How to help a family who has lost a child???

JennifersHope · Dec 9, 2008

A very good friend of mines son was killed in a car accident a little over two years ago now... The thing that she said was most helpful to her, besides of course monatary gifts was people just taking care of stuff for her.. Not asking her what she needs because she didn't know..

For instance, she would show up at home and her grass would be mowed, mail brought in, garbage cans etc.

Also, maybe getting a hotel for the family if the hospital is to far to commute to, because we all know a few hours sleep in bed is way better then sleeping in a chair at the hospital...

Personal baskets I would think are good too....

Keep us updated this family will be in my prayers for sure.

JennifersHope · Dec 9, 2008

A very good friend of mines son was killed in a car accident a little over two years ago now... The thing that she said was most helpful to her, besides of course monatary gifts was people just taking care of stuff for her.. Not asking her what she needs because she didn't know..

For instance, she would show up at home and her grass would be mowed, mail brought in, garbage cans etc.

Also, maybe getting a hotel for the family if the hospital is to far to commute to, because we all know a few hours sleep in bed is way better then sleeping in a chair at the hospital...

Personal baskets I would think are good too....

Keep us updated this family will be in my prayers for sure.

JennifersHope · Dec 9, 2008

A very good friend of mines son was killed in a car accident a little over two years ago now... The thing that she said was most helpful to her, besides of course monatary gifts was people just taking care of stuff for her.. Not asking her what she needs because she didn't know..

For instance, she would show up at home and her grass would be mowed, mail brought in, garbage cans etc.

Also, maybe getting a hotel for the family if the hospital is to far to commute to, because we all know a few hours sleep in bed is way better then sleeping in a chair at the hospital...

Personal baskets I would think are good too....

Keep us updated this family will be in my prayers for sure.

JennifersHope · Dec 9, 2008

A very good friend of mines son was killed in a car accident a little over two years ago now... The thing that she said was most helpful to her, besides of course monatary gifts was people just taking care of stuff for her.. Not asking her what she needs because she didn't know..

For instance, she would show up at home and her grass would be mowed, mail brought in, garbage cans etc.

Also, maybe getting a hotel for the family if the hospital is to far to commute to, because we all know a few hours sleep in bed is way better then sleeping in a chair at the hospital...

Personal baskets I would think are good too....

Keep us updated this family will be in my prayers for sure.

JennifersHope · Dec 9, 2008

A very good friend of mines son was killed in a car accident a little over two years ago now... The thing that she said was most helpful to her, besides of course monatary gifts was people just taking care of stuff for her.. Not asking her what she needs because she didn't know..
 
 For instance, she would show up at home and her grass would be mowed, mail brought in, garbage cans etc.
 
 Also, maybe getting a hotel for the family if the hospital is to far to commute to, because we all know a few hours sleep in bed is way better then sleeping in a chair at the hospital...
 
 Personal baskets I would think are good too....
 
 Keep us updated this family will be in my prayers for sure.

MicheleGazelle · Dec 10, 2008

When I have been extremely ill, people who wanted to "help" but also imposed on on my limited time and energy to get the reassurances they needed that I would be okay (or whatever) were not appreciated. I just didn't have the energy for it and was not in a good place emotionally for it. I saw the same thing when I took care of my sister after her first mastectomy: relatives who dropped by because they had some need to feel like they were doing the right thing but then they weren't actually helpful sometimes got turned away and there ended up being hard feelings on both sides. So I would plan to just take them a gift basket (or whatever), drop it off, and leave. Only stay if they clearly want you to. Let them know you are willing to stay and chat (assuming you are and can) but that you don't want to impose. It's really, really hard to deal politely with someone trying to be helpful who is actually making your life harder, especially when you are already under enormous stress. So try not to be such a person. That may be one of the things they remember most: The person who actually helped without imposing, unlike most of the folks they are likely to have to put up with during their time of need.

If it's a long drive to the hospital, a gas card might also be very welcome. Or a homecooked meal since they may be living on fast food. I don't eat barbecue ribs but learned to make them for my husband when I was married. For potlucks, I would cut them up into individual portions and they could be eaten with with just paper towels, no utensils or anything fancy needed. I never had to take home leftovers. Similarly, something homecooked but easily and conveniently served might be much appreciated in this situation.

