and he is the optimist and I think this was good for him to come floating back to Earth a little and for my realistic self to grow a little wings (hope doesn't hurt anything). Anyway like everyone is saying; talk, plan, write it down and for goodness sakes get a living will!! And write down everything in your will. I recently started a blog to talk about CF life and the downhill slide and we invested in a video camera so everyone has videos of better days should things slide faster than expected. Plan, plan and LIVE while you can!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top