Honesty wanted

[Allie]

This is for CFers that are married/dating/what have you. Do you ever feel like your spouse isn't doing enough for you? Like they fail to understand?

Do you ever resent your spouse? Do you feel like they resent you? What would you like them to do better? What do they do well? What do they do that is really hard on you or hurts you? Do they act like they really love you?

Thanks for any answers you can give...

 

[S]

i have had a few issues with my girlfriend, times where she forgets about my situation healthwise and fails to take that into account when discussing problems she has in the relationship. but after talking things out we are always back together on the same page. i don't fault her for her feelings at times because i know it must be frustrating. i have tried to explain to friends/girlfriends in the past that are healthy this: consider how you feel on your sickest day, be it a cold or the flu or whatever...well, that is probably how i am feeling on my best day a lot of the time. kinda puts it into perspective for them. it's nice that she forgets i have cf every once in awhile, means i must be looking and feeling good!

 

[ladybug]

Wow, Allie, you shouldn't get me started.... lol....

I believe I have the best friend/husband in the world. He is always there for me and supports me in any way I need. However, something came up last year that made me a little upset. Basically, he will do absolutely anything I ask... anything for me. But, my problem was that I had to ASK. I know it sounds stupid.

When we were first trying to get prego, I'd sit for hours looking up info. on CF and pregnancy on the computer. He'd come home from work, and I'd still be looking stuff up and telling him what I'd find out. However, it bothered me tremendously that he never took the initiative. Now, granted, I know he worked full time, and as he told me, he just figured I was the expert and I would know everything anyway and know what I didn't know to look it up. He felt so confident in me finding my own answers and taking such good care of myself that he didn't feel compelled to search for stuff on CF. This really really bothered me. I felt like if he cared so much (which I know he did/does), he WOULD want to know everything about CF and then learn more so he could share it with ME.

Basically, to make a long story short, I think it was/is scary for him to look things up and live nothing but CF day in and day out, cause it is a constant reminder that CFers have a shortened life in general, and though I'm doing well, he didn't want to read about people getting sicker or CFers being held back (i.e. not being able to get prego).... It was easier for him to let me worry about that stuff so he didn't have to think about loosing me.

Now, it goes without saying I am a VERY OCD control-freak type, so I probably fed into this mentality. I think the problem often was that he would tell me something about CF and I'd be like, "ya, I know THAT!" Well, that didn't make him feel very good about finding out something and letting me know. So, I think we both kinda fed this off each other.

Either way, we stopped getting prego, and I pretty much stopped looking up motherhood stuff (until recently), so it wasn't really a big issue. Although I still often tell him things I find out on the boards, etc... like about OO and such, and I share my excitement with him (to which he is also excited, but doesn't really ever look into it further himself, nor does he bring it up really). I've sort of made peace with the fact that if and when I do need him, he is there for me 200%, so if all it means is that I need to tell him when I am scared or unsure about something and he steps up to the plate, that's good enough for me. I've made peace that CF scares him and that he thinks I will keep him informed. I have also made peace that it doesn't mean he cares or loves me any less cause he's not on the computer the second he walks in the door looking up CF stuff.

He's volunteered at every CF event we've had. Has given to CF through work. Has told his family/friends about CF and organ donation. He has held my hand in the hospital when I'm terrified of the picc (even though he is terrified of hospitals). He has cried with me when I'm scared, and has joked with me when I needed it. I guess to me, these things do mean more than anything he could do on a computer. And, maybe it empowers me to educate HIM about CF and empowers me to be the one in-control. I dont' know. Somehow it works out. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[65rosessamurai]

