Well, I certainly can tell you what not to do. Remember Shell Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree”? If you haven’t, don’t worry, I will offer a paraphrase of the story. I have always considered myself to be terribly fortunate. I earned my first doctorate at 18 so I was lucky. I didn’t have to hang with the right people so I attended University for the social experience, still pursuing an engineering degree, sort of. My father died from CF during the summer of 1970. I had a good summer job with the State Government that was open as a permanent position so I was able to take care of my mother and sister. Indeed I was lucky. In a short year and a half they were on their own legs and I moved with my brother to another State and got jobs similar to what we already had. Things were slow to transition and I was lucky that I could pay my own way and have money for my mother and younger sister. I met a married a lady who loved the art of travel, so we traveled the world for the better part of a year. We had been working double jobs to save money so again we were very lucky.
Fast forward and my sister, seven years my junior was expecting a handout from our mom when she divorced and with a newborn in tow landed on my mother’s door. I ponied up the extra money but with the stress of her adult daughter, infant granddaughter and her mother going off the rails, she blew a heart valve, for real. In an instant my mother lost 65% of her heart function and she was a young woman! I flew back home, stuffed my grandmother in a nursing home and grabbed up my sister and kid to come live with my new wife and I. Man, were we lucky. If we lacked the resources, none of this would have been possible.
My sister suffered severe manic depressive disorder, or nicely sanitized bipolar I disorder. We divided our new house so that when the inevitable” when” came, they had half a house stocked and ready for them to move in. My sister’s Ex was obliged to pay a whopping $100/mo. This covered a little more than two weeks of daycare. Oh, and he was obliged to carry or supply insurance on his daughter. Missy, my sister, had about six months of employment before she flipped or flopped, depending which cycle she was in before and she would show up with her phone turned off, the utilities were in arrears, and her damage deposit, which I paid down, was gone. Run this cycle through the adulthood of her daughter and then Missy and her daughter both show up at the door car loads of crap and both preggers. This one time, I realized that they were far more marketable to Social Services pregnant, and homeless, which I dumped them off in front of a shelter with a suitcase each and left rubber.
Each and every cycle of Missy’s mental illness which is just a valid and lethal as CF, I felt fortunate that we had the resources to bring them in, provide an insured vehicle, pay out of pocket for Missy’s meds and her Psychiatrist or Psychologist.
The older daughter moved away with the father of her child. Missy, now with a new child started anew with the same old same old. There always were extenuating circumstances, first one child that together I needed to protect from my mother, for her health. I could go into details of her manias, which is where the big money went, but suffice it to say, mania can be more expensive than is easily understood.
I loved my sister and love both my Nieces, the younger we are now guardians for. In 2008, Missy died from an accidental overdose of prescription medication. Read between the lines here.
We, that is my wife and I, thought we were doing the best we could for Missy et. al. We are educated people and both of us have had graduate level psychology courses. And we were enablers of the worst possible kind. There was always a hook, sometimes there were many hooks that kept us supporting and supportive her entire lifetime. Only in retrospect do I realize the harm I have done.
I knew, from the moment Missy and baby were on the prowl that it was time to get an unlisted phone, change the door locks and close and reopen all of our checking and savings accounts so no trace of us could be exploited. You, my friend are squarely where I was at a point in your life. Your sister doesn’t want to make waves because she wants her daughter to know her father without any bitterness or low rent manipulation of her child. She isn’t willing to force the father in or out of the marriage, and take it from one who learned how rotten smoking in the car can be. I grew up in a time where people were deciding when to start smoking, not questioning whether or not it is a good idea. Both of our parents were smokers and my sister was the only child in the family who did smoke. It is a big issue and it is hard to quit smoking, but far from impossible.
This is so hard but if you really want the best for your sister, help her move out, change your locks and if and when she comes up with a cell phone on her own, take her call and congratulate her. If you have the resources, put money away for your Niece’s college fund, no meds no nothing. It is the kindest thing you will ever do in your life or hers.