MicheleGazelle · Dec 10, 2008

When I have been extremely ill, people who wanted to "help" but also imposed on on my limited time and energy to get the reassurances they needed that I would be okay (or whatever) were not appreciated. I just didn't have the energy for it and was not in a good place emotionally for it. I saw the same thing when I took care of my sister after her first mastectomy: relatives who dropped by because they had some need to feel like they were doing the right thing but then they weren't actually helpful sometimes got turned away and there ended up being hard feelings on both sides. So I would plan to just take them a gift basket (or whatever), drop it off, and leave. Only stay if they clearly want you to. Let them know you are willing to stay and chat (assuming you are and can) but that you don't want to impose. It's really, really hard to deal politely with someone trying to be helpful who is actually making your life harder, especially when you are already under enormous stress. So try not to be such a person. That may be one of the things they remember most: The person who actually helped without imposing, unlike most of the folks they are likely to have to put up with during their time of need.

If it's a long drive to the hospital, a gas card might also be very welcome. Or a homecooked meal since they may be living on fast food. I don't eat barbecue ribs but learned to make them for my husband when I was married. For potlucks, I would cut them up into individual portions and they could be eaten with with just paper towels, no utensils or anything fancy needed. I never had to take home leftovers. Similarly, something homecooked but easily and conveniently served might be much appreciated in this situation.

MicheleGazelle · Dec 10, 2008

When I have been extremely ill, people who wanted to "help" but also imposed on on my limited time and energy to get the reassurances they needed that I would be okay (or whatever) were not appreciated. I just didn't have the energy for it and was not in a good place emotionally for it. I saw the same thing when I took care of my sister after her first mastectomy: relatives who dropped by because they had some need to feel like they were doing the right thing but then they weren't actually helpful sometimes got turned away and there ended up being hard feelings on both sides. So I would plan to just take them a gift basket (or whatever), drop it off, and leave. Only stay if they clearly want you to. Let them know you are willing to stay and chat (assuming you are and can) but that you don't want to impose. It's really, really hard to deal politely with someone trying to be helpful who is actually making your life harder, especially when you are already under enormous stress. So try not to be such a person. That may be one of the things they remember most: The person who actually helped without imposing, unlike most of the folks they are likely to have to put up with during their time of need.

If it's a long drive to the hospital, a gas card might also be very welcome. Or a homecooked meal since they may be living on fast food. I don't eat barbecue ribs but learned to make them for my husband when I was married. For potlucks, I would cut them up into individual portions and they could be eaten with with just paper towels, no utensils or anything fancy needed. I never had to take home leftovers. Similarly, something homecooked but easily and conveniently served might be much appreciated in this situation.

MicheleGazelle · Dec 10, 2008

When I have been extremely ill, people who wanted to "help" but also imposed on on my limited time and energy to get the reassurances they needed that I would be okay (or whatever) were not appreciated. I just didn't have the energy for it and was not in a good place emotionally for it. I saw the same thing when I took care of my sister after her first mastectomy: relatives who dropped by because they had some need to feel like they were doing the right thing but then they weren't actually helpful sometimes got turned away and there ended up being hard feelings on both sides. So I would plan to just take them a gift basket (or whatever), drop it off, and leave. Only stay if they clearly want you to. Let them know you are willing to stay and chat (assuming you are and can) but that you don't want to impose. It's really, really hard to deal politely with someone trying to be helpful who is actually making your life harder, especially when you are already under enormous stress. So try not to be such a person. That may be one of the things they remember most: The person who actually helped without imposing, unlike most of the folks they are likely to have to put up with during their time of need.

If it's a long drive to the hospital, a gas card might also be very welcome. Or a homecooked meal since they may be living on fast food. I don't eat barbecue ribs but learned to make them for my husband when I was married. For potlucks, I would cut them up into individual portions and they could be eaten with with just paper towels, no utensils or anything fancy needed. I never had to take home leftovers. Similarly, something homecooked but easily and conveniently served might be much appreciated in this situation.

MicheleGazelle · Dec 10, 2008

When I have been extremely ill, people who wanted to "help" but also imposed on on my limited time and energy to get the reassurances they needed that I would be okay (or whatever) were not appreciated. I just didn't have the energy for it and was not in a good place emotionally for it. I saw the same thing when I took care of my sister after her first mastectomy: relatives who dropped by because they had some need to feel like they were doing the right thing but then they weren't actually helpful sometimes got turned away and there ended up being hard feelings on both sides. So I would plan to just take them a gift basket (or whatever), drop it off, and leave. Only stay if they clearly want you to. Let them know you are willing to stay and chat (assuming you are and can) but that you don't want to impose. It's really, really hard to deal politely with someone trying to be helpful who is actually making your life harder, especially when you are already under enormous stress. So try not to be such a person. That may be one of the things they remember most: The person who actually helped without imposing, unlike most of the folks they are likely to have to put up with during their time of need.
 
