Dumped because I have CF...

[kenna2]

Unfortunately another relationship has ended for me because the person I was dating decided they didn't want to deal with my CF. This is the third time this has happened to me. I do understand that asking someone to take it on is a big challenge for them and I don't want to be with someone who won't be happy. However I am now beyond scared to get rejected again because of something that I can't control. I've talked to my therapist about this but I don't feel she gets it. Those of you who are married or in a relationship, what have you done to make it work? I'm beyond lost at this point. I'm healthy for the most part and I'm open and honest about what's going on with me. Those of you who have spouses with CF, what advice can you give in telling someone about CF and how to help them understand what's involved.

 

[Dank]

Hey! I think I may be able to shed some light on my experience here. I am currently going through a decline which will result in a piccline and some antibiotics. (Piccline is scheduled for this afternoon). I am currently with a girlfriend of almost three years, and it has been fantastic of course. (Not she's not reading this, I really think it's going great, and so does she!) I've struggle to get here with relationships though. I've ended relationships due to feeling the weight of our relationship outweighing my health -having negative impacts on my health. I've had a wide-array of reactions from GFs or women I've dated regarding my CF.

I've had what I consider to be three or four adult relationships (at 27) and all of the women were "ok" with my CF. I've had many different levels of reactions from completely disconnected to overly sensitive about my CF. I've had problems really communicating about my CF, and somehow I've managed to get some partners who have been overall okay with it. I've dated a lot though, and the CF is something I always reserve for later in the dating. I think I dated for several weeks before I brought it up, just so it wouldn't be an issue. At that point we were already hooked but it really is a tough conversation to have. At first i just explain it as a more rough asthma-like illness, then once things get a little bit more serious then I explain things more. I usually reserve the conversation for them to ask, and I don't seek it out, because it gets overwhelming very quickly.

I can relate to the rejection. I've tried a lot of times to just talk to someone while having problems with my CF, and for them it was like they felt too bad to really get close to me. They didn't want to be with someone who was always sick or who couldn't keep a positive attitude. Generally I'd say it sucks. Dating sucks. You want to find someone genuine who wants to be with you, and is okay with your good days and your bad ones. Everyone feels like because you get along, or maybe have hobbies, can hold a conversation that your relationship will be great - that's not true at all. That's just the good times. How you handle the bad times will really define if the relationship will work or not.

My current GF is struggling to not be sad and almost pity me for my current health issues. She feels helpless and she's struggling to be "okay" with the health constantly declining. It makes her work harder though to try to make me healthier, so I think its not all bad. At the end of the day what you want is someone who can handle the bad times, and someone who can inspire you to take better care of yourself. If you can find that, I think you'll be in a good place.

Eastern philosophy states that the opportunities didn't work out because something better was right around the corner. Just keep your head up, focus on yourself, and someone will come along who inspires you to be healthier, better, and wants to work with you towards achieving that. I can't stress how important these qualities are for someone with CF. Best of luck!

 

[welshwitch]

Here's a question for you: how are you presenting your CF to your potential partner? Is it "I have this health issue" or is it "I have this terminal, chronic, life ending health issue that will be catastrophic for both of us" . I'm asking because I presented it as the latter in my younger days, and I think it really freaked people out. If you're doing the former, think of this as a weeding-out process. Some people just can't deal with health issues! And that's just how it's going to be.

CF is NOT a deal breaker!!!!

I've been with my current boyfriend almost 5 years and not once has he expressed concern that he couldn't "handle" it. Everyone has something, be it health problems, mental issues, family baggage, etc. etc. etc.

Better things are around the corner!!!

 

[kenna2]

Basically I tell them (after sometime because I want them to see me as a person) that I have some health issues. I explain CF as a disease where the mucus in my lungs is really thick and difficult to get out, so I cough from time to time. I only try and paint CF in a positive light because for us we do have some good things with the disease. I always offer to answer any questions they might have. But I do try to show that there is more to me than just CF. Thank you for your responses

 

[welshwitch]

Sounds like you're doing a good job presenting it! Can I ask how old you are? Keep your head up!!!!

 

[kenna2]

I'm 30....diagnosed at 7

 

[welshwitch]

After dropping a couple guys who couldn't handle my health situation….I decided to move to a new city, get a new job, and start a new life with confidence!

