thank you fr3ak. that is exactly what i feel is going on. while i was going through recovery, i felt almost no pain. i only had visions of what i wanted to do. i had plans of finishing school and i have wanted kids since i was 10 more than anything in life. when they first wanted to put me on the list i almost had my self artificially inseminated. i have only wanted to be a mom and wife. i had a boyfriend at the time of surgery but knew we werent a 'forever' couple. i had a list of things i wanted to do with him though now that i was healthy. the whole year and a half we were together before surgery i always told him 'i wish you had known me before i got sick' and now he was getting that chance. and then he wouldnt do anything i wanted to do with him and i found out he had cheated on me with a couple girls while i was dying the few months before my surgery in 07. we broke up as friends knowing our relationship was bad for us. and i met THE man of my dreams and everything i have ever prayed for this past summer in 08. he lived 2000 miles away and i was to move with him and we were to start our lives. i was going to finish school in a program i found before i met him that i was so excited about and he was told he would be going back to war in afghanastan with in the year. i went back to ohio like planned for the few months and his life also flipped out as his post tramatic stress from going to iraq in 04 got worse and he pulled away and now all the plans i had are again gone. we barely talk anymore and he was my stability, my constant. he knew me now, not as i was. he didnt know the sick me. he saw a person that had scars from fighting hell and winning just as i saw a man who faught to keep me free. he wasnt like everyone else always telling me how i have changed or looking at me like some fragile person that cant do anything without permission. and now i dont have him. and school i am working on and had to postpone due to kidney funtion getting bad so moving to cali from ohio (which is very far from pitts) while i needed more supervision wasnt a good idea. i have been working very hard to get it lined up for fall this year and keep hitting so many financial blocks and issues that i feel so hopeless that it will happen. so my professional and personal future dreams are just slipping away while i fight like hell but still have to fight other demons such as after transplant effects, family issues, personal past issues, money issues, i mean just keeps piling on. and to top it all off, i have always been an empath. i was the person everyone broght their problems to for advice but i would end up taking on their problems and emotions and they would become my own making me feel guilty about things i had no part in and so on. that is still occuring on top of me trying to rebuild myself. this is the first time i have ever been so certain of where i want to go (work as a therapist at a childrens hospital for children with simialar life situations as the one i grew up in with 'terminal' illness) how i want to do it (program in cali) and who i want to share it all with (dream guy from this summer) but hit road blocks everywhere i go and feel like everyone in my life is part of some massive plan to keep me from beinging happy with my own life dreams for myself. does that better explain as a whole the 'lost' feeling?
ps i know that was kind of chaotic in writing and hope you can follow it. im an emotional writer so sometimes its eratic.
ps i know that was kind of chaotic in writing and hope you can follow it. im an emotional writer so sometimes its eratic.