Frustrated

[thefrogprincess]

Ok, so we all know (better than most) that life is short. I'm 24 and doing well with my CF but of course that can change over night. Lately I find myself getting extremely frustrated and angry because I haven't been able to accomplish the only two major goals I set for myself in life, which is to get married and have a family. Of course I won't do this with just anyone, but if one more person tells me "you're young, you have plenty of time" I'll kill them! I can't help feeling like I'm running out of time and that it may never happen for me.

 

[Faust]

You're young, you have plenty of time <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">


Nah but seriously, you are only 24. Depending on mutation(s), and especially how you take care of yourself, you can live way into your 30's or beyond. Some normal people go all their lives without finding joe or sally right to marry. I know you have set that as a goal, but don't rush anything. If it happens and you meet joe right, good for you. If you don't, go on with life and enjoy it.

 

[KEL]

Dear Frogprincess, Please be patient everything will work out, don't look let it find you !!! I am 42 years old and of course have CF. I plan on living a long productive life!!!

KEL

 

[Cutecurlz]

Yo Froggy.....female with CF and 37 yrs young. I have a bf and NO kids (not from the lack of trying)lol. You are only 24, take your time, live life to the fullest. Getting married and having kids isn't everything in life. FYI...as you get older the CF symptoms get worse. Don't mean to scare you but they do. So take your time in finding Mrs. Right, make sure she's the "One". Things/Life happen for a reason.

 

[Emily65Roses]

I won't tell you that marriage and kids aren't the only things in life. They aren't, clearly. But if they're your dreams then they're very very important. I'm the same way. Marriage and a family are two things that I want more than anything else in the world. And feeling like you're running out of time is a bitch. You've still got time, but you're right, you never know. I really don't have any advice for you here. I'm in the same boat as you sometimes. I mean not exactly the same, since I have a longtime boyfriend. But I still feel like I'll be too sick or die before I can actually get married or move out or have kids. It's a REALLY frustrating feeling. Only thing I can offer is that if you ever want to talk about how frustrating it is, you can PM me or IM me or contact me on myspace or any of that. I'm willing to bitch and moan with you. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[wallflower]

First of all - slow down. It's natural to want to be married and have a family, but if you treat it as a goal to accomplish ASAP, that is going to show in your dating and may discourage your suitors.

What are you currently doing to find dates? Is the problem that you are not finding guys, or the guys you are finding are not working out?

While I want to be married and have a family (although I have decided no babies after 35), I would say my goal is not so much the actual getting married, as finding someone who could be a true match to me and love me unconditionally. I finally found him when I was 30 (don't be dishearted by this, I didn't truely start dating until I was 28), and I love him to death! I never thought I could find a man like him, and we've been together for 3 1/2 years so far. I'm not sure if we will marry (it's something we are currently discussing) but just having him in my life is awesome.

I must also say that I went though quite a few jokers and was ready to take a break from the whole thing when I met Bill. It seems like just when you decide to stop looking, they come knocking on your door <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[JennifersHope]

Emily you are so sweet and always know the right thing to say.....

I am not going to tell you anything about you being young or to wait... that is the one thing you said you don't want to hear.. I agree with Emily if it is your dreams then it is important... I, like you and Emily have the same dream..and I am much older then you are...but it doesn't make it any better or worse.....
I have always struggled with the very same things you have said... the only thing that has changed for me.. is I am very content with the family I have in my life now have had for over 10 years now..Really I think this is the first year ever that I am comfortable with myself not dating and not having any children for now.....I do have a great family that God gave me that includes many friends as well so I have a very fulfilled life in spite of not having my initial dreams of being married with kids met...

Jennifer

 

[maple]

I know exactly how you feel. I usually flip flop between feeling like I have to find someone special to share whatever amount of time I have left and not wanting to drag anyone into what will inevitable be a long struggle with this disease when the end is near...
Maybe we should start a singles club for CFers??? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

Richard 31 w/CF

 

[65rosessamurai]

I had shared the same dream of getting married, and even having a family (little did I know, the family part was gonna be tough for me!).

I kept hearing my mother and sister say, "don't worry, as you are preparing for the right time for her to come along, she is also preparing for you!"

I agree with both Cutecurlz, and wallflower, things do seem to happen for a reason, and how you are dating may also be a significance.

Like the old story of praying for the lotto, but you won't win unless you buy a ticket, exposing yourself (not literally!) in areas of contact with many groups, activities, would seem more likely to meet a variety of people, esp. the guys!

And, things happen for a reason, I have to agree upon. First of all, my first marriage was very quick, and sad throughout it's 12 years. On the contrary, I actually met my new wife while going through my divorce, and it wasn't intentional, or even planned! I wanted to find the right one AFTER the divorce, but can't help such things when they happen for such reasons...at the same time, it seems my serious shoulder injury, which took me away from my Aikido, something I enjoyed very much; was also an event that happened for a reason, it showed that my first wife was not at all someone to rely on and care for me in the most of needed time.

If anything, I hope you find the right one, and your health maintains in good shape, sometimes the power of love can extend the life!

