Hey marmarmar
I am touched by your honesty. If I was you, I'd be mad that my boyfriend had this disease. It's unfair. Today, you were forced to think about things that you'd surely rather not. Your bubble has burst, and there is a reality that is not easy to handle.
It sounds like you really care about your boyfriend. If you stay with him, you're only going to become MORE attached, right! It will be harder, not easier to see him if he gets sick. You'll have to make decisions about whether or not to have children...after all, you're the one who will probably be left alone.
Sometimes, it might feel like your feelings get pushed aside. Like my boyfriend, sometimes you'll feel totally overwhelmed. Trying to be strong for the person you care about will take it's toll. Over the years, I have tried to make more of a point of talking with my boyfriend about how he feels (what girl doesn't?). I make sure that it's OK for him to tell me that he's scared (hard for a guy to admit!), that he wishes we could (but knows that we can't) have children.
I think my boyfriend copes by "looking after me". He tries to do everything for me...cooking, cleaning, getting meds ready, physio, making my pillows fluffier! If he could make this disease go away, he would. Until then, this is what he can do, I guess. Did I mention he was awesome. I would be lost without him.
But, this doesn't mean we don't fight like other couples, or have times when we make eachother crazy. It's not all fairy tale. It's hard too, when you see your friends. Sometimes, you might feel bitter, hearing your friends bitch about their problems/boyfriends. If anything, dealing with a fatal, chronic disease can bring with it some needed perspective.
I'm mad that I have CF. I mad that your boyfriend has CF. No one deserves it. Why wouldn't you feel a little pissed off, too?
Please feel free to ask anything else you want to know about, or send me a message,
Kelly
