Friends announcing pregnancy

[welshwitch]

I'm 33, so it's not surprise that a lot of my girlfriends are announcing their first pregnancies. My! I wasn't prepared for this....so much to process. Along with the usual stuff of... "my friend is pregnant. Oh my god. My friend is pregnant. Trying to process" and "crap, now I want one!"

I was at a picnic yesterday and I found out 2 of my good friends are pregnant. I'm ecstatic for them! But....starting to think about myself, having CF, the possibility of babies, so many emotions. Will I or won't I? And maybe it's not up to me.

All and all, it's nothing but good stuff, but I wasn't prepared for the emotional fallout. I'm wondering if any CF mommies and CF non-mommies can relate.

 

[MissAlexsBP]

Hi!

I hear you! I’m only 24 & my hubby is 25, so we’re not actively trying to have children, but we have certainly talked about having children. I have CF and we haven’t gotten my husband tested yet to see if he’s a carrier, but we will in the future and I guess that will determine our next steps.

I have some friends who already have children, some friends who just had children and I’m also lucky enough to have some nieces and nephews, so I absolutely love seeing all the pictures and learning about their ventures, but I know exactly what you mean when you can be so happy for your friends, yet emotions can be strange and I get saddened by the thought that I may not have biological children. (One of my friends actually delivered her baby today, and I am so happy for her, but I am also saddened that I may not be able to/won’t have biological children).

My husband and I have also considered adoption, so I am confident that we will be parents one way or another! I would love to be pregnant someday, but I guess only time will tell how that will go.

I know I jumped around a bit & may not be making total sense, but what I’m trying to say is that I can relate.

 

[welshwitch]

I hear ya! It's a new emotion for me...one I wasn't expecting. Talk about new territory

BTW, you and I both have the same mutation -- 621+G > T

I guess only time will tell what the future has in store!

 

[Nugget1]

Everyone around me was expecting, except me. My sister has two kids, my sister in law has three. Had gone to my doctor for minimally invasive tests, my husband was tested. We fell into the category of people who for no apparent reason couldn't get pregnant. I had worked in a relatively high stress job and if people tell you that that has nothing to do with one's ability to become pregnant they do not know what they are talking about! Had to just come to grips with the fact that we weren't going to have our own children and I wasn't interested in adoption as an option for me. Went to work in a very low stress, high energy retail environment in a shop owned by a wonderful woman and her husband that at one time had lived in a commune. Eighteen months into my time with them I found out that I was pregnant, two months before my 39th birthday! My beautiful daughter was born six months prior to my 40th birthday! I had an uneventful pregnancy, a standard vaginal delivery, while everyone in my circle of friends giving birth were all having c-sections. The only negative aspect of my daughter is that she was born with Cystic Fibrosis. In as much as I had a challenging time getting pregnant I have no idea if she will also. Having CF alone might decide that for her but I wouldn't ever think to tell her that now, she is only 6. So when she tells me that when she has her own children she is going to buy them whatever toy that they want. I tell her that she can do for her children whatever she wants. Then I'll be Grandma and I can do whatever I want. Good luck to you whatever choice you make.

Sorry I may have failed to mention that I do not have CF so I am unable to relate from that perspective but I had been married for 10 years before our daughter came along. I am fully able to empathize with all of you posting because of the struggles that I faced but not having to be faced with a medical condition I can't say that I was in the same position. My DO simple told me that I fell into the category of people who cannot get pregnant. Very happy that changed and I hope that all of you choosing to have children are blessed with success.

 

[Tombliboo]

Yes I can totally relate! It took 12 years for us to have our little boy and during the final two years where we kept trying and failing at fertility treatment, it just felt like EVERYONE in the world was "falling pregnant" (hate that term!) Having a child when you have CF involves so much more than just making a decision like others can do. If ever you (or any of the other ladies reading this) want to chat to others in exactly the same situations, I can add you to the Facebook group for CF women who are considering parenthood or going through pregnancy/adoption/surrogacy (as well as those who are already parents so can share what they deal with). Just drop me a message here: https://www.facebook.com/emma.harris.16 x

 

[nmw0615]

This is something I can somewhat relate to, in a way. I am no where near being ready to have children as I'm single, living at home, and haven't gotten a firm grasp of my health yet. But whenever I see friends my age, or even family members, pregnant and having children, it gives me a shock. It was a decision I came to a couple years ago after my health really started to decline, but I decided that I am not going to have children unless my health becomes miraculously better. I remember a moment when I was told my dad was being rushed to the hospital for a heart attack. It turned out to be something completely different, but the seriousness and the thought that I would lose a parent did something to me. I knew at the moment, I could not have a child if I thought I would leave him or her too early.

