how do you deal with family?

[anonymous]

I am so angry at my mother-in-law. She lives in another town but basically has no interest in being in our lives, knowing how my husband is doing (he has CF), etc. She never writes, calls or sends cards. She has a computer and e-mail but never replies to our e-mail. My husband was diagnosed as an adult so she knows very little about CF and doesn't want to learn. She has never been much of a mother or mother-in-law, but I thought his diagnosis would change things. It really hurts us that she doesn't show any concern. How do you deal with family like that?

Thanks. I want to be anonymous in case anyone we know is lurking.

 

[EB24]

I have family that believes, if they don't talk about it, I am OK. They drive me nuts. It is very hard thinking how a person/people who should automatically love you can be so nieve or caliss(sp?) You just be there for your husband(seems that you very much are) and try not to let the mother-in-law worry you so much. She doesn't know what she is missing.

 

[WinAce]

I have the exact opposite problem. I <i>wish</i> my parents would forget all about me and never call. But they keep bothering, the bastards. Can we switch parents, by any chance?

I would just write them off as a lost cause and focus on loving each other, instead.

 

[anonymous]

Ugh, I can totally relate. My own mother is that way (I am the one with CF as well as another family member). Well my mom always wants to be the center of attention so I don't even invite her to go to appts. with me. Infact, I've been going alone since I was in high school. If she talks with others though she says how involved she is and how important a cure is.....when she does't even call to check on me, or visit me when I'm IN the hospital, or call the day of dr appts. It is so frustrating! So basically I have just surrounded myself with good friends and they give me the support I need. So you are not alone....but it's really crappy just the same.
Be the best support you can be for your husband and make sure that you have support for yourself. You will need it.
Good luck.
Another Anonymous

 

[anonymous]

Ace,
I think you just post things just to get a response & it worked.
You are without exception the most bitter, negative person I have seen on this board. And shame on you for calling your parents bastards. If they taught you respect, you've forgotten about it.
Elle

 

[WinAce]

With all due respect, you're not in a position to dispute that characterization of my parents. (No one who <i>is</i> familiar with more details about them ever has.) And you certainly have no grounds for calling me bitter or negative, just because I'm brutally honest. If anyone deserves that label here, it would have to be you for engaging in unwarranted personal attacks on other posters. If there's one thing <i>your</i> parents didn't teach <i>you</i>, it's not to make stupid, knee-jerk assumptions about others. I hope you take a good long look in the mirror and ask if you're proud of such behavior.

 

[anonymous]

I am the original poster, and I just want to thank those of you who replied. I'm sorry that some of you are going through similiar things, but it is good to know someone understands. It helped just to hear that we're not alone. My family is supportive so that helps. I do try to be there for my husband always and I think we should do as you all said, just be there for each other and surround ourselves with people that are supportive. Thanks and I wish you all health and happiness.

an anonymous wife

 

[JazzysMom]

<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>Anonymous</b></i><br>Ace,

I think you just post things just to get a response & it worked.

You are without exception the most bitter, negative person I have seen on this board. And shame on you for calling your parents bastards. If they taught you respect, you've forgotten about it.

Elle<hr></blockquote>








I dont think any of us are in a position to tell Win Ace how to think of his parents. Not all parents are good parents & not all deserve the respect that comes with the title of parents. Bearing children doesnt automatically give you that right. I have no doubt that his words can not describe to us what he has experienced. I could not imagine having to deal with so much without my Mom. Even tho she lives in the past & doesnt want to hear the "truth" of how I am doing, she still is there. This is her way of handling it & I acknowledge that. I cant say that I had it bad enough with her that I would want to trade her & I have learned how fortunate I am from Win Ace. Unless you can walk in someones shoes for a day, it is very easy to cast opinions.

