Husband is not sure he can handle the stresses of CF life...

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dbsholes

New member
Mmmmm. So hard. I am a relatively healthy cf patient - minimal lung disease (although more so than twenty years ago). But, cf is cf and there will always be issues - not the least of which is the need to eat large quantities of food and the icky stomach issues. She accepted it all in the beginning with a fair amount of humor and understanding. But that began to dwindle.

I was married in 1992 and my wife did fine and accepted most everything until I had to actually go in for a tune up in 2004. ONE tune-up followed quickly with the development of CFRD and I could see her changing before my eyes. She became more withdrawn, more resentful, irritable, and eventually our relationship disintegrated beyond salvage. Divorced in 2008 after sixteen years, and she's gone through a host of healthy boyfriends - finally settling on a guy eight years younger than herself to move in with her. What could feel safer next to a cf husband than a healthy partner eight years younger? I understand it, although I believe she over-reacted.

What can you do? Some people think they know what they're signing up for but then reality sets in. In my case it took over a decade for reality (and fear) to set in. My wife absolutely hated visiting me in the hospital during my one and only tune-up in my life. She couldn't wait to leave from the moment she arrived. It was supremely uncomfortable for her. I suddenly was weaker and more vulnerable than she had previously viewed me, and this caused her to feel fear and discomfort for HER future.

My instinct tells me that if your husband cannot handle it - and he's facing more than my wife did (as I am really fairly healthy and we have one very healthy daughter) - that counselling and other attempts at getting him to "understand" what it's like to have cf is not going to help. It's indeed sad and I feel very bad for you. The previous post is correct - men are weak when dealing with emotional issues, and if he feels like he has a way out of a situation he is unhappy about he will probably take it.

David Sholes; Bennington Vermont
44 y/o male DDF508; CFRD since '04; marriage a victim of cf in 2007/08; father of a brilliant and healthy 11 y/o daughter (in vitro).
 
D

dbsholes

New member
Mmmmm. So hard. I am a relatively healthy cf patient - minimal lung disease (although more so than twenty years ago). But, cf is cf and there will always be issues - not the least of which is the need to eat large quantities of food and the icky stomach issues. She accepted it all in the beginning with a fair amount of humor and understanding. But that began to dwindle.

I was married in 1992 and my wife did fine and accepted most everything until I had to actually go in for a tune up in 2004. ONE tune-up followed quickly with the development of CFRD and I could see her changing before my eyes. She became more withdrawn, more resentful, irritable, and eventually our relationship disintegrated beyond salvage. Divorced in 2008 after sixteen years, and she's gone through a host of healthy boyfriends - finally settling on a guy eight years younger than herself to move in with her. What could feel safer next to a cf husband than a healthy partner eight years younger? I understand it, although I believe she over-reacted.

What can you do? Some people think they know what they're signing up for but then reality sets in. In my case it took over a decade for reality (and fear) to set in. My wife absolutely hated visiting me in the hospital during my one and only tune-up in my life. She couldn't wait to leave from the moment she arrived. It was supremely uncomfortable for her. I suddenly was weaker and more vulnerable than she had previously viewed me, and this caused her to feel fear and discomfort for HER future.

My instinct tells me that if your husband cannot handle it - and he's facing more than my wife did (as I am really fairly healthy and we have one very healthy daughter) - that counselling and other attempts at getting him to "understand" what it's like to have cf is not going to help. It's indeed sad and I feel very bad for you. The previous post is correct - men are weak when dealing with emotional issues, and if he feels like he has a way out of a situation he is unhappy about he will probably take it.

David Sholes; Bennington Vermont
44 y/o male DDF508; CFRD since '04; marriage a victim of cf in 2007/08; father of a brilliant and healthy 11 y/o daughter (in vitro).
 
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bookworm

Guest
I was a late diagnosis, and very sick prior to being diagnosed...I went through some tough times with both my boss and my husband, not being able to accept that, yup I am sick and telling me it was necessary for me to get well, if there were to be any relationship or job.

