He ruined my Christmas already!

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anonymous

New member
Hello Everyone,
I really appreciate your comments on my problem today. I want you to know that after I apologized to him this a.m. (which fell on deaf ears) I got myself put together and went to my sisters house. I got to see my mom and sister (and her family) then afterwards I got to see my dad. So overall, I had a good day. Bad start, but good ending. I had such a fun day and guess what...we didn't do gifts. We gave gifts to the kids but thats all. We had fun and laughed and ate, we remembered funny holidays from the past. And I learned how to knit (I've been wanting to learn for a while). So next year, his 5 kids, their 5 significant others and the grand daughter will get some really nice scarves from me! That is what I'll do and my husband can do all the shopping, wrapping, worrying, cleaning and cooking. That will be wonderful!!! So I have my plan for next year.
I really appreciate all of your help. This really upset me & I got some really good advice from everyone. So thank you all for your help!
And with my scarf making...I am going to be all ready for next winter because I'm making scarves for homeless people. They are a population that will appreciate what I do for them no matter what, they won't complain, they won't tell me it's not enough or good enough and they won't be telling me I ruined their holiday!
And instead of giving Christmas gifts to my parents this year (as I have always done in the past) I sent a box of many different items to soliders in Iraq. Another population that wont' complain about what I sent, they will be appreciative and I hope I made their days a little brighter.
So after all, I made my day a good one and it was super. I didn't see my husband except for 15 minutes in the afternoon when I came home to do an IV (and I had my dad come with me so my husband wouldn't be mean to me). And now I'm home again and he's not here. I'm just going to enjoy my quiet time and keep on knitting!!!
Have a great day all.
Merry Christmas.
~Original Poster
finally smiling!!!
 
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anonymous

New member
Sorry it's me again, these are not in order because when I went to 'reply to topic' it said you can only have 1 person do it every 15 seconds. So I'm sorry. And they are kind of saying the same thing because I thought the one was lost.
AhHHH
OP
 
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anonymous

New member
I'm glad it ended on a good note. I think you at least need to go to counciling(if he won't go). Take it from one who has been in your shoes!!!! It will help you sort thing out in your head. I am remarried to a wonderful man, who by the way makes 1/2 what my ex made, and me and my kids are sooo much happier!!! In short, when he started one of his "spills", I stoped him and told him to SHUT UP! and he was to NEVER speak to me again that way, ect.... Well, he took all the money(except $62) and left and never came back. He actually filed for divorce. I was a stay-at-home mom of a 2 and 5yr old. Oh, did I mention he left on my 5yr old's birthday?!? Yes, I struggled for a yr or 2. Then I met my now husband and the rest is history. Now HE is the one stuggling with money. How ironic?!? I hope thing can work out because I don' t promote divorce but sometimes there isn't any other option. You need to talk to someone and "get it out" otherwise it will keep eating at you.
 
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Purplelungz

New member
im glad you had a good day. im sorry your husband is acting like a huge jerk. after reading your other posts i understand now. some of those thigns just dont make sense. i mean getting you a vacuum after you already got a new one? im with you im simple and the regular one works fine for me. i really do understand where your coming from. my dad is the same way. he always expects my mom to do his christmas shopping for him. by us stuff and say its from him.. and if she puts that the "good" stuff is just from her that he helped pick it out trying to make her look bad. although this year he did give us some money which was totally unexpected. its not about the gifts not at all. but its about the other persons attitude towards you. i mean if their going to be mean and nasty to you on whats supposed to be a good day that just breaks your heart. its supposed to be a day filled with love not meanness. sorry i dont mean to drag this back out like that.
anyway really do you love him? you said you had been through a rough time but it got better. do you think it will get better again? i hope that whatevers best for you works out
 
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anonymous

New member
Well I got married with every intention of staying married. We have been thru SO much together that this feels like a bump in the road at this point. But considering its the 2nd Christmas that has been horrible, it just makes me wonder!
For instance, it's almost 1 a.m. and he's at work. Mind you, he owns his own company so he may come and go as he pleases, yet he is choosing to stay at work instead of being home...speaks volumes.
So at this point, I feel so warn down, tired, and exhausted that I don't even care too much. I had a good day and it just reminds me how wonderful family is and how great it is to be with people who remember the meaning of Christmas and not counting the number of gifts that people have gotten (yes, I have a stepson that literally counts how many gifts he gets and compares that to his sisters).