OK.
I had been married twice, and the first round was from one I felt had resented me from the day I was found to be "sterile", until the day I finally divorced. Instead of divorcing ON the grounds of sterility, or what-have-you, she ended up sucking all the income I had worked my A** of, hoping she would forgive such a thing that I was not fully aware of in the first place (I didn't think I would be the 98% due to my health).
As I look back, I felt I was treated very harshly, it was in some cases, adding insult to injury when I caught a cold. And, she was SO insistent that I not catch one, yet did not put any effort whatsoever into keeping me healthy, by giving me a proper diet (she resented me so much, she didn't want to put any effort into making my meals).
After 10 years of trying to figure out what her shortcomings were, I was convinced I was the one with all the shortcomings, and didn't understand how "Japanese Ways" were done.
Now, I had found someone whom I don't resent, though worry about if she is aware of some of the realities, hoping she will understand before it's too late. She already gives extra care and puts in a lot of effort on her part for me to stay healthy (she even banned me from Pizza Hut or Domino's Pizza!), by making meals, and keeping the month's supply of calcium, oo, etc. available!
She most certainly shows her love for me, sometimes I worry if I show enough for her, in fact.
Sometimes, i don't think she understands the need I have for keeping a higher level of salt intake, but then, she explains it as a balance of ALL nutrients, not just salt, some reasoning I can't disagree with.
The only thing I find that is hard on me, is that she is not the utmost greatest in keeping a house clean, and dust is one of my allergies.

 

[Claire17]

Hi Allie,<br>
You don't know me, but I've read many of your posts and your blog,
and just want to say thanks for sharing so much of yourself with
us. Here's my take on my husband and me.<br>
,<br>
I was amazed to read Sonia's response because it echoes many of my
experiences. This will probably get a little long, too, but here
goes. Brian and I have been married almost 5 years. We started
dating right before I got really sick; he was with me through
my lung transplant, and we got married two years later. He has
always been there for me and willing to do anything in his power to
help me. When I've been sick, he would make me laugh, keep me
company, do anything physical I couldn't do, deal with psycho
landlords--basically anything to make my life easier.<br>
<br>
But the details of CF, lung transplants, medicine, and all of that,
he leaves to me, which is the way I prefer it. Only at one point
did I get overwhelmed with all my prescriptions and he helped me
organize them, but neither he nor I liked it, even though he is
much more organized than me.<br>
<br>
My only concern is sometimes I feel a little bit alone with all of
the medical stuff, since he doesn't do research or go deeper than
what I tell him. For example, last summer my PFT's were going down
and the doctors were concerned it might be chronic rejection. They
were going to check my PFT's again in a month, and I spent the
entire time worrying about it. The day finally came, and the
results were way back up! I was so relieved.<br>
<br>
So I told Brian the good news over the phone, he said
"That's great. Guess where we went to lunch today for
work?" He had had no idea what chronic rejection might mean,
nor did he have an idea about the mental agony I'd been putting
myself through.<br>
<br>
I felt really alone at that point. Then I realized that some of the
cause is me. I know he's not a mind reader, and I expected him to
know what I had been thinking. If something is important enough for
me to worry about it, and I need to talk about it, I have to be
very clear and direct about it, basically, "This is a big
deal. This is what I would really like..."<br>
<br>
Maybe it's a guy thing, I don't know. Sometimes I get mad at him
because he doesn't get upset if I have news that upsets me. But he
fact that he doesn't freak out is actually one of the greatest
things about him. He sees all of the crap that has happened to me
healthwise, and just blinks and says, okay, what can we do
practically to deal with this?<br>
<br>
So to sum up, he does way more for me than a human being should be
able to do without getting cranky. Sometimes he doesn't understand
what I'm going through, but the reverse is also true. Sometimes I
resent him in petty ways, like we both put in the same amount of
work to train for a half-marathon, and he did really well, and I
beat some old folks and a couple kids. (I repeat, petty.
Cripes, I should be happy that I'm running). It's kind of an,
"It's not fair" shout that's still lingering in my
head. I don't feel like he resents me unless I'm being a brat and
asking for help I don't need. If he could do something a little
better, I wish he would be more willing to talk about hard stuff,
like what he really thinks about our future. He does everything
well, and doesn't really do much to hurt me. He most definitely
really loves me. Either that or he's insane.

 

[Allie]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>consider how you feel on your sickest day, be it a cold or the flu or whatever...well, that is probably how i am feeling on my best day a lot of the time</end quote></div>

Yah, I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and if I/we as spouses, do enough.

