Divorce rate with parents of CF'ers

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anonymous

New member
Hello,
I am a Mom to an child with CF. I also have another child without cf. I am thinking about leaving my husband. I often think about the future and CF and what our son will face but I also don't think it is fair to me to stay in a marriage I am not happy in. Is that totally selfish of me? I am really torn up inside. I am so sad for my son with CF (and his brother) but I am also sad most of the time as a result of my marriage. I feel like I am "stuck" as a result of the CF. I should mention that the CF has of course caused great stress and sadness in both our lives but our little guy is a blessing and is so far doing great. I would like to hear from those with CF who were raised in a family affected by divorce and those who are raising a child with CF in this situation. Sometimes all of it is more than I can take and I am not even the one with CF (which makes me feel even MORE guilty about feeling this way...)
 
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ETB

New member
My parents were in a bad marriage and they postponed divorce for my sake, and I believe it made it worse. The LAST thing any child needs, especially one with a full plate of CF, is fighting parents or tension in the house. One thing. If you do decide to get a divorce, no matter what happens, don't talk bad about the other parent in front of the child, that is just as bad.
 
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anonymous

New member
Yes, that is totally selfish of you , since you asked. Unless he's abusing you or committed adultery, yes, you are selfish.
 
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anonymous

New member
Numerous studies have shown that the unhappily married couples who "stay together for the sake of the kids" produce the most screwed-up kids of all!

Yes it's good to try to stay married, but if you have tried counseling,etc and it's still bad - sometimes that's the only remaining alternative!
 
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anonymous

New member
I have CF and my parents divorced when I was 10 years old. I have to say, it was a big relief when it finally ended. I could hardly take the situation anymore. There was a lot going on that was pretty bad. My having CF had no affect on whether they stayed together or not. I'm not sure how bad your situation is, but I do believe you should try everthing possible to make a marriage work (including counseling) regardless of having a child with CF or not; unless your in a sitution of abuse or something that is really harsh which is having an affect on ANY of your children as well. I'm just not sure why you're not happy in your marriage, so it's hard to answer your questions.
 
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anonymous

New member
My husbands parents divorced when he was about three and his brother was six, and it was best for everyone in the family. There is no sense in anybody staying in a marriage where nobody is happy, in the end you and your children will only end up more unhappy.

Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)
 
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cfmomma

New member
I have to agree with ETB, sometimes it is much worse to stay in an unhealthy marriage than to get divorced and move on. My husband and I (we have a son with CF) went through a very rough spot about six months ago. I even moved back in with my parents for a while. I too felt guilty and longed for freedom, we argued all the time and were both completely stressed out and it was starting to affect our son. We have fortunatly been able to focus on resolving our marital problems and are doing much better. Having a child with CF is very stressful and has caused some friction, but its certainly not the root of our problems, only a catalyst. I recommend counseling for the two of you, it can't hurt. If you do get divorced don't talk bad about your husband (like ETB said), and never let your child feel that his CF is what caused the marital problems. You are not alone-this is surprisingly common. And try to ignore the self-righteous comments from those who think "their" way is the only way. The social worker and psychologist at my son's CF clinic were extremely helpful in deciding what worked best for our situation. feel free to email me if you need to talk in private; sheli_janik@hotmail.com
 
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JazzysMom

New member
I have been through a divorce with no children involved. It was devistating, but at the same time refreshing. I have seen many families be destroyed by the well meaning parents staying together. If a Mom/Dad are arguing or even just being disgusted, but not actually arguing with each other, the kids pick up on it. Anyone who says the kids dont are fools. Kids pick up on things we dont realize. I believe everyone should do the best to save their marriage through counseling etc, but sometimes it just isnt meant to work. If a person is truly unhappy, feeling stuck & counseling isnt the solution then maybe divorce is. Its an individual decision & must be seen through the persons eyes only. Look at the whole picture not just the "politically" correct one.
 
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Justsmurfin

New member
My parents are still together but I know its because they truly love eachother and not because of me! I would never want to be the only thing that kept my parents together
 
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anonymous

New member
To Anonymous who stated this person was selfish...obviously you have never been in a situation like this. A bad marriage is not characterized only by adultery or abuse. Get real.
 
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WinAce

New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>Anonymous</b></i><br>Yes, that is totally selfish of you , since you asked. Unless he's abusing you or committed adultery, yes, you are selfish.<hr></blockquote>

Please sit down and get a clue, anonymous.

I wish my parents had severed all ties when they divorced. Instead, they continued maintaining contacts with each other, largely "for my sake" (and with their hating each others' guts, that was NOT pretty). And while I make it a strict policy never to hate anyone, I really think that'll be largely responsible for any psychological problems I come down with in future.
 
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JazzysMom

New member
What exactly does anonymous consider abuse? Black & blue marks only. Even if a spouse/partner is not physically, mentally or verablly abusing the other doesnt make the relationship more acceptable. Sometimes things just are not meant to be. We all make decision that turn out not to be the best & we deal with the situations that arise from those decisions. No matter what the situations.
 
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anonymous

New member
I am probably the last person to say something on this subject. However, for what it's worth, my wife and I had a daughter w/cf, who died at age 18, and a son w/cf, who will turn 46 11/1/05. This past April, we celebrated our 49th wedding aniversary. Has it all been sunshine and roses? You know the answer to that, of course not. Has it all been bad or worse, of course not. Have the both of us had to work like crazy to still be together, you bet. Did we stay together just for our children. I sure hope not. Is it easy for ANY 2 people to live together for any length of time, you better believe it. I believe that every person and every situation is different and can only be helped/saved by the 2 parties involved. Anything I say or for that matter anything anyone else on this board has to say is meaningless. What you AND YOUR SPOUSE want, need and are willing to work for and fight for is all that matters. Which ever way the 2 of you decide to go, just do the best you can. Best of luck to you. your husband and to your sons. Bill
P.S. I've tried several times to be able to put my name on these forums, but apparently messed it up the first time and have been unable to do it right since then. Maybe some day I'll try again.
 
