husband scared to have kids with me?

[anonymous]

Hi Everyone,

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3. When we started dating, I told him I wanted kids one day for sure. This is something I have known about myself for a very long time. I was adopted when I was 6. Unfortunately, I was adopted into another very bad situation. Obviously, I developed many insecure issues, and emotional problems. It has taken years, and alot of work, but I feel as though I have finally made it. Through all this, though, I've known I want my own family someday. Then in considering my CF, I feel that I would like to be a young mother too. I don't want to start at 35 and then be too tired to drive my 12 yr old to practice. My husband and I talked a long time ago about children, and he wanted them too. He comes from a family of 8, and I of 9. We decided that we would choose to adopt, for many reasons that I will not go into now.
Now, for some reason, he's telling me that he's scared that we will bring this baby home, I will die from CF complications and he'll be raising a little child all alone. I think it's normal for him to feel this way, but you have to be logical too. There is absolutely no reason for me to think that I will die anytime soon. I have virtually no digestive problems, my PFT's are a steady 90+, and I respond well to treatment. I have IV treatment about every year, but I haven't had a hospital stay in 6 years! Yes, I know there is reason to believe my life will be cut shorter that typical, but I have always been stable, and I am very compliant.
It's so hard, because I feel for my husband, and I understand. But we shouldn't live our lives like this. I don't know what to do, because the desire to raise a family is so strong. I have always known that it would be part of my life, and I can't just write it off. How can I help him to not be so scared?

Anonymous

 

[thelizardqueen]

I'm in the same boat as you - my guy is scared of the same things your husband is. I can understand how they may be thinking long term in the end - will you be around 15 years from now, 10 years from now, etc. And I know that you shouldn't be living your life like that - as I've told my guy. The only thing I can think of, is that I've had 24 years to deal with my mortality, my guy has only had 2. I guess when you come down to it, when you really sit down and talk about it, it can be a really scary thing. All I can say is keep trying to talk to him. Has he read up on CF stuff? - life span, treatments, etc?

 

[Emily65Roses]

Easier said than done... but you can't live you life on "what ifs." If the "what ifs" are likely or even inevitable, you don't when they're coming. That's no way to live. And if, for the sake of argument, you do die a year or two after the child is adopted, will your husband really be entirely alone raising the child? Unless you both have NO family whatsever, I imagine he'll have plenty of help.

Mike and I have talked about this, and he knows he'll be stuck at some point raising the kid(s) on his own, and has accepted it. He knows it'll be hard and all that, but he also really wants kids, same as me. Even so, like I said, we both have pretty big families, and he'll have any help he needs at his disposal. If your husband really wants children as much as you do, he'll find a way to work around his fear and start a family anyway. Maybe talking to a therapist about something like this might help?

 

[anonymous]

Dear Annoymous
I do not have CF, my daughter has CF. I also knew at a young age that i would want to have children, something that is very important to me, I wanted it more than anything in life! I grew up without a mother, my mother died when i was 6 years old and my father raised me and my brother. I know that it was hard for my dad but he did it and he also had help from other family members. I have not lost my spouse but i did watch my father grieve for several years but he always made sure that his children were taking care of.
I really feel that if you are able to have children and this is something that is really important to you than i would only hope that he will change his mind, we never know how long we will be here on this earth, there are many children and spouses that lose a loved one of other diseases and accidents, not just CF, and really who is to say that you will not be here for your child anyway!!!

Kaitsmom<img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">

 

[Faust]

<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>Emily65Roses</b></i><br>Easier said than done... <hr></blockquote>

Heh no lie there...That one phrase can pretty much encapsulate our entire lives. On with the topic...I come from an existance where I didn't think I had any chance of even breathing air anymore...I so far have been very lucky to not have ANY females in relationships with me, hold my condition against our relationship. I currently have a wonderful woman in my life, and have had her in my life for like 7 years or maybe more. Out of all of this time, you know what she has learned? She has learned (and we both have been through it all): "Sean, without you, I wouldn't be me, and if it happens it happens, if it doesn't - We still had our lives together, which I would never trade for any other lives"...The cool thing is, we each 100% feel the same way.