 

[JazzysMom]

OMG Its so ironic that you should post this. The past week I have been going down hill & will be going to the doctor tomorrow. Last night I threw dinner together & as soon as my hubby was home, I went to lay down. When I got up the kitchen was the way I left it. I asked him to do a few things which he did, but I struggled to do the rest. He knows I am not well & he knows this has been addressed. The doctor told me that just because I can do something doesnt mean I should. Now maybe he is worried that we are starting another bad time like last year or maybe he "forgot" how hard it is for me to do things. Either way I was really pissed, but not wanting to be a "burden" I just sucked it up & cleaned the kitchen up myself. Last night I can actually say I resented him for not being in tune & taking the initiative to clean things up. I dont always feel like this. Last year was the first time that my CF became a true reality to Robert. The inevitable was much more realistic & I thought it really made an impression on him, but after last night I am not sure. It is possible is back in denial or worry state.......I guess I should discuss it with him, huh?

 

[Lilith]

Okay, Allie. Here are my answers for you...

<b>Do you ever feel like your spouse isn't doing enough for you?:</b> In his current situation (i.e. living at home, having to work a lot, etc.), he does all he can to be with me and help me with whatever I need. Of course he can't understand every little thing I go through, but he's compassionate and understands if there are a few things I can't do or don't feel like doing because I'm ill, etc.

<b>Do you ever resent your spouse? Do you feel like they resent you?</b> No on both counts. I used to resent healthier people when I was young and didn't understand, but not anymore. And Rick loves me. For that reason alone, I could never resent him. Sometimes I feel like he resents me, but that's usually during my depressive days and even then he always insists that, despite the CF, he wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

<b>What would you like them to do better? What do they do well?</b> Well, I suppose the only thing I would like Rick to do better is be on time once in a while *lol* Actually, I wish we could live together so he could see what I do each day, because he always says that he doesn't really know enough about my illness. He wants to learn more. What he does well? Oh, so many things. He brings me lunch when I'm feeling crappy, he makes surprise visits to the hospital to see me (even on work days), he tries to do my chest PT for me if I'm having a problem, he always makes sure I call him after doctor's appointments and let him know how they went, he's always very careful with me so as not to wear me out (i.e. sex, walking the mall, etc.)...I could keep going on, but I won't bore you ^_^;

<b>What do they do that is really hard on you or hurts you?</b> Hmmm...he worries me sometimes when he doesn't answer the phone *lol* But as far as my health goes, nothing.

<b>Do they act like they really love you?</b> Totally! He's always kissing me and telling me how much he cares and that he would do anything for me, no matter what. Plus, not to sound like a hopeless romantic, but I can just see it in his eyes when he looks at me, you know? Can't really explain it beyond that.

Hope this helps you! Oh, and replace the word spouse with boyfriend...<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[gsplover]

Before my husband and I were married, our relationship was just like what Lilith described. After we married there a new pressure put on the relationship. Also I was not really sick while we date yet my husband new all the facts about CF before we married. He is always understanding when it comes to doing my treatments or when I am tired or sick. He will cook dinner when I don't want to because he knows I can't skip meals. For example, this weekend my sister and I took my neices to a hockey game. We didn't get home until 10:15pm. I had to do my vest and my hypertonic saline. I was starving. He got out of bed while I was doing my vest and made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk. When I was in the hospital last year. He took care of the house and the dogs, went to work and then would come to the hospital everynight and stay until he was sleepy. Then drive an hour back home. I told him he didn't have to come every night and that I would get some one else to come see me but he came every night even though I knew he was exhuasted.

When I comes to me and my living with CF he is wonderful. The only problems we have in our relationship is the normal male/female problems. And we are both very strong willed people so when we disagree on something we really disagree. But we knew this from the beginning. It makes it making up that much better because we sit back and laugh at it. Some days I get frustrated but then look back on the sistuation a few days later and say what was that all about.

My husband, showers me with love. He brings me flowers, he makes me dinner and tells me all the time he needs me more than he needs oxegen.

I love my husband. I have never resented him and I don't think he resents me. I think he is scared to loose me. We have been together for 12 years and I know he is always worried that everyday may be his last day with me. I wish he wouldn't have to be reminded of that so often.