 

[anonymous]

I definately know how you feel. With this disease, it seems like you have to put everything on fast-forward to make sure you don't miss anything. (As horrible as that sounds). When I was a teenager, I was with this guy for about a year, and I always just wanted things to speed up. I wanted to get married right after we graduated, and start a family immediately. I figuring that this was my only chance with "true love" and that I'd better not waste any more time. Luckily, after finally taking the advice of a loved one, I stepped back and looked at our relationship and realized that I did not love this guy. I was just obsessed with the fact (thought) that I didn't have as much time as a normal person does, to meet my soulmate by chance and then eventually do the usual (marriage, children, etc). Anyways, I ended it with the guy, and wandered the earth alone for a few years thinking that I was destined to miss out on the story-book life. But then, wouldn't you know it, my soulmate came along. We've been together for over 5 years, just got engaged with no marriage dates as of yet, and we're just taking our time.

Anyways, I swear I have a point and here it is; you can look and look and rush and look for that special someone, but you will never find him/her until you stop looking. And never ever try to force something that isn't there. Just because we have to settle with living with all this CF bullshit, does not mean that we're going to settle for just anybody because we feel like this may be our only shot at a normal life. I was sick of living with the fast-forward button constantly going, and I pay no attention to 'median lifespans' because that to me is just useless information. No one is going to tell me when I'm going to die. No one is going to tell me that I have to put a rush on things if I want to have a normal life. And no one is going to make me settle for less than what I deserve.

CF can kiss my fricking ass.

I apologize for the language.

Rose James - 23 with CF in my lungs, but not in my heart.

 

[Prussian]

...

 

[Faust]

For some reason I never had that problem. I never told them immediately, but after a few weeks of courting i'd let them know that I was a special case. For some reason they were fine with it. Not like those relationships didnt even one way or another, but it never was due to me having CF.

 

[anonymous]

thefrogprincess,

I appreciate your concern, but I think you are approaching your goals in the wrong way. I am not a girl so I can't say I understand your pangs for marriage specifically. However, I am a man whose nature has always been toward the romantic, and felt when I was single that marriage was something special for me. I worked for a long time to locate the right girl for the deed, but never seemed to get close enough to the bulls-eye. Eventually I found what I was looking for, but in hindsight, when I found it I was focused on improving myself. I actually wasn't focused on finding a girl or even the hint of marriage at the time I found one. Sure, I'd ask the occasional pretty girl out, but I was more going out just to "meet and greet", rather than hunt for the girl that met my desired specifications for marriage. At one point earlier on in my bachelorhood, marriage was the goal, but at the point when I began to focus on me and my growth and joy (actually forgetting about the want to get married to someone), and not the goal of marriage, funny enough I met a great girl. Even when for a good while in the dating process, marriage wasn't on my to-do list.

I guess my point is, I am married now and the process came about naturally from my desires and efforts to invest, improve, and focus on myself, and by just simply enjoying the moment. This is maybe how you should approach your endeavor. Just look to yourself and focus on yourself and the things you need in life will come naturally. Besides, any single guy or girl finds more interesting the person who takes care of his or her own needs, and invests in himself or herself, not the person who is focused on the other person. The person who is focused on the other persons needs and the idea of marriage is not attractive, that's just needy and smarmy. And it is even worse if that person thinks marriage as an event or cathartic process will bring one happiness, fulfillment and contentment. I am not saying be selfish and self-centered. I am more saying -the strength and autonomy that come from investing in your growth and happiness is attractive to the opposite sex, not the attitude - "I need or want someone to make me happy and fulfill this goal I have."

I can say definitively as a guy, I would have ran hard and fast away from the girl who felt I was the source of her happiness, curing her loneliness and punching her marriage card. I wanted someone who had strength in her individuality, and could be happy and fulfilled in her autonomy. Once such a person gets to know you, assuming you are similarly aligned, that person will want you to join them in their pursuit for joy and happiness. Marriage isn't the destination but part, (a very small part) of the journey.

Good luck,
Grendel

 

[thefrogprincess]

Hmmm, I guess I should have phrased some of that differently....I was just looking to vent. Of course I'm not going to marry just anyone, if I was that type of person I would have been married a long time ago. And I have no problem finding dates. I have a problem finding guys that want the same things in life as I do (my last serious relationship ended after 4 years because he didn't want kids). I am currently seeing a wonderful guy and so far we seem very compatible, but I'm not rushing into anything.

So thanks to all of you who offered your advise, I know it was well intended if not really needed.

And thanks to the few of you who saw what I was getting at and understand where I was coming from.

 

[thelizardqueen]

I totally sympathise with you frogprincess. I too had set goals for myself - I wanted to move out on my own, have a boyfriend, get married and have kids. Those were my goals all my life. I know it may not be much to a lot of people, but when you're faced with a disease that is going to kill you, and you don't know how much time in life you have - the simple things are what matter most to you. I always put myself on a deadline - that I have to accomplish these things before its too late. I'm lucky that I'm 24, and I don't have a severe case of CF. I did move out on my own when I was 19. I've held down a full time job for 4 years now, and I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and accepts everything about me. We're even talking marriage sometime next summer, and maybe even starting to try for kids in the new year! What I can say with certainty is this: pace yourself, be selective if you wish - this is your life, you don't want to settle and be miserable. When its time for you to find the guy for you, you'll find him and have that family. Be patient, even though I do know how hard that can be. So I do understand where you're at. When I was single, my waking thought was when will I find Mr. Right? Is he even out there for me, will I accomplish the goals I want for myself? Your time will come!