 

[anonymous]

You know, I think WinAce's post is a clear example of how easy it is for us to misread someone else's post based on our expectations/beliefs, etc. When I read his post, my first impression was that he was trying to be humorous in a tongue in cheek sort of way. I took absolutely no offense to it. Obviously, my impression was wrong based on his reply to the anon poster but you know I still took absolutely no offense to it. As Jazzy's mom said, we're in no position to judge anyone elses feelings towards their family, especially when we know absolutely nothing about the situation. For what it's worth, I have read many of WinAce's posts and while they differ greatly with my own (evangelistic christian), and at times do seem very bitter - all the same, it's quite obvious to me that he's given a great deal of thought to his position and appears to have studied the issue(s) from both sides before making an informed decision. I respect that.

But, I digress. The point of MY post was just to point out how easy it is for <b>any</b> of us to misread the intentions of the poster based on our own experiences, biases, and even frame of mind at that particular time.

To the original poster. I am sorry that your husband's mother is so unsupportive. I have to agree with everyone else, try not to waste your time or energy with her. Instead, surround yourself with friends and family who <b>are</b> supportive. Life is too short for all of us, cf or not, to waste it in the company of those who are negative and tear us down instead of helping us build our selves up.
Mel

 

[anonymous]

My dad was abusive to my brothers while growing up & I remember hiding in a closet so I didn't have to hear their cries--that being said, I still would not call him a bas*ard. I was taught to honor my mother and father & I didn't dare dishonor them or I would be the one crying, so I guess that just carried over into adulthood.
And I understand that parents don't always deserve respect, but calling them bas*ards is pretty strong in my 'brutally honest' opinion. And you're right, maybe they did lock Ace in a closet, beat him, torture him, I don't know, he didn't mention any of this, he just made it sound like they were 'meddlesome', so to that I responded that calling them bastards was disrespectful.
Elle

 

[JazzysMom]

As usual the posts dont tell it all. Win Ace has stated in previous posts how things were. The most recent seemed that his parent were "meddlesome", but indeed there is much, much more to his case.

 

[anonymous]

Well 'nuf said.
I think if having CF has taught alot of us one thing, it's to be strong, to stand up for what we believe and to not be afraid to say what we feel. Sometimes this gets us into some arguments, obviously.
I've always been strong in what I believe and not afraid to state my opinion, sometimes to my detriment, sometimes not.
I'm big enough to admit that at times my view is not always the right one, although it seemed right at the time it is stated.
Elle

 

[olivia]

All I can say is, try walking in someone elses shoes before commenting. I have wonderful parents, but my step-son has the mother from hell, and I was so shocked at her treatment of them, I didn't think that a mother could treat their children this way and still think that they are the best mother in the world! I totally repect my parents, but if they haven't given you anything to respect them for, how do you do it?

 

[Purplelungs]

I have heard a story or two from WinAce about his parents...and maybe you think calling them what he did was bad....but lets just say he has been through alot with them.
I know what your saying Elle. I used to hide as well. No my dad didnt hit us but he came really close alot of times, there is holes in the wall to prove it. Thats still really scary to a kid...even a teenager. I was also taught to honor my mother and father and respect your elders. But with my father I just cant do it. There comes a time when the deserve no respect and its impossible to even try. anyway

I have a mother in law that well is weird. My husband doesnt like his parents either for his own reasons. But anyway she always acts like she knows what cf is about talking to guests or other family members about it and I hear her give totally wrong information, especially about myself...so I just kinda butt in and say "well actually" She acts like one of those mothers that thinks she did perfect and is a great mom, which would probably be true for some of the syblings but not all of them, especially my husband. (there are 7 kids and he got the raw deal most of the time). Then there is my dad. Oh i could tell you tons of things about him. But no matter what is going on in someone elses life, doesnt have to be mine, he has it worse. He job is soo hard (which granted sometimes it is tough but not everyday like he claims), he hurts all the time, oh he even will grab his chest doesnt matter right or left side and say he is having a heart attack (probably gas). One time he came to visit me in the hospital the ay after I had surgery and I was hurting really bad but didnt say anything. Then he goes into this thing about how bad he hurts...and get this "oh you dont know what its like out in the real world...he kept talking and i blocked him out, something about its cruel and you have to work hard to make a living.....im laying there thinking no really? you think so? dont tell me i'm not in the real world, i've been in the hospital more times than anyone my age should have to be, i've had to skip being a teenager and turn into an adult, i have to live with you and your drinking and yelling, breaking things hitting things hurting...dont tell me i dont know what the real worlds like. I so wanted to tell him off but couldnt cus i knew i had to go back home. Ok sorry for the rant there. YOur not alone we all have at least the one family member that you want to kick.