 If it's a long drive to the hospital, a gas card might also be very welcome. Or a homecooked meal since they may be living on fast food. I don't eat barbecue ribs but learned to make them for my husband when I was married. For potlucks, I would cut them up into individual portions and they could be eaten with with just paper towels, no utensils or anything fancy needed. I never had to take home leftovers. Similarly, something homecooked but easily and conveniently served might be much appreciated in this situation.

PlumPerfect · Dec 10, 2008

When I lost my brother I was 15 he was 17 ( non CF) it was hard and alot of things you didn't think about or care about at that time... I remember the best thing people did was not to ask and just showed up with food... we weren't going to be cooking or paying attention to eating really so it made us stop to eat because there was a good meal there. also silly things like toilet paper and common house hold items. Worst of all don't put in a card it will get better or time heals or anything like that.. its frustrating to hear at that time just a simple my sympathy is with you or what not is nice. If they have pets offer to let them out so they can spend more time at the hospital. possibly try to get other people in the neighborhood to help bring them food..

PlumPerfect · Dec 10, 2008

When I lost my brother I was 15 he was 17 ( non CF) it was hard and alot of things you didn't think about or care about at that time... I remember the best thing people did was not to ask and just showed up with food... we weren't going to be cooking or paying attention to eating really so it made us stop to eat because there was a good meal there. also silly things like toilet paper and common house hold items. Worst of all don't put in a card it will get better or time heals or anything like that.. its frustrating to hear at that time just a simple my sympathy is with you or what not is nice. If they have pets offer to let them out so they can spend more time at the hospital. possibly try to get other people in the neighborhood to help bring them food..

PlumPerfect · Dec 10, 2008

When I lost my brother I was 15 he was 17 ( non CF) it was hard and alot of things you didn't think about or care about at that time... I remember the best thing people did was not to ask and just showed up with food... we weren't going to be cooking or paying attention to eating really so it made us stop to eat because there was a good meal there. also silly things like toilet paper and common house hold items. Worst of all don't put in a card it will get better or time heals or anything like that.. its frustrating to hear at that time just a simple my sympathy is with you or what not is nice. If they have pets offer to let them out so they can spend more time at the hospital. possibly try to get other people in the neighborhood to help bring them food..

PlumPerfect · Dec 10, 2008

When I lost my brother I was 15 he was 17 ( non CF) it was hard and alot of things you didn't think about or care about at that time... I remember the best thing people did was not to ask and just showed up with food... we weren't going to be cooking or paying attention to eating really so it made us stop to eat because there was a good meal there. also silly things like toilet paper and common house hold items. Worst of all don't put in a card it will get better or time heals or anything like that.. its frustrating to hear at that time just a simple my sympathy is with you or what not is nice. If they have pets offer to let them out so they can spend more time at the hospital. possibly try to get other people in the neighborhood to help bring them food..

PlumPerfect · Dec 10, 2008

When I lost my brother I was 15 he was 17 ( non CF) it was hard and alot of things you didn't think about or care about at that time... I remember the best thing people did was not to ask and just showed up with food... we weren't going to be cooking or paying attention to eating really so it made us stop to eat because there was a good meal there. also silly things like toilet paper and common house hold items. Worst of all don't put in a card it will get better or time heals or anything like that.. its frustrating to hear at that time just a simple my sympathy is with you or what not is nice. If they have pets offer to let them out so they can spend more time at the hospital. possibly try to get other people in the neighborhood to help bring them food..

ReneeP · Dec 10, 2008

Thanks very much for all the ideas. I went out today and got a bag, kind of like an oversized purse. I got all sorts of personal care stuff like shampoo, toothpaste, wet wipes, hand sanitizer, etc, all in small sizes so they can carry it back and forth to the hospital easier... I also got a plush throw blanket to make them a little more comfy at the hospital... a bunch of snacks like fruit, nuts, chewing gum, etc... and I'm going to pick up some puzzle books and things like that this evening. I also got several rolls of changes for vending machines. Hopefully this will make just a couple of small things a little easier for them.

As for the card, I totally agree. I was very careful not to get something like that. I hated it when my mom died and everyone kept telling me it would be okay. And it's the same way now when one of my girls are sick and in the hospital. Instead I bought a card that says "He will always be remembered"... and it talks about sharing stories and memories of how much he was loved and what a difference he made in their lives. I think that most people want to talk about their loved ones and to make sure they are not forgotten. I know that was very important to me...

Oh, and I will definatly offer help with caring for pets, cutting grass, etc... I didn't even think of that. I have 5 children who can certainly help with those type of things...

Again, thanks so much for the thoughts and ideas...

