Aboveallislove
Super Moderator
Are you ok ll?
Frustration with friends and family
- Thread starter bloggymom
- Start date
TreasureGoddess
Member
I agree with asking for help at your church. Also, when asking for help from family/friends, I get better results by stating one exact thing I need help with instead of saying "I'm overwhelmed and need help". I ask another parent "can you take my son to and from practice with yours for the next 2 weeks? I'm having some health issues that need attention." Or ask a family member to come and take your kid to see Santa or to go to the park for an hour and a half, something very specific. If they still resist, work more with parents of kids' friends to help with driving or even watching after school etc. Often people want to help but feel at a loss for something they can do.
For the family, I agree with everyone above. keep repeating the same thing over and over and eventually they'll either get it or give up. "I'm checking messages once a day, I'll get back to you when I can." over and over. Hang in there and put yourself in the hospital if you need a break. Your health suffers with stress and exhaustion for sure!
For the family, I agree with everyone above. keep repeating the same thing over and over and eventually they'll either get it or give up. "I'm checking messages once a day, I'll get back to you when I can." over and over. Hang in there and put yourself in the hospital if you need a break. Your health suffers with stress and exhaustion for sure!
That happens in my family, too. The best thing to do is to kill 'em with kindness and make them think. When your mom calls and want to dump, how about "Hey mom? I'm really tired. I'm sorry. I don't expect anyone's life to be put on hold just because mine is, and I don't like doing this because I KNOW you need me, but I REALLY need to get some rest. Can I call you a little later?" The more you throw "think about it" hints, like the "my life is put on hold because I'm very sick and yours is not right now, gimme a break!" hint, the more they will THINK. That way, you don't have to go postal and look like a crazy person. You can do that if the hints don't work 
I agree with TreasureGoddess, too. Be specific about what you need. I know it's annoying, but other's don't see things the way we do. Our hubby's don't care as much if the clothes pile up or the dishes need washing. They care, but not to the point of "I'm going to sacrifice this nap to clean the house". Be specific about what you need from him AND your family and friends. Give them each a little thing to do in a really nice way. It will make them feel like they're helping and will not overwhelm just one person in the family. I worked oncology not long ago and one caregiver in families was a trend that I saw. It tore families apart because it's exhausting for the patient and the caregiver. Try to seek many people to help, not just one or two. If they cannot understand and at least attempt to let you rest, then they do not deserve you or your time when you feel better. Just my two cents. Good luck!
I agree with TreasureGoddess, too. Be specific about what you need. I know it's annoying, but other's don't see things the way we do. Our hubby's don't care as much if the clothes pile up or the dishes need washing. They care, but not to the point of "I'm going to sacrifice this nap to clean the house". Be specific about what you need from him AND your family and friends. Give them each a little thing to do in a really nice way. It will make them feel like they're helping and will not overwhelm just one person in the family. I worked oncology not long ago and one caregiver in families was a trend that I saw. It tore families apart because it's exhausting for the patient and the caregiver. Try to seek many people to help, not just one or two. If they cannot understand and at least attempt to let you rest, then they do not deserve you or your time when you feel better. Just my two cents. Good luck!
LittleLab4CF
Super Moderator
BloggyMom, Bill and Love,
Hi, thank you for the note and no I am not alright, just yet. To keep on topic, I hope reading how frustrating it is to be marginalized by other people’s priorities or needs smacks everybody good. Sadly this is more like preaching to the choir at this forum. There are plenty here with similar experiences. It is a good place to lick your wounds with the rest of the Pride in empathy. The quick couple of notes I acknowledged in my greeting are worth more than gold to me. If only there were some way to send you the warmth I felt reading them.
I can barely wrap my mind around the idea of coming home with hospital paraphernalia in hand and body only to be greeted by a broken radio. Sometimes it is more than plenty to know at least you were missed. Didn’t they even give you that? Oh yeah, that is really what happened isn’t it? This may not warm your cockles but there is an upside to everybody needing you like right now. The revolving doors taking you in and often too soon out of the hospital sends a lot of mixed signals. In, you are being taken care of while the family awaits your fully recuperated person to come home and do something with all those dirty dishes. It is sooo nice to be loved. The day may come when you don’t have the strength to be upset by a family that sees the genuinely strong person you are, especially when you have ample reason to disagree. I recommend you suck in that deep painful breath and appreciate its exquisite quality.
