Feeling down about kids

[welshwitch]

OK, just a "I'm feeling down, help me see things a better way" post.

I'm 33, female....and of course hitting the age where a lot of my friends are starting to have kids.

It's weird...it's like, one day I woke up and next thing you know I'm 33!

Well , I'm starting to think that I like many women my age, I want kids. Unfortunately I'm not the type who can be honest when they say they don't want them and can picture their lives sans kids forever.

OK, more info. I'm not even remotely in a place to have kids right now. I'm not married, and I work full time and the idea of having a kid now boggles my mind. Oh yeah, and I have CF.

But....in the next 3 to 5 years I think that's when I'm going to have to get on it. And I am worried that it just won't happen for me. Ladies, help me out? What's the answer for healthy CF women who want kids? IVF? IUI? Adoption? Help a lady out.

Thanks in advance!

 

[welshwitch]

OH, and some more info. I have a boyfriend that I've been dating for almost 2 years. He could be the one! But again....where he is in life I can't see it happening right now. And....genetic testing? And what happens if I get sick? Soooo many variables....overwhelming

 

[LookingforPeace]

I'm in a similar boat. I am pushing the kids, house etc. I am not ready now but will be soon. My boyfriend and I took the first step and did the genetic testing. Once the results are in we will proceed further. I have lots of questions too. Where do you live? I know of resources in Toronto.

 

[sue3582]

I am 30 and I always thought we would have a child via surrogate. Well, we just started looking into it and I found out I have very few eggs left. My RE doesn't think it is CF related, which means I just have horrible luck. We are still going to try a round of IVF because my husband doesn't want to use an egg donor. I am not optimistic.

As for being sick, I do worry a lot about it. We would be getting a part time nanny so that I could do my nebulizers and rest. Even so, we are not sure we can handle it. It is such a hard decision to make. I worry that in a couple years, if vx708 (or some combo) comes out, we will regret not trying for a baby. It is just so hard to decide.

 

[welshwitch]

Thanks, ladies. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. It IS a hard decision. CF or not.

 

[semnle34]

I understand how you feel. I just turned 30 and have the itch again. I was blessed back in 2008 with my miracle baby girl. However the process was no picnic. I had to go through several rounds of fertility treatments to concieve her. It was costly and extremely stressful mentally and physically. I was sick a lot throughout my pregnancy. I was diagnosed one month before I got prego with diabetes. I was hospitalized two times for rounds of IV meds which added to the stress not knowing for sure if it would affect the baby. Its a huge tax on your body and the older I get the sicker Ive become. My doctor hasnt given me the green light to try again since this stupid Mycobacterium has been kicking my butt for the last 2 years. I just turned 30 and know the window of opportunity is dwindling. I would def keep it an option if you believe your BF is the one :0) I would def discuss it with him and get his thought on it. Stay healthy, work out and talk with your CF doctor. If your doing well he will most likely give you the green light. Most OBGYN's if you cant get prego naturally, will require your pulmonologist to approve the fertility treatments prior to. Good Luck!!!!!

 

[chelsie882003]

I know exactly how you ladies feel out there that are scared due to CF and Pregnancy! Im a 24yr old female. When i look in the past and in the future, all my bestfriends have grown up and have kids. Am i a jealous one, i am. Because i do want a kid. I have a boyfriend that i have been with for almost 2yrs, well we got engaged like 7 months ago. I always get my moments where i want atleast 1 kid. And ill be happy. Well my fiance is 30yrs old and he is a truck driver(in town) and he is the only one that works. I cant work because my lung capacity sucks (42%) and on top of that it doesnt help when im a diabetic, my sugars are so out of control and is making me sick. I was born in San Antonio TX and did very well with PFTS because of the humidity, now i live in Albuquerque NM and have been for 6yrs now. Everyone says the dry climate is good for people like me, but you would think since its so dry ur not getting any type of moisture at all, and not taking in that much Oxygen. Well now my fiance knows i cant have any kids right now because of my lung capacity and sugars being out of control. Now next yr he wants to get fixed i just wish he gave me some time to get better. so we can atleast try. But im so scared of being sick all the time and being hospitalized most of my pregnancy or having a dr come up to him and my parents saying "if chelsie lives the baby dies, if the baby lives chelsie can die" or they both can die. Im scared of things like that. I'm a very active person, i go to the gym 5x a week for an hr, i do alot of cardio. i go to school part time. i graduate in the Fall of 2013. I really want a kid, but with him being a truck driver and then coming home and resting before he goes back to sleep. i cant take care of the baby by myself. ill need my rest as well and i need to take care of myself with my treatments. jealous of my friends Everytime i get on FB someone is pregnant i know and it hurts so bad because i want a lil girl or lil boy. I even have names picked out, but i also want a life as well. My doctors tell me im crazy and i shouldnt. ive talked to a genetic counselor already and a OB there both telling me im practically crazy wanting a baby with my lung capacity and my sugars being out of control. i dont know what to do

(BLOW)
Chelsie
24yrs DDF508 with diabetes

 

[Twistofchaos]

I think it's interesting to know where this urge to have children comes from.

I've asked myself these questions often as I've struggled with the non likelihood of having children myself for a long time but realising some things over time made that I can be more at peace with it now.
Sadly most of it just comes down to social conditioning and pressure. It's still seen as "succesful" to procreate and you get all these thoughts of easy answers to life's purpose (or too busy to think about it for a while) and to leave something behind but ultimately those notions are false to begin with.

We grow up having ideals and dreams and it hurts when they get broken and I guess the trick is to replace them with new dreams. Ultimately something like CF might force us to think outside the ordinary, but that's also a chance.