It just makes me think of what stress does to my body. I am still doing IV's and fighting pneumonia, I've gotten a few hours of sleep and I'm coughing up blood again. I need to take care of MYSELF.

Thanks for all of your care everyone! I truly, honestly, appreciate it!
OP
 
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anonymous

New member
I asked my hubby for a vaccuum and got what you didn't want....well, I LOVE my robotic vacuum, the romba! I think it is awesome....I never have to push again! Maybe you should think about what is really important, Jesus' birth, not presents. <img src="i/expressions/angel_ani.gif" border="0">
 
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thelizardqueen

New member
I have to say, your husbands sounds like a jerk simply because of the way he treats you, not by what he did or didn't get you for Christmas. I could never be with someone that made me do all the Christmas stuff while I was sick, or worked on Christmas not because he has to, but because he wants to. I know things may be bad for you - and I'm sorry that your Christmas really didn't turn out. All I can say is try talking to him, even if it feels like you're hitting a brick wall. Its a marriage that you've invested in, keep on trying.
 
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HD

New member
If you guys are up to looking at a book, there is a book called the 5 love languages. Basicly the premise is that we all have different ways that we feel loved. Maybe one small part is that he doesn't get what makes you feel loved, because it is not the thing that makes him feel loved. Not the whole answer but can give each other an idea. Also, couseling is awesome!!!!!

We rarely give adult gifts now, mostly casue of cost. This year the joke is I gave my husband 4 nights in the hospital and he's giving me a G tube insertion (our 5 year old goes in next week). My brother and I don't do gifts or if we do it's a gift card, limited. We are trying to get our parents to do this as well. We also limit what we get for the kids and go more all out on their birthdays. Then we spend Christmas day together at a shelter for homeless male prostitutes, yes the kids too!

Congrats on learning to knit, that sounds like an awesome project for next year!
 
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JustDucky

New member
Hello OP
I am so sorry that you had to go through such a terrible time with your husband...especially around what is supposed to be a joyous time for all. He seems like the type that will ignore the important issues rather than listen to you....I think you said that you apologized to him, even wrote him a letter and did he aknowledge it or even speak to you about it? It sounds like couseling is in order, but it probably won't go over well with him, but bring it up...who knows. I tried with my husband, it didn't work and now I am divorcing him...he basically couldn't handle my illness as I progressively got worse and finally wound up on a vent. He just couldn't handle it, so I let him go. I didn't want someone who couldn't deal with my illness and who also couldn't be supportive to me, it was just too much emotional stress on my part and was only hurting me, not helping me.

As far as the Chrisitmas issue, he shouldn't have expected you to go out and buy presents for the whole family so soon out of the hospital...he should have had the sense to help with that, you were not in any shape to go to crowded stores with all of those people who might be carrying bugs for you to catch. Christmas isn't about the gifts anyway...I am glad you are knitting stuff and making things instead of stressing out over gifts next year. My mom and I made baskets that were full of homemade goodies that we started to make a f ew months ago..cookies, breads, candies, ornaments and some little odds and ends as well. I think that my family was much happier with t hose baskets than any store bought present because they knew that they were made with our hearts and hands, it took alot of t hought and time to make those and I know they appreciated them.

I hope things get better for you, I will certainly be thinking of you....Hugs, Jenn <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
I'm going to agree with several others. I'd say the guy is kind of a jerk. Not because he got you a vacuum (that can be interpreted as his being really thoughtful, trying to help you out, give you a break, get you off your feet, etc), but because of how you say he's been behaving. His comment on the new grill, his insistance that you do everything even though you're on IVs and sick. He could help if he cared enough.

I'd also agree with others that counseling may be a decent option. A lot of the times that guys are being incosiderate, they don't even know they're doing it. Many times Mike has done something to upset me, and I'll keep it to myself for a while. Then I finally bring it up and he has NO IDEA that it was even something worth being upset over. After I explain it from my point of view, he understands. But the way men and women think is soo different you really have to take that into consideration before you assume he knows he's being rude. It took me a while to learn that lesson, but I did, and now I'm just really honest with Mike. If he does something that bothers me, I tell him, we talk about it, whatever. Communication is key.
 