I had to be in the right head space, get my confidence back, identify negative influences in my life and get rid of them….

I was 30 then…..4 months later, at 31, I met my current boyfriend.

 

[Ank]

Y is it so necessary to b in a relationship??

 

[kenna2]

I never said anything about it being necessary...however, it's something I would like. So I am going to try and make that happen.

 

[static]

Y is it so necessary to b in a relationship??

To me it boils down to examining quality of life, and through that evaluation age range comes into play as well as everything that is suppose to happen within that age range. Speaking only for myself (and trying to stay on topic as best I can) I have been struggling with this a lot lately.

As a kid I was never really big into relationships, mostly because I had, and still very much do have, the doom and gloom mindset welshwitch talked about. For the most part though, it didn't really bother me. I was active in every other area, so examining my quality of life with others wasn't such a big deal. However now I have the desire, at least within my brain chemistry, to be with someone. It is then reinforced with social media posts about friend x getting married, friend y having a baby, friend z starting some other big milestone (I've had to take a break from that for a while).

I do not think I will ever act on it, but I know it is there and I would support anyone who does. I'll end by posting a question Bill Nye answered recently. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvYDCt9Inow

To be in a relationship, to get married, to have kids, it is a very personal decision. While not necessary, I certainly believe it is a topic worthy of discussing and getting support for. (Sorry in advance if this sounded like an attack, it was not my intention).

 

[Gammaw]

I know I'm also concerned how my currently-getting-bigger-little-guy will deal with people, potential girlfriends, who are worried about getting involved with him because he has CF. But I've come to really believe that if you want a real marriage, those who can't deal with CF now are people you will not want as a spouse later either. Sure, your friends are healthy now, life is fun, good, easy relatively speaking. So its easy to fall in love with someone you find physically attracted to, and who shares your interests, and is good to be with. But that's now. Whether you have CF, or are a perfect (appearing) specimen on the cover of Healthy Times magazine, life is still headed your way, their way, everyone's way. By life, I mean problems, angst, health issues, money issues, infidelity, parenting differences, career changes, you name it. Life. With all the joys, career advances, stimulating hobbies, travel, relationships, children (adopted or natural), loving people and good times. Life. If your prospective partner can't handle CF, then I suggest they won't be able to handle the challenges of life by your side even if you didn't have CF. Say goodbye to them with a tear.....but be relieved. It's easier now, than disappointment, devastation and divorce later when they show their true colors. Stress will come to a relationship. Through CF or otherwise. Best have them pass a bit of the stress test now!
Blessings.

 

[ethan508]

But I've come to really believe that if you want a real marriage, those who can't deal with CF now are people you will not want as a spouse later either.

^This a very true. If a potential partner can handle this you've found someone that is extra special. CF will give your relationships an automatic filter that shows their true character. I think a caveat to this, is that it also will reveal something about yourself as you approach relationships. I know for some of my relationships I've had to solve some of my own personal hang-ups in order to help the relationship move forward.

My best relationships with people are those where I (or they) don't force CF as a central part of the relationship or a central part of me. I've never wanted people to only think of me as 'that kid with CF'. I've wanted them to think of me as a nice person, or a person that make them laugh, or a follower of Christ, or a brilliant engineer, or a great outdoorsman, or a dedicated family man, or a million other things. Then if/when they know I have CF, I'm all those other things in spite of having one pair of 'inconvenient' genes. Sometimes people just can't get past CF and those people miss out on the dynamic person I am because they got hung up on 1 feature. Too bad for them.

 

[welshwitch]

GREAT response Ethan!