 

[NoExcuses]

My boyfriend and I had this discussion just this past weekend.

And the analogy I use is the same - remember when you sick last December? I often feel like that EVERY day.

He is very understanding most of the time. But some things come up and I just feel like he doesn't understand. I almost get the feeling that he thinks I"m exaggerating things or making things up because I'm lazy.

It's tough sometimes.... but it's part of CF.

 

[Scarlett81]

I get to vent on my hubby, yea!!! Since y'all already know I love him anyway. Good topic, gives an interesting perspective.

"Do you ever feel like your spouse isn't doing enough for you?"- No. I feel like he does probably too much-in my situation, my husband works fuller than full time and provides hep with all the maintenance of the house, yard and stuff. He provides alot.
"Like they fail to understand?"-Sometimes. I've learned, though, that unless someone has been through what you have, they simply cannot understand. It's impossible. I know he understands as much as he can, but my illness is still hard for him to accept. At times, I know that I just can't go there with him about my cf. My husband is a little bit of a 'fear thinker', and gets upset if he thinks about something too much. To be honest, sometimes I want him to forget about it.

"Do you ever resent your spouse?"-I resent him sometimes for not giving me more slack with the house. He's a clean/organized maniac. And I'm not. Of course I clean, and keep things neat-but not to the level that he thinks is right. He really has a problem with it. He just doesn't get how I can't do as much as he can.

"Do you feel like they resent you?"-Sure. It's not easy for him to not be able to go to clubs and stay up late, and run around doing things limitlessly like most 20 somethings. And I'm sure we resent eachother for the whole 'house' thing. But I think that's just a maturity issues that will handle itself.

"What would you like them to do better?"-Be more optimistic and have that 'go get em' attitude as opposed to the 'it's getting us' attitude.

"What do they do well?"-He's a very responsible mature person. And he has good morals-he knows how to treat people well, be kind, be generous with him family and friends-things that I admire very much in a person.

"What do they do that is really hard on you or hurts you?"-When he shuts down and is unable to talk about something b/c it's too upsetting. He has trouble accessing his emotions I think. And the thing with the house cleaning again-that really upsets me if he brings it up again and again. It's probably what we argue about the msot.

"Do they act like they really love you?"-Everyday. In big ways-and in the little everday things that people forget are acts of love-like going to work a grueling job each day-and never complaining that all I do is take care of the house really, and basically run my life, go to the gym, and keep myself healthy. He never never uses that.

 

[catboogie]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Allie</b></i>

This is for CFers that are married/dating/what have you. Do you ever feel like your spouse isn't doing enough for you? Like they fail to understand?



Do you ever resent your spouse? Do you feel like they resent you? What would you like them to do better? What do they do well? What do they do that is really hard on you or hurts you? Do they act like they really love you?



Thanks for any answers you can give...</end quote></div>

i do sometimes feel a bit like my boyfriend isn't doing enough for me. but i do not fault him. it takes a while for a couple to get in sync with each other, cf or no cf. partly because i am healthy, my boyfriend does not have to do a lot for me besides support me emotionally, which he is excellent about. like someone said, you have to ask if you want something you feel you are not getting. i feel like if in the future i need to ask more i will get it.

one thing that bothers me and has in the past always been the case is the situation sonia described. my boyfriends never ever look up information on their own about cf. they just get it from me on a 'need to know' basis with the rare question and answer session thrown in. i rarely categorize things like this, but i suspect that this is a male thing. ?

to put things into perspective, i think it is kind of weird that we (people with cf) spend so much time on these kinds of websites. my last boyfriend did not understand it at all and i see his point. we immerse ourselves in the ins and outs of cf, the good and the bad and the ugly...i guess what i'm saying is that we can't possibly expect for our loved ones to be involved the level we are. it is too hard emotionally for them whereas we are emotionally immune to it somewhat.

i don't think there is anything wrong with us being the innital educators for our loved ones. but as time goes by it is reasonable to expect more from them.

laura

 

[Emily65Roses]

I guarantee there are times where I get frustrated and wish Mike would understand more. But he understands, I think, as much as possible given that he doesn't have CF. And to be completely honest, I can't think of anything he does that makes me feel like he's disregarding the CF.