My point is, it's about perspective, desire, and how close you truely are with this person. If you are truely a part of this persons life, the high end issues become medium issues, the medium issues become small issues, and the small issues cease to exist anymore...

 

[Allie]

<blockquote>Quote<br><hr>who is to say that you will not be here for your child anyway!!! <hr></blockquote>


Odds.

What your husband is experiencing is normal. No matter how healthy you are, it's a frightening concept to imagine raising a child on your your own EVER. And since there's a vast possibility of setting yourself up to do that when having kids with a Cfer, it can be somewhat daunting. My opinion is that he'll come around. It took us a few years to decide we really did want to do the kids thing, I had to be sure I was prepared to deal with the possibility of raising my daughter alone.

But, I have been doing it for about 8 months now, and my daughter hasn't had any major psychotic breaks, so I'm gong to assume I'm doing an okay job. And I'm sure your husband will too. All he has to do is jump in. If you wait until all your fears are gone, it'll never happen. Ask him what he fears about being a single parent. Is he afraid he won't have help? Or won't be able to deal with the tough stuff? Help him work out ways that would make it easier. Even if he never has to use those reources, he'll probably feel better knowing they are there.

and talk, explain to him how important it is to you adopt (which I think is great). Ask what he feels you two need to do for him to be ready for it. even if you just start the process, he may get excited about it. Good luck!!

 

[Faust]

Not like I have any pull, but Allie has some serious pull in my mind/world...You go Allie, and keep goin!

 

[JazzysMom]

Understandably under the best of circumstances (no known potential early death) parenthood is a scary thought. The financial, emotional & physical contribution it takes with 2 people never mind 1 is a lot. Is it worth it? I believe so, but that doesnt make it any less difficult to except the possibilities. It was THE only ??? I had in my mind when I found out I was pregnant. I was not worried about the pregnancy itself, but down the line as my little girl is hitting puberty or having problems with kids in school etc & if I wasnt around that hubby could handle it in addition to the daily gring of working, paying bills, cooking & being a Dad/Mom all in one. I have faith that he could do it, but I wanted to make sure he wanted to! As a rule I think most people come around. I will say this tho...if he doesnt (just a thought please dont worry about it yet) then maybe its best. You need someone who is going to be 100% committed. Once you enter into it you cant return! Good Luck!

 

[idajune]

As my husband and I have talked about some day having kids and me possibly not being around to see them grow the most important thing we discussed is making sure now that there are support systems around you if it does happen. Whether those support systems be the church or local parent child organizations that have group support for such families and for widows and their children. If extended family is close make sure you are all on the same page. Support is terrible important, I couldn't have a child with my husband unless I knew there was that support there. Would it be tough on him anyway-you bet. But as long as there are others to turn to it can help with the transition and making the childs life loving and supported. Nothing can take the place of a mother who has died, especially if she was a force in the childs life but preparation is a large part of helping and making it all a little easier, for all involved.

 

[anonymous]

Hey, I'm the original poster,

I agree with the whole support back up plan. Get this, guys, my husband and I bought a home on a horse farm 3 yrs ago. It is 30 acres, and split up into 3 lots. Next door to us is my husband's parents, and their 6 children.(my husband and his dad own a business together and we are very close to each other) Down the lane (a 5 minute walk) is my husband's older sister, her husband and their babies. Another back up, my parent's who live 30 mins away, and next door to them, my oldest sister and her 4 kids.
I said to him last night, some things happen for a reason. We have the best possible circumstances anyone with or without cf could ask for. Not only our parent's, and older siblings to help with child care, but also very young children, from 9 months to 8 yrs old, for our kids to relate to. Especially since we want to adopt, having so many other children and babies around can help them to adjust.
I know he wants kids. Everyone sees it. He just keeps going back and forth.

