Scott,
You sound a lot like me. I don't have CF as severe as some but the older I'm getting, the harder it is to stay well, keep my weight up, and have energy. My lung function is at 48% and I have stomach issues with an ulcer. The mental stress is the most exhausting. I too have pushed people away for some of the same reason as you, plus a few more. I was told that I should never have children because it would be too hard on me. I wanted to be a mom badly, but I didn't want my children to ever feel scared from seeing their mom sick and I didn't want them to experience abandonment issues if I ever passed away. I never talked about CF to anyone, not even my friends. It wasn't until high school that my best friend found out I had CF and that was because I got sick and people were asking where I was, why I disappeared all of a sudden. My family never talked about CF to me, nor did my doctor other than I had to take my medicines in order to stay well, and I may not live as long as some. My mom told me I could do whatever anyone else could so don't sit around and wallow in my disease, I'm fine. I understand now, that maybe she thought she was making me tougher by not allowing me to feel sorry for myself which was good, but at the same time, when I was 21 and almost died from getting really sick, she wasn't there for me. I realized she has more issues than I do. I partied in high school as hard as the rest of my friends. I didn't go to college either because I figured why should I? I would be dead at age 30 anyway. I have been divorced twice. I wouldn't buy a house with either of my husbands because that was too big of a commitment. What if I suddenly wanted to move or travel somewhere. I lived life recklessly because of fear of dying. At age 33, I suddenly had a "AHA" moment. I realized I was going to live longer than expected, because of advancements in medicine and treatment, so I guess I better get my act together. I also realized I have been self-destructing because I thought I deserved it. I divorced my second husband, moved back home, and went back to school. I have done a lot of soul searching and growing, realizing that I had been living my life in denial and by everyone else's standards instead of my own. I can't compare myself to others and punish myself just because I think I'm not struggling as much as some people or I'm either not as healthy or more healthy than some. Or I'm not smart or rich enough etc., as some people. Please don't be so hard on yourself, and I will try to live by my own advice. I think everyone is doing the best that they can, and until we walk in someone else's shoes, we really don't know what anyone is truly dealing with from day to day. Sorry for the novel, but I hope this helps. Everything will work out, it always does. Take care and stay healthy.~CJ 42 W/CF diagnosed at 3 hours old.