ReneeP · Dec 10, 2008

Thanks very much for all the ideas. I went out today and got a bag, kind of like an oversized purse. I got all sorts of personal care stuff like shampoo, toothpaste, wet wipes, hand sanitizer, etc, all in small sizes so they can carry it back and forth to the hospital easier... I also got a plush throw blanket to make them a little more comfy at the hospital... a bunch of snacks like fruit, nuts, chewing gum, etc... and I'm going to pick up some puzzle books and things like that this evening. I also got several rolls of changes for vending machines. Hopefully this will make just a couple of small things a little easier for them.

As for the card, I totally agree. I was very careful not to get something like that. I hated it when my mom died and everyone kept telling me it would be okay. And it's the same way now when one of my girls are sick and in the hospital. Instead I bought a card that says "He will always be remembered"... and it talks about sharing stories and memories of how much he was loved and what a difference he made in their lives. I think that most people want to talk about their loved ones and to make sure they are not forgotten. I know that was very important to me...

Oh, and I will definatly offer help with caring for pets, cutting grass, etc... I didn't even think of that. I have 5 children who can certainly help with those type of things...

Again, thanks so much for the thoughts and ideas...

ReneeP · Dec 10, 2008

Thanks very much for all the ideas. I went out today and got a bag, kind of like an oversized purse. I got all sorts of personal care stuff like shampoo, toothpaste, wet wipes, hand sanitizer, etc, all in small sizes so they can carry it back and forth to the hospital easier... I also got a plush throw blanket to make them a little more comfy at the hospital... a bunch of snacks like fruit, nuts, chewing gum, etc... and I'm going to pick up some puzzle books and things like that this evening. I also got several rolls of changes for vending machines. Hopefully this will make just a couple of small things a little easier for them.

As for the card, I totally agree. I was very careful not to get something like that. I hated it when my mom died and everyone kept telling me it would be okay. And it's the same way now when one of my girls are sick and in the hospital. Instead I bought a card that says "He will always be remembered"... and it talks about sharing stories and memories of how much he was loved and what a difference he made in their lives. I think that most people want to talk about their loved ones and to make sure they are not forgotten. I know that was very important to me...

Oh, and I will definatly offer help with caring for pets, cutting grass, etc... I didn't even think of that. I have 5 children who can certainly help with those type of things...

Again, thanks so much for the thoughts and ideas...

ReneeP · Dec 10, 2008

Thanks very much for all the ideas. I went out today and got a bag, kind of like an oversized purse. I got all sorts of personal care stuff like shampoo, toothpaste, wet wipes, hand sanitizer, etc, all in small sizes so they can carry it back and forth to the hospital easier... I also got a plush throw blanket to make them a little more comfy at the hospital... a bunch of snacks like fruit, nuts, chewing gum, etc... and I'm going to pick up some puzzle books and things like that this evening. I also got several rolls of changes for vending machines. Hopefully this will make just a couple of small things a little easier for them.

As for the card, I totally agree. I was very careful not to get something like that. I hated it when my mom died and everyone kept telling me it would be okay. And it's the same way now when one of my girls are sick and in the hospital. Instead I bought a card that says "He will always be remembered"... and it talks about sharing stories and memories of how much he was loved and what a difference he made in their lives. I think that most people want to talk about their loved ones and to make sure they are not forgotten. I know that was very important to me...

Oh, and I will definatly offer help with caring for pets, cutting grass, etc... I didn't even think of that. I have 5 children who can certainly help with those type of things...

Again, thanks so much for the thoughts and ideas...

ReneeP · Dec 10, 2008

Thanks very much for all the ideas. I went out today and got a bag, kind of like an oversized purse. I got all sorts of personal care stuff like shampoo, toothpaste, wet wipes, hand sanitizer, etc, all in small sizes so they can carry it back and forth to the hospital easier... I also got a plush throw blanket to make them a little more comfy at the hospital... a bunch of snacks like fruit, nuts, chewing gum, etc... and I'm going to pick up some puzzle books and things like that this evening. I also got several rolls of changes for vending machines. Hopefully this will make just a couple of small things a little easier for them.
 
 As for the card, I totally agree. I was very careful not to get something like that. I hated it when my mom died and everyone kept telling me it would be okay. And it's the same way now when one of my girls are sick and in the hospital. Instead I bought a card that says "He will always be remembered"... and it talks about sharing stories and memories of how much he was loved and what a difference he made in their lives. I think that most people want to talk about their loved ones and to make sure they are not forgotten. I know that was very important to me...
 
 Oh, and I will definatly offer help with caring for pets, cutting grass, etc... I didn't even think of that. I have 5 children who can certainly help with those type of things...
 
 Again, thanks so much for the thoughts and ideas...

How to help a family who has lost a child???

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