I'll probably get mocked for replying to you, since I don't have CF (I have family members with). But when I read your post, I could totally identify with you. I suffer from depression. In my 20's, I tried suicide twice. Since getting on medication, I've been better, but I have to take alot of different meds, and I become tolerant of anti-depressents within a year, so I'm always changing meds. I HATE having depression, I HATE taking pills every day, more than once a day. I HATE dealing with side effects whenever I have to change meds. And I HATE than even with all these meds, the best I can say is that I feel OK most of the time. I know CF causes both physical and mental pain, and I know the odds of you dying from CF are much higher than me committing suicide, but I totally understand feeling just soooo sick and tired of taking care of yourself.
There are lots of things I could be doing to improve my life, but all I can manage to do is take the drugs. And it took me years to commit to actually taking the drugs every day (I'm now almost 40 years old). I know that exercise would help, but I'm a complete slug. (I actually haven't been out of my house since last Thursday) I know I should eat better, but one of the meds I take totally takes away my appetite. When I do get hungry, I eat junk food since I know I'm not eating enough to gain any weight. (Had a pint of Godiva chocolate rasberry truffle as dinner yesterday - no other meal). I know I should force myself to go out, get some daylight, work more hours at my job. But I don't, mostly because I'm just sick of trying to feel better. Here is the worst part... I have two kids, ages 3 and a 5. I NEED to be healthy for them. They are the reason I've committed to at least taking my medication everyday. And when I take my meds every day, at the right time, I feel better, and I'm able to do a couple other things that I need to do in my life (like turn off the TV, get out of bed, and take the kids to the park or something).
So here is my little piece of advise. Maybe you would feel more like doing the things you should do to maintain your health if you would at least do ONE thing that is most critical to your health. I don't know what that would be for a CFer. For me, it is taking my meds. I finally made a pack with myself, that if I got out of bed everyday, walked to the kitchen, and shoved those pills in my mouth, then I could allow myself to let go of some of the guilt I layed on myself about all the other things I should be doing.
So decide what treatment, medication, procedure, etc. is going to give YOU the most bang for the buck. Commit to at least that, and maybe after a while some of the other stuff won't feel like such a burden. For me, one of the worst things about NOT taking care of myself, in addition to the actual pain of depression, was the ever present guilt I felt because I knew I was letting my kids, my husband, and myself down.
By making the committment to at least take the meds, I've 1)reduced my guilt 2)improved my health, and 3)created a situation where I am much more likely to do some of the other things I need to do.
Hope this helps someone.