 

[mayan71boss79]

My dear kenna2, please do not feel bad. Honestly it is hard to find a person that will love you for you. I am male 37 years old with cf since 5 or 7 months old. anyway when i was younger i did not tell anyone about my cf. i truly thought i was weird and strange. i did not say anything to the few girlfriends i had because deep down i knew they were not ready or mature enough to handle it. for the most part cfers mature quicker i think because we deal with life and death at a very young age, for example staying in the hospital and giving ourselves the meds in the i.v's even though technically we should not do that and etc. anyway i am with my wife for 8 years but married for 2 of the years. as a matter of fact today is our 2 year anniversary. 11/12/13 @14:15 in the afternoon. i did that on purpose so i will never forget the date. the way i told her and my ex was like this; after some dates and staying over and messing around i told them "You know what we have been serious and i want to stop right here. before we go any further i need to tell you something. i have cystic fibrosis. its not a good disease and there is no cure. my health is good and i try my best to keep it that way. do your own research and if you still want to be with me then give me a call. if not then just email me or text that this is a little to much for you. can you please do that for me." that was pretty much the bottom line. i even told them to call me or text me after a week so it can all sink in and let it settle. my ex and i broke up because of other issues not about cf. and well my wife is my life. i owe her my life because she has been with me through think and thin( a little punt intended) i hope that helps. just be blunt and honest because the way i see it we cfers have a lot to deal with and bullshit should be the last thing on our plates

 

[kenna2]

Congratulations on your Anniversary! I'm so happy for you!! It's cute how you remembered it too! I didn't think about that, but you are correct. We have had to mature much faster and have dealt with more serious adult situations than most will ever experience. I do sometimes forget that. I appreciate your input and wish you the best!

 

[occupyjapan]

I started dating my current girlfriend nearly 4 years ago. Due to past experiences, I always bring my CF up first so that I'm not accused of "hiding something", so I told her about it literally before we even met in person (we found each other via Craigslist in our city, haha). Luckily, my health is very good (FEV1/FVC both over 100% at age 31 with DDF508), so it hasn't been a massive issue but she's still very understanding about me having to do treatments and feeling a little "bleh" on some days. About this time last year, I got the flu which turned into a CF flare up and for the first time in years I decided to go into the hospital for a little stay (I'd normally have just done IV's at home, but realized having the flu complicated things) and she came with me, which was great. I have to be isolated due to MRSA, so she even got to sleep in the other bed in the room and we pretty much just hung out, ate mounds of bacon from the cafeteria and watched Netflix. It was actually quite a fun little vacation aside from, y'know, the whole flu/flare up thing.

Point being, there're a lot of jerks out there who will dump you for things you don't really have any control over and, alas, CF is one of those things. But the bright side is there are also really great people out there who will be totally accepting.

 

[Renee Vasquez]

Don't think to hard about it is my advice. "Normal" people have relationship issues too. As another poster said everyone has their own baggage. I am pretty lucky and nailed dating on my second try, so i'm not great at advice on how to date. BUT i have been in only long term relationships, so I am pretty great (If i do say so myself) at how to be in long term relationship. As other posters have already stated, you really are just weeding out the crap relationships. In any persons life, CF or not, it keeps not working, until it works. Its like that saying about a lost item is always in the last place you look. Because once you've found it you've stopped looking. Relationships are the same, they don't work out until you find the person you've been ment to find all along. Then you thank, whoever, that you didn't give so and so the time of day, or they broke your heart, because you would have been to busy in that go no where relationship to notice this one, THE ONE. I know lots of "normal" girls around 30 that haven't found a good relationship yet. Its just how life happens. One of the other posters also said how he met his girl on craigslist. Have you tried any different methods of meeting new candidates? Maybe the guys in your immediate surroundings are just not for you.

All in all, I think the key to finding something lasting is to just be confident that even if you don't find someone you'll be alright, and when you do find potential, be as honest as you can be. People think i'm weird for it but in the first few months of being with my fiance I told him " I'm not the sort of woman to have a career, I want to be a mom and a housewife. I want you to take care of us and me take care of them. I feel like school and work is a waste of my time with my kids, I don't know how long i'll get with them so I want to spend all of it with my family, enjoying them and preparing them for life. So if your looking for a partner who will work just as hard at their career as you will and who will help you build for retirement, thats not me and we should go our separate ways. I know what i bring to the table and I am confident its worth having. If you don't want that life, i'm okay with that. Someone will want that life with me." And he chose to have that life with me. But I was fully prepared for him to say no and us end. Always know what you have to offer and know you're worth the life you want, and you'll get it. Sidenote I then had our first child and stopped working for months and was like oh heck no this is boring i need at least some time at a job with adults. lol. Life is ALWAYS teaching us.

Goodluck on your journey sugar. Don't be hard on yourself, things happen when they're due to and not a second before.