 

[anonymous]

I know it's scary for him to think about you leaving this world and him having to raise your child without you, plus having to also deal with the pain the child would feel, I can't imagine losing my parents now, not to mention when I was young, my mother and I are so close. But, I think he is maybe not considering how much he would love this child. You know, its hard to imagine. When I was pregnant with my first child I often thought what it would be like coming home from the hospital with this baby that was going to depend on me for everything. And I worried I wouldn't love him enough, or that I wouldn't be a good mother. But from the moment he was born I fell in love and their is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for him. I've raised him with his father, then by myself for three years and now with my new husband, life just goes on.

 

[anonymous]

Yeah,

Just from discussing this with him I can tell he doesn't realize how much he would love his own child.
He's definately not looking enough at the rewards. I think he's too scared to look at the rewards b/c then he might change his mind, and say ok to me! Just a few months ago he came home and told me some baby names he thought of. Now I think reality has just scared him.
But I know its in his heart.

 

[SFLMAN]

I recently lost my wife to CF.The biggest fear we had at the time was for her health #1 and for the baby to have CF.She had a terrific pregnancy and the girl was fine only one gene.Im so happy she had the chance to be a mother it made her life complete and I feel now that I have a little piece of her left by God.The part about being scared is normal its reality of CF but any one of us can be killed in a car crash or some other sickness You have to live life like everyday could be your last not worry about what tomarrow will bring my wife showed me that among other thing I remember everytime I look at our beautiful daughter.

 

[anonymous]

Wow, Sam-

Thank you so much for your beautiful post. I'm so sorry about your wife. You said just what I needed to hear. From a man's perspective, a husband's and father's. I can see you treasure your little girl.
Thanks for sharing your story. You really touched me.
I am going to log off and tell my husband what you said.

Christian

 

[anonymous]

How did the talk go?

 

[anonymous]

Hey, it's me.

Well, I decided to back off a little for a while. We did have a good talk. I think for a while, my husband has kept some of his fears inside. He has alot of trouble expressing painful stuff. (you guys kill us girls!!)
Anyway, he had to get those fears out, so we talked it out. I think, he actually just wants more time just as the 2 of us. The first couple years of marriage, I had pretty crappy health-physically and emotionally. Now for about a year I'm back to myself, and really healthy. This makes me want to move on to the next phase of life, but he wants to enjoy some of the things we couldn't do during those first 2 years. I totally understand that.
I also helped him to see that if my health did get bad too early, we have the ideal setup as far as support. He agreed, and I don't think he's as scared now. He just wants to have a little more 'adventure' time before we start.
So, we decided that we'll start 1-2 years from now. We have some goals we want to acheive before then, and preparation to make.
He also helped me to see that there are some practical considerations, like room in our house. We would defianately have to add on a little space. Financially, we have a few things to get in order. But, the point is, we got it all out, and have a plan that satisfies both of us.
I want to thank all of you that replied. Having this extra insight really helped me. Thanks also to Sam-your story touched us both, and fit my husband's fears exactly.

 

[JazzysMom]

I am so glad that U were able to really connect, communicate & basically come up with a solution that is ok for both of you. Men (no offense guys) can make it difficult at times not sharin all their emotions. Until this year I didnt know much of my hubby's deep down worries about my CF. Although my thoughts & emotions are always easy to read yet many times I expect him to still no....READ MY MIND MISTER!!! LOL!

 

[anonymous]

My husband and I were scared to death when I expecting our first childeven though my pft's were above 95%, but everything worked out great.(I was 25) We just had our second child a year ago and my pfts are still in the 90%. So tell him with proper care and lots of support everything will be just fine.

 

[MOTHEROFACFCHILD]

what happens if the parents are fine & you have 2 children 1 child who has cf & 1 who doesn't ? do you dare to have more children???

 

[Allie]

It depends on who you are. I wouldn't, and certainly not without PGD at least, but opinions on this subject vary greatly, and most people looking for advice just do what they wanted in the first place.