feeling alone

[anonymous]

I went through a horrible break up over a month ago. I loved this guy more than anything in this world. We were engaged and we were going to get married nov/2005. We had to postpone the wedding because I was really sick that year...then he got sick so funds were low. We rescheduled the wedding for oct/2006. For a long while I had that gut feeling in the pit of my stomach, that voice saying 'don't do it'. I found out he had lied to me about doing drugs so I broke up with him. That night he tried to commit suicide. The guilt pulled me in and I cried and cried at his bedside in the hospital. Told him I will help him get better and go to counseling with him, I ate dinner with him and his family the next day. All our 'problems' went away for that one day. One week later I cut all contact by advice from my councilor and close friend.
I think of him every day. I miss him so much. I miss going to bed with him and waking up with him. I miss our talks. The little things...like when I wake up at 4 am coughing he would get up and rub my back. He took care of me when I was sick. I miss crying on his shoulder. I don't want to fight this on my own. I'm so lonely. I hate my life right now. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of feeling like I'll be alone forever.
I really want to call him but I can't...instead, I wrote this.
Thanks for listening.

 

[anonymous]

I am listening and I am sorry that are going through this difficult period. Give it some time. I am proud that you decided to take this step. It was not easy but you did it. This means that you want more for yourself and for him. What you both had was not working. Focus on your health and well being. YOU CAN DO THIS. Just know I am thinking of you and will keep you in my thoughts hoping that with each passing day you will find joy and peace within. <img src="i/expressions/heart.gif" border="0">

 

[kayleesgrandma]

Hold on, it really will get better. It just won't seem like it right now. If this guy was right for you, he wouldn't have lied to you. Thanks for shareing with us--we're here for you.--terri<img src="i/expressions/brokenheart.gif" border="0">

 

[Jane]

Writing things down is a good way to help organize your thoughts. Keep writing, we'll listen.

What a difficult thing you had to do, but it sounds like you are making a healthy choice. Doesn't make it any easier. Be strong!

 

[JazzysMom]

NO question that this is hard & its good that you are remembering the times in the relationship that were good. The fact that he lied to you about anything, but especially about doing drugs is not healthy. Its better to hurt now then way down the line when you might have needed him even more. I have faith that you can pull thru this!

 

[rebekahphillips]

You are never alone and there always will be family and good friends. You said that you had a feeling that you need to not marry this guy and found out the love of your life is doing drugs and lied to you.
First off, if you do go back you will ignore the feeling that you should not go through with marriage. If you do want to get married, then why do you want to go back to him if you had a bad feeling about marring him.
Secondly, he tried to commit suicide most likely of drugs and not because of you.
Drugs will always be there to tempt him. He needs consuling if he hasn't been. Look around for programs like CASA at a church or somewhere else. It will help all you took drugs and will help people who has been affected by people who use drugs. (like a mom will attend a CASA meeting to help deal with the hurt by a son who has been dealing with drugs.)
Last of all, if you need to talk to him talk to a friend you trust or talk to us, or email me.
You will be in my prayers.

 

[Faust]

Not to try and influence any ideas, but just so you know, just because someone is a shrink/counselor, does not mean they know everything. I know quite a few happy long term couples (some long time married with several kids now) that had very bumpy times in the begining, and yes, some counselors to them recommended to one or both that they not be together. People make mistakes, sometimes not for the best reasons (being deceitful, etc). As long as he was never abusing you physically, mentally, financially, or any other big hurtful way, if you guys really had it so good together, i say screw your counselor and call him and see what's up and maybe start casually dating.


All you said was that he lied to you about using drugs. While that shows some deceipt, it also can show he had a problem, and loved you enough to lie to cover up his problem, knowing that you might leave him (which he was right). Now I won't comment on the suicide thing. Sounds like the guy does indeed have problems. Everyone walking the face of the earth has problems, some much worse than others.


All I am trying to say is, as long as someone doesn't show repeated real bad behavior that drags you down with them, and they aren't abusive in the major understood ways, you could be abandoning a possible future diamond in the rough. Not to mention (and i'm not implying anyone should settle because of having CF), it's not the easiest thing to find a decent caring person who takes care of a CF patient and will put up with all of the crap it takes to put up with. So he lied about some drug use, and tried to kill himself. Bad things. Now take yourself out of yourself, and put yourself into the shoes of a typical person that might be interested in you. Now look at the mountain of craziness associated with that. Was he willing to take that on with a smile?