LL
Hi, thank you for the note and no I am not alright, just yet. To keep on topic, I hope reading how frustrating it is to be marginalized by other people’s priorities or needs smacks everybody good. Sadly this is more like preaching to the choir at this forum. There are plenty here with similar experiences. It is a good place to lick your wounds with the rest of the Pride in empathy. The quick couple of notes I acknowledged in my greeting are worth more than gold to me. If only there were some way to send you the warmth I felt reading them.
I can barely wrap my mind around the idea of coming home with hospital paraphernalia in hand and body only to be greeted by a broken radio. Sometimes it is more than plenty to know at least you were missed. Didn’t they even give you that? Oh yeah, that is really what happened isn’t it? This may not warm your cockles but there is an upside to everybody needing you like right now. The revolving doors taking you in and often too soon out of the hospital sends a lot of mixed signals. In, you are being taken care of while the family awaits your fully recuperated person to come home and do something with all those dirty dishes. It is sooo nice to be loved. The day may come when you don’t have the strength to be upset by a family that sees the genuinely strong person you are, especially when you have ample reason to disagree. I recommend you suck in that deep painful breath and appreciate its exquisite quality.
LL
Aboveallislove
Super Moderator
I'm so sorry LittleLab. Sending you a hug and prayers.
Godspeed,
Love
Godspeed,
Love
E
emmalav
Guest
I don't believe you sound selfish or rude whatsoever. That is completely unacceptable. I completely relate to family and friends saying that I am so strong and so independent. Well I have to be strong and independent to make it through the daily difficulties. Whinning daily would drive everyone aware. There is no need to whine. But there certainly is need for friends and family to be supportive and recognize when and how they can help. Especially when you are doing IV treatment and are just out of the hospital. In fact that is selfish of others. I find the balance between asking for help and being strong difficult most times as well. Unfortunately, we can only control our own feelings, thoughts, words and actions. We can not control others. All we can do is do our best, voice our needs, and make choices that show those needs. I hear you. This is a tough and frustrating situation.
J
joseph_humphreys
Guest
Why not inform your family that you have priorities in your life also, you have your own family now that needs your full attention and care. Maybe they will understand and consider you in other way around.
LisaGreene
New member
Dear Bloggymom, I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. It's a double edged sword, being strong and independent. Then everyone leans on YOU. It's human nature. You are clearly a supportive person who cares so well for everyone else that they take you for granted. That's human nature, too. The way to "fix" this is to go on strike every now and then- even when you are doing well. Take a few days off to take care of yourself. Leave town if you have to with a friend or a church retreat. They will massively appreciate you when you come home. And, they will also learn that they can do just fine without you for a few days.
The key is making sure that everyone around you is independent and can take care of themselves. As age-appropriate, make sure your child can take care of himself. Even a 4 year old (maybe even younger) can put cold cereal in a bowl and pour milk to feed himself. The hardest part of being a mom is working ourselves out of a job meaning that we don't do it all so that our children can learn to do more. They need to do laundry, chores, care for the dog, etc (I don't know the age of your child so this is just a general statement). Of course the way you do this is important, not just dumping it on them in frustration but in a loving, teaching way, little by little.
I would sugggest that you get the book: Love and Logic Magic for Lasting Relationships by Fay/Hawkins. It is about how to set healthy boundaries around ourselves (which is what is missing in your life, it seems) in a kind way, helping others take responsibility for their own problems and getting your own needs met. It will be the best Christmas present to yourself that you can get. Read it while you are sick, on the couch, getting rest.
Hang in there and get better soon! Hugs and Hope.
Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Ma...ds=love+and+logic+magic+lastign+relationships
The key is making sure that everyone around you is independent and can take care of themselves. As age-appropriate, make sure your child can take care of himself. Even a 4 year old (maybe even younger) can put cold cereal in a bowl and pour milk to feed himself. The hardest part of being a mom is working ourselves out of a job meaning that we don't do it all so that our children can learn to do more. They need to do laundry, chores, care for the dog, etc (I don't know the age of your child so this is just a general statement). Of course the way you do this is important, not just dumping it on them in frustration but in a loving, teaching way, little by little.
I would sugggest that you get the book: Love and Logic Magic for Lasting Relationships by Fay/Hawkins. It is about how to set healthy boundaries around ourselves (which is what is missing in your life, it seems) in a kind way, helping others take responsibility for their own problems and getting your own needs met. It will be the best Christmas present to yourself that you can get. Read it while you are sick, on the couch, getting rest.
Hang in there and get better soon! Hugs and Hope.
Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Ma...ds=love+and+logic+magic+lastign+relationships