 

[Aboveallislove]

I have to disagree with you. It is in our nature to want to have children. All of our natures--men and women. In fact, it is one of the five natural inclinations and precepts of natural law. And it hurts, whether we cannot bear children because of CF or any reason, and it hurts badly. And not because society says so. I am so sorry for all of you who face this. I do know several on here have children by adoption and my dearest friend has three children through adoption. It still hurts, but the love for her children is the same. hugs
-Love

 

[Twistofchaos]

Yeah and being able to look beyond our biological wants and urges is what makes us human.
Natural law.. *Everything* per definition is natural.

 

[Melissa75]

Twist & Love,

I studied the philosopher Miguel de Unamuno when I lived in Spain a long time ago, and in his book "The Tragic Sense of Life" he wrote about the numerous ways in which humans strive for immortality and to leave their mark on the world. His ideas stuck with me, though who knows if I am remembering them correctly. I recommend his works for anyone who likes to think about what the point of it all is.

I have one paternal aunt and three maternal aunts who had no children. I don't think it was an easy decision/road for any of them, but they did not give up love and passion for life and having an impact on future generations.

 

[Aboveallislove]

Twist,
Natural law is a not the same as saying it is "natural;" it is a nearly 2000 year old philosophy. But preserving our lives is also a part and thus the horrible struggle of heart.

Thanks Melissa--and you are right that love and passion for life and having an impact aren't missing for those without children. But for many the pain is still very deep and from my heart I am so sorry for those writing here suffering that.

 

[Melissa75]

Love, I hear you.

 

[welshwitch]

I think I know where it's coming from. It's a fear that I won't be happy and that the only way to be happy is if I have kids. Maybe that's not the answer? Maybe I will be happy with or without kids. Also, the book isn't closed yet. I haven't even started the process yet. I'm only 33. And my CF isn't severe or disabling me yet. I'm healthy. So, I will continue to think positive Thanks ladies.

 

[keeleyhearn]

Hi, I was told because of my CF and diabetis and policystic ovariy syndrome, that I would never be able to have children, neither through natural conception nor would my body be able to handle a pregnancy.... I was also told I would not live past 5 years old.
I´m now 31 yrs, been with my husband for 13 yrs......... and have a miracle little girl!!!!! 7 years of IVF, clinic trials and procedures, gestational diabetes, 6 threatened miscarriages, premature labour at 29 weeks, but came home with a perfect baby girl. the reason for this reply is No matter what people told me, I never gave up. I had to try for myself and It paid off a million times over....... Would I do it again?..... In a heartbeat. If you want something bad enough at least try, and only let it be yourself to tell you that you can´t, no-one knew my limits better than myself, and I knew she was my reason for existing at all. I told my husband that if the choice came between me or her surviving, it would always be her. I understand it might sound very selfish on my part, but a mother would give her life for her baby and that was my decision.
I knew the consecuences and risks and accepted them anyway, If you want something bad enough and you can accept the worst case scenario, then you can´t lose.
We decide our limits, not statistics... I always wondered "Just what if I am the exception to the rule"? I don´t consider myself dilusional tho, as there are many things I know I can´t physically do and I´m fine with that. I just didn´t believe that this was one of them..............

 

[welshwitch]

Thanks Keely for your story, gives me hope I too believed I would be dead as a kid....were they right? Of course not

 

[anien2]

I think I know where it's coming from. It's a fear that I won't be happy and that the only way to be happy is if I have kids. Maybe that's not the answer? Maybe I will be happy with or without kids. Also, the book isn't closed yet. I haven't even started the process yet. I'm only 33. And my CF isn't severe or disabling me yet. I'm healthy. So, I will continue to think positive Thanks ladies.

You think you wont be happy without kids?? Ill let you take care of my two "tornado" kids for a weekend. I garantee you will be happy the moment they leave.

What I think is happening here is that the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. Thats human nature, we always want what we dont have. (just my two cents)

Kids can make you happy, just as many many other things.

 

[azdesertrat]

I'm not a woman but I do have a little experience in this realm.
My wife went through the 'Biological Clock' problem several times.
The first was the worst. I was driving a truck cross-country & I was gone 3 weeks out of the month.
She wanted desperately to have a child & I never had any desire whatsoever to procreate.
First, I have always worried about dying while the child was young, leaving it father-less.
Second, the financial strain could have been catostrophic. My wife works full-time & always has. I worked 50-60 hours a week as long as my body held out but I was eventually forced into an early medical retirement.
It is in our nature to want to procreate; every person is genetically programmed to desire a child. I don't have any words of wisdon for you other than trying IVF.
If your situation allows, I guess you should go for it.
Don't fear the future; it seems like there are breakthroughs in CF all the time.
I hope you will achieve your desires...

 

[kyeev]

Welshwitch,
In my experience, I think having a child is the best thing I ever did.
It has made the struggle with CF all worthwhile and I feel with two healthy boys, I have beaten CF once and for all.
I smile everyday when I see them and I make the most of every day with them.
It took us 8 IVF attempts over 5 years to have our two sons.
It was incredibly hard but of course now all worth the time, effort and money.

The only thing I wish is I had met my wife a bit earlier and we had the kids a bit earlier.
We were told, fertility starts to decline a lot from the age of 37 but up to that you have a very good chance.
We were 31 or 32 when we started the IVF treatment. And 37 by the time the second child turned up.
So, don't leave it too late.

 

[Iamqueenofeverything]

I'm 34 and thought I wanted kids but I'm so drained daily that its best for me that I don't have kids because I'm not sure I can give kids all tha it takes to give to them so I don't plan to have kids. If I barely have the time and energy, I won't have time for kids. Hope that this makes since. I am a teacher and this brings satisfication. Also babysitting is good. I plan to look into fostering kids too but haven't looked into it yet.