I feel comfortable saying this on this thread, so please don't come after me or anything for my feelings. I completely understand others having children, and I am overjoyed when I see a post announcing a pregnancy on the forum. I just know that unless the situation changes, I don't feel comfortable bringing a child into my life with my health the way it is and the way it looks like it will be.

 

[Tisha]

I can relate, too. I'm also 33, and have always thought of having 1 child (at times I've thought of more but I'm not so sure about that). Yesterday I was talking to the nurse in the CF clinic here in Sweden (I moved 1 month ago) and she said they have many couples where the woman has CF and they have 1-2 children. Only one has 3 (and has "mild CF"). I know a courageous woman with CF and 4 children, and all boys! That brings me to consider how many children I can actually handle, health aside. My mom had me when she was 36 so maybe by then this new great medication will come up and give us better chances for having children of our own.

 

[falloutboygurl16]

i know exactly how you feel. me and my husband got married a little over a month ago and we definitely want a baby and to start trying in a year. Obviously we want to get him tested etc. Its such a difficult process of thinking of having children, being able to have them (emotionally, physically and health wise). Ive gone over scenarios in my head as to why would i bring someone in this world when i am sick and could die at a young age leaving my baby without a mom, but we have to do what is truely right for each and every one of us. Tons of parents leave their young children at a young age because of unexpected deaths and unexpected illness so what is the difference with us? there is no difference. we are not selfish we just want the things that everyone wants. I also think what happens if we cannot actually have a child due to my health or have problems with fertility (obviously we are going to have problems i know as a testament to how we are now and no baby) but you cannot prepare for this mentally and i just assume that times will be trying but try and be positive i know that baby fever is going around i definitely have it.

 

[kmhbeauty]

I can totally relate. I am almost 28 years old. Engaged but the relationship is a little on the rocks but seems to be getting better. My main fear is being an older mom and having that factor make it harder on me to be a mom. I wish I could have a baby now because I feel like currently I am healthy and it would be easier now then later. My cf is not the only thing that is not allowing me to have a child. If I was ready to have a baby, I would need help to get pregnant. There is for sure something cf related wrong with me and I believe its my cervical mucus. The next thing that is wrong is the my fiancé has a 7 year old son and does not want another one anytime soon. He told me he may never want another one ever. When we first started dating he said he did want another child and would love that with me. I think his opinion has changed because it is no longer the beginning of the relationship. If I ever do get pregnant, it will be so special to me, but I do not believe it will be as special to him because he has already had his first. All this is so disheartening to me, very painful. I am more of a cold person but this really hurts my heart and no one understands. I am not quite sure what to do since he did tell me recently that he may not ever want another one. I can relate, its a horrible feeling, I hope it just works out for us

 

[azdesertrat]

I'm not a female, & I'm not pregnant, or even trying. I would like to tell you of my experience when my Wife went through the 'Biological Urges'. She never told me about this problem until it was almost over. I was driving cross-country & was only home for one week out of the month. She got so bad that she would cry at the sight of a mother & infant at the grocery store. I told her at the start of our relationship (1 month or so in) I had CF & it was highly unlikely I could impregnate her. She never said she wanted a child. I think this problem lasted about 7 years. When I was finally aware of the problem I did the best I could to console her. She never mentioned adoption, I guess she just needed to become pregnant. I guess that's pretty common. I'm so glad she decided to stay with me even though we couldn't have a child of our own. I would be lost without her. Now we're too old to even ponder pregnancy. I'm 49 & she's a few years younger than me. She has mentioned that she doesn't think we could have handled having children anyway. Our lifestyle just wouldn't have been conducive to raising children. Best of luck to you. If you want children than by all means do what you have to do. Take care, 'Pat'.

 

[kristal k]

Same here! I'm 31 and we have 3 new babies this year in our immediate family, Each visit I come home with baby fever... Then I snuggle up with my happy healthy dog, that will never leave home, talk back and ALWAYS loves snuggles and hugs and is always happy to see me. Plus when I wake up feeling awful he smiles at me and settles into the blanky next to me ready to vest up. It's hard to stay depressed with him around(OXYGEN)

We are thinking of adopting when we grow up more.

