How do you nicely avoid things

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lexisangels05

New member
How do you nicely tell folks...
How do you keep from making people mad, when you don't feel comfortable taking your CF child to visit them? This is my in-laws house...which makes it harder. We have been having get togethers at our house, but are starting to get invites to their house. We avoid it, by making up excuses...but I feel like I need to explain.
My MIL house is very old. They have had water several times come up in their hvac duct work...so I know there is mold. Part of the front of their home is underground. Also the sink in the kitchen and bath tubs have visible mold growing around the tile. My FIL smokes...but his idea of smoking outside is...light the cigharette inside, lay the lighter on the counter and walk outside. He doesnt do this while we are there...but he comes in and out reaking of smoke. My sister-in-law has a cat that she takes over there quit often, too.
What to say/do? How do you explain things with out offending folks?
Melissa
 
L

lexisangels05

New member
How do you nicely tell folks...
How do you keep from making people mad, when you don't feel comfortable taking your CF child to visit them? This is my in-laws house...which makes it harder. We have been having get togethers at our house, but are starting to get invites to their house. We avoid it, by making up excuses...but I feel like I need to explain.
My MIL house is very old. They have had water several times come up in their hvac duct work...so I know there is mold. Part of the front of their home is underground. Also the sink in the kitchen and bath tubs have visible mold growing around the tile. My FIL smokes...but his idea of smoking outside is...light the cigharette inside, lay the lighter on the counter and walk outside. He doesnt do this while we are there...but he comes in and out reaking of smoke. My sister-in-law has a cat that she takes over there quit often, too.
What to say/do? How do you explain things with out offending folks?
Melissa
 
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Ratatosk

Administrator
Staff member
Are you and your spouse on the same page? Meaning does he agree with avoiding their home? If so, I'd let him deal with the issue. I'd invite the inlaws to your home instead -- tell them with your child's busy schedule of treatments, medications, etc. that it's easier to have them come visit the grandchildren at your house instead.

We have had to avoid certain family events -- a wedding reception at a VFW club that allowed smoking. DH has had to tell his parents that we WILL leave an event if some one shows up ill. That we won't risk DS' lung function or health because feelings might be hurt or someone might get embarrassed.
 
R

Ratatosk

Administrator
Staff member
Are you and your spouse on the same page? Meaning does he agree with avoiding their home? If so, I'd let him deal with the issue. I'd invite the inlaws to your home instead -- tell them with your child's busy schedule of treatments, medications, etc. that it's easier to have them come visit the grandchildren at your house instead.

We have had to avoid certain family events -- a wedding reception at a VFW club that allowed smoking. DH has had to tell his parents that we WILL leave an event if some one shows up ill. That we won't risk DS' lung function or health because feelings might be hurt or someone might get embarrassed.
 
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Anomie

New member
I wouldn't worry about it too much since she already cultures mold and pseudomonas and will always have them. I don't see why it matters if a cat comes over there occasionally. Its not bad for CF kids to be around cats unless they're allergic to them. As far as the smoking goes it is fine as long as he smokes outside. Him reeking of smoke isn't going to hurt anything and eventually your child will have to grow up and occasionally deal with second hand smoke so try not to keep her in such a bubble and let other family members enjoy spending time with her.
 
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Anomie

New member
I wouldn't worry about it too much since she already cultures mold and pseudomonas and will always have them. I don't see why it matters if a cat comes over there occasionally. Its not bad for CF kids to be around cats unless they're allergic to them. As far as the smoking goes it is fine as long as he smokes outside. Him reeking of smoke isn't going to hurt anything and eventually your child will have to grow up and occasionally deal with second hand smoke so try not to keep her in such a bubble and let other family members enjoy spending time with her.
 