 

[Emily65Roses]

Just had to say, A+ to Karen. No offense taken, no upsetness occurring. Just A+ work. Heh.

 

[thelizardqueen]

Good topic. I have to say that I think I have the best partner imaginable. Cory is my best friend, my partner, my sane half, I don't know what I'd do without him. All this being said - I sometimes feel that he just "doesn't get it". Yes I may look healthy, and yes I have a sense of humour, etc - but I sometimes think that he forgets that I have CF, and seems to think that I can do more then I actually can because I don't look sick, or act "physically" sick. The one problem that Cory and I have, is that he told me once that he didn't picture thinking about having kids and getting married until he's in his 30s, and myself I live my life on a time span. He's all for having kids, etc - but I have to do things right now, and he doesn't get that. He tells me to be optimistic, etc - that I may not die young, but truth of the matter is, is that I won't see my kids have kids, and I want to enjoy kids while I can. He doesn't get the timeline thing at all, and never feels the need for rush. Its almost like he still thinks I'm a normal person who just has a cough sometimes.

Though there are good times for the most part. He's understanding when I'm sick, he takes care of me, he's always there for my appts, etc. I think he just doesn't think long term alot.

 

[JazzysMom]

Let me do mine again. I was venting earlier & didnt really asnwer the questions.

Do you ever feel like your spouse isn't doing enough for you?
I never feel that isnt doing enough for ME!

Like they fail to understand?
I do think he fails to understand at times. We both get stuck in the mind frame of as long as I can do it then I must be fine.


Do you ever resent your spouse?
I have resented him when we have gone places (Walmart for example) & I get tired quickly & then get grouchy. He doesnt understand that so now just he & Jazmine go!

Do you feel like they resent you?
I dont know if its resentment or worrying. My hubby doesnt show much emotion so its hard to tell at times. Its definitely an irritation, but as to whether its from resentment or not I dont know!

What would you like them to do better?
Pitch in with the nightime chores (bath, homework, dishes etc) that happens at "crunch" time in the evening.

What do they do well?
He is a very hard worker & is always striving to make our lives better. I NEVER have to worry about things as long as I tell him what the problem is. He always seems to take it in stride & comes up with a solution.

What do they do that is really hard on you or hurts you?
His smoking is really hard on me. Not just physically, but emotionally. I grew up in a smoking household so it bothers me even more with my daughter around it. He makes a good effort to stay out of my space (not in the house & car etc) where my Mom never has done that.

Do they act like they really love you?
I have no doubt that Robert loves me with every inch of his being. He is always thinking of me. Always showing his love in various ways. I often think its a bunch of bull (in my mind) because it is so much, but then I realize that he hasnt changed one bit in the 9 1/2 years we have been together. He always told me that he is consistant in his thoughts & actions because he is honest & sincere. He is also totally right!

 

[Emily65Roses]

Okay I finally just read through all the replies, and feel like being more specific. So I'm going to reply again, to each specific question.

<b>Do you ever feel like your spouse isn't doing enough for you?</b>
Not really, no. Mike and I have normal male/female disagreements, but as far as the CF goes, he's incredibly helpful.

<b>Like they fail to understand?</b>
Again, no. There is a point to which he CAN'T understand. Simple fact, given he doesn't have CF. But he understands as much, I think, as is physically possible.

<b>Do you ever resent your spouse?</b>
Really the only time I remember resenting him outright was when he was smoking weed more regularly (two or three times a month). That was because I also enjoy being high, but smoking is out of the question. And brownies are more expensive to come by, so I was like rarrr yeah you go get stoned, and I'll sit here on my *ss, bored, and jealous. Heh.

<b>Do you feel like they resent you?</b>
Absolutely not. He resents the CF. It's part of me, but it's not something I do on purpose, and I know that. And I know he knows that. There is a big difference between resenting a person for something they can fix and resenting the problem itself (when it's unavoidable). Mike resents the CF, the situation. Not me.