I tried counselling joint and single. My husband said it was worse than useless. However, I DID get through those miserable years. It was tough working, trying to be sick wife and mom too. Recently, while working with some challenging situations at work - I came across a book that really helped me deal with these situations effectively. And they are the kind of situations that nobody else could do anything with. The book - and I suggest you get your hands on it - is called Crucial Confrontations. It is research-based and it is effective. It has an excellent model for solving situations where you need to discuss things with people - that are difficult - but do it in a way that makes it safe for them to continue the conversation and not react with either silence or violence.

If you're feeling like you don't know how to move on, this can be a great place to start. I wish I had had it years ago. It would have made it so much easier to deal with all the things that people winged at me because I was sick - and not "up to scratch" from their point of view. It also would have helped me deal with challenges that my children faced. They had a tough enough time with a sick mom - it was tough for them to process and manage with adolescence. In fact, people have used this model/method to save their children's lives when they were into risky behaviour.

I'm rooting for you. Get through it. Take a look at the book. Move on.
 
B

bookworm

Guest
I was a late diagnosis, and very sick prior to being diagnosed...I went through some tough times with both my boss and my husband, not being able to accept that, yup I am sick and telling me it was necessary for me to get well, if there were to be any relationship or job.

I tried counselling joint and single. My husband said it was worse than useless. However, I DID get through those miserable years. It was tough working, trying to be sick wife and mom too. Recently, while working with some challenging situations at work - I came across a book that really helped me deal with these situations effectively. And they are the kind of situations that nobody else could do anything with. The book - and I suggest you get your hands on it - is called Crucial Confrontations. It is research-based and it is effective. It has an excellent model for solving situations where you need to discuss things with people - that are difficult - but do it in a way that makes it safe for them to continue the conversation and not react with either silence or violence.

If you're feeling like you don't know how to move on, this can be a great place to start. I wish I had had it years ago. It would have made it so much easier to deal with all the things that people winged at me because I was sick - and not "up to scratch" from their point of view. It also would have helped me deal with challenges that my children faced. They had a tough enough time with a sick mom - it was tough for them to process and manage with adolescence. In fact, people have used this model/method to save their children's lives when they were into risky behaviour.

I'm rooting for you. Get through it. Take a look at the book. Move on.
 
L

lilmac1177

New member
i went thru a similar situation w/ an ex-boyfriend... we dated for about four years, and in the beginning i was 'healthy' but as time and the progression of the disease went on, he continued to talk everything away. there was always another answer for a CF-related issue i was having. i was realizing myself that i couldn't keep up w/ his active, care-free lifestyle. looking back now, i think his career as a firefighter, to include many days and nights away from home, is the one thing that kept us together as long as we were. he could hear me on the phone, pretend he cared and "be supportive" from afar. however, when it really mattered he was so far from supportive. other than his very first experience with a hospital admission, it was always a fight for him to even come see me in the hospital. yes, he had to work; yes, my hospital was over an hour from home, but when you can't find it within yourself to come visit but instead go out with friends, i SLOWLY started to realize that he wasn't really supportive of anything but more simply tolerating the Cystic Fibrosis. anyway, ultimately we split up. it was not my choice then, but i had to accept it. hind sight, i believe that the increasing stress of the relationship was making me sicker (also had onset and diagnosis of anxiety and depression during that time) and i'm very fortunate i "dodged that bullet". it is only now (the past two years) i have come to know what it is to have the understanding, support, unconditional love, and maybe most of all INTEREST (of me and in CF) from a good man. i was single for a year and a half after the break-up then met the most amazing person!

i tell you all that to say this: the stress you're experiencing will never be good for your health! you may love him, but sometimes the best decision is the hardest decision! ... good luck to you in finding out where you are now and what you want in you, and your children's, future.
 