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SARAHSARAH253

New member
Hi there,

I'm very thankful that most our family & friends have homes I feel comfortable visiting. When my son was born my mothers home had issues. That I was already had concerns with before the CF diagnoses. It was a very delicate issue. However, I worked the angle of trying to help and found lot's solutions to a majority of the issues. We focused on having the living area "Kid Friendly". It was allot of work, because you can't tell others how to live. But, you can control if you visit. This put a real strain on our relationship, but we're finally at a good place. Trust me we had lots of awkward
conversations to get where we are at. Try offering them to visit anytime at your home. That you can control.

I understand I can't control if other people smoke, but i can control if my kids are standing next to them. I have relatives that are smokers, but I'd never refuse them to be visit my child. They can't smoke in my home around my
children. But, I'm not going to punish them by refusing them to visit.

Animals have never been an issue for my little man. They bring him sooooo much joy!!

I hope you can find somewhere in the middle with your in-laws. Family is so important in this fight. Even if it's visiting in the summer months for BBQ's. Good luck!

Sarah
Mommy to Johnny 4 w/cf & Baily 2 no/cf

Sorry if I have typos my iPad doesn't like this site;(
 
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SARAHSARAH253

New member
Hi there,

I'm very thankful that most our family & friends have homes I feel comfortable visiting. When my son was born my mothers home had issues. That I was already had concerns with before the CF diagnoses. It was a very delicate issue. However, I worked the angle of trying to help and found lot's solutions to a majority of the issues. We focused on having the living area "Kid Friendly". It was allot of work, because you can't tell others how to live. But, you can control if you visit. This put a real strain on our relationship, but we're finally at a good place. Trust me we had lots of awkward
conversations to get where we are at. Try offering them to visit anytime at your home. That you can control.

I understand I can't control if other people smoke, but i can control if my kids are standing next to them. I have relatives that are smokers, but I'd never refuse them to be visit my child. They can't smoke in my home around my
children. But, I'm not going to punish them by refusing them to visit.

Animals have never been an issue for my little man. They bring him sooooo much joy!!

I hope you can find somewhere in the middle with your in-laws. Family is so important in this fight. Even if it's visiting in the summer months for BBQ's. Good luck!

Sarah
Mommy to Johnny 4 w/cf & Baily 2 no/cf

Sorry if I have typos my iPad doesn't like this site;(
 
K

kirstynkoffs

New member
Anomie I am sorry but I think you are out of line. Mould is VERY dangerous. While a person/child can grow one type of 'mould' doesn't mean they can't get another. Its like saying oh well they already have PA exposing them to MRSA can't hurt. It's crazy. Mould is not good for anyone let alone a CF'er. I lived in a house that had mould issues that weren't obvious... My lung function plummeted to pre- transplant levels. Let alone the inflammation mould causes that could leave one susceptable to infection. If a person can't ensure there isn't mould in their kitchen i think it says a lot about their hygene standards.

As for the smoke... There are studies to say that even passive smoking from clothes etc. Can be harmful. In a cf'er it will cause irritation and inflamation. I don't know about you but smelling smoke in any way cause me to cough and makes me uncomfortable.

The cat isn't so much of a deal as long as there are no litter trays and the cat is clean.

Melissa I am sorry I have no advice for you but just wanted to assure you your concerns were very valid. I would not put myself in that position and until your child is old enough to make the choice herself, i think it's wonderful you are doing such a great job for her. Anomie what you choose to do or not do for your health are up to you but advising people to take risks well....
 
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kirstynkoffs

New member
Anomie I am sorry but I think you are out of line. Mould is VERY dangerous. While a person/child can grow one type of 'mould' doesn't mean they can't get another. Its like saying oh well they already have PA exposing them to MRSA can't hurt. It's crazy. Mould is not good for anyone let alone a CF'er. I lived in a house that had mould issues that weren't obvious... My lung function plummeted to pre- transplant levels. Let alone the inflammation mould causes that could leave one susceptable to infection. If a person can't ensure there isn't mould in their kitchen i think it says a lot about their hygene standards.