 

[anonymous]

I know some ppl who are parents that if they were mine id have no problem calling them worse names than bastards!! I have read Ace's family problems and let me tell you he has every right. They are his parents and he has been through hell. So as far as im concerned if your parents are making your life more difficult or they are causing more problems than good and you cant get through to them there is nothing wrong with writing them off! Sometimes we are better off without the negative ppl in our lives. Parents or not! I was blessed with wonderful parents but I know alot of ppl who were not. They could have done a better job raising themseleves!

 

[WinAce]

For the record, I acknowledge my parents did a lot of good things. Furthermore, my use of "bastards" was more in line with the frivolous usage popularized on South Park, more akin to a playful "dorks" than a serious condemnation. Perhaps I should have made that more clear, although it still doesn't excuse knee-jerk reactions and jumping to conclusions based on a short paragraph. My post <i>was</i> entirely tongue-in-cheek in the first place (as should have been plainly obvious by my offer to "exchange" them). This is not to say they haven't done things which would be excellent grounds for disowning them, but I'm not one to hold grudges, so I merely joke about it, instead.

Sheesh.

Let me additionally state that respect should be <i>earned</i>, or at least granted by default with the caveat of potential withdrawal, not granted with a blank check, regardless of behavior, because certain people share some genes with you.

 

[anonymous]

I JUST READ UR CONCERN, AND BELIEVE ME UR NOT THE ONLY ONE WHOSE FAMILY WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH U. I AM 29 YEARS OLD, MY BROTHER IS 23 W C/F, AND MY MOM KICKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE AT THE AGE OF SIXTEEN AND THRU ME IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL BECAUSE SHE DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME, AND BELIEVE ME I AM NOT CRAZY, WAS JUST DIAGANOSED WITH DEPRESSION, SO WHEN THE INSURANCE RAN OUT AT TWO WEEKS, THE DOCTOR CALLED MY MOM AND TOLD HER TO COME GET ME AND SHE TOLD HIM NO, FIND SOMEWHERE FOR HER TO GO! TALK ABOUT FU**N DEVISTATION!!!! THE OLDER I GET I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT SHE IS THE UNBALANCED ONE AND MENTALLY UNSTABLE ONE, AND SHE CHOSE HER SECOND AND THIRD HUSBAND, PLUS MY SICK BROTHER CLEARLY OVER ME, BUT BELIEVE ME I WAS ANGRY FOR MANY YEARS AT HER, BUT MORE HURT THAN ANGRY...SO, I WAS PUT IN A GROUP HOME FOR A WHILE, AND THEN TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT I MET A WONDERFUL LADY WHO BECAME MY FOSTER MOM, AND TO THIS DAY, WE HANG OUT ALL THE TIME, AND LIVE 10 MINUTES FROM EACH OTHER. THE WIERD THING IS I HAVE FORGIVEN MY MOM FOR WHAT SHE DID TO ME, BUT BELIEVE ME IT DID NOT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT!! SHE LIVES UP IN OREGON AND WE TALK ONCE A MONTH OR SO. I HAD TO FORGIVE HER BECAUSE IT WAS EATING ME INSIDE AND IT WAS HOLDING ME BACK AND I WAS TIRED OF BEING AN ANGRY PERSON ALL THE TIME, BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE I STILL ASK MY SELF SOMETIMES, HOW, WHY?? WHATEVER, LIFE GOES ON, AND I TELL U WHAT, THAT SITUATION HAS MADE ME A VERY STRONGWILLED, AND INDEPENDENT PERSON! SORRY FOR VENTING, I GOT CARRIED AWAY.......