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lilmac1177

New member
i went thru a similar situation w/ an ex-boyfriend... we dated for about four years, and in the beginning i was 'healthy' but as time and the progression of the disease went on, he continued to talk everything away. there was always another answer for a CF-related issue i was having. i was realizing myself that i couldn't keep up w/ his active, care-free lifestyle. looking back now, i think his career as a firefighter, to include many days and nights away from home, is the one thing that kept us together as long as we were. he could hear me on the phone, pretend he cared and "be supportive" from afar. however, when it really mattered he was so far from supportive. other than his very first experience with a hospital admission, it was always a fight for him to even come see me in the hospital. yes, he had to work; yes, my hospital was over an hour from home, but when you can't find it within yourself to come visit but instead go out with friends, i SLOWLY started to realize that he wasn't really supportive of anything but more simply tolerating the Cystic Fibrosis. anyway, ultimately we split up. it was not my choice then, but i had to accept it. hind sight, i believe that the increasing stress of the relationship was making me sicker (also had onset and diagnosis of anxiety and depression during that time) and i'm very fortunate i "dodged that bullet". it is only now (the past two years) i have come to know what it is to have the understanding, support, unconditional love, and maybe most of all INTEREST (of me and in CF) from a good man. i was single for a year and a half after the break-up then met the most amazing person!

i tell you all that to say this: the stress you're experiencing will never be good for your health! you may love him, but sometimes the best decision is the hardest decision! ... good luck to you in finding out where you are now and what you want in you, and your children's, future.
 
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Swallowtail66

Guest
We have now talked to our pastor twice and he with a marriage and family counselor. That counselor wishes to talk to me this week. We are emailing each day and talking on the phone. It will take time, but I think he wants me bad enough to work it out. I want him. Day by day...
 
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Swallowtail66

Guest
We have now talked to our pastor twice and he with a marriage and family counselor. That counselor wishes to talk to me this week. We are emailing each day and talking on the phone. It will take time, but I think he wants me bad enough to work it out. I want him. Day by day...
 
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maryiris

New member
My husband is a dream husband. I was diagnosed with CF - then married the most amazing man I've ever met. He supports me - he sets up my meds every morning on my nightstand as he steps out at 5:30 am to go to work. He calls and wakes me when it's time. He does the vacuuming (the dust involved brought on a coughing fit and a lung bleed back in February), he does the laundry so I don't have to deal with the steps and dusty stored boxes in the basement near the w/d. When I am out without the vest he will do some Chest PT until my chest loosens up some. In his eyes- this is a journy and challenge for us to embark on together. "A little time every day and we can keep this to something manageable." To him - it's a TEAM effort - him and I - together. When I'm down - he just whips through the routines on his own. He knows I'm not lazy - I'm pretty hyper usually. He knows I"m not feeling well so he takes care of me. And he has NEVER commented or complained - just loves me more and more. His thoughts are well - I want to spend the rest of my life with you n- how do we make that work? ok then - that's the plan and he goes at it full force - even when he's tired - he never lets me down. True love will hold you - embrace you - and go through every step with you, beside you, like a team. Spouses should visit the site cffatboy.com; nice site written by a guy with CF - how he handles "stuff" that comes up - and how his wife does. Also answer some great questions - IN LAYMAN SPEAK - regarding CF. Check it out.
 
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maryiris

New member
My husband is a dream husband. I was diagnosed with CF - then married the most amazing man I've ever met. He supports me - he sets up my meds every morning on my nightstand as he steps out at 5:30 am to go to work. He calls and wakes me when it's time. He does the vacuuming (the dust involved brought on a coughing fit and a lung bleed back in February), he does the laundry so I don't have to deal with the steps and dusty stored boxes in the basement near the w/d. When I am out without the vest he will do some Chest PT until my chest loosens up some. In his eyes- this is a journy and challenge for us to embark on together. "A little time every day and we can keep this to something manageable." To him - it's a TEAM effort - him and I - together. When I'm down - he just whips through the routines on his own. He knows I'm not lazy - I'm pretty hyper usually. He knows I"m not feeling well so he takes care of me. And he has NEVER commented or complained - just loves me more and more. His thoughts are well - I want to spend the rest of my life with you n- how do we make that work? ok then - that's the plan and he goes at it full force - even when he's tired - he never lets me down. True love will hold you - embrace you - and go through every step with you, beside you, like a team. Spouses should visit the site cffatboy.com; nice site written by a guy with CF - how he handles "stuff" that comes up - and how his wife does. Also answer some great questions - IN LAYMAN SPEAK - regarding CF. Check it out.
 