As for the smoke... There are studies to say that even passive smoking from clothes etc. Can be harmful. In a cf'er it will cause irritation and inflamation. I don't know about you but smelling smoke in any way cause me to cough and makes me uncomfortable.

The cat isn't so much of a deal as long as there are no litter trays and the cat is clean.

Melissa I am sorry I have no advice for you but just wanted to assure you your concerns were very valid. I would not put myself in that position and until your child is old enough to make the choice herself, i think it's wonderful you are doing such a great job for her. Anomie what you choose to do or not do for your health are up to you but advising people to take risks well....
 
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lexisangels05

New member
Thx for your input<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> We have actually gotten rid of Lexi's mould, ORSA, and Pseudomonas in the last year...PRAISE THE LORD!!! I just havent updated my signature (haven't been on here in a while). I know I have seen lots of posts where you guys have inside animals...but Lexi's CF doctor told us first off when we got her diagnosis that she did not want us to have inside animals. She continues to remind us of this...and other things. I also do think Lexi has allergies and a big asthma component to her CF. Maybe this is the reason??
 
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lexisangels05

New member
Thx for your input<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> We have actually gotten rid of Lexi's mould, ORSA, and Pseudomonas in the last year...PRAISE THE LORD!!! I just havent updated my signature (haven't been on here in a while). I know I have seen lots of posts where you guys have inside animals...but Lexi's CF doctor told us first off when we got her diagnosis that she did not want us to have inside animals. She continues to remind us of this...and other things. I also do think Lexi has allergies and a big asthma component to her CF. Maybe this is the reason??
 
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Anomie

New member
Well in that case I would just keep making up excuses until they finally take the hint. Its always good to avoid confrontation when at all possible and if you try explaing all of that to them they're not going to get it and they'll just end up taking it personally and feeling like they are not up to your standards.
 
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Anomie

New member
Well in that case I would just keep making up excuses until they finally take the hint. Its always good to avoid confrontation when at all possible and if you try explaing all of that to them they're not going to get it and they'll just end up taking it personally and feeling like they are not up to your standards.
 
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imported_Momto2

New member
First question- does your daughter actually have a response to allergens at this house? Coughing, asthma, or does she get ill after a visit? If this is the case, something really needs to be said. If there is no discernable reaction from her, but you just get the willies, if might be a case of just putting up with it if the visit are brief.


I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. My in-laws have a lovely vacation home on lake placid, but it is close to 100 years old. Mold, filth, bird dung in the walls, you name it. When we'd visit, I would be so juiced up on steroids, antibiotics, antihistimines, etc, that I could not sleep, my lungs were horrible, and it was just a totally miserable experience. My husband and I finally spoke up and explained we could not vacation there and why. The next summer, when it came time to invite us, they told us they had the camp keepers apartment completely renovated, new mattresses, all new bedding, air purifyer machines, new hardwood floors, the works done on this place. My jaw just dropped. We stayed there last year and I had NO breathing problems....amazing!
 
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imported_Momto2

New member
First question- does your daughter actually have a response to allergens at this house? Coughing, asthma, or does she get ill after a visit? If this is the case, something really needs to be said. If there is no discernable reaction from her, but you just get the willies, if might be a case of just putting up with it if the visit are brief.


I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. My in-laws have a lovely vacation home on lake placid, but it is close to 100 years old. Mold, filth, bird dung in the walls, you name it. When we'd visit, I would be so juiced up on steroids, antibiotics, antihistimines, etc, that I could not sleep, my lungs were horrible, and it was just a totally miserable experience. My husband and I finally spoke up and explained we could not vacation there and why. The next summer, when it came time to invite us, they told us they had the camp keepers apartment completely renovated, new mattresses, all new bedding, air purifyer machines, new hardwood floors, the works done on this place. My jaw just dropped. We stayed there last year and I had NO breathing problems....amazing!
 
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