 

[welshwitch]

I like the idea of adopting. I am also open to IUI or IVF. I have a friend (no CF) who just underwent 2 years of fertility issues. She's now expecting twins after several extensive (and expensive!) rounds of IUI...she said the process was hard on her marriage and hard on her. I'm like, "Ack! Is this what I'm in for?" On the other hand, I feel like this is an unproductive way to feel. It's just a weight that I have about having kids....already anticipating a struggle.

 

[LittleLab4CF]

We were married at age 30. Prior to getting engaged we discussed our desires, hopes and expectations including a family. We tried for a couple years before looking for an organic problem. Neither of us were great candidates, she had several cervical freezes to eliminate dysplastic cell growth and mine was, CF sperm, low count, low motility and many DOA.

We never have used contraception and we have no children. At the two year mark we went through basic fertility testing/exams which is when we found why we probably hadn't gotten pregnant. We could contine trying or go straight to IVF and we just weren't into twins or more.

About a year after we decided not to take extraordinary steps to have a child, she asked me if I really was ok to not have a child. I assured her I was fine and asked if she was alright with it still. She told me of a friend who awoke one day to a husband angry and grieving his unfulfilled dream for a child. He eventually left her and remarried.

Women aren't the ones always pining for a baby and most men don't quite understand why this can change. In many relationships the moment a woman has fully committed herself, she wants to have her partner's baby. Family planning may idealize the time for that baby, but the gun is cocked. Men do the same thing, the machinations are a little different. It explains why and to a degree how the desire for children changes in a relationship.

Some women have deep maternal drives. For CF mates, man or woman, follow your dreams and have IVF assuring one baby or two if you must. Adopt a baby, become foster parents, the options are limitless. If there is insurance great but don't feel like this is just your financial responsibility. We are a society of people. There is no limit to the positive influence you can have on the lives of others, your children or the unclaimed.

LL

 

[welshwitch]

Thanks, LL, really beautifully written

 

[occupyjapan]

I can totally relate. I am almost 28 years old. Engaged but the relationship is a little on the rocks but seems to be getting better. My main fear is being an older mom and having that factor make it harder on me to be a mom. I wish I could have a baby now because I feel like currently I am healthy and it would be easier now then later. My cf is not the only thing that is not allowing me to have a child. If I was ready to have a baby, I would need help to get pregnant. There is for sure something cf related wrong with me and I believe its my cervical mucus. The next thing that is wrong is the my fiancé has a 7 year old son and does not want another one anytime soon. He told me he may never want another one ever. When we first started dating he said he did want another child and would love that with me. I think his opinion has changed because it is no longer the beginning of the relationship. If I ever do get pregnant, it will be so special to me, but I do not believe it will be as special to him because he has already had his first. All this is so disheartening to me, very painful. I am more of a cold person but this really hurts my heart and no one understands. I am not quite sure what to do since he did tell me recently that he may not ever want another one. I can relate, its a horrible feeling, I hope it just works out for us

If your relationship is on the rocks and you don't know why, go read some of the nutty PMs you've bombarded me with and remind yourself. If you are that unhinged and weird to random people online, then god help your fiance/boyfriend.

 

[sdeuber]

My experience and my (suggested) solutions:
experience was AWFUL. My SIL became pregnant, announced it in a BIG way (with me present while I was going thru IVF), I drove home and just wanted to drive my car off a cliff. I felt I was a failure, I could not fulfill my dreams of having three children, it was one of the lowest points I had with my CF life.

My solution was to try at least a couple of times artificial insemination (sperm could not get thru my thick mucus wall), try at least one IVF - for me none of them work. So we adopted. We are now very happy parents of two wonderful boys. I still dream about having three kids but with two boys our lives are pretty busy.
I also STRONGLY recommend to talk to a therapist about what you are going thru. I unfortuantely did not do it early enough - I did it about 10 years later and I am finally "free" and "ok" with how my life took unexpected turns!

 

[kmhbeauty]

I don't let anyone walk over me or degrade me. I wrote you those messages because I pity you! You have some problems with being a "negative nancy" and I called you out on it! Stop putting down everyone's hope and thinking you know everything. If you were right in front of me, Im sure you would change your tune.