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welshwitch

Guest
Great story, Mary! So nice to hear <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
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welshwitch

Guest
Great story, Mary! So nice to hear <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
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Hardak

New member
I had a girl friend that I was ready to marry, we had dated a good 2 years or so. That yeah it was the 2nd round of IV antibiotics that made the realities of life with CF hit her, was extremely stick that round too. I'm not sure I really ever did move on from it. She left I'm still a little bitter about it. Can't say I blame her tho. You just get up in the morning do what you have to,o then pass out in the evening to get up, and do it again. I don't know if its been mentioned but I know I saw a shrink for a long stretch after that break up, it seemed to have helped.
 
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Hardak

New member
I had a girl friend that I was ready to marry, we had dated a good 2 years or so. That yeah it was the 2nd round of IV antibiotics that made the realities of life with CF hit her, was extremely stick that round too. I'm not sure I really ever did move on from it. She left I'm still a little bitter about it. Can't say I blame her tho. You just get up in the morning do what you have to,o then pass out in the evening to get up, and do it again. I don't know if its been mentioned but I know I saw a shrink for a long stretch after that break up, it seemed to have helped.
 
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MattNAdriannasMommy

New member
@ maryiris...that almost makes me jealous lol but it is wonderful to hear. Unforuately, my husband expects me to do the vacuuming and laundry and questions/complains when its not done. Even when I am haveing a really bad day, I still have to be up in the morning to get my son on the bus and feed my daughter. The house still needs to be cleaned and dinner still needs to be on the table around 4. His answer to why he doesn't help is that he works so why should he have to do everything or "if you kept up with it regularly, I would help." yeah right. According to him he doesn't care about me being sick because I am always sick....well duh! Im not asking him to do everything, but do you know how much I would appreciate him getting up with my son after a night I spend most of the time awake coughing my brains out?

And no for us counseling doesn't work. As far as talking to a social worker, my dr has stepped in as well as dietary to explain things and he doesn't quite accept it.
 
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MattNAdriannasMommy

New member
@ maryiris...that almost makes me jealous lol but it is wonderful to hear. Unforuately, my husband expects me to do the vacuuming and laundry and questions/complains when its not done. Even when I am haveing a really bad day, I still have to be up in the morning to get my son on the bus and feed my daughter. The house still needs to be cleaned and dinner still needs to be on the table around 4. His answer to why he doesn't help is that he works so why should he have to do everything or "if you kept up with it regularly, I would help." yeah right. According to him he doesn't care about me being sick because I am always sick....well duh! Im not asking him to do everything, but do you know how much I would appreciate him getting up with my son after a night I spend most of the time awake coughing my brains out?

And no for us counseling doesn't work. As far as talking to a social worker, my dr has stepped in as well as dietary to explain things and he doesn't quite accept it.
 
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Swallowtail66

Guest
He has arranged for a marriage counselor and I think she stands a chance to help him understand. He really wants us back together. I am happy to report that it looks like not having me is worse than the stress of the problems. I sure hope so. I hope your situation gets better. Living that way is not right for anyone. Noone should should criticize us for something we can't help. Your partner is supposed tostand beside you and help you fight the monsters, not run away or throw you in.I'll say a prayerfor both our marriages.
 
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Swallowtail66

Guest
He has arranged for a marriage counselor and I think she stands a chance to help him understand. He really wants us back together. I am happy to report that it looks like not having me is worse than the stress of the problems. I sure hope so. I hope your situation gets better. Living that way is not right for anyone. Noone should should criticize us for something we can't help. Your partner is supposed tostand beside you and help you fight the monsters, not run away or throw you in.I'll say a prayerfor both our marriages.
 
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