help pls with a 24 yr old with cf

[truff4507]

We are a parent of a 24yr old (father and stepmother). He has been moving from place to place (sister, friends) since he was 20. The problem we are having is that he works a full time job, and runs 24 -7 when he is not. He is not taking care of himself, not taking his meds or doing treatments, and he continues on this path until he crashes and burns. Then he is left without a job and feels sorry for himself and takes it out on everyone around him. We left him move in with us last May 2011 and he was suppose to file for disability. He never did and wanted to keep working so he would have money for a phone, gas for car, etc. We said he could move in with us if he would start saving his money.

Found out in Nov 2011 he wasnt saving, so we started charging him a small amount of rent (before he was living rent free) and told him he better start saving. Now he had a collection agency pull money from his acct ($300) for a repo car 2yrs ago and he informs us he is broke. He was feeling sorry for himself and said he wasnt feeling well after running all weekend long and now he is in the hospital for a week. He got a job per his father's recommendation at his work and we feel he just doesnt care! Still hasnt saved a dime in 16months. What would you do to make him more responsible and start taking care of himself now that he is over 18? We are at the point of making him move out! Help pls!

 

[Printer]

You should begin treating him as any "healthy" 24 year old male. He is an adult and as such he is making choices for himself. Stop treating him as a sick child and force him to grow up.

Bill

 

[truff4507]

You should begin treating him as any "healthy" 24 year old male. He is an adult and as such he is making choices for himself. Stop treating him as a sick child and force him to grow up.

Bill

Thank you for your response. That is what we talked about doing. We are going to make him pay a third of the rent/food/utilities/ and make him give us x amount of money so WE can put it in a savings account for him or his only other option is to move out on his own (he says he never wants to live on his own?!) or go back to his mom's. Really love him but we have to start doing some tough love.

 

[Aboveallislove]

Dear Parents,
I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I went through something similar with a younger brother (without CF), and I can only imagine the fear is worse because some bad decisions can't be bounced back from with CF. After our son was diagnosed I read Love & Logic Parenting Children with Chronic Health Conditions by Lisa Greene and SOOOO wish I had read that before when trying to "help" my brother. I strongly recommend you go out and get it NOW. It is a fast read and you will be amazed at how you can see 100 good ways to address this horrible situation. Basically, you want to put this on your son, not express anger but sadness and ask him for the solution. But you really need to read the book--you could do it in a couple hours! And you might need to have a family therapist work with you as you change your approach. Again, my heart goes out to you. . . I think most of the CF parents here can relate to what you are going through, hoping it never happens and that we would be strong enough to handle it right, while fearing we wouldn't be. Hugs and lots of prayers for you both and your precious son.

 

[truff4507]

Thanks for the suggestion of the book. Will look for it (hugs) He is still in the hospital. Will be there for a week.

Dear Parents,
I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I went through something similar with a younger brother (without CF), and I can only imagine the fear is worse because some bad decisions can't be bounced back from with CF. After our son was diagnosed I read Love & Logic Parenting Children with Chronic Health Conditions by Lisa Greene and SOOOO wish I had read that before when trying to "help" my brother. I strongly recommend you go out and get it NOW. It is a fast read and you will be amazed at how you can see 100 good ways to address this horrible situation. Basically, you want to put this on your son, not express anger but sadness and ask him for the solution. But you really need to read the book--you could do it in a couple hours! And you might need to have a family therapist work with you as you change your approach. Again, my heart goes out to you. . . I think most of the CF parents here can relate to what you are going through, hoping it never happens and that we would be strong enough to handle it right, while fearing we wouldn't be. Hugs and lots of prayers for you both and your precious son.

 

[Aboveallislove]

After replying I saw your response about your proposed course of action and that really does make me think the book will be so helpful. While it makes sense to require payment of rent, etc., I wonder if making him pay you to put money in savings really fits with treating him like an adult? At 24, I was not only living on my own, but was putting a huge portion of my pay into savings on my own because I knew that I needed a nest egg. If he doesn't "save", then might it be better to let him live with the consequences? I just can't imagine someone telling me as an adult I must save. And it also leads to the point that you already told him he must save if he wanted to live there but he obviously ignored that. . . so the real tough love would be saying "you didn't live up to it, so you have to find another option." It seems that rather you're trying to rescue and give him one more last chance which isn't a last chance because you are controlling the decisions. Once you read the book you'll see what I mean. I am NOT saying I'd be able to handle it; I fear I wouldn't. But I know what I "should" do and pray I'd be able to do it. Please know of my thoughts prayers and some big hugs.

 

[truff4507]

Thank you so much for your insight. You said the exact same thing that I said! I agree that putting the money in savings for him is not teaching him a thing, but his father is wanting to give his his 3rd chance. I am definately getting the book and we BOTH will be reading this. His father and I have been together for 20 yrs and we usually agree on stuff. He is coming around to my way of thinking about making his son more responsible. I love his son so much and my husband nows this. He is just hurt with him about not appreciating everything we have tried to do to help him. Thanks again for all your responses.

After replying I saw your response about your proposed course of action and that really does make me think the book will be so helpful. While it makes sense to require payment of rent, etc., I wonder if making him pay you to put money in savings really fits with treating him like an adult? At 24, I was not only living on my own, but was putting a huge portion of my pay into savings on my own because I knew that I needed a nest egg. If he doesn't "save", then might it be better to let him live with the consequences? I just can't imagine someone telling me as an adult I must save. And it also leads to the point that you already told him he must save if he wanted to live there but he obviously ignored that. . . so the real tough love would be saying "you didn't live up to it, so you have to find another option." It seems that rather you're trying to rescue and give him one more last chance which isn't a last chance because you are controlling the decisions. Once you read the book you'll see what I mean. I am NOT saying I'd be able to handle it; I fear I wouldn't. But I know what I "should" do and pray I'd be able to do it. Please know of my thoughts prayers and some big hugs.