<b>What would you like them to do better?</b>
Really the only things I wish Mike would do better have little or nothing to do with the CF. He's rarely on time, and he's a slob. He's a little irresponsible in some life things (school, etc). Just typical 20-year-old male stuff.

<b>What do they do well?</b>
Everything CF-related, honestly. He does my chest therapy EVERY NIGHT, even if he's tired or whatever. Since August, he's asked to skip like twice. We've skipped a few more times on MY account, but very rarely do we skip because of him. He accesses my port every month, even though it creeps him out. When we go to my doc's appointments (in regards to people wishing their loved ones would seek more information on their own), Mike always pipes up. He asks stuff when he doesn't understand, or when he thinks McArdle can give him a better idea on how to take care of me better in some way.

<b>What do they do that is really hard on you or hurts you?</b>
Really the only thing, is that he hides some emotions from me. He's recently gotten much better about it. But it's still difficult for him. He feels like complaining about how my coughing fits hurt him sounds SO DUMB when I'm the one coughing. The way he put it: "Oh hey, while you're barely breathing, you should know... I hurt." I told him I always want and need to know, no matter what. I think he mostly got the point. He's started sharing more with me. He also brushes off death when it comes up. Like he'll be 100% fine. And I know he won't. He REALLY REALLY REALLY is very careful of <i>not</i> making me feel guilty, or like I'm a burden. He makes such a huge conscious effort to avoid that.

<b>Do they act like they really love you?</b>
Yes. Anyone who hears me talk about the Michael knows this. These are some of the reasons why:
<b>1).</b> I told him a while back that he wasn't UNaffectionate, but that I felt like I needed more. And since then he has gone out of his way to make sure I know I'm loved. He tells me so often, kisses me often for no reason. Every once and a while, instead of saying "I love you" in passing like we do... He sits me down, looks into my eyes and says "I really love you, you know that, right?" So cute.
<b>2).</b> The incredible effort he makes to make sure I don't feel like a burden to him. He wants me to know how much he loves me, and how happy I make him, CF or not. He has never once said ANYTHING that has made it sound like I'm a burden to him. He hates the CF, but always makes it very clear that it's the CF that sucks, not me. That he hates it for both of us, because it causes us both pain, etc.
<b>3).</b> Our discussions on having kids. I've apologized more than once for being broken and unable to have kids. And every time, he's told me he does not care. That he <i>wants</i> kids, but he <i>needs</i> me. And that we'll figure something out, that he'll do whatever he can and has to, to make sure we have kids. My cousin has expressed an interest in possibly carrying a child for us some day. She currently lives across the country. When discussing it, Mike told me that if that's the way we go, he'd find a way to support us while we live away from home for 9 months (on top of the IVF costs). That he WILL make it happen. And he's never blamed me for not being able.
<b>4).</b> I told him I was worried about him possibly going to school in NYC because it's full of drinking/drugs/sleeping around opportunities. He said no way, and he was a little insulted that I worried about that. I asked "Well what if you find some attractive girl that you really get along with? If you decide to weigh the pros and cons of me and her, she will always have at least two things over me. She can have kids, and she'd be healthy." He responded "I am seriously hurt that you think that. I could never comprehend of using those as reasons to be with someone else. I want to be with you, period the end." He was seriously angry with himself, because he thought he had given me specific reason to think he'd use those reasons against me.
<b>5).</b> How involved he is with my CF life. He could just be in as far as need be, but he goes the extra mile. I love when he asks questions from the corner when we go to my clinic appointments. McArdle pays as much attention to him as me (when discussing things in general, instead of listening to my chest or something that obviously has to be about me).

There are so so SO many more reasons, but I suppose that'll do, because I've already written for days. <img src="i/expressions/heart.gif" border="0">

 

[thelizardqueen]

Ok - so now I want to be a bit more specific.

<b>Do you ever feel like your spouse isn't doing enough for you?</b>
I think Cory does a h*ll of a lot for me and my CF, so no I don't think he isn't doing enough for me.

<b>Like they fail to understand?</b>
Well when it comes to day to day life, he gets the picture. He understands what's going on with me and my CF. Long term however I think is a different thing. I sometimes wonder if he fully comprehends long term.