Just some food for thought.

 

[Faust]

Also I forgot to add to that. If you call him and go on a couple dates, it will give you some time to try and see if the guy has changed for the better, and has grown up some. I have no idea how old you are and how old he is, but most of us were complete morons when we were younger, and a good deal of us made real bad choices.


I have some extremely brilliant friends who turned out to be great professional people, but if you went back in time you would have said "That dude is for sure gonna end up in prison". Time can change people, if they want to change, and have the brains to learn from their mistakes.


Again, just food for thought.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you everyone for the support. I guess in the lonely times you just remember the good things.
Sean, I'm 25 and he is 30. The whole time we were together he also lied about money (cause he was spending it on drugs i guess). I had to suppot him financially - even when I was sick and missing time from work.
However, I appreciate your point of view on things. I know I carry alot of baggage...and he was there regardless.
Thank you again everyone. It really helped alot reading your comments.

 

[Faust]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>anonymous</b></i>

Thank you everyone for the support. I guess in the lonely times you just remember the good things.

Sean, I'm 25 and he is 30. The whole time we were together he also lied about money (cause he was spending it on drugs i guess). I had to suppot him financially - even when I was sick and missing time from work.

However, I appreciate your point of view on things. I know I carry alot of baggage...and he was there regardless.

Thank you again everyone. It really helped alot reading your comments.</end quote></div>



Yeah I mean I have no idea how bad things might have been, or what all happened. I was just going by the "He lied about drugs". My point was stated though. In the end, you know if it's too bad or just a few bumps in the road.

 

[anonymous]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>SeanDavis</b></i>

i say screw your counselor


Just some food for thought.</end quote></div>



Out of context, but some more food for thought.

 

[rebekahphillips]

A counselor can help someone talk about their problems and get know that there is help out there. A counselor is not a miralce worker but knows where someone can get solutions and help for whatever may be.
You can't help someone with a drug problem unless that person wants to get help for the drug problem. He might care and love for you endlessly but you have to chose if you want to supprot him and help him. But remember you can't change his drug problem. ( I know you can't change someone of a drug habit). You have to chose to help someone because you love someone. I must warn you it will be a long road of heartache when you help someone realize they have a drug problem and then be there when he changes. there will be heartache but you can get through this wiht God's help and your friend/familys help.

 

[Diane]

I dont know if this will help you feel better or not, but i'll tell it anyway. I lived with my boyfriend for 4 years before we got married and he had a serious drug problem. He went to NA ( Narcotics Anonymous) many times in an attempt to get help with it . Then we got engaged and he was doing well with his desire to quit drugs completely. A few months before the wedding i caught him doing drugs again, and started to have my doubts about whether i should marry this guy or not, but i was so deeply in love with him i refused to listen to my inner voice. Well we got married and guess what? On our wedding day he was doing drugs alongside his friends ( he didnt think i knew, but i knew all the signs) I was furious that he would disrespect me like that. Shortly after ,he agreed to go into a rehab after he sat on the bed one night with his gun in his hand deciding if he should just end it. Well that worked for a while but he was right back on his drugs and about 2 years later i decided i had enough. After 9 and a half years with him....No more! We divorced a little while after. Now i was healthy when i was with him, no cepacia ,no real lung problems so i was able to withstand all this crap, but now i wouldnt tollerate a minute of it. Now my health and well being come first before any man. I ran into my ex-husband last summer after not seeing him in 8 years and he is remarried with a beautiful daughter and.............. you guessed it, he is STILL on drugs. Unbelievable! He apologized to me about everything and told me he admires me because i had dreams and went after them and got them ( i built a Muscle Car), my lifelong dream that would have never happened if i stayed with him. When it comes to a person being on drugs, you just cant win that war for them they have to win it on their own, or you have to walk away. My counselor( while i was still with my ex) told me......" you can't save him, but you can save yourself " She was right, and i did .