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anonymous

New member
UPDATE...
Things haven't changed. This is night #3 on the couch for him (his choice). He is barely talking to me and we spoke for about 15 minutes total yesterday. Real nice.
So I have just prayed about this and realize that at this point its out of my hands and he can only do what he wants to do. I have been in counseling myself and it is great. Its my hour of being sane, being validated, and feeling "normal." So yes, that is something I do for myself.
And for my scarf...it's 4 feet long now. Knitting calms me down and I love sitting there making something for some one that will truly help them. That is good for my heart!

Thank you all for all of your help and comments on this matter. I really appreciate it so much.
I'm actually up doing an IV right now and I still physically feel the same. This pneumonia is really doing a number on my lungs.

Good night (or morning, depending on how you want to look at it!)
~OP
 
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jasonterriallen

New member
He sounds like my father! He always made the holidays not worth celebrating. now that i'm older and have my own family I'm starting to get into christmas and thanksgiving. My mother was married to him for 26 years and he made her life HELL! so about 6 years ago she divorced him and now she is having better holidays and a better life! Your husband sound so much like him my mother would go all out and either he wouldnt get her anything or something stupid like an oven mitt.

He sounds like a spoiled little brat! that didnt get his own way and now is throwing a fit. Has he gone to counseling with you?
 
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JazzysMom

New member
I am sorry to hear your Mom dealt with so much for so long, Terri. I am also glad to hear that she made a decision & it worked out well for her. 2 of my sisters are dealing with a lot from their significant others, but alcohol is involved with both of their situations. Never the less I feel so bad for them. It makes me even more thankful for my husband. He can be a pain in the butt as so can I, but I dont have the headaches or worries that so many others do.
 
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anonymous

New member
Yeah we have gone to counseling together, but what is the point. Do I even feel like being married? So I go by myself and feel great rather than have the 2 of us go and get berated all the way home.
He's still not talking to me. His mom sent money for me (for Xmas) and he hid it from me. So crazy! So I gathered most of his presents up today and returned them. Now I just have the 300# grill to take back. Jerk.
So needless to say we're back to square 1. I have an apartment (because things have been so rocky) and I'm SO tempted to go to it and live. No need for this.

I asked his daughter today (she lives with us) why he is like this at holidays? She said he's like this EVERY holiday! Then why wouldn't you try to change yourself or change the situation and not celebrate at all? She had no answers and she's dealt with this for 18 years.

Well I helped myself and I went to his checkbook and wrote checks to cover the expenses that I had for the kids' Christmas. That way I'm not out one cent for their un-appreciative attitudes!
So things are the same. He walked out this a.m. without kissing me or telling me by (which he ALWAYS does.) So I know he's really ticked but I'M ticked too and I don't see him making one move to help this situation, he just wants to sit around and pout. So I'll let him and he can have a miserable time by himself!

Thanks for all of your concern. I get more help from all of you who are STRANGERS rather than my SPOUSE. Wow, that is sad isn't it???

OP
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
You know he really does sound like he's having a bit of a tantrum. My Mike is only 19, and yet when he leaves to go anywhere when either of us is mad at the other, he still kisses me and tells me he loves me before he leaves. No matter how angry we might be. When a 19 year old is acting more like a husband than your adult spouse, you need to consider that maybe your man is too childish to even deal with.
 
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Lilith

New member
I agree with Emily. When Rick and I fight, even over the phone, we never just hang up on each other. We always tell the other that we love them, and even if the argument is my falut, Rick will always apologize to me for his part. Even during our worst argument I can think of, he left my house to take a walk (he told me where he was going) and he came back 20 minutes later willing to talk things out. He goes out of his way when I'm in the hospital or ill to make sure I don't overexert myself, unlike your husband who doesn't seem to give a damn. I don't blame you for being angry. But if you don't see this ever changing, and he continues to act like he's two years old, I'd leave him. There's no reason to be miserable like that, especially around the holidays, and lord knows we CFers don't need added stress on top of what we deal with every day. And it should never come from those we care about.
 
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