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anonymous

New member
I will say that my parents probably stayed together for my sake and because my dad had my mom beat down so much mentally that he had convinced her that she couldn't make it on her own even if she tried.
Very unhappy childhood and my dad was physically abusive to some of us kids. That could have been avoided had mom left him, but he was very manulipative and probably would have somehow got her to move back or got custody of us, not because he really wanted us, but to prove a point.
They stuck it out, she did finally leave him after us kids moved away from home and that's what it took to change him & they are not blissfully married, but still married and happier after enduring all of it.

I wish I could tell you what to do. Like the other poster said, this has to be your decision and a lot of times, couples do just leave a relationship just because the spark is gone. Well, unfortunately after about 1.5-2.0 yrs, that can happen no matter how many times you marry, then you're stuck w/ the "character" of your spouse. That's why it's good to marry someone that is genuinely a good person on the inside in addition to being someone you're initially attracted to.
Dr Phil (just kidding)
 
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anonymous

New member
Bill, do you mean register? If you go to the Forum Help section and post, the moderators can help you out. If that doesn't work after a few days, let me know, give your email or contact info and I will post to the moderators. When you log in there is a button that says report this to the moderator and sends and email to them so I can do that for you if posting in the forum help doesn't resolve it.

Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)
 
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Bill

New member
Julie,
Thanks for making me try again! I'm not 100% sure that I'm really on or not, but I tried "one more time" and I think I was successful. I guess after I send this reply to you, I should be able to see my reply and my name. I think? There have been many times that this PC is just too much for this tired, infirmed, old man to comprehend. Thanks again. Bill
 
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JenniferNJ

New member
I am not a huge fan of divorce however, I do feel it has its place. I have CF but my parents didn't know when I was little... but I was sick all the time and my parents constantly fought.. My dad and mom got divorced when I was 12 and the divorce was final when I was 16. My dad married my moms former good friend...

I couldn't wait for my parents to get divorced, they fought all the time, no one was ever happy especially us kids. I used to cry myself to sleep listening to my parents have 'discussions" I was so happy they were finally not under the same house until I saw how devasted my mom was ( rightfully so).. If you do decide to leave, please do something to show your kids that you are happy or working on becomming happy.. otherwise it isn't worth while or going to benefit the kids

I don't know what your situation is in your marraige or why you are unhappy but I do hope you think real hard about divorce. I see lots of ppl divorce because they have the throw away mentailty of I don't love you anymore good bye. For me personnally I don't think that would be good enough for me to leave... but that is my belief system I don't believe in the disposable society we live in. I am in no way impossing my belief system on you at all .. In fact I think if you can't work it out leave because your kids are miserable I can almost guarentee it..I truly believe that a kid does best and thrives the most when their parents are healthy mentally.. so what ever you have to do to be healthy mentally I would do it..

I agree with the other posters, make it so clear that you are not and their father is not divorcing them. ( the kids) My mother told me my dad left so he would stop yelling at me for playing with dolls.. Talk about guilt.. I threw all my dolls away that day and never played with them again.. They were just trying to make me feel better but yikes..

My parents still talk bad about each other to me and now that I am an adult I stop it.....

Bottom line is do what is in your heart....I wish you much peace in what ever you do... and hope that you can have a life of joy.
 
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lovingBenandCambree

New member
My parents too divorced when I was 5. It definitely leaves scars but it was the best for all involved. There were things that I wish my parents didn't do after the divorce, such as manipulate and all of that type of stuff. As for getting a divorce, I don't mean to be harsh, divorce is always selfish. You are obviously wanting to leave to make your life better and yes that is selfish, but that doesn't mean that it is necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes being selfish is the best thing that we can do for ourselves at the time. If you don't believe that there can be happiness in this marriage then don't stay in it for the kids. It never does anybody any good. But if you do decide to stay then I would hope that you would be able to make it a happy atmosphere for all involved and especially for yourself. I believe the old saying if the mother aint happy aint nobody happy. Divorce is a big step and because you have children you will never be completely rid of each other. I do have to say that both my parents were fortunate to marry again and have both found happiness. I hope this helps in some small way. Good luck with your decision and let your heart guide you to what you think is best.

Emilee with 2 E's
 
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anonymous

New member
I married at 20 years old because I was pregnant. I know, the wrong reason. Things were good for a while, but then they started going downhill. We split up for a while and then decided to get back together. Big mistake. When we got back together I got pregnant again. Our second child was born in October of 2004. On February 14th, 2005 he was diagnosed with CF. On February18th, 2005 I moved out. In a way, I think that if our son was healthy I would still be there trying to make it work, but now, everything I have has to be focused on my children, not trying to save a marriage that ins't salvagable. So for the last 5 months, I have been a single parent raising a 4 year old (without CF) and a 9 month old with CF. It's by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But, if you truely feel that you do not want to be in that marriage you have to think about you and your children. Do what you feel is best for them. They need you. You are the only person they have. You aren't going to do them a whole lot of good if you aren't feeling good about yourself. My mom always told me, from the day I found out I was pregnant with my 4 year old. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of them. I wish you and your children the best. You have a long road ahead of you. If you feel like talking more about this, I am always willing to help or just to listen. You can email me at wundernikle@aol.com. Good Luck!
 
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