 

[65rosessamurai]

I couldn't say it any better than Diane, without turning it into me preaching (and not having direct personal experience with it)
Though I do need to add a caution in regards to counselors. The counselors can only make an educated guess, based on the information given to them from the one source. If the counselor heard from both sides, maybe a more accurate educated guess can be accomplished, but with one side, there is a "plus alpha" for error.
I had generated this opinion, when I was asking someone for help, once.
So, the decision is still up to you, but I think a lot of people, including me are suggesting that you would be more fortunate in waiting for a better person. In the meantime, stick with family and friends to help you out of the "loneliness". Trust me, you do eventually see the light at the end of the dark tunnel!
Good Luck, and Godspeed!

 

[anonymous]

Its me again. He keeps sending me text msgs on my cell. They're nice msg's..."how are you", "did you go out tonight"......his attempt to be friends perhaps? I'm so confused and annoyed at the same time. I want to talk to him but I know that I shouldn't. It's not possible to be friends.....Is it?
Even if I did get back with him...he's horrible with money, he'd never be able to support me, especially if I was really sick and had to stop working....Is it wrong to be so worried about a financial future? Am I being cold-hearted thinking about money...no money = stress. stress = me getting more sick. me getting more sick = no work. back to no money. Besides that, my family or my friends will NEVER accept him in my life.....that = more stress in my life.
Maybe i'm just grieving the whole relationship thing. Missing companionship. Missing hugs and kisses. Missing someone telling me that i'm smart and pretty....even on the bad days. God I feel so ugly these days <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0"> Missing the company. Missing the good times.

 

[YEM]

I understand your pain.....love pain is the worst.
I had a relationship 7-8 years ago. I was with this man for 5 years and he was really good with me. He was too much in love with me and he cared all the time about me, we were really happy together and we had a lot of plans for the future. One day, ( I had never expected that), he told me that he wanted to break up with me becaused he had realised that he didn´t love me anymore and he was sick of my problems and my cf. I felt dying.....I hated life, and cf and me and during a long time i woke up every mornig with a horrible pain in my body, it was love pain. I though I would be alone for the rest of my life, i was 26 with cf.
Fortunately, I meet my current boyfriend, he was a friend of mine and one day we realised that we loved each other.....It has spent six years ( just today is our aniversary).
If I look to the past I thank life the choice to start of new. This last 6 years have been the best of my life, now I really know what means to be in love with someone.
Just, let the time going by and life will set things in their right place.

Very big huge

Yem

 

[rebekahphillips]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>anonymous</b></i>

. Besides that, my family or my friends will NEVER accept him in my life.....that = more stress in my life.



that should give you a big clure that he's not right for you. To you, they might not "accept him" they way you you and know how much "he loves you and good to you" but truth is more than a few people are looking out for your best intrest and how can so many people be wrong about a guy in your life. They are not in a club just to bash this guy but are generally concerned about you.
It's not wrong to worry about your future and finaces. With me, I have to worry about money because the medicial cost far surpass my yearly income. I am living with my parents even though I am 28 because my dad has a kick butt insurance. I am covered well with that insurance.
Write in your journal about what you are feeling, the negetive as well as the positive, and write about what he can offer you in the future. just putting all your stuff out there will help.

 

[thefrogprincess]

Seven months ago I was exactly where you are right now, although the cercumstances were different. I had also broken up with a "toxic" boyfriend but not before he played the whole "I've changed, take me back" game. I loved him so much and I thought the world was coming to an end. But then 2 months later I met Brian. He's so much better for me in every way. Please believe that there is someone out there for you. Someone who won't guilt you into staying with him, someone who will love you so much that you can't imagine life without him. You miss the good things in him now, but down the line you will realize how much was wrong.

 

[rebekahphillips]

who ever posted this, how are you doing?

 

[anonymous]

I READ YOUR EMAIL,I FEEL FOR YOU,BUT YOU HAVE MORE PEOPLE THAT CARE FOR YOU THEN YOU PROBABLY KNOW.THERE ARE A LOT OF GOOD THINGS COMING OUT FOR CF PATIENTS,SO HANG IN THERE AND DO WHAT YOU NEED TO TO STAY HEALTHY,,,YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS ..............