<b>Do you ever resent your spouse?</b>
Umm...no I don't resent him. I sometimes wish I was as healthy as he was, and am able to do things that he can, but I don't resent him.

<b>Do you feel like they resent you?</b>
Cory resents the CF, not me as a person.

<b>What would you like them to do better?</b>
I wish he would understand that I don't have forever and a day to do the things I want to do. That I have to do the things I want while I'm healthy and am able to focus 100% on - like having a family.

<b>What do they do well?</b>
He does a lot for me. He does my physio for me when he's not at work, he gets all my pills ready for me to take, reminds me to take my vitamin. He always give me my shots even though needles creep him out, and he comes with me to my appointments even though hospitals scare him. He also takes care of every little thing when I'm too sick to do anything.

<b>What do they do that is really hard on you or hurts you?</b>
I wish he would open up more about how CF affects him. We always talk about me and CF, but rarely ever him and CF.

<b>Do they act like they really love you?</b>
Absolutly - without a doubt!<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[Sunnie]

I've been dating my guy for 2 1/2 years. Do I feel like he's not doing enough for me? Sometimes. But it has nothing to do with my CF. We're two very different people. I'm going to school and he works his rear off. When it comes to my health, he does what he can from making sure he knows where all my meds are located, to trying to cheer me up when I'm not feeling well or when I'm upset.

Do I feel like he fails to understand? Well of course I do. People can not understand what they can not experience. Due to his asthma he does understand what it feels like to gasp for air. He knows the fear that maybe the next breath will be the last. But as soon as the attack subsides he is fine. He knows what causes them and can avoid triggers. With CF I really don't know how I'm going to feel day to day. When I'm sick and end up in the hospital gasping for air, I wonder if I'm coming out. I'm begging God to give me more time with those I love.

But on the same token. I don't understand his fear. I don't understand his fear of losing me. I can't understand having to watch the one you love slowly slip away. I can't understand why he chooses to love me when he can very well find someone else who is much healthier and who has a better chance of "growing old" with him than I do.

Do I resent him? No. Well, it depends on the time of the month (you know what I'm talking about girls). I do resent his job. It takes him away so much and I can't go with him without proper planning. But the bills need paying. His work pays quite well.

Does he resent me? I doubt it. He's the one who called everyone in his family when I got excepted to the school of my dreams just to give them the good news. He does resent the fact that I can't just pack up and go with him where ever his work sends him. We have to arrange for all my meds to be properly transported. Make sure I have enough meds for the duration of the stay. Get doctor permission. Not something that can be done within a few hours. So usually he goes on ahead and I make arrangements (if I'm done with school for the quarter) to fly out on a later date.

What would I like him to do better? I would like him to get his work to understand that just because I'm doing fine today, it doesn't mean I'll be okay tomorrow. I'd like his boss to understand that I need my guy there when I'm in the hospital. I would like him to be home more often and understand that I'm not going to be here forever.

What does he do well? He's a great listener. When I'm upset no matter what's going on or where he's at, he will stop and listen to whatever is bothering me. When I'm having a coughing fit he stops what he is doing and just holds me until it subsides. He makes it a point to know what I enjoy just so he can suprise with something later. He encourages my dreams and ideas. And sometimes he is my voice of reason.

What does he do that is really on me or hurts me? His being away. That's the hardest thing at the moment. Also he doesn't tell me how he feels about my having CF. He has a hard time telling me his own fears and what bothers him. It's like pulling teeth. I find myself having to read his face and his voice to understand what is going on within his mind. I'm not a mind reader.

Does he act like he really loves me? By my definition or his? For me again it depends on the time of the month (I'm an emotional roller coaster during that time). In his way he does show that he loves me. He calls quite often when he's away from home. He can be protective and still makes sure I don't feel stifled. To the world our relationship is odd since we are the last of our friends to be single, yet we have dated the longest. We show our love in weird ways.

 

[S]

it's nice to see a topic like this after all the recent bickering, because even though we are all different in many, many ways, we also have soo much in common, at least that's what i've gathered from reading these posts. it's nice to be reminded of that sometimes.